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Chain letters

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by sleepin'dawg

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Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on
final exams, extreme virginity, and fear of being kidnapped and
executed by anal electrocution. I also suffer from the guilt of
not forwarding 50 billion flucking chain letters sent to me by
people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-
year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish,
I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!"

What a bunch of bullschit.

Basically, this message is a big FlUCK YOU to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain
mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing
a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this
country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it
makes it to the year 2010, will be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fluck
them!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being
will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being"
forwards about 90 times. I don't flucking care. Show a little
intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to
by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own
unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening
to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life,
delete it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them
feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is
the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email,
lest he end up like Miranda.

Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow
morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume
your genitals.

25 replies

by charliespencer

You've got to stop holding your feelings in; it's not good for your digestive system.

I really enjoyed the part about being chained to an elephant.

by seanferd

This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.

Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.

Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!

If you send this page to more than 5 people , you will have good luck for the next; 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days

by jamesrl

.....is that the Chairman of the Bank of Canada is more like the Chairman of the Federal Reserve. The Bank of Canada doesn't take deposits from individuals. It controls the money supply.

You could pick RBC (Royal Bank of Canada), CIBC (Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce), BMO (Bank of Montreal), TD (Toronto Dominion). These banks used to use full names, RBC used to be called "the Royal" but when they went to the US market, they decided they preferred initials.

James

by seanferd

Chain letters usually are pretty stupid, though.

And I do appreciate that technical inaccuracies do detract from a joke. I've heard plenty of jokes that might have been funny, if only they had made sense.

by shellbot

we should hook up and maybe give this a go??

We can run a similar scheme..make some money..and then go on a holiday somewhere tropical and be waited on by handsome island men..

by jamesrl

...I'm just trying to help the guy make it more funny to Canadians.

I first heard that one as the Bank of England.

James

by Tammy.Cavadias

but I sometimes get cell phone text message chain letters - which irritates me more than email chain letters.

-Tammy :-)

by Tammy.Cavadias

I would like a call placed to my ex-husband who owes me over 5000 in back medical for his children - but you have to find him first.

-Tammy :D

by Tammy.Cavadias

.. though I haven't gotten one of them in an extremely long time... Car flyers spam (you know them darn flyers they like to stick under your wind shield while you are in the store buying Diet Coke)... stick it on my mailbox spam (I often get them magnets stuck to my mailbox or taped on), in my bills spam (get your bill in the mail and in envelope is junk mail I don't need or want)

-Tammy :-)

by boxfiddler

and the other varieties of paper spam you mention flat p*ss me off. Not only does it clutter up my life, some asshole somewhere is cutting down trees to make it.
X-(

by Tammy.Cavadias

I hate car flyers (funny - I get these, but I have yet to ever SEE the person who actually sticks them under the wiper).. and if you want to send me a bill - send me the bill without my having to play "find the bill in the middle of all the other junk stuff you are advertising/selling"

-Tammy :-)

by sleepin'dawg

it's from some type of tree-hugger organization like Green Peace. Their most recent offering was six pages in four-colour process on glossy stock and no, the inks were not soy based so as to be biodegradable. I would have expected that much at the very least. You might think that the paper was recycled but there was no sign that it was.

About a week later got a similar request from the Sierra Club. Much the same as Green Peace but only four pages.

Ducks Unlimited, on the other hand, sent out a single sheet, printed with soy ink on recycled paper. The ink was brown and the stock was a non-glossy yellow.

Let's see. Ducks Unlimited promotes conservation of wetlands so as to maintain and improve the hunting of water fowl. Green Peace and The Sierra Club are against killing anything and everything. It's interesting that the supposed environmental protection groups use the most environmentally unfriendly materials in their fund raising efforts.

I wonder what kind of literature the NRA sends out???

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by gsg

I hate those things. I've had windshield wipers ruined by those.

I saw a guy put one on my car once when I was in a pissy mood and I chased him down and, with flyer in hand, told him he had a choice, he could take the flyer back voluntarily and leave that parking lot, or he could bend over and I'd shove it so far up his @$$ that he'd be picking it out of his teeth.

He chose option 1. D@mn...

by the scummy one

Arbor Day Foundation -- LOL. I always re-up and send them some money -- however they piss me off with the amount of SPAM mail I get afterwards.
Everytime I send money, in the first 3 weeks I will get another offer to save the rainforest or something, and then o save a specific tree, and then........ To top it off, they have a lot of paper in each of their mailings, including calendars, etc.. I never looked to see if it was recycled (arbor day foundation -- save trees), however most is glossy. Mailers usually have at least 5 or 6 inserts as well.

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