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Dealing with Disrespect

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by fanchant

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Recently I had to deal with some very rude behavior from two different (male, higher in rank than me) co-workers. Both are known as men with rude reputations. The first man, over three days, told me we needed to a)'get someone who knows what they are doing' in to solve his problem (and more along that line), and also what the (retired systems analyst) guy at the bowling alley said was the problem! I eventually got so angry during our final conversation on the subject that I excused myself and handed the phone to my boss, who completed the call. The other man threw a temper tantrum (yes, he threatened to go home, stomped and swore) when I rebooted the server at 7 am, not knowing he had come in early to work (yeah, I should have checked who was signed on, and I apologised, but he reacted with the kind of behavior I wouldn't have let my six year old get away with!)
Okay, that's the story. The problem is that I told my boss about both of these incidents, which I felt she needed to address as a respect (not to say manners) issue with both of these men, and got nowhere. As a person who worked her way up through the ranks into my current network/systems/helpdesk admin position, I need her support when I'm treated like this, and I'm notgetting it.
I need suggestions on a) how to address this with my boss and b) how to address this with the two men so that it doesn't happen in the future. I had a good working relationship with both of these men before these incidents, but am finding it difficult to maintain anything like a civil relationship right now (especially with Mr. Temper Tantrum).

53 replies

by maxwell edison

Greetings,

This may be difficult to swallow, but when confronted with someone who is angry, the worst thing you can do is react in the same way. When two people are angrily arguing, nothing will be heard by anyone, and you can be sure darn that nothing productive will be accomplished. In addition, if you complain about someone being rude and disrespectful, the complaint will probably fall on deaf ears if you reacted in a similar way. Anger is one of the most destructive emotions. (It?s rightup there with jealously.) Anger is a method some people use in an attempt to control other people ? control their actions and/or emotions.

I think you need to take the high road. When people are angry, and each is looking for the other to ?back down?, so to speak, someone will end up losing something. The ?high road? will be one that leads to a ?win-win? solution.

You say these men have ?rude? reputations. Wouldn?t you like to have a reputation of one who can control her emotions? If so,control them. Absolutely refuse to let anyone take you down that destructive road to anger. You?ll soon get the reputation of not only being ?rude? yourself (or something similar), but also as one who can be controlled.

Ask yourself this, ?How would I like to be able to respond in situations like this?? Picture yourself responding in a totally self-controlled and self-assured way. Stay focused on the situation, not the emotions. Keep on the track of defining the real issues so you can move on to finding the solutions. The broken computer is the issue, for example, not the angry user. Stay focused on those things. Look for the win-win.

Remember this: There?s absolutely nothing you can do about the things that happen to you, but how you respond to those thing is indeed totally within your control.

(I have additional thoughts that won?t fit into this space and time. More to come?)

by maxwell edison

You said that you had a good working relationship with these men before the incidents. Well, there?s no reason why that can?t continue - at least from your perspective. Moreover, how THEY see the working relationship is something they have to decide, and it?s something that should not affect you at all. If they decide, for example, to not get along with you, it doesn?t mean you couldn?t make the opposite decision, and decide to get along with them just fine. It won?t take long for the light to shine brightly on the one causing and continuing the conflict. And that light will shine just as brightly on the one making a genuine effort to do what?s right. When I say this, by the way, I don?t mean to act smug and condescending. To the contrary,I would suggest nothing but professionalism, friendliness, and a genuine desire to be helpful and accommodating. (In the IT field, all the users are our ?customers?.) And, for future references, don?t let someone else?s ?bad day? (or bad moment) adversely affect your day (or moment). It really does provide an exhilarating feeling of empowerment when you possess the ability to rise above and overcome those emotional crises, to which others succumb and by which are overwhelmed. And it is, after all, your behavior and professionalism on which you will be judged, not the behavior or actions of others. Behave accordingly, and just let the chips fall where they may.

(to be continued ?.)

by maxwell edison

Keeping all those aforementioned things in mind, in regards to your boss I would suggest that you request (or demand) absolutely nothing. Instead, take on the burden of responsibility yourself ? for yourself, not for others. Take the high road. Learn from the past; don?t dwell on it. How can this make you a better person? How can this make you a better employee? All I would do is this: I?d make a simple comment that I?ve learned something about myself as a result of this incident. I?ve learned that I need to control my emotions a little better and not allow myself to get ?sucked into? those emotional traps. And please, I?d continue to say, if I ever need a gentle reminder, feel free to do just that. Taking that approach will show you?re willing to learn and grow. (Of course, you?ll have to make your own adjustments to fit the circumstances and personalities.)

In regards to the second person, you indicated that you inadvertently rebooted a server, which in turn caused him to make the decision to have a bad day. Everyone makes mistakes, and you?ve apologized for your oversight. If he doesn?t want to accept that, it?s his problem not yours. Forget about it and move on.

(to be continued ?.)

by maxwell edison

As far as the first person, you didn?t say what happened to make him decide to have a bad day (or days). But it sounds like it?s one of those annoying and ongoing conditions that are difficult to diagnose. Those things happen. Again, take the high road and don?t get ?sucked in?. If this is a problem that has you stumped, go ahead and admit it. A little bit of sincere humility goes a long way. Nobody knows everything about everything. And with computer technology especially, we?re all in a continual learning mode. You understand that; your boss understands that; if he doesn?t understand, again, it?s his problem not yours. If the guy at the bowling alley thinks he has a solution, suggest that the company hire him as an independent contractorfor a few hours to come in and do his magic. Of course, you?ll want to be involved in implementing the solution so you can learn from it. From time to time I?m confronted with one of those ?head scratchers?. I respond honestly. There?s nothing wrongwith saying, ?This thing has really thrown me a curve ball. I?m doing some research to find the answer.? (And then post the dilemma on the TechRepublic Q&A threads!)

Remember, how YOU deal with all those things that are thrown your way is what?s important. Don?t try to change those things (or people) that are beyond your control. It?s always a losing battle.

Best of luck to you,

Maxwell

by gdamed

Hey, Max, good stuff! My first job is counselor, the second is NetAdmin. You hit all the stuff on the head. I would add the concept of aikido...let negative energy run its course, just step out of the way when it gets close to you and it will blow right by on its own volition. Destructive energy will result in destruction...don't let it catch you on its way. As long as you are in the right with your actions you can't be held responsible for things going wrong (unless politics are involved,and if that's the atmosphere then maybe another employer would be a better bet). Take care.

by admin

with Maxwell's Maxim's.

I just have to ask though, did your parents listen to Abbey Road a lot? I wonder because you bear a name referenced in one of my favorite songs in the universe :)

by sandokan

I don't think you have to be religious for such teachings :-) i have tried it, in this field and anywhere else... i still have to try it :-) it does work well :-) thank you for reminding me about this code of conduct :-)you are right about the "customers"... we do need to be likeable persons if we count on our job, if we want to win them over...

by r_niswonger

Im not saying, don't do anything, or don't say anyting, what I am saying is, when faced with arguments or people of excessive tempers, I have found, if I respond in a lower voice volume than normal, it will tend to have the same effect on those of ill-temper, resulting in their lowering their voice and starting a clam to a difficult situation.

I believe the worst thing one can do, is to elevate, or lower themselves to that level. Staying calm and collected is the best. Good working relationships have a tendency to work themselves out. Though you may have hard feelings, attempt not to show them.

by kaydi

Lowering your voice, and try speaking more quietly so that the other person has to almost strain to hear you and make direct eye contact to help show your sincerity and self-confidence in your actions.

Max's advice is so true.

by admin

throughout your thread that you were dealing with rude MEN over and over? Perhaps they were rude PEOPLE instead of MEN and it would help to not have the gender bias muddy the issue more for you.

by admin

Another way of helpfully addressing this (besides taking gender out of it) would be to stop de-personalizing other people. Calling them names will only serve to further this problem for you, even if it's funny at the moment. What it does is remove them from your internal list of fellow humans and makes it ok for you to not treat them as such. This may be understandable, since they are treating you as less than human, but it will entrench this issue and make it more likely to recur in the future.

by fanchant

Well, actually, I work in a very male dominated industry (hunting and shooting sports). So partially, the issue IS about they are men and I am a woman, because it's been regularly experienced and noted in this company that there's an 'boys club' atmosphere about some issues. So part of my frustration has been due to knowing that both of these men exhibited behavior that _I_ would have been written up for, and are going to get away with it because they are men in this company.
Also, I referred to the second guy as "Mr. Temper Tantrum" only to distinguish him from the first guy easily, not to call him names. Puh-leeze!
Ok, see later posts for further comments. Just wanted to clarify for you.

by epepke

I didn't say anything earlier, because Maxwell T Edison seemed to have covered all the bases.

Your supervisor seems like she has a lot of wisdom in this situation. Perhaps if you went to her and asked how you could deal with this situation, you might be able to get some tips.

Right now, from what you seem to be saying, you have a choice between two options.

Option 1 is to be a crusader. The advantage to this is that you're already on the right track. The disadvantage is that your troubles with coworkers will probably escalate until the situation becomes intolerable or you aren't working there anymore.

Option 2 is to deal with the problem. The advantage to this is that work will become a lot easier and more enjoyable. The disadvantage is that you have to learn some of the anthropology of masculine culture and use it to your advantage.

I know of nothing that will help with option 1. I and probably a lot of the members know many things that will help with option 2.
However, the choice is up to you. I think you need to make that decision and be clear about it first.

by admin

I work in a company of 300 with less than 10% men. I am the only male director. The owner, CEO etc. are female. In the main office there are 80 regular employees, 4 of which are men. There is not a mens bathroom here but rather womens and then a shared one to give an example of the nature of things.
There is definately a "Girls Club" and the business is ran differently due to this, but I choose to work here and overall enjoy my job a great deal. Part of the reason I enjoy my work is because I took the gender issue out of my mental patterns, and also cut down on depersonalization or generalizations even if it was "just in fun" or easier. Believe me, some of the other men here get into some pretty nasty joking when no women are around, and I found it affected my attitude to participate so I stopped.

I really wasn't trying to say you were resorting to "name-calling", but I do think for many people that can be a slippery slope into negativity and lessens a persons ability to deal effectively with a situation. I have gotten extremely far in this company as a person, although some of the other males think they will always have problems here, and I attribute a lot of it to my ability to maintain relationships, the roots of which include things like avoiding stereotyping and negative joking around.

A simple way to distinguish may be "Person A and Person B" or similar to avoid using "Mr. Temper Tantrum", and this will not set your mind down a road which will be more (insteadof less) trouble in the future.

It's just a suggestion.

:)

by maxwell edison

I?m encouraged to see that all of the replies thus far to the question of dealing with disrespect in the workplace have been in favor of not returning the same behavior. There?s another discussion thread about dealing with negativity in the workplace. Interested people should check it out. There?s a common theme among all (or most) of the respondents. Stay away from the negative and destructive thoughts and emotions, and avoid the people who spread that poison like the plague.

I would like to see a dissenting opinion, however. Not that I?d like to see ANYONE advocate being disrespectful, but only because it would make for a lively debate. (And that?s an issue I would enjoy debating.)

By the way, about the name my parents have bestowed upon me (since someone asked), it?s better than Ringo, don?t you think?

Regards,

Maxwell

by fanchant

Well, happily, Maxwell-Edison-majoring-in-medicine, I did keep my temper with both of these guys and still manage to apologise and/or set limits where appropriate. I drew my supervisor in because, if THEY escalated the issue, I didn't want her blindsided.
But it was a very good, sane and sensible post you made. Always take the moral high ground and you can't go far wrong.

by generalist

It is rather difficult to come up with a dissenting opinion to such a comprehensive and well reasoned set of comments, especially since they reflect a lifestyle I prefer.

I will offer the possibility that there are a small number of people who have a lock on their positions AND make the previously mentioned co-workers look like saints. Such people might require a different technique because of special circumstances. (These would be people who always have a bad day and are always vindictivein everything they do.)

by fanchant

Yeah, it boils down to "aw, imagine that person in their underwear and get on with your life."

by k.scott2

You are quite right, there are some people who for their own reasons resort to screaming fits of temper at the slightest thing, especially in the City of London UK. However, I have found after 15 years as a Consultant, that if in a company I follow Max's advice, which I always try to to, when you run into these people, the rest of the staff know that you are being reasonable and that they are the ones with a problem.

Always be polite and professional, it pays off time after time after time....

by rob

I had similar problems with where I work. I am male, and my workplace was a bastion of maleness, a paper mill.

During my first few months on the job as a supervisor found that it was perfectly acceptable for the people working for me to confront issues loudly and sometimes bordering on violence, whether it was with a co-worker or with a boss. I always comported myself but for a long time (months) I felt that there was no respect for remaining above the fray.

As time went by I began to engage in the same boorish behavior. Believe me, the yelling matches felt great, but NEVER accomplished anything. Oh I was seen by the idiots as someone that would not be pushed around, but the vast majority of the workers saw that I was just caving in.

In othe words, it was not until I sunk to the lower level that I realized that I should remain on the high ground.

Thanks for listening.

by helipilot3

While not exactly a dissent, a different angle?

In the midst of a frustrating situation like you experienced it is always useful to remember a couple of things:

1. People do more of what you reward them for; less of what you do not reward them for. If these two people continually exhibit their rude, disrespectful behavior, you can bet they are deriving some sort of reward for it (even if their only reward is the continued belief that that they are in control). To stop the behavior, figure out what kind of reward they get from their behavior, and then withhold it. If they are simply using rudeness and anger to control you, then calm professionalism will to the trick (as other replies have suggested). You get your retribution by denying them the reward they seek.

2. Respect is like contempt. The only way to get it is to earn it. This is the harsh reality wherever you work and whatever you do. Respect is something that exists between individuals, so there is no one way to earn it. In most cases calm professionalism and top notch work at all times will build respect (Hint: rebooting a server without checking to see who is logged does not fit the bill). Beyond this you must find out what these people respect and deliver it.

by techmom

I work for a large multi-practice medical practice. I have found my department must demand respect, or face ridicule. However I found the best way to demand respect is
1. Treat all users, up and down the line respectfully.
2. Seek executive level approval of all policies and procedures.
3. KNOW MY BUSINESS inside and out.
4. When asked, always give as actual of an answer as possible, even if the answer was I don?t know. Several times during my first year I was met with ?stump the admin? type questions and suggestions. Many times from ?a friend who really knows computers?. I explained all the reasoning for current decisions, mentioning several legal concerns unique to a medical environment. I even offered to speak with the ?friend? in order to learn of their proposed solution. Generally when all was said and done, my way became the excepted way.
It was pretty tough that first year. But my department currently enjoys a high level of respect. So high in fact the one time in the 2 years a mid/upper level executive type felt the need to publicly embarrass my department, I did not have to say a thing. The VP for the exec quickly remedied the situation without a single comment from myself or my VP.

by admin

You were resorting to name calling! I should have read my original post before I replied to your reply.....

Anyway, glad to hear this wasn't it at all, and that you were just trying to distinguish 1 from 2.

Also, I enjoyed hearing further downthat this was working out for you :)

by fanchant

Lesser issue first - given the ease with which one's attitude can plummet and the need in my job to keep good relations with everyone, you make a good suggestion about not labelling. Thanks.
Second, how interesting that you work in a company that's90% female!

by tomsal

Just chiming in on this post since I'm waiting for a server to reboot anyway.

Though we are much smaller than 300 employees, almost a perfect 1/3 actually - we're around 100 employees right now - getting ready to dip to about 75 though. The nature of our biz is that we always fluctuate between a huge hiring surge and then temp employess being "released" as our busy seasons come and go.

Anyway, of all our employees there are 13 men including myself and the rest (about 80) are all women.And that's a high male ratio for us, for a streak of about 3 1/2 years including myself there were only 5 of us guys here.

So with the other guys (sorry I don't know your real name) comments on being only 10% men at his company and with my company....hmmm and women say they aren't making progress in the workplace? Appears to me they are dominating at least two companies I'm aware of. :)

Anyway, my server is up...gotta go.
later.

ug...error reading PERC...oooooh sheet

Anyway...

by rdschaefer

While I agree with (almost) everyting said so far, there is one more thing you can do. Legally, you don't have to put up with that type of behaviour. When I was on desktop support, we had MANY similar situations which we responded to along these lines:
"I understand you are angry [with me/about this problem/etc.] but if you continue to act this way I won't be able to help you." This MUST be said in a soft but firm voice while looking the person in the eyes. This almost always works the first time. If He/She continues the abuse, just walk away in the direction of H/R. There will not be a 2nd instance.

Ralph

by mrafrohead

Here's something that I try VERY hard to live by...

TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED!

Granted, they are treating you poorly, and it's hard to be nice to people like that. But in the long run it will pay off.

And another light to see things in.

Even if they are treating you poorly, and you want to yell back or argue, don't! Kill 'em with kindness. This is coming from a person with a BAD temper. There is nothing that pisses me off more than when I am giving it to someone and they are just nice as pie back to me. It makes me look like an ass and I leave in a worse mood than I started out with.

The neat thing though, is it works two ways. When someone gives it to me, and I'm nice, nice, nice to them. It's greatto see how mad they are when they leave. It's a great sense of self satisfaction. They're the ones that are pissed to the max and they look bad. I look great and I FEEL great about myself, because I didn't allow myself to stoop to their level andmake myself look as foolish as they made themselves look.

And here's my other two cents:

Since there's a gender issue here, and this is a VERY relevant issue in my opinion, you are going to have to work twice as hard to make a good impression. Don't tarnish it now. As it sounds, you've worked too hard to throw that away. So just stay nice. Stay positive. Make sure that you are in the right. Always make sure your supervisor is aware of the issue at hand, in case there is a problem, you will have her support.

Other than that, good luck!!! I wish you the best. And remember, stand tall. You are the best at what you do there and you need to make sure that people see that!

mrafrohead
mrafrohead@yahoo.com

by mrafrohead

By the way, before I get creamed for the Gender issue. I want everyone to be aware. I work in a bank with a female as the CEO. Since I'm in a bank, I obviously am in minority. My supervisor is also female. I also am one to work twice as hard tomake sure that I am always sparkling. But it does pay off in the long run!!! Oh yeah, and I'm a male, in case anyone was curious;) Unfortuantely, society hasn't fully gotten past these things yet, but we're getting there;)

mrafrohead

by generalist

Yeah team!
Personally, I to try to live my life by the Golden Rule and variations like the one you quoted.

I find that, at worst, it allows me to accept the fact that people sometimes have bad days and don't need me pouring gasoline on their fires.

At best, living by that rule can be a real benefit to all involved.

You do have to be patient at times since there are a few people out there that seem to have sequential bad days for months and years on end. If you always treat them with respect, it might sink in, even though the results may be well hidden.

by windiii

As a female in the IT World I have faced a few Gender issues especially with men in superior roles (of my dad's generation). Once, when I was doing a tech support job I had a man request a male help him instead of me....part of that bothered me butI let I shrugged it off and looked for a guy to go over and help him (I don't get hung up on that kind of thing)....I had the last laugh when his laptop crashed one day and I was the only available tech support person and he had a flight to catch.
I think what mrafrohead had said..."kill them with kindness" is the best solution because I think if you are male or female....you will always come across people who just cannot seem to be polite or happy with anything regardless of your gender. Especially when blaming systems is the easiest way out.

by radiic

I am shocked that no one has suggested any sort of retribution. Not that I am, but it is nice to see that with all the power us admins have no one has suggested crossing the line.

Its nice to see that others have morals too.

Thats all the time I have for now, gotta go delete some files on that @$$holes computer down the hall.

Just kidding

by fanchant

Well, actually, I did have a few pper-to-peer messages on this subject.
Of course, anything I 'mess up' I have to fix, so all retribution must take place in my imagination :)

by admin

@TR, but I have heard people in the power postions at my company and others I have worked with say the #1 reason they hire in IT is someone that they can trust. I think this is probably smart seeing most of us can read e-mail, files and much of the sensitive data where we work (or other places). We really do have an amazing amount of power when you consider how much we could passively agressive screw up regarding peoples work projects (usually their life blood) not to mention pitting people against each other, leaking secrets, starting our own competing companies or a gazillion other things. Most of us don't though. It may be as previously suggested, that we make enough money we don't have or want to. Or we could just be oddly logically moral people in general. I have never figured it out really, especially considering that most of us started by breaking into systems and reading docs etc. when we were younger. It seems that it is more of a youthful curiosity thing though, knowing how it works etc. than actual malice. I think someday there will probably be a pretty indepth study on this topic from a psych/sociology sort of standpoint (unless there is already one...). It's interesting though, old school hackers code of ethics seem pretty close to what Radicalis is saying, get in get out, do no harm. It's just that getting in and getting out is our job now.

by mm212

I believe that if you DID attempt any sort of retribution throught the network, not only could you lose your job, it could/would tarnish your image and harm your ability in finding a new position in this field. I believe that integrity and trust areamong the most important traits a network admin can have. But I still occasionally use one of my favorite signature lines (just in jest):

Do not meddle in the affairs of NetAdmins
For they are easy to annoy
And have Root Access.

by rtbg

Unfortunately scenes like that can be a fact of life for anyone in support/sysadmin type role.You are regarded as some lower IT lifeform and treated as such; I don't think it is gender specific.

Rebooting servers at 7am seems fair to me - good time, no users on, little traffic. Too bad for your other guy (Mr TT) but what was he doing in at 7 anyway?

If you are responsible for the sysadmin tasks then you (or your superior) have the final say in scheduling. With responsibilty comes authority. Use it. Maintain your dignity and don't get drawn into shouting matches with overexcitable users.

p.s. I used to suffer that kind of crap when I was on the way up in sysadmin/management - but not for long cause I'm 6'2" and 190lbs.

p.p.s find a copy of "The Bastard Operator From Hell" and draw inspiration. cheers.

by k.scott2

This is true, I too am 6' 4" and weigh about 300 pounds. I am polite and professional at all times, but strangely enough, not too many people seem to WANT to upset me....... ;~)

by jeff dray

When somebody gets wild and angry show your control by being calm and peaceful. Don't, whatever you do, bite and start a slanging match.
If you feel you are being abused tell the caller that you do not have to tolerate rudeness, make sure you have explained your actions (and made a written note of them!) then tell the caller that if they do not moderate their tone you will end the call. They can't get angry with a dead line.

I have been working in this business for 15 years and have only had to do this once, it resulted in a written aplogy from the caller. I have threatened it many times. my view is that if these people know so much and have so many good friends who know even more how come they call us? It is mostly bluster from somebody who is insecure and wants get some one to think they are more important than they really are. Whenever I get one of these I imagine them naked and that generally cuts them down to size, or puts me off my lunch!

Your guy's friend at the bowling alley sounds like a not so distant relative of "The Bloke in the Pub" who haunts Britain and has a marked effect on performance when he suggests systems changes. If a caller chooses to take the Bloke's advice over those to maintain the systems they can expect to hae problems. Offer to meet the "Bloke" or his US equivalent and express an interest in what he or she has to say. That usually does the trick.

by toast1

you have to be a magician to please everyone.
may i suggest reading "how to win friends and
influence people" by dale carniege
as it is very old you will find that mannerisms dont, good luck either way you go

by frec1

I have issues to where I rebooted a server without telling anybody or walking up to a desktop and just start analyzing without communicating all of this is semi rude behavior but still alot of it deals with our job and we can't be perfect.
One time I rebooted a server. I checked with my client agencies manager and she said it was okay to reboot it. I asked her did I need to inform anybody she said no, so I proceeded, once this is finished. Soemone ask me did you just reboot the server. I saidyes and she said "Thanks, for telling me!" in a sarcastic way. Anyway I continue to support and try to be in the right and I agree with everybody that you should always take the higher level because they want you to stoop down to acting a fool.
Itseems like you lose sleep over this, I would pray on it and have faith also send out an email to your management saying:

" This employee was upset about this situation." Once you have a papertrail it's will benefit you when you talk to Human Resources or whatever. Management needs to stay informed. I think managers handle their buisiness for the most part and they do follow up to these situations. Nowadays harrassment is a major and tragic issue.

by mrafrohead

The retired Systems Analyst at the bowling alley...

Did he give his two cents during or after the quick sprays of odor eaters in the shoes while he was behind the counter???

Hehehe... just needed to know for sure;)

by generalist

The retired systems analyst behind the counter might have all the necessary skills but be faced with the dreaded 'age' disease, making him or her 'unemployable'. This disease is sometimes associated with the 'overqualification' rash and the 'high salary requirements' disorder.

That or they are actually retired and own the bowling alley...

by dds-jak

I think you need to work with your boss so that there is an 'organisational cover' for you when mistakes happen. If he/she cannot provide that - then situations where somebody vents frustration at a personal level will keep happening. And then otherfactors like gender etc. will kick in.

Any IT setup will encounter problems and at times you will get users who believe that the IT department is inept. I encounter that often but on investigation with the support personnel always find misunderstanding, miscommunication, intolerance part of the problem.

I would suggest exploring how helpdesks policies including escalations can be set up to protect individuals from being labeled 'inept or incapable'. There are other forums to decide that - not stray one-off problems.

by fanchant

Gee, I feel just like Stufflebeem...

In the ten days or so since I first posted, I've kept all the good advice here in mind and kept the 'high ground' pretty well. My relationships with both users is fine - in fact I have tried to be even nicer than usual in any dealings.
Things I plan to keep on the "Try This" list:
-asking for the "Bloke in the Pub"'s phone number - hey, maybe he really DOES have a good idea. And if not - well, then my end user (or at least this particular one) will backdown.
-using behavior limit setting on out of control people. I DON'T have to put up with inappropriate behavior, and they need to know it.
- making sure my standards are higher than my end users..
AND FINALLY
- NEVER EVER assume, even if I'm the one that's unlocked the building and there's no lights on, that no one's on the server!

by mark915

Kill them with kindness. I would say that 90% of my job as site support involves dealing with angry users. You should not have to whine to your boss. Be a big boy and deal with it. Maybe your boss' lack of support is her way to tell you to deal with it.

by rdschaefer

Who pissed in your coffee today?

The question wasn't about dealing with angry users (although in your case, if 90% is accurate, maybe you're doing something wrong), it was about specific behaviours.

Ralph

by generalist

In some organizations the only time the support staff is called is when things have turned into slime and the contact is angry. That can easily explain the 90% number. (Think of the Complaint Department of a retail store...)

The remaining 10% are those who are in the same situation and know that anger won't solve the problem.

by drmemory

Let's take your boss off the hook first. The fact that these individuals are preceded by reputation should indicate the futility of any action you expected someone to champion on your behalf. They had to survive long enough to earn the rep.
Second, from the book of social graces; 'Excuse me/I beg your pardon' for the little things that inconvenience us, silent tolerance for the rest. Adding emotional energy to difficult situations is rarely the appropriate response. Take a page from the software book and manage the relationship, not the person. You are responsible for extracting the relevant information and responding accordingly, filtering out all the unnecessary and obfuscating material. You should also be aware that bringing forward negative expectations to the next encounter can foster precisely that result (see 'Taming of the Shrew'). We have all had incidents/days when forgiveness resulted in gratitude and guilt.
Lastly, the flip side of rude behavior is often patronizing in nature, equally demeaning. The result of this is the trivialization of the message as it gets lost in all the personality noise. Choosing this path of conduct usually means you are bringing more to the business table than people skills. Findout what that is for your offenders and ask about it next time. It will likely change the relationship instantly and permanently.

by k.scott2

OK, first, I've been there! No names etc but I think anyone who has been in this field for more than a couple of years has had this experience many times.

Sure you should have checked in to see who was logged on, but we are all human. So, my point, I find absolute honesty to be the only way forward in this situation. I acknowledge (no matter how much it hurts!) that they have a point, HOWEVER, I then go on to say very politely that they too need to consider how they behaved, ie, the over reaction. If your boss will not support you after you have tried this, you may want to explore alternative places of employment, where you might be more valued. You after all, now have a very marketable skill.

As a further thought though, we all get this occasionally, some people are just plain rude and know no better, it is part of the job. My worry is your boss not being supportive, that would upset me more than the idiot with the temper.

by forvirg

I'm in the same boat - only my boss is routinely unsupportive when certain people (the rudest, of course) complain about me. I've never had her back me up then. She's always in full agreement with things I'm about to do or policies I'm about to implement until one of them goes in bitching (after being incredibly rude and disrespectful to me).

I don't know if that's the case where you work or not. I'm looking for another job right now (anyone got any So. Cal openings?? - smile). That may be the only route if, indeed, your boss is just plain not backing you up.

Virginia

by fanchant

As a rule, she is usually VERY supportive, which is why I was so surprised at her initial reaction in this situation. See my post right before this - looks like she may have said something along the line somewhere.

by fanchant

Although nothing has been said to me about this, it appears that someone has said something at some point to Mr. Temper Tantrum, because yesterday I had to go help out TT with learning a new thing - first extended contact since his 'incident'. He was *seriously* polite and agreeable, so I suspect that the message that his behavior was way out of line has gotten back to him somehow.
PS (off subject completely to kscott) hope you are continuing to get well!

by admin

Yes, this is true, as are your other points, but on a personal level, I can't really say that these are reasons I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't. It's clearly wrong and I know it deep down. The logical side of me isn't all that happy with this explaination though.

I do think though, that many seasoned companies really want integrity and trust in their IT departments over other traits or even credentials. This may be one of the reasons it's really hard for people to get into the field sometimes just out of school. I've never really seen a study on the relationship of these qualities to hiring or a personality profile of an NA though, so it's just conjecture based on my experience. Thanks for validating it though :>

I also wonder if their is a seperation in era's of "Hacking" "Cracking" and the like. I honestly think there were self-imposed moral guidelines at one time, and wonder if I'm just not remembering accurately, or if it has really changed a lot.

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