Slogans!

If it's not on fire then it's a software problem.

or

If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we solve it!

-JF

If you're going to laugh about it later... start now!
:D

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, Baffle them with Bu11$h1t.

You want it when? (followed by uproarious laughter);

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you; and

Mousies? We don't need no steenkin' mousies!

Okay, okay, edited to change "mouses" to mousies. Sheesh, it's always something. Hey, there's a slogan I forgot!

...let me know and I'll come back with a chain saw."

don't fix it. Though I prefer the bureaucratic wording: If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

edit typo

F**k IT!

Call the helpdesk, its like lighting the fuse yourself!!!

Drop kick it!

Throw it off the roof!

...can't you see I'm busy?

Time for a new computer.

Google is your friend.

or, to quote Marvin the Martian; "Drat these computers, they're so naughty and so complex. I could just pinch them!"

The cat gang just got nogged up without my permission.

The girls know that song.

B.Kliban- we still love you!

(I'm) good, but unknown/unappreciated... (goe, moh ni gekend)

If it ain't broke, don't fix it is one of my other favorites though.

or as I said to our CEO once when he asked what caused all his computer problems : 'the user'...

Or when my boss at my first job said : What can I do to help (while poking into one of the ten open-cased and testrunning PC's on my work-bench with a screw-driver) ? "If you want to help, go and stand with your back against the wall and don't touch anything " :-)

that's off a TV program called "The IT Crowd".

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Never in the field of human industry has so much been earned by so many for so little

The problem is between the keyboard & the chair.

There's never enough time to do it right...but there's always plenty of time to do it over!

For the *brilliant* idea that occurred to someone in the shower this morning.

"Yes I see how the change to the software you want could be a boon to the company. If you could just do me up the standard business case, risk analysis and requirements documents I'll get onto it."

They never come back!

For almost everything else:

"What did the help file / manual tell you to do?"

Old audio days

We've all heard this
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

& a personal favorite
"One kick is maintenance, two is abuse"

The IT management motto seems to be:

Run to the sound of the bellowing asshole.

So I guess that is my motto also. Bellowing seems to trump: scheduling, planning and budgets.

KLAATU BARADA NICTO

If a problem looks too big, break it into smaller objects.

While working in Germany our mail-room worker came up with a funny saying that cn be used for most any situation.

"Input, output alles 'put"

("'put" being slang for kaput)

1. Is it supposed to smoke like that?

2. Your patience is greatly appreciated; and mandatory.

3. At least if we break it all at once we can fix it all at once.

On our wall, I draw our "mission statement" on what we do ... the old square peg in round hole, where the square was off course slightly larger ;)

Mine is "Technology's wonderful, when it's working..."

That's us to a "T"

"Reboot your computer and call me when it fixes the problem."

Seriously, I don't know how many times I have a user encounter a (even sometimes a couple weeks later) problem that I walk up to and reboot the computer and it solves the problem. I tell them that and they can't seem to get it that I tell them to reboot because it works at least 70% of the time.

"::Loud laughter:: Oh, you're serious?"
- when a PM dropped a software title on the tech's desk and told him to have it into production by the end of the day...

"Correlation does not always mean causation"
- User told me that he had the same problem the day before, but the "fix" wasn't working...

"So, I'm having this squeaking problem under the hood of my car... do you think you can fix it for me real quick?"
- Me to my mechanic neighbor after he asked me to work on his computer. The response I got was to bring it by his shop. Needless to say, he got the same response about his computer...

Finally, my favorite...
"Did you try pressing F1?"
- Pretty much a general statement to all users with dumb questions.

and one for the users:
Bosses: This follows my signature on all e-mails. ?Because of a great deal of hard work, nothing happened today.?
Users get: "The problem is a loose nut on your keyboard".
And, no matter if things have gone right or wrong, "Ah, another day in paradise!" (Florida)(Please do not move here.)

Stolen from happy bunny who says: "It's all about ME...Deal with it!

My favorite was our Divisional motto when I was in the Navy:

Deny everything and make counter-accusations!

When all else fails, read the manual.

Never believe the user.

This is an example of Unintelligent Design.

We've upped our standards - So up yours

Everytime we're about to do an upgrade or make change, we always say "What could go wrong?". Murphy's Law definately applies here.

"Don't ask me 'How can it get worse?' Worse is always listening and LOVES a challenge."

"If all else fails we'll read the manual."

"Let's not confuse the issue with facts."

Under the heading of "If this doesn't work..."

"... we'll get a sledgehammer. I'll let you take the first swing..."

and

"... we'll use the three foot gravity test."

From an electronics PCL programmer:
When asked why computers malfunction, he replied:
"Because they are silicon-based life forms..... and they hate us!"

It's never easy
It's not usually fair, but
The computer never wins

Despite the best info and advice, our superiors usually make decisions and policy based on the latest buzz words and bar room/golf course discussions. Therefore, I have advised my staff to "Embrace The Madness... and make it your own" I have had hats made up with shirts to follow expressing this philosophy that means: "Hey, I gave you my opinion but if you are so convinced that you are right, I must not understand the problem the way that you do. Since you are signing my paycheck and are the final arbiter, and most of all, I am not paying for this potential debacle: lets roll with it!"

When offered an assignment, I always say "Sure we can do it. What could possibly go wrong?"
When managers drop by my desk, I like to greet them with "It's not my fault".

For users who don't understand the concept of ticketing systems and assume theirs is the only ands most important issue -- especially when it's syncing their damned iTunes library during an Exchange Server migration...

Your emergency is not my urgency!

Price, Quality, Delivery...Pick two. You can't have all three.

When I managed an IT dept.:

"We ARE the man behind the curtain!"

When I was in the Navy:

"Standby to prepare to wait."

And if you asked me how something worked:

"Works fine. Lasts a long time. Won't bust, rust, or collect dust. Fails high. Drains to the bilge. And varies from ship to ship."

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Remember; USER is a four letter word

Computers don't make things easy, they just make things neat.

If your PC is making you tear your hair out then if nothing else I can recommend a good wig maker

"When we grant a person's wish through magic, if we don't hear that person out, we cannot successfully cast an effective spell."
- Yume Kikuchi

If developers were mages, code would be their spells.

I love computers
I hate computers
I love computers
I hate computers

(repeat as necessary)

With 40+ years in computing, I find that as chanted it matches the speed that my feelings change!

Don't ASS U ME

The problem exists between the chair and the keyboard!

Stolen from a coworker:

It's FM (F-ing Magic).

Always stated after fixing the ID 10 T problem that made them call in the first place.

impact alignment.

"Perhaps you'll get horribly sick and die". -Alan Shore (Boston Legal)

Okay, it's not really IT related, but it can be used in many different situations.

"Perhaps you'll get horribly sick and die". -Alan Shore (Boston Legal)

Okay, it's not really IT related, but it can be used in many different situations.

If someone forgot to turn something on, I tell them "After years and years of training, I have found it works best if you turn them on first....".

If they wait for the last minute for something that is a BIG friggen rush, I say to MYSELF "Lack of planning on your part does me equate to an emergency on mine".

My NEW saying is "I will not live my life as a reaction to you". Of course, that is on a personal level more than IT.

Now stop pinging my cheese.... B-)

Keep It Simple Stupid (speaking to one's self, of course) ... works in and on so many different levels!

either way it progress. :^0

good answer!

because I am remarkably stupid!

Neil :p

This is as close as I get to the Dangerous Sports club.

1
"What lead you to believe the most powerful technology ever developed by humans was also going to simple enough for an idiot to use?"

2
"If I wanted it to be easy to read I wouldn't have written it in code!"

3
"You are confusing me ... with someone who cares"

4
"Who was the person who convinced you that life was fair?"

"If speed were everything, rabbits would rule the world!"

Almost forgot...

After completing the final draft of a plan, or schematic,
we would add the Mil-Spec term:

MIL-TDD-41P

Which stands for :
Make it like the damn drawing, for once, please!

Dave

"Slowly but for surly I gets there....buuutttt veeeerrryyyy slowwlllyyyy!"