1. You could always just do periodic package cache updates, which doesn't take very long (especially if you choose your distribution and release version wisely). For instance, if you use Debian Stable, there will be no software updates between major releases that are not strictly necessary (bug fixes and security patches). You can then use the command [b]apt-get update[/b] to update your local cache in seconds, get offline again, then type [b]apt-get upgrade[/b] to see what packages you have installed need new versions. It will tell you what packages will get upgraded, then ask if you want to continue, and at that point you just hit the N key to tell it "no", since you're not online anyway. Voila, you have a list of what needs updating.
2. If you aren't on the Internet at all, you can (again) just use something like Debian Stable that doesn't get a bunch of new software versions, and never upgrade it. The Stable release of Debian is called "Stable" for a reason: the software that's in it has been so heavily tested by the time it gets into Stable that it typically doesn't need new versions for any reason at all if you aren't on a network, unless you just want the new version. Thus, you don't need to upgrade the software packages, period, for a Debian Stable system that isn't on the Internet and doesn't have network security concerns, except in the rare case you might decide you just want the new version of something.
I'm really not seeing a problem here, aside from the fact that you've chosen a flaky distro like Kubuntu -- but even that shouldn't be an issue, since you don't have the security issues that cause you to require software updates if you aren't networked.
Maybe I should have asked this, instead:
Why, exactly, do you need software updates? I just assumed, in my first response, that if you're not connected to the Internet you only want software updates because you want some whiz-bang new feature of KDE or some nonsense like that. If that's the case, you don't need to update the whole friggin' system, just the stuff you know you want upgraded. Thus, my original answer suffices perfectly. If that's not good enough, that must not be the reason you want software updates. So why [b]do[/b] you want them?
Are you just interested in software updates because they're out there and you can't stand not keeping up with the Joneses?