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Advice on refusing unwanted job

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by Former member 2 views

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I've been working as a network administrator in a good job for several years now. One of my in-laws gave my resume to his organization and they would like to interview me for a network support job dealing with a certain network software/email system that I have past experience with but do not want to spend further time supporting (I consider it to be outdated and archaic - I want to avoid a holy war so I will not specify the products in mind).

The job would also involve relocating to another state which I absolutely do not want to do. I'm happy in my current job and in my current house, both of which I've spent a lot of work on to get just the way I like it.

Because a family member set this up, I feel I have to go on this interview and while I plan to conduct the interview honestly and to the best of my ability (showing up drunk and telling female interviewers my x-ray specs can see everything might work on Three's Company, but is hardly realistic in real life), if I am offered the job I feel the game is over: I would have to take it, have to move, and have to change career paths down an unwanted direction.

I know the correct thing to do here is to explain to all involved why I do not want to relocate, but my wife feels that moving would be better for our kids, whereas I disagree with her on that for several reasons. The area we currently live in has better opportunities and a higher quality of life.

My plan therefore is to simply ask for too much so as to be refused the job; too much salary, too much time to leave my current job, too many perks like relocation assistance, etc. That is probably going to kill the deal and also lead the folks at this organization to tell my in-law that I'm a selfish person who blew the opportunity by making unreasonable demands, but short of knuckling under, quitting my current job and moving to someplace I don't care to live, I just don't see an alternative.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can graciously get out of this situation so my life can continue as normal?

67 replies

by Former member

It would look too outlandish to say "Did I say $75K? I meant $100K!" if they were to, theoretically, agree to the first figure. Ditto tacking on freebies like "And I want an assistant who looks like Heidi Klum, a company car, a box of donuts on Friday..." Being too extreme would just make it obvious that I don't want the job and am trying to be unreasonable to get out of the situation. Which then goes back to the in-law and the wife and then has me camping out in the shed.

The problem is, being reasonable won't help either. If I tell the interviewer: "Look, I appreciate your time here, but this was set up for me by a family member and I don't really think this is a good fit" then as before, that gets back to the in-law and then the wife, and suddenly I'm in hot water for throwing away "an opportunity to make a better life for our kids" (I truly do not believe the economically and culturally depressed state in which this job is located would offer more in the way of opportunities for my children than where we currently reside).

Maybe the thing to do is bring just enough of an attitude to make them decide against hiring me, without them badmouthing me to my in-law. Ridiculing the "stupid users" at my current job, for instance, ranting about the evils of (insert famous software maker name here) and referring to its loyalists as "mind-numbed, programmed imbeciles" or saying "Is there a dress code? I hope there isn't because I won't wear anything but jeans" might do the trick.

by jamesrl

How do you think its going to look when (its not if) your in law asks the interviewer what happened? And trust me it will happen.

Be honest as soon as possible. Tell them you are flattered and considered their job, but that you and your wife decided against moving because you are happy with your location.

They will understand.

Anything else risks your reputation and risks your relationship with your in laws.

James

by dr dij

let them know you wouldn't accept weekend or evening calls for help perhaps, or that you required an extra premium to be 'on call' and to work OT. this would be close enuf to what some people really want ..

by kbrugnani

I think I would be up front and tell the in-law thanks for the invite and I appreciate you thinking about me but I am very happy where I am. Now at least you are being honest which will go further than throwing a wrench in a gear. And the money is always nice but it should be that you are happy about your work which is a key to provide top performance to your peers.

However, you maybe in the dog house with the wife but I think if you have something good why ruin it. I think the attitude would do some justice and not only would the wife understand that you are not what they wanted, but save some grace for the in-law.
On the other hand, most companies won't pay for relocation these days because it is a huge cost that they may never recover and if it doesn't work out, then its an even bigger loss to them and yourself.

by susan_h

All you need to do is explain that, while you appreciate their
interest, you do not want to relocate at this time. Don't burn any
bridges--and make sure you thank them. You may change your
mind at some later date and they might even have a better
position to offer.

On the personal side of the equation:
* You need to get a backbone and take control your own life--
don't let your in-laws dictate where you live and work. If you do
now, you can expect them to continue--and you'll be an
unhappy doormat for the rest of your marriage. I'm guessing
they want their daughter and grandkids closer to them--and
who needs to be close to overbearing, interfering in-laws? If
they sent out your resume and arranged your interview without
consulting you first, you own them nothing.

Moving to an economically depressed area when you already
have a rewarding job in a more stable area is just plain crazy.
* Even if they meet your current salary, the position may not be
as secure. If that job disappears you may not be able to find
other employment (and be stuck with a home that is hard to sell
if you have to move again)
* Even if the cost of living is higher where you are now, the
salaries are probably also higher and you will be able to put
more into retirement plans, etc. Being able to put 10K/year into
a 401k will add up to a heck of a lot more than 5K/year at
retirement--and if there is still social security when you retire, it
will also be a lot higher. Then you can move somewhere cheaper
with a bigger nest egg.
* You owe it to your kids to expose them to all variety of culture.

Well that's my rant.

by Former member

.. if I tell the interviewer my wife and I are against moving, the interview will tell my in-law that I refused the job, which means my next destination is the doghouse.

This situation is really a tough one as I do not want to engage in any sneaky tricks or deception, but on the other hand my family members will be offended and disgruntled if I hold my ground and say I'm not changing jobs or moving.

by jamesrl

Your choice, refuse the job and look bad, or try to flunk out the interview and look bad.

My choice is the first one because at least you will be honest. What happens if it slips out, from you or your wife that you sabotaged the interview - do you think you will be better off?

James

by tantor

Outlaws are *wanted*.

So your inlaws are meddling in your life. It's what they do. If it wasn't this, they'd be complaining about the car you drive, or your kids, or where you chose to buy your house. And they will never butt out of your life until you tell them to. Granted, diplomacy states you need to do this nicely, but you need to do it.

And if the real issue is your wife, then you have bigger fish to fry. I would hope that the relationship between you and your wife is importnant enough to her to stand beside you no matter how unpleasant the fallout.

My in-laws were just insane. They nitpicked everything from the fact that I drive a German car to the fact that I didn't name my son after anyone on their side of the family. They don't like where we live, They don't like the schools we put our kids in, they don't like anything about the choices in life my wife and I have made. They CONSTANTLY got involved in how we raise our kids and that was the final straw.

And one day about three years ago, my wife and I sat down with them and explained that they don't have to like that we have the big suburban house and the two car garage and the kids and the world we created. But if they wanted to be a part of it, they had to *accept* it because we were pretty damn tired of being constantly nitpicked.

They didn't like it because they thought they were totally right, but eventually they accepted that the life we were living was ours, not theirs. And they've backed off.

Don't do anything to comprimise your integrity. Don't blow an interview or make ridiculous demands. Stand up, be honest and kindly ask them to butt out.

At the end, all you have is your diginity. See the key is that if you stand up for yourself and can look yourself in the mirror every morning that's great. It's your life.

If you try nothing but making them happy, you'll be chasing that purple elephant for the remainder of your life.

And you'll be miserable for it.

by blueknight

The dog house is a far better place to be than being miserable because you gave up the home you've worked so hard on to work in a job and location you didn't want in the first place.

You family members will get over it quickly. They must realize that it's YOUR life, and if anyone is going to ruin it, it will be you, not them.

Suck it up and tell them "hell no, I won't go."
You'll be glad you did.

by vltiii

There is nothing tough about this situation. In fact I wish all of my life were this simple. You need to stand up and be recognized as a man. If you don't, how are your children going to learn to make decisions when they enter the real world. Why are you so afraid of your inlaws? You and your wife are heads of your household--not your inlaws.

If you're unwilling or incapable of standing up and being a man you need to cease this thread, cower to your family's desires and never complain about it again. When it's time to enter the world and you see that you kids cannot make simple decisions--remember who their role model is.

I don't mean to come off as if I'm attacking you, although in reality I guess I am, but I would think the needs of your wife/children would come before the whims of your inlaws. This really is a simple situation. As long as you let your inlaws control your life they will!

by rush2112

yea, unless your INLAWS are leaving you a few TRUCKLOADS of inheritance, then grow some testicles and stand up straight and tell those around you, how you really feel and that you have made your decision.

Or bend over like the previous poster suggested and get on the preperation-H prescription plan.

by mickster269

"but on the other hand my family members will be offended and disgruntled if I hold my ground and say I'm not changing jobs or moving."

I thought that YOU didn't want the job, YOU didn't want to move, and YOU didn't think it would be an improvement on your current situation?"

So whose happiness is more important here? Your inlaws? Your wife's? Yours?

From what you have told us, someone is gonna be upset, no matter what you do. You have the choice of who is going to be upset. Is it worth placating other family members, while making yourself unhappy?

If you take the job you don't want, in a place you don't want, because someone else wanted you to... how are you going to feel a year from now? How are you going to feel 3 years from now? Miserable? Angry? Depressed? Resentfull? If you do have these feelings, what kind of Worker/Husband/Father are you going to be because of it?

If I were in your situation, I'd have a long heart-to-heart with my wife. Get all your feelings out there, on the table. Let her know exactly how you feel, and why. I feel that is the real starting point to all of this.

If you decide that you really don't want, and aren't going to take this job, then just tell the company that while you appreciate the offer for an interview, you don't feel that it would be in your best interests at this time. Don't make excuses, don't lie, just be truthful.

If nothing else, they'll respect you for being honest.

If not, they're just a bunch of jerks anyway.

by kaceyr

You're married. That's a partnership between you and your wife. You owe it to her to talk about your feelings concerning the job as well as your opinion about a move.

Don't lie, it'll just makes life crappy for you and those around you.

by stress junkie

Family members are not in charge of your career. Worst of all if you were to take this job, not that it's been offered yet, this family member will expect you to be grateful for their "help" in your career. Salt in the wound if I ever saw it.

Plus this job would result in you working with your in law. Yuck. This in law will hear all of the office gossip about you. And you will hear all of the office gossip about your in law. I don't know which is worse. They're both pretty unsavory.

Stay with the job that you want. Tell your in law thanks for his/her interest but your current job is very good for your career.

by dmambo

We're not talking about a career issue here, we're talking about a family issue. It sounds to me as though you have bigger problems than facing a career decision. You seem more concerned about being disingenuous with a hiring manager than with your family.

I'll paraphrase my perception of this: "I don't want to upset the company I'm going to interview with, but I want my family to think that I gave it the old college try so they'll be fooled into thinking that the company hired someone else."

To my ear, boiled down that says "I'm willing to lie to my family rather than face the prospect of having an open and frank discussion"

Good luck. I wish you the best.

by golfloon

Having interviewed several hundred job applicants over the years here's an alternative if you really can't do the right thing and face up to people. Don't go in and ask for too much. You may well get it and then what do you do? Particularly if your inlaws have been talking you up?

Go in with a total lack of confidence give a lot of I'm not sure answers and don't be positive about anything. Job done.....

by eddie, gh

smr19 should take a broad view of his position. He is happy in the job he is in, and the home situation he has created. Fine.

If he had the challenge to replicate this achievement - and even go further to improve on it - in another setting should he take it? I don't want to describe smr19 as conservative, perhaps he's come to the end of his career. Otherwise, I would advocate that smr19 examine all the possibilities of that move, and what benefits he can leverage based on his "superior" knowledge. He could become the "Bill Gates" of that Company. He should push for the Company to play his ball if they really want to recruit him. And he should lay all the cards on the table. If they cannot play his ball... then that's the answer to his in-law.

by susan_h

I hope Golfloon's suggestion was offered tongue in cheek.

The worst thing you could do is give the company a reason to go
back to the in-law and ask 'What the !*&(%%* were you thinking
when you suggested that dufus for the job? Aside from losing your
self-respect, you would also 'prove' to your in-laws that you are an
even bigger jerk than they thought and surely not worthy of their
daughter.

by jdclyde

Does your wifes family live in the place you would be moving to? This may all be a way of her going back home.

You didn't state if you are originally from your current area, nor if your wife was either.

If this is her home town, then it is reasonable that she would want you to find an opportunity back there.

jobs come and go, but family is that life is all about.

Just another point to look at.

If this is the case, then DO demand enought to make it worth your sacrifice, by asking for extra vac days a year instead of going for the outragious wages. I would take an extra week of Vac over a raise anyday.

by wayne m.

I see three separate issues that you need to deal with: getting out of the interview, talking to your in-law, and making decisions with your wife.

If you have completely decided that you will not accept the job offer, don't waste everyone's time and money, call up the company, tell them you are not interested, and cancel the interview. If you are open to be persuaded, though, write down a list of your top concerns and how they could be mitigated. Frankly, deciding based on the current e-mail system sounds a little shortsighted to me. With that list in hand, you have something concrete to negotiate and find the best alternative for you.

If you decline the interview, the only thing you need to tell your in-laws is "It just didn't work out. Thanks for your help." If you go to the interview and are not offered a position - same answer. No ethical company will tell your in-laws why you were rejected. If you get offered the position, but turn it down, you can still give the same answer, but if you want to go further, fall back on your mitigation list and point to your unsatisfied concerns. Last alternative is that you might discover that you want to accept the position. In that case, you only need to say "Thank you."

Lastly, you need to make this decision with your wife. From your post, it looks like there are too many underlying family issues to be fully addressed here. I would recommend that you develop the concern/mitigation list with your wife so that you both can come to an agreement on your current situation and what qualities describe a better situtation. Then you two can objectively decide together on your course of action.

I can't say what the better decision will be, but you must make it in conjunction with your wife, act decisively, and with no regrets. Don't try to play both sides of the fence and accept the interview and try to sabotage it. That will only lead to second guessing later in life.

Good luck!

by mikel28

Wayne, you could be a lawyer or a therapist. (I was honoured when someone said that to me!) Your reply and advice is a clear and well-argued, incisive analysis of the situation, based on solid, valid and worthwhile values. Thank you!

by jaqui

ask her how this company got your resume.
bitch and moan about the idea of supporting that outdated piece of crap..that it's a step or five backwards in your career path.

basically let her know that this is a real bad offer, get her so irritated that she tells you to not go to the interview.

or, just be 5 minutes late to it, do not dress for the interview, make sure you work up a sweat before it.
so they don't make the job offer.

there are tons of ways to kill an interview, without lying to anyone. just don't put your "best foot forward"

naturally, this has negative impact if you ever wind up meeting the same person at another company.

best way, poke the wife into telling you not to go to the interview. then it's "She Who Must Be Obeyed" that killed the whole thing. ]:)

by dr dij

you took the job and were able to upgrade them to some product you like better to work with?

this would cure part of your problem with the job.

the only thing about not going to the interview, is that despite 'your mind being made up' already, perhaps something about this other company would hit you as being not such a bad place to work afterall.

I agree with above posters that being suckered into an interview you don't want to goto is a waste of time for both you and the company.

Yet it might open some personal networking. suppose your current company moves/ is bought out/ goes under, etc. in a few years, then you know someone who might be in a positon to hire you and you have already met.

also if there are more opportunities at current place, this often tends to mean cost of living is higher at current place.

by highlander718

This looks to me like a thing than needs to be discussed between you and your wife. It appears that the problem is between you (not wanting to move) and her (wanting to move). Once that is settled, who cares what the in-laws might think even if you don;t show up at the interview ? I mean not that you "don't care" but they should understand that your (you & wife) will is to stay put, that you are happy were you are.

by j.ringham

Did your wife give your in-laws your resume in hopes the she could move back to an area that she is more familiar with? Closer to parents or siblings/support group type of people? You don't say how long you have been where you are now, but does your wife not connect with the locals so that she feels more alone where you are? None of this would be your fault, but maybe are some subjects for family discussion. It seems like one of you is going to end up unhappy from this situation, and if you look at that down the road a piece, you may be looking at a split. It sounds like an easy proposition here, just whether you want to take a new job and move or not, but I think that there is more to the picture. You really need to talk to your wife, and your kids if they are old enough to be consulted.

by zazelle

This guy is obviously muslim. There is a requirement within that culture to show great respect to both his and his wife's families. Even to the point where he might be pressured into taking a job in a field he isn't interested in, in a location he doesn't want to move to, just so that no one loses face.

To answer the original question, the only hope you have is to pretend you have been put on a planned career track where you already are, this should give you a short term reprieve with your family. Hopefully long enough until the new post you are discussing has been filled.

by g-daddy

I'd like to add some thoughts to this subject. As Wayne M. indicated previously, you need to create some priority lists indicating your personal and professional needs/wants and rate each item according to it's importance to you. Discuss this list with your wife (if you chose to marry her she obviously is special to you). Next go to the interview, see what the company has to offer, you should always be willing to listen to any opportunities that's available to you. Lastly, after the interview, sit down with your wife and discuss the results of the meeting. Evaluate the information your received and compare the results against your current personal and professional needs/wants list. Maybe this opportunity will bring to light something you should've considered at your current job. But please remember, if it doesn't address a need you've designated as critical maybe this isn't the position for you professionally or personally. Good luck to you on your decision and I hope I've said something that will help you.

by radiospanky

be honest and upfront with your in-laws. When the company calls you for the interview, politely decline the interview andtell them something along the lines of you have decided to ust stay at the company where you are at. Tell your in-laws the same thing immediately after you tell the company. Just my opinion and 2 cents worth.

by marquettia

I think the real issue is your relationship with your spouse. I am speculating that your wife communicated her disatisfaction with your current environment to her family members, who decided to try to help her. It seems to me you really need advice on how to deal with your spouse, since the job interview is simply an extension of the family issue.

by Former member

Hello what are you some kind of SHEEP?
Tell your in laws you are NOT interested in the job, do not go on the interview. Do not move.
Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars!
For heavens sake, be a MAN!
I cannot believe someone would actually have this kind of problem? Grow some balls......

by ultiweb

I couldn't have said it better myself. You need to deal with your wife because she is obviously the one that instigated this entire situation. You are being manipulated and you are just playing along like you have no say so over your own life.

by devans00

Well, I wouldn't have used the exact same words as RRossi, but their message is the gist of what I believe. I'd just change the word Man to Adult. Part of being an adult is making the hard decisions and living with the results. Only on TV and movies is everything cut and dried and easy.

by x-marcap

You are married. Unless your wife is getting help from your side of the family, She is without her network of support. If you are as selfish as you sound she gets zero help from you. You sound like a gutless whiny jerk.

If you think that there are less opportunities in "another depressed state where you don't want to live", let me tell you that you can always make a good living wherever you live. That is if you have a shred of talent. If you don't like snow and cold temperatures, (You sound like a whiny CA sun worshipper, or NY City denizen who believes culture ends when you leave Manhattan) grow up, and put things in perspective.

You may be most valuable in CA where 150,000 IT Jobs are for mediocre web developers. Your family would probably be better off where the wife has support to help with sick kids. It sounds like you really are a selfish immature jerk.

The familial support is better than having no support, any day. Your accumulated whines sounds like a lifestyle choice from a selfish person who will not give up his two seat MG midget to drive a family mini-van. it turns out that you would be more courageous to tele-commute to your current job from where your wifes family lives, or to move and see if you can bring enlightenment to the impoverished, benighted area your wife comed from...

Tim

by gnx

If you don't want to relocate now is the time to make hat clear to the in-laws. Just say thanks for the opportunity but I don't want to relocate. However if your wife feels that you should relocate, have her get the higher paying job and you watch the kids. This worked with mine. You must make it clear that you don't want to relocate and that should be done up front. The more time you take to come up with excuses, the harder it will be to refuse the new job.

by shellbot

everyone has valid points here..talk it through with your wife, she is the other 1/2 of your life.

i want to question the legalities..

surely if the company divulges info about you to your inlaws, they are breaching some sort of confidence? is there no laws regarding this?

by bschaettle

It seems to me that you are the only person who could have given your resume to your inlaws. What on earth did you think they were going to do with it -- wallpaper the bathroom??? YOU started this process when you gave them your resume, and when you did you gave them a reasonable expectation that you wanted this to happen. Now you need to do the right thing and follow through with this interview and do your best to land the job.

by linuxinlibraries.com

It seems to me that you are the only person who could have given your resume to your inlaws. What on earth did you think they were going to do with it -- wallpaper the bathroom??? YOU started this process when you gave them your resume, and when you did you gave them a reasonable expectation that you wanted this to happen. Now you need to do the right thing and follow through with this interview and do your best to land the job.

Not necessarily. If his resume was stored on his home computer maybe his wife gave her parents his resume.

by vltiii

I agree that he initiated the issue when he provided his inlaws with the resume. I still however; do not believe this obligates him to entertain every interview that they may set up on his behalf. What he needs to do is have them check with him to get his level of interest for every possibility that may come up.

by lytri

Sometimes we have to have our own opinion and let people know what it is. Don't try to control outside influences so you can shift the focus to them when people ask you why you didn't take the job. Just tell everyone involved that you're perfectly happy where you are and you don't feel the other job would bring any new opportunity to your life.

by placidair

you and your wife want 2 different things. She wants to move there, and has probably expressed that to her folks -- that's most likely why the resume got sent out in the first place. You're going to need to sit down with your wife and hash THAT issue out, once that's done the job offer issue will take care of itself.

by gardoglee

You should not be going on any interviews, local or out of town, while this land mine is sitting at home. Having been on the other side (wanted to move for the outstanding oppportunity and huge raise, only to discover wife was unwilling to move), I can tell you that going either way without arriving at a decision on direction with your wife is certain to end badly, and more likely than you seem to realize in a divorce.

If she is set on moving, then this is only the first bullet you will need to dodge. Even if you figure out how to do that, do you really want to keep repeating this scenario?

by don'tquityourdayjob

I know how I'd handle this but you really need to discuss this with your spouse!

Your spouse's mom or dad (brother or sister) should no longer be the issue here.

When you married you became "One" with your spouse not the rest of the family!

Don't waste someone elses time for a job you don't want and will not be happy doing!

You should graciously decline and make your feelings clear about the situation.

by 1ieengle

Sounds like you should say all the reasons you have already stated to them. All of these are good and truthful. I would also be polite and tell them that the system they have has many flaws that you do not want to deal with again. say it stressed you out really bad when you worked on it before and you do not want to go through it a second time. If that does not work say your doctor recommended you stay in this area for health reasons (stress related?), provided the other job area is different. Just a few thoughts.......... Hope it works whatever you do

by a6t1

Just do it. Simply thank them for offer and advise that you don't feel it's right for you at the moment. IF they persist or get annoying about it you'll know it was CERTAINLY not the right place anyway. There is NO PROBLEM in declining a job offer. There IS a problem to accept one, however, and simply not show up or worse, leave after a short period to take a better one.

by blueknight

Just be honest and tell the company that your in-law had good intentions, but that you truly are not interested because you're happy in your current position and you don't want to relocate. If you feel a bit gutsy, you could even mention that supporting the particular software system would be a step backward in your career and you're trying to stay *current* and even learn emerging technologies.

Tell them also, that an interview would be a waste of time for both them and you, and you don't want to waste their time (and money assuming they'd pay for the trip to interview). Close by thanking them for asking you. You could also, if you desire, apologize for your in-law's well intentioned attempt to find you a position there -- but they didn't check with you before submitting your resume.

by blueknight

Excellent illustration and your advice is dead on!I think the "in-law test" is the final exam to see if you've fully grown up. Can you stand on your own, or will you still bow to parental pressure. You and your wife did it the right way.

Well put.

by dalicoder

You seem to think the biggest issue is the disagreement between you and your wife as to the environment you're in being better or worse for the kids than the environment you would move to for the new job.

First, be honest with your wife about all the things you've said here (why you don't want the job).

Then, ask her what her concerns are about the environment you're in. Ask for specifics and tell her that you WANT to help make those issues better. If it's a lack of opportunities for your kids at their schools, seek out programs that provide those opportunities elsewhere, etc.

Good luck.

Dave

by carl

I'll be honest and first say that I haven't read all the posts yet (about 50%) so if someone has already mentioned this then I apologise.

BUT,

reading your original post, you don't explain why this in-law is passing YOUR resume around like it's their property in the first place!?! If my VERY PERSONAL property was abused in this fashion I would be extremely upset for a number of reasons; not least because they have possibly jeopadised your current job if your employers were to discover that you're interviewing elsewhere.. My advice, explain to the in-law that they have not only offended you and violated your human & personal rights but also very likely broken several laws. Would you be reacting so calmly if a Recruitment company had put you in this position without your instruction or knowledge? I suspect not. Turn this around, someone should be worried about YOUR feelings and grovelling for forgiveness. The only toes stepped on here are yours....

by jeff.allen

Need I say more? 25 years ago, I would have accepted a job offer from an in-law, but I was a much happier man then. Times, people etc change over the years. If you took the offer (and it suceeded), you would never be happy because of the "what if" syndrome. Too many regrets.
I know it's difficult, but if you DID get the job, you would always "owe" your in-laws. What if your marriage fell apart?
You would always regret not exploring and enjoying what you have set up where you are, and what about your current job? You sound as if you are happy there (and with where you live etc) doesn't that deserve some allegance?

by kendyforthestate

C'mon, eat some spinach and grow a pair of you-know-whats! If you are not interested tell your in-laws thanks, but no thanks, that you are not interested and can manage your own life. Put the shoe on the other foot... if you did the same thing to them, what do you suppose the response would be?

by misguidedkid

Don't just dismiss this opportunity right away. Think hard as to what it would take for you give up what you have and take this job. Salary, vacation, benefits, EVERYTHING. Make sure that while you're cussing Banyan, or whatever it is, that you can look around and say, "But this makes it alright!" Ask for it - and tell them why.

Tell them what you want to work with, and at what cost to them you'll administer it. You may find that they're receptive to the idea of chunking down $50 - 100k one time to get current, all the while getting someone with your skills and level of professionalism at a "bargain" price. Or they may agree to the obscene compensation you asked for. Either way, make sure you'll be able to sleep nights working for them.

If the answer is, "Nothing can make me happy enough to work with this", then tell them (and your meddling in-laws) that there's no future in the position and walk away. Use a typewriter repairman analogy - I love that one for dead technology discussions! Whatever you decide to do, remember you have to do what's best for YOU - the rest is just gravy.

by bizzo

I wouldn't try and mess up this interview, just in case a few years down the road it's where you do want to work.

It looks the main issue here isn't how to flunk the interview, but how to persuade your wife that you don't need to move.

Did her wanting to move come before or after your in-law got hold of your resume? Maybe she's getting pressure from her family to relocate and sees this as the only option. Or maybe she really does hate where you're living at the moment and needs to move, so sees you getting an interview and a job offer as an ideal time to move.

If you really don't want to move location, then you must explain this to your wife before things go any further. And spend time discussing it, leaving out all the in-laws.
If you're happy where you are, but don't mind moving, but really don't want to work where your in-law works, then again, explain this to your wife. That one job is not the only opportunity.

Also try explaining to your wife the technology of the new job, it's outdated and archaic, and maybe in a couple of years time they could possibly get rid of you when the get rid of the network. And where would you be then?

Sounds a bit of messy situation, but good luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

by Former member

I talked to the wife last night, and explained I had no desire nor intention to leave my current job, then laid out my reservations. Turns out she's more interested in a larger house (ours is bursting at the seams) so we compromised by agreeing to look for a larger place in our current neighborhood. End of problem.

Funny how one can blow up an issue to make it seem more of a big deal than it really is. Thanks to everyone for the advice and comments.

by vltiii

It sounds as if you're more focused on what is best for you as opposed to your family as a whole. You and your wife need to reach an agreement on what is best for your family. If you both agree that better schooling for your kids is the driving factor then you have your answer. If you "both" agree that better opportunities for you will benefit the family then that is your answer.

Your post makes you appear to be very weak. You are under no obligation to interview or take a job that you're not interested regardless who recommended you. You may want to have your family members check with you before passing your resume on to an organization that you have no interest in working for.

I would not recommend intentionally sabotaging an interview. This could potentially come back to haunt you at some point down the line. If you're really not interested, call the interviewer and tell him/her that you would like to respectfully withdraw yourself from consideration for the position. You shouldn't have to explain why you're withdrawing, but if you are asked and feel you have to give in to the pressure--be truthful, but tactful, i.e. I'm not prepared to relocate, etc.

by vltiii

This is the way to go. Be honest and straight forward. If this causes a problems for the inlaws, it's most likely they're unreasonable anyway. Ultimately, as JamesRL stated, you and your wife decide what is best for your family... period.

by vltiii

This was so well stated and addressed the core issues. When people wed, their spouses/children become their family and siblings, parents, inlaws, etc, become extended family.

Remember during the most wedding ceremonies (depending I guess) the question is asked who gives the bride away? Normally, it's the father that responds with "I do." The bride is no longer his little girl, but more importanly her husbands wife.

by flyers70

You need to be honest, they'll understand. If they don't that's too bad. It's your life. You only get one.

by golfloon

If he goes in and answers all of the technical questions wrongly your right he will look a right jerk and upset the inlaws. If on the other hand he goes in their with no self confidence he just won't make the short list and the feedback that his inlaws will get is there were better applicants for the job. It's a subtle but quite important difference.

by golfloon

It is certainly what you or I would do but look at the facts. If smr19 can't even stand up to his inlaws is he going to have the life skills to be a Bill Gates or push the company to play his ball I very much doubt it.

by Member 22469336

Since you feel compelled to take the interview, I would try being honest (but not brutally honest) with the interviewer(s) and don't feel compelled to tell everything about your situation.

"I'm flattered that you want to interview me - my ___-in-law gave you my resume without my knowledge, so I feel somewhat obligated to hear about your position - and I am interested to learn more about your company."

"My wife is OK with relocating here - I'm not as sure, but could consider it if there were some significant relocation help from the company."

"I'm very expert with this particular software, although many companies are phasing it out. Do you have phase-out plans? I would definitely like to learn (or already know) new software systems and would love to work on cutover from your existing software." [This lets them know that you aren't interested in stagnating with their old stuff]

"I am currently a systems administrator (or whatever your position is), and am looking for an opportunity to take on management responsibilities. Would this be a management position? What are my opportunities for advancement?" [This lets them know that if their offer is only a parallel opportunity that's just technical, that they aren't likely to attract or keep you - looked and sound disappoint when they say that the position isn't management but that there may be possibilities in the future for your advancement]

"I feel that my salary in my current position is somewhat lower than my work performance and responsibilities would indicate. Because of that, and the fact that I would have to uproot my family to move across the company (and into an unknown company and situation), I would like a fairly substantial boost over my current salary. I don't mean this to sound greedy, but there is a substantial risk of the unknown on my part. Also, without the opportunity to work with some of the newer software systems, I would be responsible for any training on other software to retain my professional capabilities." [If you say this very-matter of factly, in a calm voice, it should come off as not demanding, but rather somewhat sympathetic]

At this point you give a salary that is high enough that fits what you've just said (and also, that you might be willing to take to suffer through all of this) but not so high as to be out-of-sight. Also realize, if your number isn't high enough, they could come back with what everybody would agree is a reasonable counter-offer that you'd have to take to avoid trouble with the family and looking like you never were serious about considering the offer.

I think that if you practice this, you could pull it off, where the interviewer(s) would be impressed with your professionalism, but realize that they shouldn't make you an offer because it just isn't a good fit.

Good luck

by jalford12

You don't say whether this interview is for a "family" firm or not.

If not, then there is no way the company could ethically give your "in-laws" any detail on your interview, results or your responses. I accept that if this is a "family" firm, ethical responsibilities are quite often ignored.

Saying that, you should definitely sit down with your wife and discuss the issues. Is this job closer to her family? Is this the real reason why she is in favor of the move?

The decision whether or not to even consider the new job should be a joint decision; and please discuss all the positives and negatives.

If, between you, you decide that what is best for you and your family is to stay where you are, then politely decline the interview, let them know that you appreciate the opportunity, but that this job change is not the right move at the present stage of your career/life.

Whatever you do, don't alienate this company with lies or maneuvering. You never know, you may need to approach them some time in the future, and if you burn all your bridges now, then you are stuffed.

by reynoldsjea

You're happy in your job and your home? Say so "thank you for thinking of me, but I'm happy where I'm at!"

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