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Early Friday Yuk

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by rob mekel 1 view

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as I'm off to some nice skiing vacation :) I'll start the friday yuk early

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well over due 9 month pregnant couple come to the hospital where she will have her baby.
On entering the hospital a doctor speaks to them and asks them a question if they are willing to enter a research program.
As she is obvious in a hurry they ask: what program?
It's a program where the labor pain of giving birth is transferred to the father of the child, the doctor answers.
The guy in a good mood as he his becomming father the first time is willing to help his wife as much as he can and answers: ofcourse, we will, I'll do anything to help my wife.
So they all rush to the delivery room, where the pregnant woman gets an injection and tap that connects her to a machine that will transfer the labor pain.
The doctor explains: as we all know men can't have much pain we will start out with a 10% pain transfer, as he starts the machine.
With her first contractions of labor she is obvious in a bit of pain while her husband doesn't seem the have any pain whatsoever even tho the machine is running.
In his optimism he say's: turn it machine to 30% pain transfer, sofar I'm not feeling any pain. So the doctor say's: are you sure ... it can be a lott. The guy says: just do it I don't feel a thing jet. So the doctor sets the machine to transfer 30%.
As his wife has an other contraction and has a bit less pain then the first time, the 'husband doesn't give a crack, as he is still is feeling no pain.
Optimistic as the husband is he call's for the doctor and says: turn that machine to 100% transfer. I can have it!!
The doctor still not sure if his machine works ... asks if he is sure to have all the pain transferred as it might kill him.
He replays: don't feel any pain yet. so give me 100%.
The wife goes in the final delivery ... and there she is, a great good looking baby-girl.
The husband is full of joy. He didn't feel a thing of the pain transfer.
As the wife and baby have to stay a night at the hospital for observation the husband goes home. ..... There he finds the milkman dead in front of there house. :0
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Have a great weekend and week, all :)

Rob

10 replies

by jessie

Cleaning the toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

by dumphrey

That was the funniest thing I have read in a while!
And one for our Erin crowd

A Proud Moment

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm-they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said "Dad -I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction; with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me, his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"

by boxfiddler Hot topic

should Barak Obama be elected President, from that point on the US will be known for its BO!

by jaqui

you mean you didn't know that Methane is yet another global warming gas?
[ emitted as flatulence by all mammals ]

by boxfiddler Hot topic

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BA NG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! 'Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!?

edit the usual

by half9

.

I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up in a bar all night. As she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said Audi.

She told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of a Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper.

I'd drunk a few Coronas when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay, she said you don't know what your Nissan. So I paid. I took her back to my place or HQ as I like to call it, I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.

Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy... a little Bambina

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