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by nz_justice 2 views

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Is there some order or something to who creates these things?

Well I thought I would share these with the TR.

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .......Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ........ Parking Spots....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

57 replies

by mjwx

you beat me to it. Damn Western Australian time zone. just for that i might have to tell a few kiwi jokes.

-----------------------------------------------
Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

-------------------------------------------------
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

--------------------------------------------------

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

by nicknielsen

Yesterday, government scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary......

by gadgetgirl

I'll post my two penn'orth anyways....

(should be in the miscellaneous section, NZ_J!!)
[wonder if NeilB will notice or post another this week!! :D]

A little boy goes to his father and asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

Your mum and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with her and we met at a cyber cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of as had used a firewall and since it was too late hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"
***
Q: How did the beaver get online?
A: He logged on!

And finally, because you expect these things from me?..(!)

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why you?re shaking, she's going to eat me."

]:)

GG

by gadgetgirl

had it all my life....

I'm just too nice.

Even to people who [b]stand me up![/b]

(Wonder how many more times I can mention that?!)

:D

GG

by nz_justice

this might explain. borrowed from this thread.

http://tinyurl.com/bf25u

"I am upside down you know. on the under side of the world. Gravity is different. Laws of physics are different, we are way too liberal about every thing.

"There is also a dense atmosphere that stops electrical signals of understanding from reaching the brain when one sees or hears or reads something. This dense atmosphere also affects spelling and grammar. People who are most affected are born in the South Island and Stewart Island.

People in OZ aren't as effected because they are closer to the equator the same goes for Argentines and boks."

But now when you answer a network qusestion in the tech Q & A you could post a link to this thread that is in the network section and make their day.

;)

by stargazerr

Ahh Well ... Here goes ...

An extremely ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man approaches her;
- "Are they twins?"
Puzzled the woman replies;
- "No. One is 7 years old, while the other is just 3. Why do you ask ?" The man replies;
- "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone f***ed you twice!"

]:)

by rob mekel

you?re not talking about yourself? ]:)

Cause I asked her that question. Nicer as you re-call but, in essence, the same. lol :D:D

(It was irresistible to do, lol :D)

Rob

by stargazerr

Dont recall seeing you Rob ... Are you sure you werent staring into a mirror and having your usual "Talking to I" fit??

]:)

by m_a_r_k

Rob, did I misunderstand what you're saying in your post? I admit I usually have absolutely no clue what any of your posts mean so I may have misunderstood this one. If I did understand correctly, you're trying WAY too hard to get attention. Please explain what you meant. Thanks.

by tonythetiger

A man sees a woman walking her dog in the park and says "My God! Where did you get that ugle thing?"

woman: "Don't talk about my dog like that!"

man: Shut up lady. I was talking TO the dog!"

====

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear down to the bone.

by jdclyde

feel the need to apologise, then you probably did do the toe stomp.

You would not believe how many posts I end up cancelling out instead of posting. You only get to see what gets past my internal filter! (there is something for people to wonder about....)

Other rule of thumb, never apologise for something your not sorry about, and your not sorry about anything that is repeatedly done.

I have to run along and be a good boy now... ;\

by jamesrl

There are times when its helpful to swallow your pride and apologise for something you don't feel sorry about.

I was privy to a phone message from one of our clients regarding a project I am working on. They were clearly upset about something, and I had my own managements backing and support on every step. My own management was not happy at receiving the call, and when we all sat down, offered an apology - not that we mistepped but perhaps something we may have done or not done lead to a misunderstanding.

I also had a similar sitaution at a previous job. I was responsible for Y2K at a billion dollar a year company and I wrote a memo that tended to portray some of the IT departments decisions in not the best light. I raised a red flag. Well the CIO was fit to be tied, and he went to my bosses boss (the CFO) and demanded an apology and a retraction. The CFO looked me in the eye and told me that I was right, had done the right thing, but for the sake of maintaining the relationship I should take one for the team and apologise. He worked with me on the "clarification" but it wasn't a retraction. I took my lumps. A month later that CIO was fired and I survived.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

James

by rob mekel

understood right. Needing to explain jokes means that they are missing the point as the should be easy to understand. And there for no good joke.

sipsip and i meant it well :(

Rob

by m_a_r_k

Uh... my interpretation is that you were saying that stargazerr is the woman the joke is about. That's extremely disrespectful. I'm shocked you would try to make a joke like that.

by rob mekel

I am ashamed of myself :( ,even trying to humiliate her like that.

What was I thinking :(, a nice lovely person like Stargazerr :) :x

But then again you can't say it wasn't an open door.

Rob

by tonythetiger

Why do brides wear white?

So they'll match the other appliances.

What did God say after Eve went swimming for the first time?

"I don't know how I'm going to get that smell out of the fish."

by m_a_r_k

Rob, the first half of your apology was well done. However, the open door comment... She relayed a joke. Telling a joke is not an open door to turn it back on the joke-teller. The world would be a boring place if everyone had that fear when telling a joke. I won't say anything else about this. Let's drop it. But please think before you type and don't try so hard to get attention.

by oz_media

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda says "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, " I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?"she frowned, "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said shaking her head indisdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get an hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"

"Well, one I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital...

HAVE A GRREEEEEEEEEAT WEEKEND EVERYONE! :)

by maecuff

I wonder if I'll get any death threats from this?? :)

"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"

by old guy

That is too funny. I can't stop laughing on this one. Uh-oh, maybe I better retract that. I wouldn't want to be on the death threat too. B-)

by jdclyde

about if you repeatedly do something, then you are showing the people that you are not sincere.

An insincere apology is often taken as an insult.

The point is, modify the behavior.

by m_a_r_k

Wasn't I already gunning for you in some other thread today? I can't remember which thread. They're all starting to sound alike lately.

by old guy

But I camouflage well. That's how Tennesseans do things. Remember Davy Crockett, oops, I mean Daniel Boone.? :)

by maecuff

That was in the wrong spot.

What I meant,was Davy Crockett really doesn't ahve much to do with OG and me being willing to risk our lives for our humor. Even if it's lame and not all that funny.

by m_a_r_k

Mae, were you born this morning? It wouldn't be a stretch to say that just about everything posted in TR does not stick to the original issue. :D

by m_a_r_k

I know about Davy Crockett. He and John Wayne got killed in the Alamo fighting for Texas independence from Mexico. Ol' Davy was a great Texan. Thank you, Tennessee. :D

by jzsdii

Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

Welcome to America
...now speak English

by jdclyde

is a sell out! Sting him up guys! We have a spy in our group here! Bet he only watched the super bowl for the food and wine! :D What? figure skating? GET HIM!!! :p

by deadly ernest

and where do you get it - Coles, Woolworths, Grace Bros, Myers, Clints. How much popcorn does it hold? Is it plastic or glass?

I could do with a real superbowl. The biggest bowl I can buy requires me to make two trips to refill with popcorn while watching the footy final, or the Australian Women's National Basketball League Games - they are almost as good to watch as to referee them.

Oh well back to the football, I believe their is a very good game being broadcast tonight Manchester United against Queens Park Rangers. May even watch yesterday's Aussie Rules match of the day later on the replay.

And what is this figure skating, how do you do figures while skating, the wheels don't lend themselves to sharp turns and the cement path is hard.

by jdclyde

on every point. ;\

You had originally left me wondering what you were going on about......

by jdclyde

[b]Generous Husband[/b]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman..."You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?""

by old guy

between M_a_r_k and me regarding his statement about gunning for me in another post. I used the analogy of Davy (though I meant Daniel Boone) about he wouldn't have been able to see me to shoot me because being from Tennessee we hide camouflage well in the woods like Daniel Boone did. It was a Tennessee verses Texas thing. M_a_r_k and I knew what we were talking about. Gee, I can't imagine anyone not understanding us...:D

by stargazerr

Tell us the truth ... Are you trying to pull a Jaqui and say on the 25th that it [b]was[/b] actually today??

]:)

by maecuff

it's actually the 25th, and your post confused me. It gave me a headache. Please don't do that again, I can only take so much before I just snap. :)

by stargazerr

Now I dont know if I have eaten the birthday cake or have to wait eagerly for the 25th ... :(

]:)

by m_a_r_k

starrrr, Mae made a comment that somebody's post was off-topic. I replied to her that she should realize that that's a common thing. I asked her if she was born this morning, which is a smart-alecky way of asking how could she be so naive to think that posts do in fact remain on topic. Being born this morning implies that she hasn't been around long enough to figure stuff out yet. It's not a very common phrase. You may not have heard it in India. ?:|

by stargazerr

I knew that I had been an idiot ...

But look at the bright side .... "I still get cake" :D

]:)

by m_a_r_k

You just weren't familiar with the rarely used phrase. Actually, it wasn't a joke at all. It was more like just a smart-aleck one-liner retort to Mae.

And I disagree with you, JamesRL. Some jokes have meaning only to the joke-teller and the recipient. Inside jokes, for example. starr and I have had a few inside jokes here that nobody else had a clue what they were about. ;)

by old guy

Man you guys sure do have some inside jokes and you don't share them very well. There have been some that kind of made me feel like Stargazerr does about not being able to get in to the special TR area. Only I didn't pout as cute as she can. :) (That's ok you can keep the jokes inside--we don't really want to know them anyway.)

by stargazerr

No inside jokes mark, I am just heeding advice ... someone once told me ... Never decide between 2 people you know ... you might end up making an enemy .... :D

]:)

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