A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Drummers
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
A: He speeds up when he?s knocking
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Bagpipes
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to bagpipers?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What?s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a bagpipe in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Q: What will you never say about a bagpiper?
A: "That's the bagpiper's Porsche."
Q: How are a bagpiper and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Strings
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?
A: The conductor, business before pleasure.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: A violin and a viola are both in a burning building, in the same room, which burns first?
A: The violin because the viola was in its case.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.
A violist was in the back seat of a small town's orchestra. One day he found a genie and was granted three wishes, the first wish was that he wanted to be 5 times better then he already was. By the next practice he was principal of the violists. After some time, he wanted to become even better. He went to the genie and asked to be 10 times better once more. The next day he became the principal violist of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. After months he still wanted to become a musician. He asked the genie once more but to be 15 times better. The next day at practice he was back in his small town's orchestra but in the very back of the second violin section.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Brass
Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the tuba lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Everybody Else:
Q: What do clarinettists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinettists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead
Q: How do you get a clarinettist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
And finally:
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: The Roadie.
