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Friday Yuk

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by aidemzo_adanac

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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because, instead of “beautiful”, it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

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by aidemzo_adanac

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

by Member 25348569

I'm really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My wife's too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

by Member 25348569

If an amnesiac got Alzheimer's, would he forget that he couldn't remember anything?

If you were a necrophiliac, a paedophile and into bestiality, would your ideal sex partner be an omelette?

Do you know the best cure for depression? Suicide...

Consider the positives; you're never lonely with schizophrenia. And if you're offended by that, you can both bugger off...

There's a thin line between obsessive and compulsive. It's a hyphen...

by aidemzo_adanac

Living in Canada and getting most comedy from the US, I sure do miss dry wit....or just 'wit' in any form for that matter.

I've had a gas for the last little while with a band member (the actual Oz who's never even seen TR) but loaded him onto a plane back to UK this morning for some upcoming shows in Europe. Between him and his singer, a true Yorskshireman that's a great laugh, I find myself picking my butt up off the floor and saying 'that was REALLY funny'. Humour here is too PC, not as bad as in the USA but everyone's too scared to laugh without offending someone these days.

by Member 25348569

Try and find some YouTubes of Jimmy Carr. He usually finishes off his acts with an encore where he tries to exceed the limits of bad taste for as much as the audience that he can. I have a fairly cavalier attitude to other peopls' sensibilities but he can even have me going "Woah!".

Some relatively tame efforts:

Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you pen:s enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My father always used to say: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Until the accident.

by hal 9000

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks: “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well you can imagine her disappointment. The next year , her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t give her anything. She asks: “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?” He replies “You didn’t use what I gave you last year!”

by Member 25348569

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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