[b]Firepower for a Bear Gun[/b]
A 22 short should do it . . . . . Think not? Read on . . . . . . .. . .
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The best answer:
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if something happens, there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man, was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[b]Stormy Night [/b]
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[b]Father John[/b]
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[b]It's Hell to be Old[/b]
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.
