Friday Yuk

so enjoy...

BTW...Mae hates this vid clip, but this li'l dingleberry gets me guffawing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEqwKNNQBwc

and mugshots. At the Smoking Gun, home of the mug shot.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0716081shirts1.html

Three things to ponder...
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during
the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the
state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But
they are unable to locate 21 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N: The Government keeps talking about
drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don' t we just give them ours? It
was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S: The real reason that w e can't
have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot
post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', and 'Thou
Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
Politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

have an earwig..please..someone..have mercy on me...

I never needed love like I need you
And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone
Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

etc etc etc etc

[b]just a blow job[/b]

The couple gets to the girlfriend's house after going out when they're at the front door
the boyfriend asked the girlfriend:

"Before you go in , why don't you give me a blow job?"
She says: "what? Are u out of your mind?"
"just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby"
"are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us"
" oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby"
"I already said no ? so quit asking for it"
"I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I'm going to explode
is just a blow job"
"I said no , ok?"
"come on , don't be like that, just a blow job"

In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all
sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says:

"My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don't want to, I'll do
it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he'll give him the blow job , but please
"ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US FUCKING SLEEP"

[b]"SMART BLOND"[/b]

Reporter: What does a UFO and a SMART BLOND have in comin?
Citizen: I don't know, what.
Reporter: You hear about both of them, but never see them.

Poor Dave had no ears.

Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire anew manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came the reply.
He did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?? Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no &^%$ ears!

http://tinyurl.com/2g9mqh
But I roll every time I see it. The hair, the clothes, the smooth dance moves...
Some things are classic for a reason.
Oh, and the song is okay too.

25 ways to know your grown up

1. Your house plants are alive & you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7 . Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again".

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and
sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $1,000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving
drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who
gives the hand jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'

Heat Wave
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
*****
Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

?What do you think you're doing?? asks the wife.

?They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,? he replies.

?Put them back, we can't afford them,? demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

?What do you think you're doing?? asks the husband.

?Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,? replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ?So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.?
*****
Italian Present
This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about
a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.
The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their
presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each
other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and
his father is NOT pleased!

"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some
day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle
down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.
THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed
with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your
watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

gonna find my baby
gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight

:^0 ]:) I am so evil ;) :D

A city guy is looking for a little rest and relaxation,so he calls his friend, the farmer, and asks if he can stay with him for a few days...the farmer said "yes, but you will have to take out my 2 daughters Nelly and Vicky." He agrees,packs his bag and heads out to the farm, stays there for a few days,he took the daughters Nelly and Vicky out as promised and heads back to the city...a few months later the city guy get's a letter, and it reads...

Are you the one that did the pushin?
Left the stains upon the cushion?
left the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Well my older daughter Nelly, has a swelling in her belly. Don't you think it's time to visit our fair town?

Aout a week later the farmer get's a letter back and it reads....

Yes I'm the one that did the pushin.
Left the stains upon the cushion. Left the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But your younger daughter Vicky left an itchy in my dicky, don't you think we're 50/50?

10 Things Men Know About Women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10 Women have breasts

that I let slip to my boys about their female-parental-unit. (I try to NEVER talk badly about her in front of them).

We were watching tv and typical fart humor came on, and being the dumb cavemen we are, we were laughing. There was a part where women farted, and what slipped out was "yeah, your mother never farted much because she didn't shut up long enough to build up the pressure".

Through their tears of laughter, they told me I was mean.... :p :D ;\

And I am.... ]:)

33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute....
I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

BACKGROUND: The classic movie "The Wizard of Oz" has recently been re-released here in the U.S.

The Top 13 Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"

13> Newly-restored scene shows the Munchkins asking the Wizard for testicles.

12> Scarecrow, Tinman and Cowardly Lion now referred to as the "PETA-Approved Crow-Frightening Person of Straw", the "Non Gender Specific Recycled Metallic American", and the "Assertiveness-Challenged Feline."

11> "Wicked Witch of the West" replaced by
"Misguided Independent Counsel of the Beltway"

10> Restored scene in which Jabba the Hutt advises Dorothy not to dump the ruby lippers at the first sign of monkey bat attack.

9> Dorothy clicks her heels and says, There's no place like the mall."

8> Victim of a careless oversight in 1939, Bob Dole is finally credited for his role as "Elderly Farm Hand #2."

7> "Come with us to the Emerald City! I'm sure the Wizard can help you find the real killers!"

6> Dorothy wakes up in rehab and swears she'll lay off the stuff forever.

5> Through the magic of special effects, all munchkins now played by Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman and Michael J. Fox.

4> Then: "Poppies! Poppies! Poppies!"
Now: "Dude, I can't find a vein!"

3> Vanilla Dot and little T-Dogg barely survive the drive-by from the Munchkrips.

2> "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THAT INTERN!!!"

and Top5's Number 1 Change in the New "Wizard of Oz"...

1> Tin Man axes Toto after hearing "Yo quiero Taco Bell" for the zillionth time.

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his
wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

one of SWMBO's favs-

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I have just one problem.

It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

...what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, ?I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.?

The second man said, ?I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.?

The last man said, "I want someone to say, ?He?s moving, he?s moving!?

...when a woman sidles up next to him. ?You?re cute,? says the woman. ?Do you want to go back to my place and have some nasty sex??

?You bet!? exclaims the hillbilly. ?But I have to tell you, I?m a virgin. I?ve always been scared because my mom told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite.?

?Don?t worry,? the woman says, and the two head back to her place, where she strips and shows the hillbilly her private parts. ?Now, does it look like I have teeth down there?? she asks.

?How could you possibly have teeth down there?? he says.

?Look at the shape your gums are in!?

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. ?What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?? asks the cop.

?I?m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.?

?Oh yeah?? says the doubtful cop. ?Lets see you do it.? The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. ?Wow,? says the driver to his wife. ?I?m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they?re giving now!?

.............................

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.

The Captain looked in his book of record and said, ?But you just got a new pair last month!?

?Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,? stammered the private.

?Accident, what kind of an accident?? The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, ?Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident??

?No, no nothing of those?? said the private.

?Well then, what is it??

?I?d rather not tell you sir??

?Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,? said the medical officer, ready to stand up, ?I?ve to see my patients now.?

?No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,? blurted the private.

?Don?t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl??

?You see, she crossed her legs?..?