Friday Yuk

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
90% of all statistics are made up.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
A good pun is it's own reword.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
There's no future in time travel.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
All generalizations are false.
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

She has an IUD with a beeper.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

don't make a right... but 3 left's do!

A contractor was being shown what the homeowner wanted fixed in the house. Every few minutes the contractor would go to the window and shout, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

After this happened a few times, the homeowner insisted on knowing why.

The contractor explained, "I have an all-blonde crew laying down sod next door..."

This vid shows what happens when you launch a bottle rocket from your bottom side orifice.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=31219

Okay, I don't know if the two squirrels are actually related, but this squirrel certainly has a unique fire suppression methodology.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=31049

One of the funniest, saddest and provocative assembly of sites on the intarweb...

http://www.thisistrue.com/
http://www.stellaawards.com/
http://www.thisistrue.com/zt.html

You can't make this stuff up...

Disclaimer: I am a paid subscriber to Randy's weekly email list. This is not an attempt to solicit business for Randy, just a couple of funny sites IMHO.

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of
intense meetings, he's exhausted. After work he decides to go
out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after
a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He
decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more
drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some
action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the
bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then
screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-
Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of
his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha
such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she
leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of
the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes
great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft.
putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes
his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with
the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!
"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?"

I stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to Dublin?"

The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?" and I replied, "I'm driving."

The Irishman said, "Aye, that'd be the quickest way!"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25356069/>1=43001

AV :^0

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

------------------

Note to our American chums! We - and the Aussies - pronounce the word "route" as "root".

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance.

Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in love making. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been waiting for was upon us.

As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass just as the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night.

We lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, whispered "Baaaa," then re-joined the flock.