friday yuk

Humans Are Dead

http://tinyurl.com/2hnqs2

...what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, ?I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.?

The second man said, ?I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.?

The last man said, "I want someone to say, ?He?s moving, he?s moving!??

...behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *ss and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

...a burglar hears someone say, ?Jesus is watching you.? To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, ?What?s your name??

The parrot says, ?Moses.?

The burglar goes on to ask, ?What kind of a person names their parrot Moses??

The parrot replies, ?The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.?

diarrhea. From a Japanese to English training film. No sheet.
http://tinyurl.com/22rol9

One day a woman stops by her son's house unannounced. She knocks on the door and after a brief wait walks in.
She is shocked to find her daughter-in-law laying stark naked on the sofa. "What are you doing!!", she asks. The daughter-in-law replies, "This is my Love Dress."
"Your what? I've never heard of such a thing."
"No really. I put on my Love Dress, lie here on the sofa, and when my husband comes home he makes passionate love to me for hours."

Well, the woman thinks she has to try this. After all, her kids are grown and out of the house. Her love life with her husband isn't what is used to be. She hurries right home, takes a long bath with special bath oil, fixes her hair and makeup, applies her best perfume to all the right places, and lies down on the sofa stark naked. And just in time, too.

Her husband walks in, takes one look at her and says, "What the he!! do you think you're doing?"
"This is my Love Dress", she replies.

"Hmmph!", replies her husband. "Needs ironing."

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2

A priest offered a ride to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister,
but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." POOF! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life." POOF! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two
back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #4

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not?" So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Last night, a friend of mine was talking to a guy in the beer lineup at RUSH, he seemed normal enough(not my friend, he's not normal at all). After getting through teh line, my friend handed me teh guys business card.

Check this guys website out, kinda reminds me of our old friend the WebNinja.

http://www.atheists.net

[b]WARNING[/b]
As you can tell from the URL, this will not be a site for those who are upset by attacks on thier religion. The vocabulary is rather foul and the comments are extremely harsh. View at your own risk.

much more thought than I did.

I only browsed it for a few minutes, however I didnt see it as 'forcing' any religion or non religion on anyone, just more of a 'happy place' for a psychotic loser. Oh, and to add -- delusions of grandeur :^0

Edited to add: So then, I guess you dont wanna go on a massive killing spree with the Scummy??? :^0

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if Kiwi's had the same phone.

He arrived in the South Island of New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 'FREE.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're on the West Coast now, son - it's a local call'.