After Hours

Ask something

81 replies

by bizzo

Saw this on a festival wristband a couple of years ago:

"Keep Earth Clean, It's Not Uranus"

by dr dij

In the year 3000, on a Futurama episode where the professor is using his 'smelloscope' to scan the heavens, we find out that the planet Uranus had its name changed, to avoid that very joke.

It is now called "Urectum"

by jaqui

Ban the Infernal Combustion Engine!
it is causing our children to have asthma and allergies from birth with the poisons it spews into the atmosphere.

forget the "climate change" issues, look at how the toxins have caused a huge increase in sick children, and clean up your act to save the children.

edit to add:

I know, not funny. some medical studies have made that claim though, more than most want to believe.

by bizzo

1 - Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth
2 - Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval
3 - When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute half a biscuit to each of the attendees.
4 - Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'
5 - Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen
6 - Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'
7 - Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & 'Charlie don't surf'
8 - Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly
9 - Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting onit when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp
10 - Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'
11 - Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute
12 - Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat
13 - Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face
14 - Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth
15 - Hum 'We'll meet again' throughout
16 - Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes
17 - Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such
as:'what's the margin, marvin?'
'When's this turkey going to get basted?'
'If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'
18 - Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids
19 - Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda.
Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
.1. Trample the weak
.2. Triumph alone
.3. Invade Poland.
20 - Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch
21 - When referring to someone in the room always call them your 'homey'
22 - Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'

by critch

I say that my first kid was born with a broken arm.... from trying to hang on until after the wedding...

by jdclyde

it is as if you were here right now"

:D

I used to tell the ex to watch it, because she was still under warranty. B-)

by critch

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between us.
After all, I'm a Virgo and she's a bitch.

by rfink

The first one said, "Mine's an angel."

The second one said, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

by bubba69

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

by nubbs17

What does a divorce and a twister have in common in Oklahoma? Someone's going to lose a trailer!

by older mycroft

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank . Our prayers have been answered!"

by bubba69

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

by bubba69

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last
tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest pang was another false alarm. Unfortunately, he was wrong and he completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shite out
of a ghost."

by bubba69

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.

by bubba69

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A monkey eating cherries.

by bubba69

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.

by burget1

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He wanted to show his girlfriend he had guts.

by hoagiebp

My parents' friends, my aunts, pretty much anyone older than me would constantly poke me in the ribs and say, "You're next."

They stopped that crap when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

by hoagiebp

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

by hoagiebp

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine,
and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second
nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she
would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she
would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to
the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for
washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The
curlers are on me."

by jdclyde

I used to work in a gas station when I was a young pup.

Some kids came in and asked for some "cigarette rolling papers".

who are you kidding, ya little burnout? :D

[i]true story

by the scummy one

I walked into a shop once and asked for a bong, I was politely informed that they dont sell 'bongs' there, only 'water pipes' -- who are they kidding?

by bubba69

When we were married, she used to get mad when I introduced her as "my first wife ". I just don't understand women.

by bubba69

Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

by oz_media

One of those squeaky women with a permanent look of shock on her face.

I always find them full of cold air, and I am always left out of breath.

Haven't tried an electric air pump yet though.

by Member 25348569

Why are mermaids always depicted with the upper torso of a woman and the lower half of a fish when what I'd want if I were a sex-starved seadog is the other way round: a bottom half that functions and a top half that doesn't talk.

by jdclyde

sat around thinking about the sexual urges of seadogs, nor of the functionality of mermaids......

:0

by jdclyde

because all I heard was the show was open to all bitches, and I figured I had a winner for sure! B-)

How was I to know? ;\

by oz_media

Scummy One: I think you're confusing being blind with her need for a sense of humour.

As for me, deaf, dumb, blind, all of the above, etc. I am too politically correct to descriminate that way....well rigormortis is out but that's about it.

by dumphrey

I mean, HMS Bounty is on the TV, you look at em all and think, "I bet they "gang" up on the little one at night...." It just sorta happens, you don't have to actively plan it all out...
And mermaids, everyone looks at em and says "Id hit that... if I could.."
And then there is the old Snow White and the Dwarfs....
I think all fairy tales are just sex and violence references, thinly veiled with a story.

by oz_media

and what a great choice of tunes too, at least you didn't go with the standards, very well done indeed, I'm much impressed!

You can always tell a noob, poser or wannabe when they ramble off one or two commercial tunes and don't really know a back catalogue.

AC/DC and Judas Priest are always good ones too, the posers choose Shook me All Night Long and Turbo, the real deal always picks something like Bad Boy Boogie and Victim of Changes respectively.

But seriously, keep her out of the sun, top her up (with air) every day or two to keep her toned and try spraying her all over with a little PAM before play, less squeaking and chaffing.

by jdclyde

It is always great when people share the little secrets they have discovered along the way. That sharing of knowledge is what makes TR so great......

:p

Do you prefer butter or olive oil spray? :D

I have never been a fan of the "hits". If it makes the radio, it is rarely something I listen to once I own the cd/cassette/LP. One of many reasons why I don't listen to the Metalicats newer stuff. I am glad they are enjoying their commercial success, but they will do it without me.

by the scummy one

I thought it was common knowledge to use motor oil as it has a longer lifespan :0

I guess I will need to experiment with Olive Oil and Butter Spray. How would Crisco fare?? Anyone know? I know, more work as its not a spray, but it should have some longevity.

But remember, do not use bacon fat, you get zits in the wrong places :0 :^0 :^0

by oz_media

Extra virgin olive oil, my pref anyway.

More metal news, not only is Rush here this month and Maiden here next month, and Alice Cooper here in Sept., but JUDAS PRIEST is coming back AGAIN, on Jusy24th.

On other news, AC/DC have been in Vancouver recording their next album, Brian Johnson has gone back to Australia now but Malcom and Angus are still lurking in town finishing up some work for the late 08 release and 2009 WORLD TOUR!!

First studio album for AC/DC in 7 years, phew, I thought they'd never get to it.

With all teh 80's acts on tour now, I'd say it's a revlolution, just as Halford said.

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