Friday Yuk

kinda old but .... remember when.....

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Barn Technology
Submitted by: hotdog@kctera.net
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - them's the fightn' rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - what your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro

CACHE - needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - pasture muffins that you try not to step in....

TERMINAL - time to call the undertaker

CRASH - when you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - the art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - a female Disco dancer

FAX - what you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARD COPY - picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - how your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - what you did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - where the Pope lives

SCREEN - helps keep the 'skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - a red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrack's Employee of the Year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

A Song from Dennis Leary - I'm An A$$hole

Folks
I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me
About you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Or maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area
Maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon
We don't know

I'm just a regular joe
With a regular job
I'm your average white
Suburbanite slob
I like football, and porno, and books about war
I've got an average house
With a nice hardwood floor
My wife, and my job
My kids, and my car
My feet on the table
And a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
Oh no, no way, uh uhh
No, I gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow
In the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, such an a$$hole)

I use public toilets
And I pi$$ on the seat
I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?"

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's the worlds biggest a$$hole)

Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's a big f****g a$$hole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
...
NAAAHHHHH!

I'm an a$$hole
(he's an a$$hole, what an a$$hole)
I'm an a$$hole
(he's the world's biggest a$$hole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable
Hot pink!
With whale skin hub caps
An all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights
YEAH!
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby
At 115 miles per hour
Getting one mile per gallon
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why?
'Cause we got the bombs, that's why!
Two words: Nuclear Freakin' Weapons
Okay!?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the Democracy they want
They can have a big Democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienemen Square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we got the bombs
Okay!?
John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen!
And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke"
And he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be
I'm gonna get "The Duke"
And John Cassavetes
And Lee Marvin
And Sam Peckinpah
And a case of whiskey
And drive down to Texas
And-
(Hey, Hey! You know you really are an a$$hole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal?
You know, the whole time I thought I was that a$$hole
And it turns out it was him
What an a$$hole!

I'm an a$$hole and proud of it!

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

...
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said her mother.

The next day the girl again came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24"

A long time ago, there was a man named Will Rogers, and this is what he said:

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Curiosity didn't kill the cat

My cart did.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him,ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies,"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f****d a penguin, Dopey f****d a penguin!"

Political correctness strikes again.

Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal
Cranial Development.

* He does not get lost all the time; he
discovers Alternative Destinations.

* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

* He does not fart and belch; he is
Gastronomically Expressive.

* His jeans are not too tight; he is
Anatomically Undercirculated.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Neil

I was in the bathroom for an extended period and, having forgotten my PDA, took to reading the label on the twinkie paper.

It said:

"100% recycled"

and I thought "Now [b]THAT[/b] would be a nasty job!"

I got this in an email. Note the F16 comment!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice
for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
cu rse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough
time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants? Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rif le and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull
sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Be careful, you never know who is watching..

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i305/maecuff/cat.jpg

I have pictures in habitat (from people I know in S. Africa, and currently have 2 large ones (1 has reversed spirals) and 3 babys (seed grown).

Yes, it is a interesting plant. Thanks for the photo

Puking Emoticon???

Edited for Both of the last pics here!

Last week you mention that you are still a blonde, and now you are upset at 1 little comment (and I even corrected myself) :(

Oh well, being a blonde, youll likely forget by morning anyway :^0

You are officially a Scum like me!!! :D

All Hail OTR!!! The latest member of the Church of Scum!
OTR is now the High Deacon of the church. If there are any other deacons, he gets to boss them around....

When you are you soon learn that whenever anything is even perceived wrong the wife will blame you for it no matter what it is. :D

May is just reinforcing that belief here so humor her and let her think that she's right. :^0

We all know just how wrong she actually is but no one is silly enough to actually tell her. B-)

After all Shovel Stains are painful and Mae derives way too much enjoyment from swinging the Shovel. :0

Col ]:)

Stuff that for a joke make all the females eat it and get hooked on it that way there is more profit to be made. :D

Col ]:)

a Daily Show segment...the context of which was political use of euphemisms by pundits, etc. and the joyous Samantha Bee turned around one of her own, describing the editorializing as being 'like spraying perfume on dog turds.'

Now that I think about this, the show aired some time prior to 2007...

"electile dysfunction"

The inability to become excited about any of the candidates for president.

www.buzzwhack.com