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Friday Yuk

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by steffi28 4 views

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I've been away for a while and I just wanted to say hey to everyoone and as there was no yuk I thought I better create one while I'm at it!!!

Oh and I just wanted to say that I did live through that earthquake on Tuesday night just incase you were all worried about me, I was watching Desperate Housewives at the time and I thought a huge lorry went past the house!!

Oh and cos I suppose the yuk needs a joke too....

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Speak to you all soon xx

138 replies

by dawgit

Good to see you're still alive and kicking, I'm sure you'll hear from the "better half" of TR shortly. When are you going to come back the land of plenty? (that being Germany, of course :D ) -d

by steffi28

I finish my exams in May all being well graduate in July, so as long as the company still want me I should be moving in August :D

I can't wait starting to get a little depressed here, I am actually looking forward to going to work and not being in uni any longer :)

by dawgit

and it's good to see you here again. Spring is comming, that will help you out too. Are we invited to Grad ceremonies? :D -d

by shellbot

What the..who the..where the???

Where the dang heck you been??????

Hope you been well.. email me girl!!

by steffi28

Just snowed under to be honest, got eight weeks until my final year project has to be in and grrr its stressing, just starting my security and forensics coursework too so I'm fed up!!

Anyways had a spare few hours where I thought I'd say hey cos I miss all yous guys!! :)

by shellbot

well, you'll be disappoitned to know that the friday yuk has taken a turn for the worse..
hardly anyone posts in it anymore..hardly get over 40 or posts..
fridays have become boring!

better hurry up and get back to us!

by shellbot

it been pretty dismal..
seems everyones busy (including me..i hardly post much at all most days), some people took their toys and went home, and a lot of new posters who don't seem to like jokes!
Been pretty ratty on here..everyone p!ssing and moaning all the time...they forgetting how to have fun!

by steffi28

My last post was around xmas so maybe now I'm back I can brighten the place up a little!! how was everyones christmas by the way??

by steffi28

I'll have a huge drinkfest where you can all come and join me in getting drunk!! :D

I'm a bit upset about the graduation itself thought, I'm only allowed 2 tickets, which means hubby going and then I have to pick mum or dad, was hard to do that, but mum suggested taking my nan so that was a bit easier to explain to my dad, was still difficult though cos my dad has been talking about going to my graduation since I was about 12!!

by steffi28

daddy didn't pay for any of it, me and hubby paid for my uni, my dad says he's going to try to squeeze himself in by hiding behind someone else though, I think he may have a teeny problem as hes close to 25stone!

by w2ktechman

steal someone elses tickets
or
kill off someone elses parents (car accidents happen)

If neither of those work, you can always break the fence and sneak people in.

And if that is not an option -- setup some cams and record it live to your websvr. Then give the link to whomever you want to see it

Oops, posted with the wrong account...

by hal 9000

Mainly because Maximum Security Prisons have very strong Fences with guards watching the fences to prevent any breakages, and they keep tabs on Staff Members Family just in case any Foul Play was to occur placing their staff in an Untenable Position. :p

I of course was going to suggest that Steffi not attend but then realized that this wouldn't work as Females like this rubbish and think it's Impotent. :D

Also the fact that to attend the Pass Out Ceremony Steffi has to be there because as an Inmate she's got accommodation there till they want her to leave. With all the security Concerns I can fully understand why the Prison only wants a maximum of 2 People to go and it's better if fewer come. :0

Col ]:)

by steffi28

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,
but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

............................................

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously
drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm
drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple."

*******************************************

A man goes to his doctor and says, ?I don?t think my wife?s hearing isn?t as good as it used to be. What should I do??

The doctor replies, ?Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn?t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.?

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, ?What?s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, ?Honey, what?s for dinner?? She replies, ?For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!?

by dumphrey

Scottish Art

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black organ, but the one in the middle had a pink organ.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

When the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and asked:

"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

Because I'm the artist; I painted this picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

by older mycroft

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans..
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"...

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse..

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! Now f#ck off you c#nt!"

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F#cking hell are you the bird I sh#gged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar#e?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's sh#gging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

by steffi28

Non-Politically-Correct jokes are the best ones, just remember that blonde jokes are still not allowed!!! I'm still umm a member of the dim hair colour!

by dumphrey

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

Finally she asks, "what does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "it's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing".

by dumphrey

when I got to father Duffy, I was laughing so hard, well, lets just say I had to change my pants and find a dry chair.

A little old man shuffled....... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself...............slooooooowly..........painfully.......... up onto a stool.

After catching his breath.............................he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?

No," he replied, "Arthritis".

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

by dumphrey

that are single, only-child, orphans? They could then use their two tickets to your benefit. Or you could sell your tickets to someone else and take your family to Chile on vacation. Well, a really nice dinner is more likely. If you have to limit it to two, why not limit it to none and make a big wad of dosh? Here in the USofA we have graduations for everything. Pre-school, elementry school, high school, college, prison....
By the time I got to my second degree, I didn't even bother letting people know when graduation was, hell, I didn't even walk, I would of had to take time off work for that =\

by steffi28

unfortunatly all of my friends have two parents! I have been considering making one or two of them orphans and stealing their graduation tickets, but i then realised that if I did that I may miss my own graduation!

by dumphrey

Sheesh, what are they teaching you in that School? Maybe watching a few episodes of CSI would help you plan..

by jessie

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her tw4t"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

by bubba69

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

by bubba69

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

by bubba69

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your crotch?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

by the scummy one

I must be at a disadvantage, as I gave it no thought at all...

Oh well, I guess tis true, outta site, outta mind :^0

by bizzo

A woman walks into an elevator and stands next to a handsome man. After a few minutes she turns to him and says, "Can I smell your crotch?" The man looks at her in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," she replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Nope, not any funnier.

by the scummy one

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful
woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I
smell your feet?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your crotch then." :^0

by bubba69

has never been high on my list of worries. I am NOT politically correct. If someone can't take a joke, they can go stick their head in a pig.

by steffi28

Since when did offending people bother you?? I thought that was what you lived for!!

by hal 9000

No on second thoughts having 1 Yuk pulled recently is more than enough so you'll have to settle for this. :p

[b]Nothing is too difficult for Aussies...
we've mastered the computer age
and are waiting for the next big thing.....

[i]THE RURAL AUSTRALIA THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY[/i]

* Log On - Make the barbecue hotter
* Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

* Download - Get the firewood off the ute

* Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

* Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

* Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

* Window - What you shut when it's cold

* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

* Byte - What mosquitoes do

* Bit - What mosquitoes did

* Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

* Chip - A bar snack

* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

* Modem - What you did to the lawns

* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

* Mainframe - What holds the shed up

* Web - What spiders make

* Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

* Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

* Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

* Upgrade - A steep hill

* Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

* User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

* Online - When you get the laundry hung out

* Off Line - When the clothes pegs don't hold the washing up[/b]

For those who fail to understand any of this I suggest NTS for an explanation. :^0

Col ]:)

by pringles86

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

by pringles86

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

by half9

I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up in a bar all night. As she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said Audi.

She told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of a Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper.

I'd drunk a few Coronas when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay, she said you don't know what your Nissan. So I paid. I took her back to my place or HQ as I like to call it, I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.

Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy... a little Bambina

by hal 9000

May I suggest Neils Translation Service for a full explanation. Should keep Neil Busy for a long time trying to understand that lot. :^0

Col ]:)

by Member 25348569

does not explain bad puns. In addition, NITS(tm) has absolutely no idea what car models have been around in New Zealand - ever! NITS(tm) does assume that they were all Japanese as NITS(tm) was not aware that New Zealand had an auto industry!

NITS(tm) does, however, wonder what sort of a car was a "Sylvia" and who would drive one!

Neil :)

Further research conducted by our "You Drive a WHAT?" department has discovered the Nissan Sylvia. However, given that the latest Nissan in the UK is the Qashqai, I feel that I am no position to make any other suggestions than to nuke their "Department for Crap Names".

by seanferd

'Forward', or some variant of 'afford'? That's where I got stuck for a moment, but I was just being a bit thick.

by the scummy one

This is incredible!!! I do not beleive it!!! Just as we were all
struggling to live at all, our saviour returns a SECOND time!!!

All HAil Steffi!!!

:^0 :^0

by the scummy one

until accounts start going away :0

P.S. -- I dropped the Pond Scum and decided to just be
Scummy from now on.
And, since you do not know yet, I have started a religion, the
religion of SCUM... So far, I have 1 follower -- seanferd, who
is the First Apostle of Scum!!! :^0

by boxfiddler Hot topic

until you develop some consistency in your Scumminess. :D

Couldn't quite help myself there...

by w2ktechman

on the religion of Scum!!! Insolent fool!!! :^0

Sorry, couldnt resist. Been watching Stargate dvd's...

Ok, the religion Scum started when I was reading that I can become tax exempt if I were a religion, and I can do what I want!

So, the descision was made, now all I need is followers to become tax exempt :D

The entire concept is to be able to do what you want, and not take responsibility cause 'my religion made me do it'!

So, if you want to get away with things (that arent too illegal) and have a built in excuse, join Scummy! :D

by the scummy one

why this was posted in the funnies, as I didnt find it funny.

OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!

Oh wait, as the First Apostle of Scum, you are forgiven

by the scummy one

the only reading I do is in the news, tech books, or tech
sites.
Other reading is usually not to my liking.
Ok, I also read the LOTR trio and when I was much younger,
required school material.

by ontheropes

Reading them sequentially would be a great way to spend some time.

I've read hundreds of Calvin and Hobbes comics online. Some sites are set-up better than others so it's your call as to which one is best. For my daily comics fix I generally go to http://hihi.elmer.org/ and get a little bit of everything. Clicking on any comic strip there takes you to the previous weeks worth of comics so it's easy to stay "current".

by absolutely

That does not look like a fake smile. That looks more like she's trying not to die of laughter. I think she checked which side of the bus has the exhaust port.

by ontheropes

with your pleasure receptors huh? :D Cool that you didn't have to take extreme measures.