Friday Yuk

They're hiring this month.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Driving in heavy rush-hour traffic a few days ago, I had the
misfortune to rear end another car.......

...The other driver got out of his car and, I couldn't believe my
eyes... He was a DWARF!!!

...and he was REALLY upset!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Okay... then, which one ARE you?"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's
sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those
are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the
origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring
me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one
serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If
you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to
serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was
served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to
the waiter and said,

"These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied,

"Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

The Blonde's Flat Tire on the Interstate

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she
eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out
two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in
trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It
wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
"What is going on here?

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer..

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a
large snake and fell, kerplop right on his titchy little nose. "Oh please,
excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind
& can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never
seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of
animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
agreed to examine him.
When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an
animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're
cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a
Democrat."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in
today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the
domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it
looks.

Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following
(legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and
services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough
consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the
agent that represents a celebrity:
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software:
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church:
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
www.gotahoe.com

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Computer Problem #1 - A lot of hissing noise
http://www.wpusa.dynip.com/strange_things/problem1.html

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-disorderlyfan&prov=ap&type=lgns

Go Pats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, no Yuk from me. I've been too wrapped up in the serious business of keeping track of every feature story related to the NFL playoffs. Did you know that Giants tight end Kevin Boss is listed as probable for Sunday's game with an unspecified illness and that former Patriots QB Steve Grogan now runs a sports memorabilia store in Marshfield, MA.? It's still NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION!!! The NFL needs more press coverage!

A teacher was talking to her class about whales. She said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

One little girl said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Nah, Keegan's a mans' man.

And HIS wife doesn't have spherical plastic boobs.....

KK is/was a REAL football player
(ok, ok, soccer to you Yanks...! :p )

GG

]:)

laughing himself silly right now, cos he knows how much I [b] HATE [/b] football and the entire Toon Army!

:p :D

GG

Edit: can't spell whilst coughing! ('scuse me)

I made it into the office this work for a couple of days. One of my coworkers gave me a ride. It was kinda tiring to be honest, but good to get out of prison, I mean home.

But the leg isn't hurting so much. After a day at work with it slightly elevated it did swell up, but better now. Still some pain in the middle of the night. This removable cast is great. I take it off for an hour, my wife puts on the skin cream to decrease the itching, I can shower - its all good.

I hate being dependant on others. But thats me.

James

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

P.S -- I know, I know, I was just messing with ya

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force
speaking to the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different
parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed
them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to
the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come
from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat
made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me
to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the
only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based
intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for
several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you
have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the
way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made
out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking.
The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat.
The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been
trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their
years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore
the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and
information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by
radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of
thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You
know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk
by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by
squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do
you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any
and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without
prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase
the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make
contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.
How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we
dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat
containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, theyonly
travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of
light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact
pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the
ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed?
You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their
heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to
them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be
meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any
others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence
in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic
rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
universe would be if one were all alone."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer,
and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by
this redneck game warden who asks to see his hunting license. The
hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave, when the
game warden says,

"Not so fast, boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The game warden reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's
butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The game warden gets
angry and says,

"Wait a minute boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer. This
here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting
License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on
you boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in
Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet and pulls
out a Virginia Hunting License. The game warden looks at the
valid license and says disappointedly,

"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy
writing up boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you
look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of
here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another
deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped
by the same game warden who says,

"Just a minute boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down,
sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his
finger and says,

"Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South
Carolina Hunting License?"

The hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the
truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the
game warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter
shoots a deer; one each from Georgia, Tennessee, and West
Virginia. Each time the game warden stops to do the finger test,
and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.
Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is
furious.

"Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the South!
Where the Hell you from anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over, and says, "You tell me!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time
of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into
an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the
sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-
mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt
and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets
off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the
island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

Go Fly A Kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks
solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking
how caring and sensitive her husband is.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. " Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved
that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would
have gotten out today."