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Friday Yuk

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by rob mekel 1 view

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Okay then lets start last Friday Yuk before Christmas :)

_________________________________

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

- - - - - - - - - - -

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!' "

- - - - - - - - - - -

[b]Have a very Merry Christmas, a damn good so long to the old year and a Fantastic in Good Health and Prosperity NEW YEAR[/b]

Rob

[i]damn can't edit right[/i]

70 replies

by Member 25348569

Cat's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cos Tig's cat had got him
And torn him apart
Ate his intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Minou heard sleighbells,
Which made her take pause -
She stopped daintily licking
The blood from her claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Minou
(A quite clever cat)
'Cos nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Minou thought with a purr,
Then she coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur!

(Anon)

Merry F*cking Christmas!

Neil

Edited the cat's sex because it would seem that I got it wrong. I don't do "wrong"!

by Member 25348569

[b]Le[/b] Minou is the French for pussycat!

Not my fault that you've given a girl cat the wrong name!

(No sound at work, I'll check your link at home)

Neil :D

by the scummy one

I liked that. In fact, I bought one last year and gave it out at a white elephant gift party!

Always good for a few grins.

This year at the party, I got a Santa dressed as a hillbilly, that sings 1 verse of a christmas song (complete with Yeee-Ha's and Yahoooo's in the background). Love it!

by lindamarie

that I'm glad I did not get mixed up in any white elephant gift parties - especially one that you participated in? ;-)

by gadgetgirl

Well, you?d expect no less of me, would you?! :p

I?ll post this bit on Bizzo?s Merry Christmas thread, too, but needed to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hannukah, in fact, have a bloody good time, whatever your politically correct term is for it!

I hope you all get what you want for Christmas ( yeah, there I go again?? :D ) and have a safe and warm one. I hope 2008 brings you peace, prosperity and further to your lifes? goals.

My pressie arrived yesterday. I am now the proud owner of a new (to me!) laptop which may stop me ripping my hair out by the roots every time I try to get online! (Bargain too: 1/3rd of usual price as it?s ex demo?. Still with a years warranty, also?)

I?ll be online and Skype-able all over the holidays ? including Christmas Day! ? so if you don?t have my Skype details already, pm me, and you?ll get ?em! Would be nice to wish some of you compliments of the season ?in person? as it were! It would be a lovely test of my new superduperhyper DUAL CORE lappie, too?? ;)

So, my Christmas Naughty Yuk input starts here. I?m now off to look for Christmas Naughty Yuk with Squirty Cream jokes?.. just to be inkeeping with my usual reputation, y?unnerstand?.. ;\

Assorted X-mas One-Liners
1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
10.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
11. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
13. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
________________________________________
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
________________________________________
The Top 15 Reindeer Games
? 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
? 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
? 13> Spin the Salt Lick
? 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
? 11> Moose or Dare
? 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
? 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
? 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
? 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
? 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
? 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
? 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
? 3> Elf Tossing
? 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
? 1> The "Rudolph the Sh!tfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

[b] MERRY CHRISTMAS! [/b]

:x

GG

by ganyssa

and I can't even explain it, because no one here has a sense of humor.

Thanks, GG. And Merry Christmas, all!

by the scummy one

thought about breaking a guy's balls.
A christmas tree doesnt get mad cause it's ORNAMENTAL and not really ATTACHED.

Ok, the tree wins on the other items though. Have fun with your satisfactory tree :0
And don't forget to get some squirty cream for it (a frosted look)... LOL

Some of those games are just totally wrong.

Elf Tossing -- only fun for females
Hide the sausage with Vixen -- only for kiwi's
Moose or Dare -- I dont wanna know
sniff the tail on the donkey -- really too much info!

Merry Christmas :x

by absolutely

[b]Reasons why a Christmas Tree is [u]not[/u] better than a man[/b]
1. It really [u]never[/u] remembers your birthday.
2. It really [u]never[/u] holds the door for you -- there is no "any more" about it.
3. It really [u]never[/u] picks up the check.
4. It does not care how your day was.
5. It does not listen to you.
6. It really [u]never[/u] does the "little things."
7. It really makes no effort to respect you, treat you as an equal, and ... that other stuff, I don't remember exactly what you said, 6 minutes elapsed, so supposedly, I was thinking about sex.

by shellbot

I don't have a yuk to share yet, but I just wanted to say to everyone:

Have a great Christmas and Best Wishes for the New Year!!

I've been out of touch the past few weeks, but hopefully over xmas I can catch up on all the posts I've been missing and put my two cents in.

Take it easy guys and hopefully some of you are on TR next week, we'll get soemthing controversial going ya?? I need a good dose of laughter! :)

Love to you all

Shell

by shellbot

I think its going good. Kinda did the dear in headlights thing for the first day or two..and panicked...thought i did the wrong thing..but now i think it was a good move and it could get very interesting. I've been a wee bit bored cause i've been doing the boring work but it was a bit awkward starting to close to xmas and once we back from break i'll say i'll be dumped in head first.

so ya, the guys in my section of the office are really nice, seem to get on ok with them.

so ya, its all good...

*doh* just found the Merry Christmas thread..guess shoul dhave posted my greeting there huh?

Ah feck it..i'm not one to conform anyways..d@mn conformists :)

by jdclyde

But we will get over it... eventually.... ;\

Merry Christmas Shell!

And to everyone else, Happy/Merry whatever it is you believe in!

by shellbot

i don't hijack a discussion..i just....
eh..
add my own bits and peices to it!! :)

keeps it interesting!

oh man 1.5 hours to go...in the new job we don't get off early in fridays, and this one is dragging on and on and on!

I've eating and drinking to do..and what am i doing? Scrutinizing DTS packages... woopee :)

I couldn't take it any longer..jsut had to log into TR..if i get in trouble..so be it!!

Hey JD, what did ya take to the office for a healthy snack then?

by dmambo

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno.......never found the head."

by dmambo

Better make that the 27th. Boxing Day sucks, too.

After that, I'll be so pure, it'll make you puke!!!

by jdclyde

He backs up into a hot babe (with his car).

"Quick! Help me get her inside while she is still poseable!"

:0

by maecuff

Q: What?s 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: The conga line at a nursing home.

Q: What do you get when you mix Ex-Lax with holy water?
A: A religious movement.

Q: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes?

by rob mekel

Wow as of 1st of december ... good to hear all is okay :)

You know it's good to start with a few weeks at the new job have a short break and then dive in head first. As long as the water is deep enough to dive in ;)
[i]I'm wondering ... imagen ... Shellbot as dear with headlights ... where are the lights tied up to and more where are they pointing at :0 ;) [/i]

Never thought you were one of the conformistssss ;) :^0
Will send you a peer to clear up more about conforming ;)

Good to see you're back on :x

Rob

by naughtymonkey

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph?s Honker!

7. Santa?s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it?s really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can?t tell if they?re artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

by naughtymonkey

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt sh**ty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of a$$.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big d**k
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat f***er fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d**k for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a b***h blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

by naughtymonkey

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs
up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the
woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

by naughtymonkey

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

by naughtymonkey

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put
the hurt on you!"

2. Labels on all your kid's toys and clothes read "Straight from the trash
heap to you"

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

by naughtymonkey

1. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."

2. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."

3. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."

4. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"

5. "Buy you a Zima?"

6. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."

7. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."

8. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"

9. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded
cowboy of love!"

10. "I've got an elf in my pants!"

by naughtymonkey

Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?

We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle.

Hey babe, I'm free on Christmas Eve.

Not everything about me is tiny!

I'm not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.

Just because a guy wears tights and pointy slippers doesn't mean
he's gay.

I taught Santa everything he knows.

I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.

Nice view from down here!

I used to be a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt.

You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there.

Why, yes, I AM George Stephanopoulos.

I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight.

I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.

You know what they say about guys with big ears.

I can get you off the naughty list!

by tig2

Cajun for Kitty.

We have three cats- his, mine, and ours. His cat is named Kitty. She's a shelter rescue and about 15 years old. Minou is my cat (named Kitty in another language) also a shelter rescue and is about 5. Callie- the calico (you had to be way ahead of me on that one!) was abandoned on my doorstep about 2.5 years ago. She is OUR cat.

I think that there is a different pronunciation in Cajun- MEE-new.

Please note that two reasonably intelligent people with reasonable imagination managed to name three different cats "Kitty".

by nicknielsen

when I was stationed at Edwards AFB in the Mojave Desert. After about three months, I figured out his name: Herod Machiavelli Torquemada.

You can probably guess how he was to live with......

Edit: "Torq" for short

by naughtymonkey

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are:

"Peace on Earth",
"Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."

by naughtymonkey

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the
people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.

Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody else can tear it off.

This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter
of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,
I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a
deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping
paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am
done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking
pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having
babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when
the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how
to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with
an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

by the scummy one

Dont use PAPER wrap. This will rip when you are almost finished.

For each DVD, CD, or small item, it is easy to wrap with only HALF of a 75 sq. foot roll. But this requires the use of scissors (or a razor knife).

For larger presents, it is OK to use multiple different rolls of wrapping paper.

When using multiple different rolls of paper, or left over strips, make sure that each type is visible from the outside. This will show that you thought about the wrapping job and gives extra +++'s for the person opening it.

Get a box of aluminum foil, not the rolls, but the already cut sheets. Tape each one on, use several layers.

For small gifts, it IS possible to use a foodsaver to vacuum seal your wrapping job, to make it look better. -- Finally a use for this thing.

by dadspad

You believe in Santa Claus
You don't believe in Santa Claus
You are Santa Claus

Merry Christmas, Happy Hollidays, or just plain ole have a good time. :D

by jdclyde

A double chocolate cake! ]:)

There was just too many people chastising me for caving in to the "healthy" crap, and I gave in to the peer pressure. :0 It was all so traumatic, so I figured I needed some chocolate! :D

We stop at 3 today and have the "party" until our normal time to leave. Hope the boss gets better beer than last year! B-)

by jdclyde

I would swear your post sounded almost [b]hopeful?[/b]

Sorry, but no thanks. I like girls....

by tig2

You seem to say that an awful lot!

Merry Christmas to you and the boys!

by jdclyde

no, that is not the boys she was referring to. [i]or at least I don't THINK that was what she meant...... things that make you go hmmmmmmm

:D

by tig2

It drops needles everywhere.
The cat always wants to climb it- and sometimes succeeds!
It will not carry on a conversation
It requires constant care.
It is lousy at keeping you warm at night- unless it's on fire!
It will never hold you when you need to be held.

And besides, who in their right mind wants to get laid by a tree?!?

by hal 9000

Answer Obviously any One who has owned a Mac for longer than 3 months. They don't have a Life so after that time has elapsed they are [b]Desperate.[/b] :p

OH they also Believe what they heard that [b]Owning a Mac would get them Laid[/b] and as it is yet to happen well I will not say any more. Beth Scares me way too much to go any further. ;)

Col ]:)

by tig2

And they get you laid.

What can I say? It's working for me. Even got me some blog time here on TR.

Merry Christmas, Col! Peace and joy in the New Year!

by nicknielsen

descended from Torq... :^0

I lost two Pentax lenses to that cat, one of them my 1000mm airplane shooting lens. If I could have caught him when I found it, he'd have been down to about 5 lives.

I still can't figure out how he got it out of the latched case...
Edit: can't spell airpalne

by the scummy one

Reasons why a Christmas Tree is not better than a man
1. It really never remembers your birthday.
(neither do I, nor do I remember 'special' dates. give me warnings a week beforehand)

2. It really never holds the door for you -- there is no "any more" about it.
(True)

3. It really never picks up the check.
(True)

4. It does not care how your day was.
(Depending on the woman, I may not care. Also note, it depends on what I am doing at the moment)

5. It does not listen to you.
(Depends on how often the mouth is moving)

6. It really never does the "little things."
(True)

7. It really makes no effort to respect you, treat you as an equal, and ... that other stuff, I don't remember exactly what you said, 6 minutes elapsed, so supposedly, I was thinking about sex. (True, I would have forgotten, but I copied your post to remind me. I thought about sex several times typing this).

by hal 9000

As Depraved and Debauched as the [b]Worst of the Impure Brigade[/b] right? :0

God DM has been lead astray by GG and there is now no hope for him. The Poor Boy. ;\

Let me guess you went to one of GG's Christmas Parties right? You know the ones where the males get Blow Up Dolls and the Women get strange things that require Batteries and Buzz when turned on. ?:|

At least after last week I now know what the Blow Up Dolls are for. You blow them up with Helium and strap them in the Front Passenger Seat of the car as you drive home. I saw one of these trying to [b]Smoke[/b] one of those noisy things that the women got but it just kept moving across the floor all night. I wonder what it was for. :8}

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

A recent Study on Mens Health has come up a Foolproof Radical New Treatment. :0

Read the conclusions below for a full treatment. :p

Male Therapy

Staring at women breasts is good for the health of the men and increases your life expectancy. It was what revealed a study carried out by a group of German scientists.

They discovered that staring for 10 minutes a day the breasts of a woman, is as beneficial as a good half an hour of exercises.

This study was carried out for 5 years in a group of 200 men. It showed that all men that saw the breasts for 10 minutes in a daily basis, suffer less cardio-vascular pains, and they had less hypertension than the ones that did not look at breasts every day.

Dr. Karen Weatherby, whom directed the studies, affirmed that: The sexual arousal enlarges the heart frequency and benefits the circulation.

She also said: ?I think that with daily practice, men can increase their life expectancy in at least 5 years.

As a modern man you should be worried
about your health?..

So what do you say?

?are you ready to start therapy? :x

[b]Have a great Time in whatever you do over the Upcoming Holidays.[/b] :0

Col

by the scummy one

I heard it as when men and women have sex several times a day, they dont need to workout. And the kinkier the sex, the better the workout for both parties.
And it's supposed to save lives and reduce the amount of headaches someone gets.

The drawbacks
Men do better after changing partners more frequently than women....
Hmmm.

Now I need a line of women at my door.

(peeking through window), damn, still not here. Hurry up all!

by older mycroft

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

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So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

by oh smeg

It's so bad that I'll have to tell Beth about your [b]Antisocial SICK Joke[/b] here. I don't know just how many will be offended by it. :0

[b]OH BTW[/b] I don't like [b]Fanatical, Fringe, Wacko, Zealot Christians[/b] either as this one with so many children is obviously a [b]Catholic[/b] I would suggest that you not only take the money but everything else as well and sell the kid off for Medical Experimentation. :D

Col ]:)

by absolutely

I know it's a joke, but I still want to beat you within a half inch of your life, drag what's left of you over to that poor boy, and make you give back the hundred you stole, plus a hundred from your pocket, plus any toys you might have bought that day.

Merry g*ddam Christmas.

by hal 9000

Buy caring a Mac as you walk down the street is an open Invitation to .................

Surely that is [b]Rape[/b] isn't it? :p

Well I suppose to each their own if you like that kind of thing. :0

Have a Merry Christmas Tig and be Medical Practitioners free the rest of your life.

Col
What can I say [b]The Devil Made Me do it![/b]

by the scummy one

Oh, I suppose you meant to ask Santa for a line of women at my door. Ok, that makes sense.
I will start wishing now! hmmm. Black leather, crotchless -- Oops.. Not supposed to type that!

by boxfiddler

Santa on Cross Protests Commercialism
Email this Story

Dec 22, 3:54 PM (ET)

BREMERTON, Wash. (AP) - Art Conrad has an issue with the commercialism of Christmas, and his protest has gone way beyond just shunning the malls or turning off his television. The Bremerton resident nailed Santa Claus to a 15-foot crucifix in front of his house.

"Santa has been perverted from who he started out to be," Conrad said. "Now he's the person being used by corporations to get us to buy more stuff."

A photo of the crucified Santa adorns his Christmas cards, with the message "Santa died for your MasterCard."

The display is also Conrad's way of poking fun at political correctness. He believes people don't express their feelings because they're afraid of what other people might think.

His neighbors found the will to express their feelings this past week. Some were offended but many were just curious.

Jake Tally walked by on Friday and chuckled, but didn't pretend to understand the message.

"I don't really know what to think. I know it's about God but Santa has nothing to do with it," he told the Kitsap Sun newspaper.

http://apnews.myway.com//article/20071222/D8TMNKC00.html

by the scummy one

the link to have a pic of the crucified Santa... :(

Oh Well

Hey, does this message mean that Santa is Gods son??
And instead of dying for sins, he is dying for your shopping convenience??
Hmmm, and furthermore, Will Santa be resurrected???
If so, will we have a NEW HOLIDAY????
Yes, Christmas, New Years, and '???' day.

by boxfiddler

Will Santa be resurrected in 3 days, or will we have to wait until Easter, or even the following Christmas?
Do all the elves and the rest of the magical North Pole kingdom run in fear for their lives, or do they just disappear with Santa's last gasp for air?
What does one call an Easter that celebrates Santa's resurrection?

Guy hit the nail on the head with that display though. Unless I am mistaken, Santa and Father Christmas were at one time one and the same person and based on the legend of St. Nicholaus, who was further based in rumors of an anonymous individual who crept about in the night distributing things to the needy.

by absolutely

[i]A photo of the crucified Santa adorns his Christmas cards, with the message "Santa [b]died[/b] for your MasterCard."

The display is also Conrad's way of poking fun at political correctness. He believes people don't express their feelings because they're afraid of what other people might think.

His neighbors found the will to express their feelings this past week. Some were offended but many were just curious.

Jake Tally walked by on Friday and [b]chuckled, but didn't pretend to understand[/b] the message.

"I don't really know what to think. I know it's about God but Santa has nothing to do with it," he told the Kitsap Sun newspaper.[/i]

If I understand his intent clearly -- and I believe I do -- it would have been captured better as "MasterCard killed Santa to send you a larger bill."

by the scummy one

he got tagged by MC the same as me. They kept tagging on extra 'late' fees for paying on time, and it added up to where he couldnt afford Christmas gifts, so he killed Santa and blamed MC....

Hmmm. more to ponder now!

Merry Christmas

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