After Hours

Ask something
Discussion Locked

Friday YUK

0 helpful
55 replies

by techierob 1 view

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

Bit of an Impure one for today

**************************************************

What's the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian Kiss?

No difference really, except the Australian Kiss is given 'down under'

**************************************************

A man goes into the pub and orders a beer. The bar is empty and he is left to enjoy the beer himself. From nowhere he hears a small voice, "Mate, your looking well - that exercise is doing wonders". Shocked, the man looks around but cannot see anyone else there. He takes a nervous sip from his beer and he hears the voice again "Mate, that shirt looks real smart on you. If any chicks were here they'd be all over you" The guy looks around again but cannot see anyone. Finishing his beer, he needs to go to the loo, but as he heads over he hears another voice "God, you're a loser". He looks around but the pub is empty. He goes to the loo and comes back out and hears it again "You're worthless mate, utterly useless"

He heads back to the bar and takes a seat, feeling a little sad from the last insults, he orders another beer. "Hey bartender" he says "Can you tell me that why I am over hear, I hear a voice saying all these nice things about me, but when I go over to the loo I get insulted?"

"Thats easy he said"

"See these beer nuts here; they're complimentary. That cigarette machine near the toilets is out of order"

**************************************************

55 replies

by bubba69

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

by bubba69

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

by oz_media

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

by jaqui

common Unix commands:

* talk, date, join, head, tail, split
* unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: Eight something!

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

Q. Why are all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A. Because it is below C level.

by oz_media

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is afro american"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was afro american."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this gorgeous Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank God for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bugger was going to bark!"

by bubba69

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

by bubba69

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud splat!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

by oz_media

Bubba, if you were to go camping and wake up to find your 'end' in excrutiating pain, realizing you had been "taken" during the night, would you tell anyone??

by nicknielsen

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Italy so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle ...

by bubba69

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

by bubba69

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the butt. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

by bubba69

What's the difference between anxiety and panic?

- anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.

- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

by bubba69

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya have sex with ONE goat . . . "

by oz_media

A Scot was walking hiskid through the sheep fields one day when he noticed a sheep with it's head stuckin the fence, crying baaaa, baaaaa.
As the little boy was trying to pull the sheep free, the Scotsman said, "Wait Laddie, I got a wee trick ta show ye."

With that said, the old Soctsman lifted his kilt and began to sodomize the sheep. When he was tired and done, he smiled broadly at his son and said, now it's your turn, lad.

So with that the boy kneeled down and stuck his head through the fence and cried Baaaa baaaaa!

by oz_media

If the answer is no, "Do you want to go camping?"

If the answer is yes, then it's "Remind me not to invite you camping"

by bubba69

Whatever you heard... and there was no tequilla involved, either. And there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the plastic tubing, industrial grade lubricant and the yak.

by hal 9000

NO IT DOESN'T Mae it;s not a Yuk in any sense of the word and highly offencive to the Engineers like me here. :p

Actually I got a good laugh out of that mainly because it's so right. Now back to Cheeh & Chong's Big Brave Motorcyclist. :^0

Col

by dadspad

I get this message:

This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by a third party.

Any other way I can see it?

by tig2

Check the videos here. It should be under Geekend. It showed up on the front door a couple of days ago.

by techexec2

.
I understand that some of you are confused by the language Microsoft uses. Well, you are not alone. And, I'm here to help.

It's true. Microsoft DOES speak in code. But, if you understand the code, you can still understand what Microsoft is trying to say. So, as a public service, I offer the "Microsoft Communication Translation Table":

[b]MICROSOFT COMMUNICATION TRANSLATION TABLE[/b]

[b]The WGA activation servers had a problem but it was quickly corrected and there was no outage.[/b]

Translation: The WGA activation servers malfunctioned because buggy software was installed on them, and there was a sustained outage for 20 hours, and thousands of customers around the globe were denied activation, and were falsely accused of piracy and of not running "genuine" Microsoft software.

[b]The early October 2007 PDC is "postponed"[/b]

Translation: The early October 2007 PDC is cancelled and rescheduled for late October 2008.

[b]We want OOXML to be an open standard[/b]

Translation: We want OOXML to be accepted by everyone as a standard. But, we cannot promise we won't change our products so they don't conform to the standard and we cannot promise our applications will work with the standard if it changes in the future. But, like we said, we want OOXML to be accepted by everyone as an open standard.

[b]"Vista Capable" PC[/b]

Translation: The computer won't run Vista with Aero, the principal reason you were interested in buying a Vista PC in the first place.

[b]"Vista Ready" PC[/b]

Translation: A computer that is much more capable than a "Vista Capable" PC.

[b]Vista requires at least an 800 MHz processor and 512 MB of RAM[/b]

Translation: Vista requires at least a 2 GHz dual-core processor, 2 GB of RAM, and a fast video-game quality video card with at least 128 MB of VRAM.

[b]"Vista is Ready Today"[/b]

Translation: Please don't wait for SP1! Wall Street is watching us!

[b]Vista is the best version of Windows we have ever created[/b]

Translation: Vista won't run a lot of your Windows-compatible software well or at all. Vista will not work well or at all with a lot of your Windows-compatible hardware and peripherals. Vista generally runs slower on a 1GB PC than Windows XP does. Oh yeah: Vista is really pretty (oooh! ahhh!).

[b]Beta 1 Release[/b]

Translation: Clean compile.

[b]Release Candidate 2[/b]

Translation: Alpha release.

[b]"Gold Code" GA release[/b]

Translation: Beta release.

[b]Service Pack 2 Release[/b]

Translation: GA release.

[b]Windows Genuine Advantage[/b]

Translation: A really stupid new system where paying customers are put to work for free helping Microsoft defeat the pirates and make more billions of dollars.

[b]Reduced functionality mode[/b]

Translation: Kill switch.

[b]We are not raising the price of Windows[/b]

Translation: The street price of a Windows 95 at launch was $89 and the street price of Windows Vista Ultimate at launch was $279.

[b]Windows is not a monopoly[/b]

Translation: Windows [u]only[/u] runs on about 90% of computers globally. Microsoft [u]only[/u] gets about 70% of all software revenue and profits globally.

[b]The DOJ remedy has corrected the monopoly abuse problem[/b]

Translation: Microsoft's dominance over the software industry has been severely restrained. Annual revenue only grew from $28.4B to $51.1B between 2002 and 2007.

[b]Microsoft will keep its software development inside the United States[/b]

Translation: Microsoft is opening up large development centers in India, China, and Canada and will employ thousands of engineers there.

[b]There is a shortage of software engineers in America[/b]

Translation: We want more inexpensive H-1B visa workers.

[b]Microsoft/Novell Windows-Linux interoperability cooperation agreement[/b]

Translation: Novell agrees that Linux has infringed on 235 unspecified Microsoft patents.

[b]Microsoft/Novell Windows-Linux Interoperability Lab[/b]

Translation: A small 2500 square foot office in Cambridge, Massachusetts that Microsoft uses as "Siberia" to send four condemned Softies each winter. The first crew will be the brainiacs who thought up "reduced functionality mode".

[b]Silverlight is the cross-platform and cross browser plugin that lights up the web[/b]

Translation: Silverlight runs best on Windows, a little on Mac OS X, and it won't run at all on Linux or Unix. And, it means Microsoft is setting up Novell to develop Moonlight all on its own without any Silverlight code. When it doesn't work well, Microsoft will cite it as another example of where Linux is not a good operating system and customers should stick with Windows.

[b]Plays For Sure[/b]

Translation: A new digital music service that will not "play at all" on Microsoft's premiere Zune music player.

[b]Your potential. Our passion.[/b]

Translation: Your money. Our passion.

I hope this translation table helps you communicate better with Microsoft. ;-)

by Former member

You have Exceptional translation skills. Rates a solid 10 on the chuckle-meter. Nicely Done. :)

by tig2

That you have way too much time on your hands!

Cute site. I'll have to pass that one on...

by the scummy one

I stayed at a department party for 5 hours yesterday, and all I wanted to do was leave... well mostly. I had an interesting chat with an IP attorney, and a few other interesting chats. But mostly, I just wanted to go.
But my manager tricked me into setting up a notebook beforehand, and playing a video until the party slowed down enough where I could easily snatch everything up and get out before they noticed that I took it all down... Whew, a close one. I almost had to stay for at least another hour.

So, I get home and could not sleep, so I played Burnout on the 360. Next thing I know its 1:am, and I gotta go off site this morning...
now I am too tired to think cause there seems to be no problems (being reported right now, but they will likely flood me at 4:30).

by jaqui

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him
in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster
than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK,
then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't
your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.

by shellbot

I'm an Amiga ? WTF is that?
Hubby says its and "old" thing...I'm not feeling so good about that right now!!

(i'd have rather been Windows ME!!)

First day of new job tomorrow, I'll keep my head down for a few days before I try to start running the place the way i like it!

by jaqui

for the record:
os2/warp is what I got.
[ which was Wed Jul 27, 2005 or therabouts ]:) ]

by jaqui

free membership on the "dating" site needed to get the results. :(

Pathetic pervert test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15445257042651188278

Sex Feind test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=315973567082496354

Slut test:

http://www.okcupid.com/slut

Sexual Style Test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=13030039429336430561

the T&A&C test: [ T|TS A$$ CUTENESS ]
[ also a version to check guys out instead of girls ]

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15912893200295081418

The KINKY test:

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=15304915120826511247

My results, in order of the tests:

The Sinner
Wow, interesting! You scored53
Tisk! Tisk! Tisk! You must be ashamed of yourself. I would have to say that you definately chat naked, and if not. I'm sure you have a grand old time watching others chat naked. That's repulsive. I'll see you on Americas Most Wanted! You can't run forever!

The Sex-Fiend
You scored 41 out 45 experience and 39 out of 45 adventurousness!
You are the unprecedented. There's nothing you haven't tried, and nothing you wouldn't try again. Sex is your life. You revel in sex, and love rubbing people's faces in it. It's cool - you enjoy your sexuality to its maximum!

The Results ARE IN! You are:

81% Slut

Your above score was normalized against the average, so don't even TRY to disagree with us. Science is certain, and so are we: you are absolutely 81% Slutty.

TYPE P
You scored 91 imagination, 91 confidence, 62 dominance, and 79 generosity!
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give. This means that: You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover. You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it! You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do! WE SUGGEST YOU: get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Curvy and Cute
Raw score: 48% Big Breasts, 59% Big Ass, and 68% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to larger breasts, larger asses, and cuter composures than others who've taken the test.

Note that you like women overall curvier than average.

My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your higher than average score suggests you appreciate a cuter, nicer look. Kudos!

Kinky bastard!
Grats! You're 80% kinky!
Well well well, you kinky bastard! Most likely you're into some weird ****, which is always great. Consider mailing the author of this test, and keep up the good work ;)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 84% on kinkpoints

now, does anything about my results suprise anyone here?

by jaqui

rom a guy who bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their
anniversary.

Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

To make a long story short, I bought the device and took it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! ZAP

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burned spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries. right?!?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in the other. The directions indicated that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side, as to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

(bleep, expletive, bleep) _!@$$!%!@*_

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body- slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BUCK, that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up and get there???

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.

Still in shock,

by w2ktechman

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells
Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the
instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors
and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs
and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is
so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a
New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

This discussion is closed to new replies.