After Hours
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his Mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, The man turns to his wife and asks,"Who's driving this car...you or your mother?"
by stangg
It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
by stangg
A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5."
The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5."
A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did.
She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................
"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."
by stangg
Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sarah replied, "No...salty
Subject: The Future of Nursery Rhymes
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you d!ckhead.'
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
by shellbot
The Cat and The Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
by shellbot
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
by inkling
Nowhere near as funny as yours, but quite embarrassing.
In the Marine Corps, they have contests for meritorious promotions. You have to have your crap together to even get nominated to compete for it, especially at the command I was at because they only have a quota for one meritorious promotion, per year.
I spent at [b]least[/b] 80 hours preparing my uniforms, studying Marine Corps history, etc.
The morning the competition was to start, I was running late. As I was running around the house, I turn the corner to head into the bathroom and my wife's cat pounces on me and attacks my ankles.
I trip and hit the corner of the bathtub head first. I woke up, a few minutes later, to the cat licking my ear.
I wound up with a concussion (my fifth in my life), missed the competition and even the company commander made fun of me about it months later as he promoted me to the rank I was going for in that competition.
by jdclyde
As a victim of such an attack, I can say it is no laughing matter.
yes, there was blood. unfortunately, mine. :0
by lindamarie
Hey,
Sorry I'm late! Feeling a little under the weather.
Here is another funny commercial!
http://www.helpdesknotes.com/2007/11/funny_office_commercial_its_fr.html
Linda Marie
by ontheropes
by gadgetgirl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekgPKovkE_w&feature=related
which, in turn, brought about this goody from Friday nights' Children In Need
(for the US - UK's largest telethon/extravaganza/charity television annual event to raise money for UK kids in need)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrR7UqrTAA8
Fab.
GG
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by dadspad
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was
Questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"
Asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
Loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
Driving down the road...."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying
To establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
Told the G?rda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
The accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
Said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
Favourite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
Just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
Driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
Through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was
Thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
Hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
In terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and
Groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
Condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
And said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the F*ck would you say?"
by daveo2000
by jdclyde
the year of my divorce that was my helloween costume. covered in blood, carrying a severed head.
When I got to the party, everyone was asking where the ex was, and I would hold up the head and say "right here" and walk away.
that way how I broke the news to my friends. B-)
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by techexec2
.
You might be bored, but you've definitely got the GIMP bug! Very cool! Thanks!
I set my avatar to it. But, it appears that the resizing done by TR is breaking the animation. I'll see if I can resize it so the animation works at the smaller size.
by ontheropes
by w2ktechman
by w2ktechman
I thought it was funny when it first went around.
It was a photo of damages to Tx after the hurricane scare came and passed. At least thats how it went out the first time I saw it!
by ontheropes
by jessie
by w2ktechman
good catch... I had to look again to see what you were talking about.
How bout erect to 10' ???
LOL
by techexec2
.
Thanks for doing this. I've updated my avatar and it works great!
You know... You might consider a career as the "Burt Monroe" of The GIMP.
by ontheropes
He was pretty amazing. Would've been fun to be his neighbor. "Hey. Now what're you doing?"
I definitely have fun with The GIMP. Beats the hell out of Solitaire.
Right now I'm learning how to put pictures and video together in the same clip and set them to music. A friend put that thought into my head.
He brought his Windoze computer over here for me to fix so that he can make clips. (Had a ton of registry errors. Not hard to fix really.) He's looking to upgrade so that everything goes faster. I recommended that he look to a Mac Pro but he might not be able to afford it. He's going to be getting married and they've got the whole wedding thing to pay for.
My friend, John, (used to be my boss a couple of years ago) would "do" wedding videos on the weekends. His biggest claim to fame is that he "did" Miss Michigan's wedding in Monroe a few years back. Today he claims that there is quite a market for DVD's with stills and video for graduations and weddings. People would love to watch their special events on TV. I can see it. Mail 'em out to people as a remembrance, etc.
I'm in better shape to create something like that than he is so you never know. Maybe extra income. He says that video compilations burned to DVD will sell for $450.00.
I could sell compilations for much less than that. It's not like I'm working my ass off here anyway.
So, I am looking into making special DVD's and working on it.
My biggest hurdle so far is that I have to learn how to strip sound from a video clip. I have trial software that combines video clips and still shots. The problem is that the sound on an included clip comes thru the soundtrack that I want to use. I think I explained that right. I also need conversion software. I'll get it all figured out.
I'm looking to see if there's better software for doing what I want. Hopefully free but I'll buy something when I find what I need. If I can keep it under $100.00 I won't whine too much. Windows Movie Maker definitely won't cut it for me. 
We, my wife and I, have made money using The GIMP. She sells tote bags with logo's and URL's ironed on them. People at one website where she has a store pay us for me to create a logo for them. That's fun to do. Every once in awhile I'll have 3 or 4 orders waiting for me when I log onto my email in the morning. The more the merrier.
We have a 24 hour turn-around time and haven't ever taken that long to get something out for approval. The totes are usually ready to ship next day as long as we hear back from the customer in time.
Kind of cool to be making money with free software. Long live The GIMP.
Now if you'd just allow other members of TR to contact you something like this post could be clogging up your in-box instead of being posted here for all of the world to see. As far as anyone being able to contact you just think of all of the great flames from Microsoft fanboys that you're missing out on. Remember, as long as you never answer a peermail no one will have your email address. It would be fun to read some of the best flames you'd get. Post 'em all and we could have a Hall of Flame contest.
That's it. I'm outta' here for now.
Peace
Oscar
by techexec2
.
I meant Bert Monroy, of Photoshop fame:
Bert Monroy
http://www.bertmonroy.com/
by ontheropes
by ontheropes
by w2ktechman
by michael jay
The Best Living Will I've Seen
I, _____ _____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
by lindamarie
by michael jay
a little peanut butter on the chocolate.
Did I mention chocolate?
by daveo2000
This is a little scarey...
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
by nicknielsen
by dadspad
by michael jay
by dadspad
was supposet to be a funny comment. Guess I just wasn't funny that day. :(
No offense meant and no appology necessary.
by ontheropes
by rjkirk_50
During a consulting assignment a few years ago I was asked to participate in the review for a Compliance application. The application was designed to be used by employees to make sure they were not taking gifts from clients...
When we got to one screen I took a quick look and started laughing. When I finally stopped I asked the other participants if I could get involved in the entertaining that was going on...
One question in the application asked the user to indicate if any of the following had resulted from the entertainment they had attended. The choices were:
Lodging
Airfare
Children
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