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Friday Yuk

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by dmambo

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

This is a pretty lame joke, but since there's no Yuk yet, I'll let 'er rip. (Man, disappear for a while and the place goes to hell!)

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper in here either."

139 replies

by critch

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

by older mycroft

....so here goes!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything
right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f ......g
widow.

by dadspad

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

by dadspad

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None." replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

by dadspad

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know schit?"

by gsg

OK, all I can picture is the mess. I thank you SO MUCH for putting that picture in my head.

by critch

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad through out the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh|t?"

I still don't know if she was joking.

by critch

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Presidential airplane."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
George is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped.
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning...

by critch

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings.

by dadspad

A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

by dadspad

Little Johnny - not well-prepared - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed, "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

by dadspad

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."

The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks."

"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen?. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking?"

by critch

I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!

He said, Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "A##HOLES!" I yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....
I LOVE this car.

by critch

George Carlin Imponderables...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disorietned?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? to begin with?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NA?VE

28. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

29. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

30. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?

31. There are three religious truths:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

AND REMEMBER........

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

by oz_media

GUTS: Is when you go home after a night out with the boys, see your wife with a broom in her hands and ask " are you STILL sweeping up or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: Is when you go home after a night out with the boys, have lipstick on your collar, stinking of a strange perfume, shirt untucked, then you smack your wife on the butt and say "Alright, toots, you're next!"

Have a great weekend.

by gsg

I have bronchitis and uncontrollable coughing at the moment, so forgive me if I don't try this "cure". I don't need another problem on top of what I'm dealing with now!

(oh, was that my lung I just coughed out?)

by dadspad

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

by dadspad

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled

by dadspad

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

by daveo2000

And here I thought you were going to talk about Organic Foods and the problems with preparing them! And instead I find you going on about some woman only preparing healthy meals when her husband isn't at home!

What is up with that? All of the women here know that a good wife will always prepare the best meals when her man is coming in the house!

(ok, gg, see what you can do with that!)

by dadspad

But you are the first I have personally talked to. Have some deviled egg, they are delicious. ]:) They are vary orgas.. I mean organic.

by nicknielsen

Little Johnny and Mary were neighbors. Mary was a very jealous girl and just had to have everything that Little Johnny had. Little Johnny got a new bicycle, so Mary badgered her parents until they bought her a new bicycle. Little Johnny got a new skateboard, so Mary badgered her parents until they bought her a new skateboard. Little Johnny go a new baseball mitt, so...well, you get the picture.

One day, Mary and Little Johnny were playing doctor. Little Johnny dropped his drawers and showed Mary his ding-a-ling, saying "I know you can't get one of these!"

Mary went screaming home to her mother and came back 5 minutes later, smirking. She flipped up her dress and said "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can get all of those I want!"

by older mycroft

Yeah, I know it's old but it's worth another airing:

"There are 10 types of people living in a digital world - those that understand Binary & those that don't"

by dadspad

A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

by dadspad

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the schit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

by dadspad

Jim and Johnny die hunting in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell.

Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Jim gets pi$sed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

by boxfiddler

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called his next door neighbor G. W. Bush.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is George W Bush, How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
George W Bush, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

by dadspad

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

by dadspad

Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

by dadspad

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

by dadspad

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man, who fell into an upholstery machine, is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small medium at large.

23. Those, who get too big for their britches, will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

25. Those, who jump off a Paris bridge, are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

by dadspad

When I take a long time...
- I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough

When I don't do it...
- I am lazy
When my boss doesn't do it
- he is too busy

When I do something without being told...
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative

When I take a stand...
- I am stubborn
When my boss does it
- he is being firm

When I overlook a rule of etiquette...
- I am rude
When my boss slips a few rules
- he is being original

When I please my boss...
- I am apple polishing
When my boss pleases his boss
- he is co-operating

When I get ahead...
- I am lucky
When my boss gets ahead
- that's hard work

by dadspad

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding abattery -operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one"

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.

by dadspad

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his f*cking head.

I'm not a morning person

by dadspad

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

by nicknielsen

I had a mouthful of beer when I saw this.

You made me abuse alcohol, you bad, bad, boy!

edit: stoopid keybord kant spel

by daveo2000

A husband walked into the room and saw his wife staring at their marriage certificate. She was so deeply studying it that he finally said:

"Hey hunny. Whut r you doin'?"

She replied "I'm lookin' for the freakin' expiration date!"

by captbilly1eye

Since I spent 25 years in Michigan, I guess I can get away with this one...

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of
them out looking for work in two weeks."

The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she
became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work.

------------------------------

Also from Michigan...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1IoCGpP1FSM

by daveo2000

but I found a secret passage behind a dresser in Col's basement. I pushed the dreser aside and crawled through the hole. It was a winding passage that led into a ...

Wait! Oh no! It was YOUR basement!

Nuts! Now you will probably close up that passage too. :(

by hal 9000

Good One Dave now all you have to do is show me my Basement! I really need the extra Room! :p

Sorry but over here Basements are not highly thought of so they don't exist all that often. Even when they do exist in new buildings they tend to fill up with the products from Septic Tanks so that makes them even worse of an option. :^0

But here the often preferred option is called [b]The Queenslander[/b] which according to the Heretic that designed my house is exactly the wrong way to build a house because the livable areas have a dirt floor and the places where you are supposed to live are way too hot or cold during the day. :p

So I'm stuck with a cavity brick place slightly above the ground which is warm in winter and cold in summer and has the best fire place that I've ever seen. And though a Cat used to hide in the chimney there are still no secret passages around here. [b]So Where The Hell Where You![/b] :x

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

[b]NO BLUSHING NOW![/b]

New Zealand Fashion Week 2007 is advertised by the following line

[b]Dive Into Wool.[/b] :p

First time that I've ever seen the Kiwi's accept that they molest Sheep to sell something. :^0

Col ]:)

by w2ktechman

when either kiwis or sheep are on the cover.

Col seems fascinated with both of these beings (in a sorted way)! :0

by dmambo

I'm sure all the big designers are prepping for the new season on the runways of Paris, Milan, London, New York,.....Auckland?????

by gadgetgirl

everyone here knows your favourite designer....

the same guy that writes the showtunes for jd!

:p :p :D

(Nice to see you - you ok?)

GG
]:)

by daveo2000

How could you go and tell a story like this? You are misleading the masses by recounting such a perversion of well known lore!

FOR SHAME! Oh, the humanity!

Everyone knows that if you fall in with the Impure crowd that you will end up going to Heck in a hand-basket. And if you are to end up there, you had best bring some eggs! (And you wondered where "deviled eggs" come from?)

Now, can you see the error of your ways? Honestly! Even to suggest not putting all of your eggs in one basket! It's "A hand-basket", not "several hand baskets"!

Don't you feel ashamed?!?

I clearly hold the Pure One's high ground on this issue! :p

by w2ktechman

After a busy day of study/cooking/other, I finally checked my email. WOW, was I surprised when I won 1,000,000 EURO's in the new MEXICAN Lottery???

REF No:UKNL-L/200-26937
BATCH No:2005MJL-01
TICKET No:20511465463-7644
SERIAL No:S/N-00168
LUCKY No: 887-13-865-37-10-83

FINAL NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the winners of the
NEWMEXICO
LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAMME, held on the 8th of
september,2007. The selection process was carried out through random
selection
in our computerized email selection system(ess) from a
database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from which you were
selected.You
have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of
1,000,000.00(EURO) OneMillion euro in cash credited to file
UKNL-L/200-
26937.To file for
your claim, please contact our claims
agent;

Mr. Gold Smith
Email: claims_nm@hotmail.com

Contact him by sending him with the underlisted informations
(1.) FULL NAME
(2.) FULL ADDRESS
(3).NATIONALITY.
(4) DATE OF BIRTH
(5) OCCUPATION
(6 )WINNING EMAIL
(7 )TELEPHONE NUMBER
(8) DATE OF WINNING NOTIFICATION
(9) SEX
(10) TOTAL AMOUNT WON
(11) MARITAL STATUE

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you
forbeing part
of our promotional program.

Sincerely,
Mrs.Lucia Hump
for NEW MEXICO LOTTERY.
NOTE: You are to contact your officer immediately with the official
EMAIL ADDRESS: claims_nm@hotmail.com

by hal 9000

Would you like me to fill in the blanks and send your details straight through? That's a lot of US $ so you should remember to send the information through [b]ASAP![/b] :^0

Now are you going to accuse me of getting worked up over Kiwi's and Fashions again? :0

OH just to let you know I've sent your details already so you'll be getting your [b]Just Deserts[/b] very soon. :0

Col ]:)

by dadspad

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

by the scummy one

for filling everything out and filing it for me. 1 less thing to worry bout now. When the cash comes in we can work on another bridge deal! :^0

Anyway, what a horrible thing to do!!! :0
Putting yet another impersonator on Steffi's computer! :0
Let her R.I.P. at the bottom of the Atlantic, don't try to bring her back in some lame attempt to do some villinous act!!!

Edited to add:
letting Daveo loose again was a bad idea as well.

by dadspad

Stay awary for Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking... Many did not heed the warning and are not here to tell about it. :0

by gadgetgirl

(whereyoubeenhuh?)

Just remember, it's ain't just devilled eggs.....

[b] [i] I can Devil just about anything...... [/b] [/i]

]:) ]:) ]:)

;\

GG

by gadgetgirl

will they give me an organic orgasm?

Or an orgasmic organ?!

(soz. Not Friday. Silly mode. Destressing from a Sunday you lot wouldn't believe!)

GG

by dadspad

But you can have any kind of 'O' you want. You can choose organic (my personal favorite). However, non organic have seems to be gaining in popularity :)

by gadgetgirl

I won't be choosy.

I'LL HAVE 'EM ALL!!!

(yes, I'll be greedy, though!)

I'll start with - lemmesee - an orgasmic organ. [i] Let's see what grows from there....... [/i]

]:)

GG

;\

by hal 9000

And because [b]SWMBO[/b] had moved the remote I couldn't change the channel. :p

Apparently NZ Air is selling cheap Air Fares to NZ for Fashion Week and as the official carrier they get to use the advertising logo's. Which when I heard caused me to fall to the floor laughing. :^0

I thought that that Logo would cause DM to go [b]Bright Red Again.[/b] :(

OH BTW I've only seen that add once as well and have disabled that station to prevent seeing it again. :0

Col ]:)

by dadspad

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

by dadspad

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. By Ronnie Barker RIP

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

by steffi28

First day back at uni today so I finally have Internet access, we will be gettin online at home soon so I am back :D

Hope you didn't all miss me too much :p

by the scummy one

This is one of Col's hired impersonators. The real Steffi would have commented back to me by now with something nasty :0

by gadgetgirl

Steffi, a young chit of a girl, gets a "love ya!" and a heart smiley......

ok.

GG

someguysjustaren'tintoolderwomen.Dont'realisewhatthey'remissing,fools,
don'tneedtoteachthemanythingandthey'regratefulforwhattheycangethonestlyhedunnowhat
he'smissingth'idiothonestlybloodymen!

Edit: mutterbutton froze....

by hal 9000

We all know that the real Steffi is dead and drowned at the bottom of the Ocean in a British Airways aircraft that sunk when it found that the UK had been moved. :p

I'll have to ask Beth to [b]Check Out this One![/b] :0

Col ]:)

Edited to Add [b]I don't Like Trolls who Hijack others User Accounts Either.[/b] :D

by gadgetgirl

glad to see you back online! How's it going? Still glad to be home?

If you still need some info for the security unit at uni, pm me....

Now, get back online, and get that Col under control - he's been ravaging the site saying that you and Dave02k have been locked away by him, or sold into slavery, or otherwise disposed of....

Mind you, he does have a point.... you both seemed to disappear and reappear at the same-ish time....

Col ....??!!

:p

GG
]:)

by hal 9000

I never forced Steffi to take Dave with her when her plane went missing. :p

It was just an added bonus. :^0

Col ]:)

by daveo2000

Look! Steffi has come back to the Teletubbies home. Po and G.G. give Steffi a Big Hug.

Big Hug!

Tinky Winky tells Steffi that he missed her and is glad she is back.

Tinky Winky miss Steffi. Elcome Back!

G.G. sneaks up behind Steffi and tickles her in the tutu.

G.G. missed Steffi. Big Hug!

Po saw G.G. tickle Steffi in the tutu and gives G.G. a karate chop in the nether region.

Po saw tutu. Kapow.

Steffi gives Po a big kiss on the lips which gets Po's tubby tele turned on.

Again! Again!

Tinky Winky goes and takes a cold shower.

Good Night Po.
Good Night G.G.
Good Night Steffi.
Good Night Tinky Winky.

by gadgetgirl

I want some too!

Grief, you had me crying with laughter at that one!

One point, though - I would NEVER tickle Steffi in the tutu.... ladies don't *do* that!

oh, and point of order.... even Po would have to bend down to karate chop my "nether region"..!!!

GG

by the scummy one

Daveo, you've lost it completely!
You are just right out of your mind!

Whatever you were doing recently while locked up in Hal's basement, I dont think that you should share with everyone, or anyone for that matter!!!

Get a grip and then you can post again. If you make more posts like this I will need to get Hal to cancel your account!

by shellbot

yer back!!
this place has gone boring without ya..need to kick things up a notch or two!!!

Just back from hols myself...

by hal 9000

I thought that you where the one to bring back DM and by the looks of things Steffi as well. :0

Maybe it was Gadget as she hasn't bothered responding to DM which if it really was DM would be unbelievable. :^0

Col ]:)

by dmambo

1) If you've ever seen the way I dress, you'd think that my favorite designer is Yves St. Salvation-Army-Thrift-Store.

B) Please NEVER invoke my make in the same sentence with JD and showtunes .

III) Yeah, I'm OK. How you doin'?

by gadgetgirl

as smart casual, definitely not Sally Army! I don't think your good lady would let you!

([b] I [/b] know who wears the trousers in your house! - She does!)

Me ok!

GG

Edited for a lost bracket.....nah, don't go there.....

by the scummy one

(trying to learn advanced math). Will this type of joke make me go up or down, and by how many levels???
Maybe if I make a few of these jokes, my math hell will, seem to go away!

by daveo2000

That you would be capable of devilling my eggs is not in question! Of this I will not quibble nor beat around the bush. What comes of this cannot be beaten down nor shall it be lost in the valley of the middle ground which lays low below the mountains of Twin Peaks.

How ya doin'? :p

by gadgetgirl

harlot.

Only cos you're t'other side of pond, yunnerstand?!

Me ok, still yer. Don't post as much, mainly through lack of time, but like to get on and read the mucky bits as and when I can..... no change there, then!

You been busy, I hassume? Long as you're ok, babz :x

GG

by jdclyde

but didn't have my telephoto lense to take the pic straight down, and didn't have the wide angle to take it while laying down.... B-)

You know how they say "more than a mouthful is a waste"? It is always the ones with less than a mouthful that say it..... ]:) [i]as I am SURE someone with your GENEROUS perportions in the [b]RIGHT[/b] places has heard many times? :x

by gadgetgirl

cos over here the saying is more than a handful is a waste!

but I get your point! (DE!!!)

As for the pic - just take it with ANY digital camera! I'll be able to manipulate it (woo!) in photoshop, you know, stretch and squash (hoo!), tone and test, and ...

sno good, can't see to type for laffing!

:x

GG