friday yuk

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070331

Just to show how much we all love windows.

I do like the anology :D

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Try This!!
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

by gsg May 4, 2007

I did it and didn't have any trouble keeping my foot going clockwise. I must be brain damaged.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20030115

I've been trying it for about 3 hours now and still everytime my foot goes anti-clockwise. I wanna be brain damaged too :(

by rpip May 4, 2007

.

by zen37 May 4, 2007

Thanks for giving me something good to kill this friday with. :-P

by downrighttired May 4, 2007

my foot just made a wider o when i did it

:)

by mdhealy May 4, 2007

I found this quite amusing, but also suspect that as an American I was missing half the best jokes, just as a good friend's Australian wife said "half the fun of watching Crocodile Dundee in an American cinema is realizing the audience missed half the jokes!"

So I'd be grateful if some NZ reader could post some annotations to help us clueless Yanks get more of the humor!

by half9 May 4, 2007

Phar lap was a great racehorse. cribb mertins ect are rugby players. rod is rod stewart. rach is rachel hunter. rob is robbie williams. shania is s. twain, she just bought a big station in the south is. pierce was a inventor of the airplane. nz legend has it he flew before the wright bros by days. the other stuff is nz inventions.kiri is kiri te kanawa the opera singer. hope that explains some of it

If you add Friday Yuk to the tags of this you will get more people coming here and posting, and through the week its a lot easier to find if its got "friday yuk" as a tag :)

by half9 May 4, 2007

will do it next time, ok.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers,
which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had
been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it
above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't
like to
have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the
post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered
out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened
in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

You didnt put yuk in your tags either!!!

And to make you even more naughty that joke was far too pure!! :(

I was thinking we only need one yuk....

and you're right... I must be slipping!

Gotta fix that!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

~hem's fumbling around trying to find the Gutter... can't see because of the light of Purity shining through this thread~

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you?re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

~i hear the dark side calling!~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

~"Luke, Luke, I am your Father!" No! No! No!~

~Viagra Quickies~

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.

His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

~

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

~

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

~

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

~

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

~

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

~

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

~

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

~

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, "SUPER SEX! Super Sex!"

The ladies yelled back: "Soup, Please."

~

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

~

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

~

Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "greated old guys" (sic).

~

Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

~

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

~

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

~

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?"

~

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".

~

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

~

Dan Quayle does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

~

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

~

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

~

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

~

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

~

It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.

~

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.

~

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

~

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

~

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

~What is thy bidding, my Master?~

by critch May 4, 2007

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project, with the U.S. auto makers, for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders,
in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs, in an effort to determine, in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash.

They were surprised to find, in 42 of the 50 states, the recorded
last words of drivers, in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes, were: "Oh Sh##!"
Only the states of Tennessee, South Carolina, Arkansas, Alabama,
Georgia, Mississippi, West Virginia and Kentucky were different, where
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer. I'm gonna try
somthin'."

Tips from the Redneck "Book of Manners":

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." (always a good opener)

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya'll shore don't sweat much fer a fat broad."

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. Slipping in some tongue in the kiss DEFINITELY will get you shot.

4. For the groom, at least, rent a tux . A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

5. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

6. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

7. Don't "dirty dance" during the dollar dance.

8. During the dollar dance, don't rub against the bride and say "OH YEEAAAAAHHHHH!"

by gsg May 4, 2007

I knew I was a redneck. I had a boyfriend in college and we went fishing on our first "date". However, being a redneck, I baited my own hook, thank you very much.

I'm right-handed but even if I try it with my left foot the same thing happens so I dont think thats a factor.

Why it's cool to be a woman..

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

And for the men..

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

Same work, more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

In the same vein, quotes about marriage:

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

-------------------------------------------

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

----------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

----------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

----------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

----------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

----------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

----------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

---------------------------------l-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
---------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don?t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn?t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they?ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

IT?S A WONDER WE HAVEN?T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE

THERE ARE 12 FEET DEEP PILES THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I?m sorry... what did you ask me?

I think I've had that exact one before.

Mine usually revolves around washing silver ware. No one washes the damn silver ware. It's in the sink. The other dishes are washed. Why am I the ONLY person who seems to notice that the silver ware isn't clean???

I had to wash dishes this morning, can you tell? :)

by it.padawan May 4, 2007

did somebody bug my house?

What are the other 2 pairs for? ?:|

but sandals do not count as shoes do they???

by tonythetiger May 4, 2007

[i]3. Slipping in some tongue in the kiss DEFINITELY will get you shot.
[/i]

... you're the one who performed the ceremony!

your the father of the bride or groom.... :0

[i]It is too bad we don't know anyone that was from KY that could verify these, huh Mae? ;\

married 3 times and have NEVER been inappropriately kissed by my father or father in law.

There was this one time with my hot cousin, though...

by dumphrey May 4, 2007

nt

Couldn't of done it better myself, in fact when I get home I'm going to have to find something to try to out do you :p only 30 minutes until home time yeay!!

But I welcome you with open arms dear you done us all proud :D

I am just 40 minutes in to my shift. :-) beam me to Germany!

gotta like flex time!

Computer Problem Questionnaire

? Describe your problem
? Now, describe the problem accurately.
? Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
? Is your computer plugged in? yes/no
? Is it turned on? yes/no
? Have you tried to fix it yourself? yes
? Have you made it worse? yes
? Have you read the manual? yes
? Are you sure you've read the manual? yes
? Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? yes
? Do you think you understood it? yes
? If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
? What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
? If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
? Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
? Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
? Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.

You Might Be a Computers' Support Technician if...

* when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
* you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
* you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
* after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
* you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
* you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
* you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
* you disdain people who use low baud rates.
* you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
* you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
* you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
* you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
* you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
* you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
* you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.
* you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.

~Have a great weekend everybody, but it is time to go as I hear a beer or three calling my name!

I dunno what happened! I just didn't sound like myself! Speaking of the dark side:

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I'd do. Other suggestions have been sent to me which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that I couldn't bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into...

Cellblock A

and

Cellblock B

This song is hilarious!
and how do you do that "tiny url" thing?
http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/playlist.aspx?Show=MMS-19

sorry, it is a must log in to listen but it was all I could find. If I posted my mp3 the music police would come confiscate my brain. (too Late:-)

If you are using a tabbed browser, open a tab to www.tinyurl.com. Insert your long URL into the space provided and click the "Make Tiny" button. All it takes.

I try to remember to keep a tab open while surfing TR but also remember- if it isn't safe to open at work, you gotta tell the people. Tiny URL can cause one to open the wrong website with the boss too close!

The second link option to allow a preview for when you have people that refuse to click on a link when they don't know what it is.

example: http://preview.tinyurl.com/39luy8

you find out what the site really is, and then decide if you want to actually visit it or not.

And yes, on a site like this, a warning is always good.

.

http://www.hugeurl.com/?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

This is what http://tinyurl.com looks like at http://hugeurl.com

1540 characters.

To get the full benefit (?) of this post you need to click "Print this Thread".

Serious smart asses will rule the world!

You're funny...

:x

your hot cousin, that is.... pictures! we want pictures!

Yeah, I just heard a good hillbilly joke from a [b]hot geekette[/b], but it isn't appropriate for this site, so everyone, just laugh anyways, knowing it is funny! B-)

by locolobo May 4, 2007

The groom and his men wore new levis and white cowboy shirts. At least they took off their hats inside.

you mean a t-shirt? or the crazy flowery button up shirts?

Did they have a mechanical bull there too? :D

When my bud got married, the groom and his men wore an ear ring. They were magnetic because NONE of them had piercings or tattoos (I was the only one with a pierced ear).

This being a very conservative family, his parents were PISSED to think they all went out the night before and got their ears pierced! It was halfway through the night before they let anyone in on the joke.

by dspeacock May 4, 2007

a couple of memorable ones

1. got the groom-to-be drunk the night before (nothing new there) shaved the right side of his head and the left side of his beard. Bride freaked out and is still looking for us (30 years later)...btw, they're still married

2. painted "help me" on the bottom of his shoes before a VERY catholic ceremony. Her parents were not impressed

by locolobo May 4, 2007

all white. No mechanical bull, but the real thing wasn't far.

she and I knew it couldn't work. Tragically, she is no longer with us after an unfortunate accident at a family reunion. I won't say what happened, but I will say that alcohol, tube tops and a three legged race with your own brother are NOT a good combination.

Max's link I can recognise in it's Tiny format. I avoid clicking it EVER. But I have been taken by surprise by a couple, thus the disclaimer.

My biggest problem is that the force of senility is sometimes too great and I either forget to use Tiny URL or I forget to post a warning flag.

This aging cr@p is for the birds!

I only bother with tiny when the link is VERY long.

As for "This aging cr@p is for the birds!", that is what I understand from talking to Mae, but I always had to just take her word for it.... :D

The uncertainty of your life!

You realise that the speculation about you and show tunes will become a topic of conversation AGAIN, don't you?

I can admit to aging. Mae is still young and incredibly hot. Don't mix them up!

Leave a stack of old applications and a note saying, ?Install these?

Staple your reports in the wrong corner

Put tape over the mouse optics

Unplug a co-worker?s monitor

Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask

Turn your earphones up all the way

Burn popcorn in the microwave

?Forget? to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge

Turn up the beep volume of the copier
Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier

Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier

Practice beat boxing

Sing show tunes (This is one JD is good at)

Hang up the phone before they say, ?good bye?

Slurp hot coffee during meetings

Walk around the office barefooted (I do this one)

Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon

Misplace peoples pens

Insert a 3.5? disk before they turn on their computer

Glue their mouse to the desk

Leave an open can of tuna in their desk

Make a screenshot of their desktop and use
it as their screensaver

Turn up the contrast on their monitor

Talk in a funny accent

Use goofy event sounds for your programs

Chant, ?Yeay, I got mail!!? every time you get a new email

Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox

Send flowers from one co-worker to another

Start your car remotely when someone walks by it

Insist on people to have a great morning

Leave hole punches all over

Leave your lunch garbage in other people?s cans

After each sip give a refreshing, ?Ahhh?

Put salt on someone?s mouse pad

Set a password on someone?s screensaver

Carry on a conversation with someone two cubes down

Smirk when a co-worker walks by

Eat half of someone?s lunch

Swap co-worker?s chairs

Fake stomach flu during a meeting and need to abruptly leave three or four times

Stare deeply into your co-workers eyes when they talk to you

Take all the ice out of the community freezer

Listen to comedy tracks and laugh
hysterically

Hit all the floor buttons when you leave the elevator

Make hissing sounds into the phone and insist you have a bad connection

Flip the left and right mouse button defaults

Take out the ball in the mouse

Eat sunflower seeds

Tell a long story without a point

Tell a co-worker you liked their hair better last week

Anonymously send flowers to a random co-worker

Bring Cheetos for food days

Drag your feet when you walk down the halls

Exclaim your co-worker didn?t wash his hands when leaving the restroom

Eat stinky foods when you have lunch at your desk

Practice drumming on your desk

Use too many paper clips

Fill out your time sheets incorrectly

Set your mobile phone to an obnoxious ring tone

Forward chain letters and other spam to co-workers

Express your political views at length

Whisper loudly

Come to work sick

Drink the last cup of coffee without making a new pot

Answer your mobile during meetings

Stand over someone while they are on the phone

Sneak up behind someone

Mess with the thermostat

Give everyone a pistol wink when they walk by

Gradually turn down the volume on someone?s phone

Leave unusual print outs on the printer

Throw out other people?s prints

Juggle office supplies

Write all your memos on bright colored paper

Be overly nice to people

Hide whiteboard erasers

Chew gum while talking on the phone

Regularly update everyone on the current weather

Read your emails aloud

Leave the fridge open

Shake up cans of pop in the fridge

Leave fingerprints on the copier glass

Whistle all day long

Wear too much cologne/perfume

Type loudly

Wear bright colored clothes

Give everyone a nickname from a TV show

Do the sneaky walk around the office

Peer over the cube and wait for a co-worker to look up and notice

Use the intercom and page yourself

Swap the regular and decaf coffee

Hide the sugar and creamer

Type emails in uppercase and excessive punctuation

Refer to your garbage can as your in-box

Stick pencils to the ceiling in other
people?s offices

Throw a bouncy ball in your office

Tell the same story over and over

Imitate regular sounds like a disc drive opening, door slamming or a mouse click

Talk to your monitor as if it was a person

Schedule meetings at 4:00pm

Talk loudly with your earphones on when someone comes to talk to you

I scare people all the time, but not on purpose (no, I do not look THAT bad!). Years of walking through the woods or something, but I don't make noises when I walk. I have to tap on walls while I walk to keep from startling people.....

friday and the end of the day, an empty tuna can in someones trash can. The cleaning people don't clean until sunday night....

when you drop a deuce, close the door behind you to save as much for the next person as possible.

Someone put a "decaf" sign on the GREEN Maxwell house can, because it seems BLUE and GREEN is too subtle a hint. I moved the sign to the blue can.

People ask if I had seen or talked to one of the co-workers. I instantly say "yes, but it was about a week ago."

Yes, as you can tell, it is a real pleasure to have me around all daze long..... :D

Everyone have a great weekend. Mae, drive careful! :x

I won't be driving, though. I'll be riding and nagging at the driver. That's my job. :)

I have never pulled the mouse trick on anyone before but one of my direct reports is out on vacation...

switch everybody's phone numbers.

plug a cordless keyboard in to their PC and help them type from across the room.
put the BSOD scrrensaver on their system.

take a screenshot of their desktop. move all their desktop items into a folder on the desktop, and then set the screenshot as their wallpaper.

install a script that briefly changes their wallpaper to something inapropriate for about 3 seconds and then changes it back. set it to run at random infrequent times. (once every 20 min to an hour at random)

many more where those came from. No Time.

by Member 25348569 May 5, 2007

there's one knocking around on TR that I wrote for for Tink and other peers for Halloween.
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=201880&messageID=2103711

As long as you LOOK good, the age doesn't matter.

He may be slightly younger than me..but I'd bet I'm wearing the milage better. :)

Speaking of which, my dermatologist gave me a presciption for Renova. It's kind of like a peel. It takes a few days of flaky skin, but what is left is like 6 year old skin. Awesome. Now, all I have to do is get my slightly sagging eyelids lifted and I'll have it made. :)

by gsg May 4, 2007

Here's how you do it
1) Select shovel (one with a wide base is best)
2) Find drunk friend
3) Give friend shovel
4) Ask friend to repeatedly and forcefully apply shovel until your eyes cross.
5) Go to hospital and heal
6) Repeat as necessary until the proper level of brain damage has been reached

I have teen boys, so you can imagine what it takes to get help.

I got home yesterday, they were both on the computers.

We break up my yard into sections because it is two city lots. Front, and back. front takes about 30 minutes, back about hour and a half. I told them someone will be doing the front and dishes, the other will be doing the back. didn't care who did what, and the first one to get moving got to decide which they would do.

Thing One came FLYING down the stairs. Thing two took a bit longer, but no sympathy. I told him that next time he comes home from school and SEES it needs it, to not wait for me to say something.

While they did that, I fired up the grill. Made whole boneless chicken breasts, and then made them into buffalo breasts. mmmmmmmmmm.

by danlm May 4, 2007

This little test will help you decide if you are a Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner. Posing the following question will determine the answer.

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that is not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What do my children think?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible that he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier and healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click . . . (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?"
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You are not taking that to the taxidermist

don't blame me, my better half sent me this.

Dan

but this is a "friday yuk" where people post jokes, not real life events! ;\

And as a [b]former owner[/b] of a Glock 40 cal, I must say what a crappy gun. B-)

by hal 9000 May 4, 2007

So that they can shoot themselves rather than members of the public who just happen to be near by.

Col ]:)

by danlm May 4, 2007

This little test will help you decide if you are a Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner. Posing the following question will determine the answer.

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that is not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What do my children think?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible that he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier and healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click . . . (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?"
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You are not taking that to the taxidermist

don't blame me, my better half sent me this.

Dan

one main thread up... ;)

by danlm May 5, 2007

I was worried someone would get ticked with that post. And if they are, I appoligise... I'll stay out of the friday yuks.

Lol, but I do like the southern response though.

Dan

by Member 25348569 May 4, 2007

There is a Democrat, a Republican and a Redneck all trying out for jobs with the S.W.A.T. team. The person who is testing them says "well done on getting this far. There is just one more task that you have to complete. In that room there is your wife and you have to go and shoot her dead".

First of all the Democrat tried to go in but got no further than the door before he said "Look I?m sorry I just can?t do it". So the man in charge says "well in that case you not the type of person we are looking for. I am afraid you haven?t got the job".

Next the Republican goes in, he stays in there a while and he comes out and confesses that he just can?t kill his wife, so he is sent packing.

Finally the Redneck goes in. The man in charge standing outside of the room hears "BANG BANG". Then he hears screaming and crashing and banging. After what seems like an eternity the Redneck comes out and says "some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat here to death with the chair that she was sitting on!"

:0 :D

Met someone about two months ago and we went out. She decided NOT to go out again because "I was not enough of a redneck".

Good advice I got was "run, not walk, but RUN away from that one!" (I did).

It was, like, "sorry for having all my teeth and an education?" :0

http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/Timber_Frame.jpg

On a unrelated note: Paris Hilton just got sentenced to 45 days in jail. Why did I find that funny? I must ponder.

I heard about a case when some guys in the same unit as a guy getting married got the groom drunk in a US base (may have been Hawaii), put him on a cargo plane with instructions to the crew and he woke up in Frankfurt.

The bride, also military, found it funny. Good thing, I guess, since I expect she was allowed to carry firearms. :0

You need plates to carry more than one bit of food from the kitchen to the TV room. Once there, you can eat with your fingers. If you try to wash silverware you end up washing your hands too so why waste the energy? ]:)

And have you noticed that paper towels make great chair arm covers?

sandals make up an important part in the show wardrobe. sheesh.

NT as in No Third.

slippers for around the house in Winter...
there, 3rd.
I wear my hiking boots to work.
I wear the sandals in the yard.
I wear slippers in winter and barefoot in spring/summer/fall indoors.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VUqsF8vbR_Q&mode=related&search=

Edited to change to a movie link that won't kill MY bandwidth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1-25s4uwFQ

fightfightfight....

by hal 9000 May 5, 2007

If any sports person here touched an official they would get a 12 year ban immediately without a second thought for bringing the sport into disrepute. We have big burley footballers who are not in fact midgets built up with padding that would sooner eat a bullet that accidentally touch a Ref under any circumstances even if a coach here verbals a Ref they are looking at least a 25K fine and being banned from the bench for several weeks and this is non negotiable and automatic. This bunch of thugs didn't give a rats who they hit and where continually attacking and hitting the Umpires/Officials which should earn them a long permanent ban that would effectively prevent them from ever playing again.

Players are easily replaced but Officials are much harder to find so they need to be treated much better than they where in that clip.

Several years ago while running backward to take a mark one of the Aussie Rules players ran into a ref and knocked him out accidentally and didn't think twice he dropped the ball that he had caught and attended to the ref until medical help arrived and even then he accompanied the Ref to Hospital and stayed with him till he was certain that there was no damage done.

If that had of been a deliberate hit on a ref he never would have played football ever again and quite rightly so. There is no room for attacks on Officials at any sporting events.

Col

by ontheropes May 5, 2007

You'd think they'd get hurt a lot worse than they do. I'd hate to take a skate to the face or... anywhere for that matter.

Maybe I'm just too bloodthirsty when I get into it.

by nicknielsen May 4, 2007

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

...without the Tide.

And then posted using Nick's account!

by maecuff May 5, 2007

think I'm old enough to go through menopause????

How're YOU doin'?

I opened Pandora's Box, so to speak, when I decided to do some Spring cleaning and make room for my free printer.

Holy crap do I have a bunch of sh... stuff!!! Yesterday I filled 5 large Tupperware tubs with stuff. That's not counting the 6 tubs of stuff already out in the barn.

Where does all of this stuff come from? I haven't bought any stuff for awhile. I don't remember bringing stuff home.

Accumulating all of this stuff is like the opposite of washing socks.

It reminded me of a George Carlin skit where he talked about traveling. When you travel to stay somewhere on a vacation you always take some version of your stuff with you. Then while you're away you might take a little day-trip and you take along a smaller version of your stuff, etc.

I'm getting down to just the stuff I need but I still have a little way to go.

While doing THIS cleaning I realized how cluttered the barns are looking...

I should be done Spring cleaning sometime this Fall.

Have you ever noticed that your stuff is STUFF but other people's stuff is sh*t?

So pack it all up and send it here. I will sell your un-needed stuff and turn it into funds for the 3 Day. Why bother with spring cleaning? load it up, pack it out, the 3 Day makes a profit. Everybody's HAPPY!

We're going through the same kind of thing here. He refuses to install the new printer we got him because he still has ink for the old one.

So you can't even swing a cat in our office because of all the crap he has tucked into corners and all the stuff I have that is trying to get on shelves that only he can reach.

If he doesn't go back to work pretty soon, I will kill him. And no woman jury would convict me, either.

GRRRR!

See Nick's post below.

If I get rid of any of my stuff I'll need it so I'm keeping it as protection against that.

I need to take a picture of this space when I'm all done. It's funny how you can get one set-up and think it's good for awhile and then you try something else then thinks THAT's the way it should be.

I think I have reached a new personal best. I have (glancing around) 7 good surge protectors (no UPS :( )connecting all of my stuff.

It's a good thing my son is an licensed electrician because it would be like Green Acres here if he hadn't put in new outlets.

I actually have labels on both ends of all of my wired stuff too. Does THAT ever save a lot of time.

by hal 9000 May 4, 2007

But in your case I'm not sure what will happen as you claim to be a [b]61 Year Old Dirty Old Man Impersonating a 12 Year Old Girl[/b] so anything is possible. :^0

Dam that Shelly I'll have to remember that her maths is so bad that you should never take any notice of her. :(

Col ]:)

by hal 9000 May 4, 2007

Here all silver is banned and I give it away. :D

Unfortunately it returns with more friends than it left with. :(

Currently all the silver here is hidden so that

[b]1[/b] No One can see how black it's gotten in the hermetically sealed containers that's it in.

[b]2[/b] No one needs to clean the rubbish after all cleaning the highly polished Alloy of the Ducati is a big enough job so why encourage [b]SWMBO[/b] to get other stuff cleaned & polished?

[b]3[/b] I can only throw Silver so far and even the rubbish man returns it. :(

[b]4[/b] I hate Silverware with a vengeance that is unequalled by anything else hence I keep giving it away to family members. Unfortunately when the die they think that I like the stuff and insist on leaving me the original item/s and much more in their wills. X-(

[b]5[/b] No one will accept it as a donation to a charity as it's way too expensive and everyone who gets offered this stuff thinks that I must be crazy. :0

[b]6[/b] Stainless Steel doesn't tarnish is easy to clean and always looks good as well as remaining sharp and the fork tongs don't bend. It's also much cheaper to replace when you eventually break it all as well.

[b]7[/b] Owning Silverware is a very strong sign of Insanity. ;\

[b]8[/b] When [b]SWMBO[/b] finally gets sick and tired of looking at the black silver and decides to clean it when I'm no where near home she uses a Toxic Chemical to clean it and leave a coating on it so that it will not need cleaning again for another 10 years.

That about covers everything as I hate the stuff with vengeance.

After all if I have to clean and polish [b]SWMBO[/b] mag wheels on the cars that I give her why should it be expected that I like polishing other things?

Col ]:)

Unfortunately the laziness part of my brain kicks in whenever I think about doing it. Then I end up playing on the 360 until I forget why I ended up on an MS product........

by ontheropes May 5, 2007

the laziness part. That's why I label 'em right away. It's that pay me now or pay me later thing. I use those peel off stickers and an ingenious labeling scheme I created.

1,1; 2,2; 3,3; 4,4; etc.

I do label transformers with the device they belong to because some manufacturers STILL don't put the voltage on their device.

If I didn't already toss it, I've got something around here that doesn't have the polarity marked either. WTF! I have nothing better to do with my day besides look up the manufacturers spec.'s on some two-bit POS.

Uh... yes I do.

Sometimes I take digital pictures of crap when I take it part for the first time so that I stand a good chance of putting it back together correctly.

"WhereinthehelldotheseClass8boltsgo?"

Stuff I learned from Martha Stewart.

It's an incredibly exciting life I lead ain't it?

He doesn't realize when I am poking fun at your age, it is because I think you being 32 is OLD!

Silly boy..... ;\

by w2ktechman May 5, 2007

sorry, so it wasnt you this time....
Also, I have no idea how old you or anyone else is. As for me, I have to count back to my birthdate every once in a while so that I know how old I am. Time just doesnt seem to matter for me I guess.
So apparently, if JD is correct, I am older than you!
I am only repeating this cause of yesterday though
https://www.techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=220825&messageID=2227267
as I was told it was true (but I still do not see it)........

looking through the discussion notification and saw what LOOKED like you saying "You Tool", but then I couldn't find it in the discussion.

Maybe being still drunk from the night before AND not puttin on my glasses wasn't the best combination?

It didn't SURPRISE me that you would say tool, just was dying to see who you called it! :D

Oh yeah, the dart banquet went VERY well. Got three teams trying to recruit me for next season. B-) The big question, go with the heavy drinkers and have a grand time or go with the serious people and win? Decisions decisions decisions.....

by hal 9000 May 5, 2007

Operation so you can be one of the Unix at the Harem where I'm selling all the impure TR Girls to so you will be her last attack with that dreaded shovel. :D

I've been told that some even survive Mae's version of that operation and go on to live long empty boring lives watching nearly naked women training to please their owner and as they have had certain parts of their anonymity cut off can no longer enjoy the show. :p

Currently GG is already there getting the place ready and is currently using a cattle prod to make the few arrived females do as they are told though as she exhausts 3 day batteries in 15 minutes I think that she's enjoying herself way too much. Steffi when the Animal Tranquillisers wear off will be another Victim of GG demonic Rule of the Harem. :^0

I'm going to clean up the impure ones here at TR if it taxes me out of existence. :0

But as all the money coming in is paid directly into a Numbered Swiss Bank Account the AU Tax man will never know what's happening so I'm just going to be very rich and maybe even retire from working with computers all together. Purifying TR will be my parting present to everyone here. :x

OH BTW Mae will be joining you shortly when I have no further use for her here at TR between her and GG the pair of them should scare all the women into submission quite easily. :D

Col ]:)

so the rest will all come up on the "short side of the stick"? :0

They were complementing me on my nice bracelet collection as I was packing, until I told them they weren't bracelets, they were c#@k rings..

by Member 25348569 May 5, 2007

I just found it, cut and pasted. Not being a democrat or a Republican and associating Redneck with sunburn...