Friday Yuk

How do you think I felt when I was dragged out of Bed at 5.30 AM by [b]SWMBO[/b] about something that she forgot that she did the previous night and when I walked into my computer Lab about 30 minutes latter I found that Jaqui had already posted a Blond Joke. I'm 10 hours in front of GMT and at least 18 hours in front of Jacqui but he still beat me to it & I got abused into the process because the [b]Superior Woman[/b] couldn't remember what she had done the previous night. :(

Besides you deserve to be beaten as often as possible by other women so you don't enjoy it anywhere near as much. :p

Col ]:)

by steffi28 Mar 9, 2007

I just wanted for once in my life to come first!! :p

Edited to add- I love DE's :D

by deadly ernest Mar 9, 2007

significant other to pay you a little bit more attention during the preliminaries.

haven't had a good DE in a while :)

oh..had interview this morn, got the job..but..do i want it?? Not sure. They offering less money than they were initially quoting..i'm just not quite sure what they expecting, they dropped money by 4 grand, and to be honest, i don't think its a realistic salary for what they are looking for. So have to think about it over weekend..its not "the perfect job i've always been looking for" so not sure if i that motivated to accept a pay drop.. if my current company thinks i am worth X amount, who are they to offer me less, for a job which would mean way more responsability ??

on the up side, got my hair done, i look half decent for a change :)

by hal 9000 Mar 11, 2007

by steffi28 Mar 9, 2007

But I thought Col would of beat you to it and said it first!! hahaha

As you can see from my first post I am man hating at the moment so maybe thats why I didnt come first :p

a attitude issue then :)
isn't this always the case with woman :p

Rob

Sometimes it's aptitude.

How's it going? :)

i agree with Tig..its more apptitude than attitude..

a girl can have the best attitude in the world, but if TR is not working properly, that Yuk is not going to get posted..

:) :)

Happy friday!

After all, some of us have your best interests at heart! I cannot quite picture the carbon-based life-form that you have described back in Lilliput as actually qualifying for the title of "Man" but, benefit of the doubt, we will grant you the attitude on that one.

But just think of the rest of us that have such high thoughts of you. Why, the pedistal that we have erected for you will bring you to new heights. We men raise our heads to you and salute your Purity. We will shower you with our adulation if you but let us.

(Edited to add: certainly there aren't any DEs in there!) ]:)

Steffi will think that you are attempting to look up her dress [b]AGAIN.[/b] :D

Col ]:)

Have a great week end everyone except Shelly and Steffi as you two are both naughty. :(

by deadly ernest Mar 9, 2007

non-gender specific, so as to allow you to chose the gender of the significant other. Just be careful about using terms like 'come again' and 'do you come here often.'

I mean, after all, having people visit is just plain neighborly! ;)

28. How can you tell if a man is lying to you?

His lips are moving.

Ain't you forgetting something ]:)
His lips can move you around you wouldn't believe :8} :0
That is ... when you let him :^0 :D

Good to see you around TT :x

Rob

by dryflies Mar 9, 2007

29. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?

None, the beer should be open by the time she brings it to him. :-)

Cant say im going to allow this one, I dont like it :(

Why do women get PMS??

They deserve it!!! :-) :-) :-)

In SOOOO much trouble!

HEY LADIES!!! Sacrificial lamb here!!!

Have a great weekend!

Trouble is my middle name!!!!!

As long as they realize it was in jest only. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy... (maybe)

cause someone needs to get b1tch slapped for that one!!!

Unless you fancy being our new b1tch ??

:) :) :)

by charliespencer Mar 9, 2007

But just for you,

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q. Why is a watch a poor gift for woman?
A. There's a clock on the stove, isn't there?

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing. She's already been told to shut up twice.

And my personal favorite:

Q. How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A. None. The b!tch should open it when she brings it to him.

I'm out of here until the 19th. Everybody play nice.

my 2? worth and be put in line for immediate execution....

Why do men die before women?

A. To escape the nagging.
B. Because we want to.

are a not only a brave man, but a well prepared one (will & undies)

you will go far in this world :)

by sleepin'dawg Mar 9, 2007

Because [b][i]"Mad Cow Disease"[/b][/i] was already taken.

Q: Why do men like BJs?
A: The tens minutes of silence.

You might as well hang for a sheep as a lamb. :^0

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by jellimonsta Mar 10, 2007

30 minutes of silence is better!! :D

of mens good points, when are you going to start posting some jokes? :D

What is the difference between a woman on PMS and a bitbull? Jewelry.

What do you get when you cross a woman with PMS and woman with ESP? A beotch that thinks she knows everything.

What is the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Why are women like poo? The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

[i]
Disclaimer: Geekettes are exempt! :x

RUN!!!

clearly I should have waited until NEXT week to post those? :0

]:)

Mydol ne1? :p

by sleepin'dawg Mar 9, 2007

:^0 Good ones JD

[i][b]Claim:[/b] This is Friday Yuk. [b][u]Nobody[/b][/u] is exempt, including you and me. Don't enter the kitchen if you can't take the heat.[/i]

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

it was a lame attempt to dodge the shovel.... ;\

hahaha, the toilet one is good!!!

Thanks for the exemption JD :x

The girls in the office even think they are funny for a change :)

you changed it to MEN when you told it to the girls, right? B-)

The old standby,

Why are their windows over kitchen sinks?

So she can see the grass she has to mow after she finishes the dishes. =)

Oh, and,
What?s the worst anniversary gift possible to buy your wife?

A watch. There should be a clock on the stove.

why is the laundrymat a bad place to meet women?

If she can't afford a washer and dryer, she will NEVER be able to afford to support you. :0

Why do women have smaller feet?

It is one of those "evolutionairy" things we always hear Neal talking about. It allows them to stand closer to the sink while they are washing the dishes. :p

Those jokes are in very poor taste (very funny) and I am a little disappointed (a lot amused).
Ladies, I set him straight for you!! :p

I heard there are all these battered women. And to think I have been eating them plain all this time...... :0

;)

The NT is ssupposed to go in the title so save people reading the post lol, dont worrz dave darling you will figure it out one day :p

Trouble.

Ish.

Kinda depends on what the ladies can think of to do to you.

Course, I may need to fan the flames a bit...

But only 'cause we love you! :)

And here I was thinking you'd help protect a fellow cissp!!!!

There aren't many of us security types. We've got to protect the few we've got.

See? That certification pays off in ways you never imagined!

There is at least one female here who takes severe offence at being called a Lady. I did it once out of [b]Respect[/b] and the wounds haven't as yet healed. :(

Col
[i]Now I'm going to cry myself to sleep again.[/i]

Col I'm sorry I didnt realise that I had used the whip on you so hard!! I really didnt mean to leave marks, well not that many anyway, can you forgive me, in fact so that you forgive me I'll let you use the whip on me :p

by mr.wiz Mar 9, 2007

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people who Read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand:
See the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the
outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. You go well with most anyone.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from
humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with a Moon Pie but Catfish or Okra are O.K. too.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round
are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. A Chitlin would be a good mate but it's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile
and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted
with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn,people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. You should definitely marry an Armadillo.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically but have a good heart.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a
genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is
to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

by mr.wiz Mar 9, 2007

I'm a boiled peanut, how about the rest of you?

not very interesting..but much nicer than one of the last "alternative" star sign things i have read..
the last one said i was a "sucker that peple would take advanatge of at every chance"

by zen37 Mar 9, 2007

... and i am surprised on how accurate a picture it makes of me......freaky.

But that really isn't much of a surprise..

oops

by inkling Mar 9, 2007

...

by zydeco blue Mar 9, 2007

... and for some reason it's pretty accurate, all things considered. But I married a Butter Bean.

Engaged to Okra. But Okra goes with anything so I'm good.

Married to a Catfish! :D

by Member 25348569 Mar 9, 2007

Congrats on the forthcoming sprog, by the way.

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler.

How strange, how accurate these are ;\

Wouldn't you get that not a bit sooner then when on the doorway to heaven ?:| :0

TY, it's going great. Lots of work :) less time for running around TR :( but hey work pays the bills, isn't it :D

Are you already getting some butterfly's for the big day ? :x and I wasn't talking about the 3 running day's. Come to speak of that any milage done?

Well I'm of into the weekend, hiha, cheers and have a great weekend yourselfs :)

Rob

chafing is what gets to me...I mean, it SOUNDS like a good idea, but asbestos just wears funny.

what sort of "breaking in" period does one experience with those?

and do they make your behind look big??

to really break em in. And the vertical stripes tend to "limit" the "balooning" effect of the asbestos construction. Think yellow and purple Depends.

TR's fault ]:) Isn't this blaming on who can defend the worse/least :^0 ;)
... unless ... [b]give us more emoticons[/b] ... [b]a spoil cheater[/b] :D :^0

So what is your aptitude/attitude Shellbot ?:| hope it's not a yuk one but a :x one

Have a great weekend and as said before, cheers, have a great weekend yourselfs :)
Rob

by Member 25348569 Mar 9, 2007

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a test done on his prostate.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow and we'll be able to run some tests on it."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

by rob mekel Mar 12, 2007

Rob

for once i'm going to keep my mouth shut..
:)

have a great one!

by dryflies Mar 9, 2007

if they dropped it 4 grand, call them and jack the price back up. you are working from a position of power.. use it.

What exactly is it that you are unable to sallow that requires you to keep your mouth shut? :p

I will not wish you a Happy Friday as by the sounds of things you are already in the process of having one. :^0

Col ]:)

Yup

Even getting 8 CPEs tomorrow to proctor an exam.

I am far too Pure and, um, well Pure to stoop over and try to look up, well, there.
:0

By the way, Steffi. You should get that hem looked at. It appears that the stitching is unravelling. But don't worry, it doesn't show from the outside yet.
O
:)

So, did the halo work?

by sleepin'dawg Mar 9, 2007

Oh!!! Hi there, Mae!!!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

weapon. Or just breaking out an old one. I can make a man want to cut off his own ears in a matter of minutes. And it would be so much more gratifying to drive someone to mutilate himself rather than do it myself.

by w2ktechman Mar 9, 2007

how about a rake???
wait! I didnt mean for you to do yardwork...Really!

You know, a spade is not as rounded so it may work well. Also, small explosive devices can cause damage without death too. Oops, said too much. Dont give Mae more ideas...

Those CE credits are what turn many folks away from the certification. I don't think that they realise how easy it is to gather them.

Tomorrow is the first day of the next 24 weeks of training. Oddly enough I still remember the last 600 training miles! Pass the Motrin!!!

I can be on your doorstep lots faster than you think I can!

Have a good weekend!

A pissed off wolverine might be a good option.

by w2ktechman Mar 9, 2007

I threatened to send you on your way with your new hammer
nice and shiny except for those blotches of red/purple and hairs sticking out of the lumps.
So, how is the hammer working for you so far?

by Member 25348569 Mar 9, 2007

lack the personal touch of a good, sharp shovel.

Don't change the weapon, Mae. It will really screw up my mental pictures and I think that I've got them just about right...

:^0

by w2ktechman Mar 9, 2007

has a much more horrifying appeal to it.

However, so does a ball and chain

Haven't had faggits for ages... not one for paze though. Hope all is well over there for yourself!! :)

"Go Blue"! B-)

A bit of salt does go a long way though! :p

"squirty cream"! ]:)

by jellimonsta Mar 10, 2007

and here was I, thinking I had the sweet tooth! :D

cocky.

I'm sure your mental picture doesn't do me justice.

And JD? I don't care about sports. You KNOW that. When I say pissed off wolverines, I don't mean men running around in tight pants, slapping each other on the ass...

they can't ALL be gems! :p

By the sounds of things Tig wants you. Now if you can figure out what her plans are you might get to enjoy yourself. :D

Must have been that line about geeketts excepted. :0

Or get to take a very [b]LONG HOLIDAY for your own Self Protection.[/b] :^0

Col ]:)

by jdclyde Mar 10, 2007

police protection, and am now doing my best Steve Martin impression of him in "my blue heaven". :D

[b]pissed off wolverine[/b] is better than a woman?

It's because there is not a single recorded case of a Pissed Off Wolverine ever nagging its prey to death. :^0

Col ]:)

A long time ago I read a SiFi book where there where 2 distinct races bent on Galactic Domination and when one side realised that the other had sent a surprise Emissary to Earth the other side launched an immediate counter attack and sent their own Emissary. They both arrived at the same time and tried to make the Earths leaders sign a pact with their side.

The first was a bunch of Technocrats who spent their entire lives improving and perfecting technology the second was a Bunch of Lesbians who only kept a few subjected males available for Breeding Purposes and where attempting to spread their type of Lifestyle Galaxy wide.

Now as I know that Steffi is a member of the second group I'm wondering if anyone can tell me [b]The Name Of The Book?[/b] [b][i]PLEASE[/i][/b]

I just need to know [b]Honest.[/b]

Col

by gadgetgirl Mar 9, 2007

well, it's been great knowing you Col.

Pity you decided to shorten your life in this way, though.

Shame.

Not a chance of us ever meeting now.

When's the funeral, Stef?

]:)

by hal 9000 Mar 10, 2007

Do you that favour that you need done or it's the [b]NHS![/b] I'm sure that [b]Your Majestic Majesty[/b] will be able to keep Steffi in line till them. :p

But do you know the name of the Book?

Actually Stef will not kill me as she would consider that as way to easy and letting me off the hook too easily she likes to torment her victims before eventually killing or allowing them to die of [b]Fright or Old Age[/b] after years of constant fear. Isn't that right my love? :D

Col ]:)

by jdclyde Mar 10, 2007

The wife is at the front door beotching to come in, the dog is at the back door barking to come in. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. It at least will shut up after you let it in.

--------------------------

After 10 years of marriage, the best thing about a bj is the ten minutes of silence......

]:)

by jdclyde Mar 10, 2007

no teeth........ :0

we don't even JOKE about that......

by maecuff Mar 11, 2007

I don't know of ANYONE who has been nagged to death. Perhaps hospitalized..

Dave always trying to look up my dress so I'm used to it by now but I blame you, you put the idea in his head in the first place :p

And I had a great weekend :p

I knew you could do it!! Was the interviewer a lesbian like we said?? lol

Looks like you got a lot of thinking on your hands at the moment, like what was the reason you went to the interview in the first place, was it just the increase in wage or are you currently hating your job! Good luck on whatever you decide to do hun and keep us updated!

But only because you said you would do it for me :p

by hal 9000 Mar 12, 2007

Besides I think that you are hearing voices in your head again I never suggested that I would place your Batteries back into the charger. So I take it that your weekend left a lot to be desired. :p

What with all those knotted up muscles it must have really hurt. :D

Col ]:)

I'm in absolute agonz today, not sure if it was the dancing until 7am on friday night or the fact that I got my new laptop so i've been hunched over that all weekend, but for a change its definitely not for rude reasons :p

by hal 9000 Mar 12, 2007

Hello and Good Day...

The recruitment office of Wolseley Group UK wishes to notify you concerning a job opening in the company.

The company presently needs a representative/book-keeper in the United States and in Canada, due to its recent business expansion to North America.This would be an online job and would not affect or require you leaving present job.

We are the world's number one distributor of heating and plumbing products to the professional market,a leading supplier of building materials and services

Our company delivers an unrivalled range of industry leading products and services, underpinned by some of the most powerful brand names in the building and construction sector.

Due to our current expanding clients base in the United States and Canada, we are recruiting representatives in the United States and Canada respectively to work as company representatives that would assist in processing the payments from our clients.HE/SHE would be paid a weekly salary based on percentage.

[b]PLEASE IF YOU ARE INTERESTED SEND US AN EMAIL SO THAT WE CAN EQUIP YOU WITH THE JOB DETAILS AND EMPLOYMENT REQUIREMENTS.

WARM REGARDS,

PETE CAMPBELL,

PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER.

WOLSELEY GROUP UK.

1-5 WOLSELEY PARKWAY NW,

LONDON, SW1Y 6EE,

UNITED KINGDOM

WWW.WOLSELEY.COM[/b]

Now that you have a CV to prepare you don't need to bother reading any other posts since you last looked here as this is a Once In a Lifetime Opportunity.

Col