Friday Yuk

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Rob

but amusing non the less:

The story goes that this is real, but who know..its been forwarded on a lot around ireland for a couple days: I've starred out the phone numebrs and email addreess for privacys sake though. I've also removed company names and addresses.

Email To Co-workers
Subject: Im outta here ..... ;.)

My leaving letter:
Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tommorw is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Tommorow is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your
unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the
words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where
miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and
inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes
a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to
attribute his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever
ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate
enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a
wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in
overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily
tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great
solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review,
"mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man
home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a
bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other
within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass
on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans
eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my
personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite
having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will
clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these
"email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of
good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty
womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the
individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to
cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good
woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a
lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner
kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Odeon
5.30 tommorow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!
__________________________________

Cian Kelliher
Consultant
Risk & Advisory Services
Industrial, Commercial & Technology Group [ICT ]
****** (company name)

Phone: +353 1 *** ****
Switch: + 353 (0) 1 *** ****
E-mail: Cian.Kelliher@**.**

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Hi Guys

Last Thursday I sent out a going away email. It was meant to be a joke
email but I now realise that it has caused offence / upset and has been
passed on to a wider audience than the intended recipients. The text was
something I pulled off the Internet.

I apologise for any offence that I have caused. I regret that the email
could adversely impact on the reputation / good name of (company name) and my
former colleagues. I wish to emphasis that none of the comments were meant
to be taken seriously. I hold (company name) and my former colleagues in the
highest regard.

If you have passed on the original email or shown it to anyone outside of
the recipient list can you please also pass on this apology and refrain from
futher forwarding of the mail.

Regards
Cian.

(private name)
IT Risk Consultant
Technology & Security Risk Services (TSRS)
(company name), (address1)
(address2), (address3)
Dublin 2, Ireland

Just harrassing tr again to pass the boredom of work.On the piss later myself.Ill be doing the kicking here thank you. Any scandal EDITED?

Message was edited by: moderator

An Amish family goes to one of those new shopping malls that sprouted up near their settlement to see what the world had come to. They walk around and the mother goes in to look at clothing in a women's clothing store. The father and son keep walking looking at the wonders that confront them.

They come to an elevator bank and see the doors open. An older woman gets in and presses a button. They see the lights above the door count up, then count down. Next a rather beautiful woman comes out and walks away. Both of them are amazed at this machine.

Another older woman is standing there waiting and gets in, presses a button. The father and son watch as the numbers go up and then come down again, the door opens and a lovely young woman comes out and walks away.

At this point, the father tells his son "Quick, boy. Go get your mother and let's see if it works for her too!"

She wont be back until monday , but i'll pass on your regards
love john

What's the difference between a lady in church and lady in the bathtub?
One has hope in her soul.
----------
What?s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
----------
What?s the difference between a group of pigmy?s running through the woods and a group of Girl Scouts?
One?s a group of cunning little runts.
----------
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
----------
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A few of these are crass (what am I saying, this crowd will love it):

http://artwc.org/Billie2/0118FUNNIES/0118.html

I especially like the headless dancer.

Just found this apparently its true!! Man its some duck!!

A hunter shot a duck near Tallahassee, Florida. Thinking it dead, he popped it in the fridge. A couple of days later his wife opened the fridge (what?s she been doing in the meantime? What was she living on?) and the duck lifted its head and uttered a mournful ?quack?.

Actually, I lied about the ?quack? but it sounds better .

The wife, somewhat taken aback, took the duck to an animal hospital and subsequently to the Goose Creek Animal Sanctuary. They reckon it?s got a 75% chance of survival.

Local veterinarian, David Hale, said ?This is an extremely tough duck with a lot of spirit to live?this shows how tough and adaptable wildlife are.?

Or possibly it suggests that Florida wildlife is too dumb to know when it?s dead.

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make
the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead
folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action
poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and
breast implants... WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme
attack of "the willies."

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45
bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor
mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs
*us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor
mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'bl0wj0b', and that's only two syllables."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "

Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Ah, Computers!

We've all seen the Bill Gates line*, "640K [of RAM] ought to be enough for
anybody", so how about some wisdom from others who were a tad more accurate?
*though he denies saying it: see Wired on the subject.
-----
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe

A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their
sex organs. --Solomon Short

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them
together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM
maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk
to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. --Robert
Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one that
can be mass produced with unskilled labor. --Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H. Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. --Gene Spafford

Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now! --Homer Simpson

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

And as they always tell you a woman is never wrong. :D

Col ]:)

Why do aussie sheep farmers wear long bush shirts?
So the sheep cant hear the zip going down

And Monday was much too quiet for my liking so in an attempt to have a good day like I have vague memories of from two weeks ago, in fact even Friday was too quiet so I'll try my best but I cant do it without your help!!

Training Courses Now Available for Men:
=============================

= > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
= > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
= > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
= > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
= > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
= > 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
= > 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
= > 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
= > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
= > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
= > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
= > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
= > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
= > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
= > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
= > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
= > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
= > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
= > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
= > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
= > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
= > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
= > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
= > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
= > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
= > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
= > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

I'm thinking of sending mine on 1, 6 and 11 just to start of and then see how he progresses from there :p

--------------------------------------------
Reasons computers must be male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is always just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

It is always necessary to have a backup.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

---------------------------------------------

Once upon a time....these three guys are out having a relaxing
day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set
free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just
doesn't believe it, and says:
"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and
analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to
the mermaid:
"Wow, can you triple my I.Q.?" The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to
problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields:
physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,
that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at
him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds
when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five,
and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please, " says the mermaid
"You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on
the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars,
anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having
his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed
and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.

---------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

Put one of the courses that I went on to good use.

"How to hit where it hurts"
or
"How to mentally damage men"

But I thought that seen as mine were better I'd just leave him to it :p

We were having a party just before Xmas, and invariably, someone dropped the "size matters" line.
Immediately, there were loud protestations about that being untrue and so on until I gave in and delivered the expected line:
"It's not the size that counts, but how you use it!"
My wife looked at me and said, very innocently;
"Honey, it's not how big it is, or how you use it: It's WHERE you get to use it that counts!" With that, she kissed my cheek and sashayed upstairs. Needless to say, I didn't see the end of the party ;)