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Friday Yuk

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by heml0ck 2 views

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

My apologies if there already is one, but I look forward to this all week...

Here we go:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "Don't!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Way!"

"Do Not eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

30 replies

by gadgetgirl

I thought I just hadn't had time for a proper look for the yuk, or I would have obliged....!

(Then again, it's Friday and I just may have been in dippy tart mode and not looking properly! :p )

-------------------------------------------

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies:
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu sssell aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds,
"Yes we do".

The old woman asks:
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww tttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe dddaaaaammmmmnnnnn ttthingggg offffff?"

Have a good weekend, all!

GG

by heml0ck

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

by oz_media

"Politically correct"

While this would be unacceptable in the USA (though they are the most politically offensive country on Earth), In Canada it seems okay (as your other post demonstrates). POLITICALLY incorrect would be directly aimed at the politics of teh country involved, believe me, in the UK this ouwld be just fine. Not many people with stick-in-bum syndrome there.

I find that in the US but even quote a few people in Canada, people are so set on being politically correct, yet everythng in their society/lives consists of a lack of manners, class or style. They simply have no ideqa what is PC and what is not. It seems that bad manners and public rudeness is acceptable, but a poltitician offering a finger or slapping someone is unacceptable.

Someone can be as rude, classless and offensive as they want, but if someone says 'black man' in a non-derogatory way, it is unacceptable.

I just ignore it most of the time, some people think eating with a fist on your fork and changing hands with the knife to cut food is actually good manners. Others are repulsed by it, but have no issue with seeing a boob on TV or in a newspaper.

Some have no table manners at all, btu scream blue murder when (for example) Janet Jackson's boob is exposed for a split second on national TV.

I am a person who feels my own manners and etiquette in public is important, but I couldn' tcare less if a PM was to kick his opponent in the nuts.

I suppose it's all down to personal pride and responsibility, some people expect OTHERS to show such consideration or responsibility while they don't see the issues they have themselves.

by rob mekel

It was Friday, I guess late, having some drinks before posting or ...
you had a strange kinda keyboard :D ;)

Rob

by heml0ck

A couple of F-15's fighters are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the old transport plane to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective
aircraft.

The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.

After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."

by oz_media

Priceless! Almost as good as when cretien choked the crap out of some bystander in the way and took him down. I think he was demonstrating proper crowd control to the RCMP that were supposed to be protecting him.

Yeah, our politicians seem to spend less time spinning stories to make people dislike their opponent, they just tell them to FO in public instead. Gets the point across without the BS.

by hal 9000

We are supposed to have [b]Truth In Advertising[/b] the Broadcasting Review Panel scrutinies every add that goes to air and make sure that the details are all prefect and correct. Then we have the Political Adds where if there is any element of truth in one it's removed immediately. :^0

Apparently Political Advertising is the only form of advertising where you are given lies to sallow and if there is even the merest hint of truth in a Political Add it's unacceptable. :D

Got to love the Pollutes as no one else will. :p

Col

by jaqui

He was just following in Trudeau's footsteps.
Trudeau tossed the finger to the press while on a cross country Train tour.

by rob mekel

Was thinking that there wasn't any.

but here is an other one

---------------------
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"
-------------------

Have fun all and a very good weekend.
Rob

by rob mekel

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Rob

by hal 9000

This one is just too good not to. ]:)

This is not a joke... If you can pass, you can safely turn on your

ignition key again and cancel your annual eye examination...

Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once you've found the C..........

Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6...

Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N...
make a wish!

OK, now that you've made a wish, it will come true.....all you have to
do is send this on saying, "Can you find the C?"

[b]Warning if you an not find the C, 6 & N within 30 seconds you should immediately destroy your drivers license and put your vehicles up for sale to the fastest bidder as you are a menace on the road and should not be allowed to drive.[/b]

If you took over 20 seconds to find the C,6 & N you should book in for your weekly eye appointment immediately to prevent any collisions that you will cause.

If you found the C, 6 & N in under 10 seconds you are a Lier and must have your drivers license destroyed immediacy and your vehicles disposed of as well within 20 minutes. :^0

Have a greet Weekend everyone. But only after you've found the [b]C 6 & N.[/b] :D

Col ]:)
[i]edited because I forgot the warnings about when you can not find the different letters & Number.[/i] :p

by oz_media

the C and 6 were blatantly obvious at first glance, the N took a few more seconds as it didn't turn up in a gaze but required scanning the rows individually.

Wouldn't be the first time a TR post has made me want to scratch my eyes out though.

by Former member

took me the longest and had to scan each row almost, the 6 and N i found almost immediately.

by oz_media

the 0's and M's on my screen are identically lined up and spaced. Adding a fine line down the right margin has it lining up with all the row ends perfectly.

The M's have one row thats about 10 M's longer, but it's not with the N in it.

by oz_media

I cant type to save my life. That's why I have a copy editor for my day to day work.

by oz_media

Because the dog is smarter than the tail.

If the tail was smarter, it would wag the dog. (Wag The Dog, great movie.)

It's funny how people would see that as pure fiction, just a grand story; only because believing such things would debunk all your trust in the government (if you were one of those who trust your government).

It's like people who have strong religious values, you could turn up facts proving a specific claim to be incorrect, but it will never be accepted as those who rely on it for faith would be lost.

Coming full circle, people believe what the government tells them about war, the enemy, successes etc. Only because to disbelieve or question it would be to disbelieve or question your own beliefs and morals. Some people can't stand adjustign their opinion as they age, grown and learn. That's the reason so many people get stuck in the times.

Fear to accept question.

by oz_media

hat debunks your alignment comment does it not? They all look the same to me, again after tracing a pinstripe on it.

by oz_media

Always a political sideshow. Even the politicians don't take their jobs for more than they are.

by rob mekel

Looks to me Canada is falling apart :(
First recognition of the independent Canadian state of Quebec ... ce qui sera prochain?

Rob

by jamesrl

The whole of the resolution recognises the status of Quebec as a nation within a united Canada. Canada is the state, Quebec has been a nation, whether anyone recognises it in law or not, since it was founded in the 1600s. We recognise the "First Nations", why not Quebec.

In fact the pronouncement has no impact on any laws. We already grant provinces the right to opt out of certain programs, and Quebec has most often used this provision.

In some ways it took a lot of wind out of the separatist sails.

James

by oz_media

Canada falling aopart? Because of one province wantign to become a nation? This is old news, not new.

Western Canada doesn't really acknowledge the east, and neither do they us, we may as well be separate nations. Who gives a crap what they do? they will want the maritimes too of course, large French population there (which is a bit of a bummer because people in the 'Times are great folk!) I have offered numerous times to help dig the ditch and push Quebec out through Hudsons Bay, 'c'ya, wouldn't want to be ya.'

You want to see a separate nation that would do in Canada, what if Alberta and BC separated? This is where the fruit of Canada is now, not Quebec (they just THINK Canada revolves around them). In fact I have 4 french Canadians in my office today, looking to move busines out west where the money is.

Tabernac, c'est la vie!

by heml0ck

it's particularily nebulous as no one can seem to agree on what constitutes the Quebec nation...

by oz_media

You wanna be part of the Nation of Quebec? Have at 'er.

Who really cares? I guess if it was a state that wanted to leave the union and be recognized as an independant nation, then it would be the end of the free world though.

by jamesrl

One definition of nation (dictionary.com); an aggregation of persons of the same ethnic family, often speaking the same language or cognate languages.

That pretty much describes Quebec.

Quebec was a colony that was taken over by English (and many Americans like George Washington fought for the British), and then given rights to retain their language, legal system and educational system by a generous conqueror. Its easy for immigrants like you :) to come in and see it another way, but they came into Canada with one deal and over time, they see that things are swinging the other way.

Most of them do not want full independance. Even many of those who voted Yes last time didn't want full independance. They want more power for their province and more autonomy - and gee last time I looked thats what Alberta wants too. BTW the most hard core sepraratists I've ever met were from Alberta.

James

by tonythetiger

since the 'N' line is not the one with the missing return. It may be a difference in browsers or even countries, but the N line is definitely shorter here (as is the 'C' line in the other one... there is no difference between the '6' and the '9'). Could it be you have a monospaced font in your browser?

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