Bathing the Cat- Method One
A 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous task.
You will need:
A cat (obviously).
A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).
200 meters of band aids.
Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.
Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.
5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).
A strong death wish
A litre or more of the Spirit of your choice
Getting Started.
First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:
1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat claws.
2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin off your body.
3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.
4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.
Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, catbathing.
STEP 1
Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat's throat. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP THE STINKER AND RUN!
STEP 2
Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of 'em. Check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your soul in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.
STEP 3
Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed on young human specimens. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what I mean.
STEP 4
Try to throw cat into bathtub.
Remove cat from scalp.
Consider getting a new cat.
Push cat into tub.
Pour large stiff drink. Consume quickly- you don?t have much time here
Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
Consider getting a new cat.
Put duct tape on cat's claws.
Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends reproductive organs.
Consider getting a new cat.
Pour another large stiff drink. Offer one to your friend- he needs it
Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up.
Remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: Very hard).
Consider getting a new cat.
Pour another large stiff drink. For some reason, the alcohol will cloud your mind and keep you from abandoning the project altogether
Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.
Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon
Consider getting a new cat.
Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
Consider getting a dog.
STEP 5
Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call the Guinness Book. They will need verification.
Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner.
Cat Bathing as a Martial Art- Method Two
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better!
,/| _.--''^``-...___.._.,;
/, \'. _-' ,--,,,--'''
{ \ `_-'' ' /}
`;;' ; ; ;
._..--'' ._,,, _..' .;.'
(,_....----''' (,..--''
How to give a cat a bath- Method Three
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Quickly. You may need to stand on the lid as the cat will be reaching out with claws extended trying to get purchase on anything- and your body is a likely candidate.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
How to Give A Cat A Pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
