Friday Yuk

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Have a great week end everyone I'm going to continue to develop plans on torturing MS Staff who insist that it's better to waste 2 days to fix a problem than a reload can do in 1 hour. :(

Apparently we all have nothing better to do than sit waiting on [b]Hold[/b] for their [b]Pearls of Wisdom like that's not a WGA Issue so I'm going to have to start off a New Case Number.[/b]

Col ]:)

[b]Become a MS Terrorist today and fly your favorite brand of Linux or BSD into Redmond's front door.![/b] :^0

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino,and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole.

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were among the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

My wife doesn't complain very often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Honey, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was saying, "I'm sorry dear, but what was that you were saying?"

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you," says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A gorilla walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here, you know." The gorilla says, "At $10 a beer, that's not hard to figure!"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says,
"Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as
he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of
his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy
bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows
covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite
some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately
touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the
display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized
bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous
bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange
for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of
Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking
and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Maybe, this
guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my
children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive?
guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

It needs to be a leader not a follower so it's far easier to attempt to grab someone's else indentity than it is to create your own one. After all when this Git went to school and got all those Certificates that part wasn't in the Curriculum was it? :D

Col ]:)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"