Friday Yuk - do you still do these?

My 10-year old daughter drops a bomb at Sunday dinner:

"I'm not a virgin any more ..."

I turn to the wife: "That's your fault, you slut! Always flirting with other men, commenting on all the well-built men on telly, swearing like a trooper!"

I turn to my 17-year-old daughter: "And you, you're to blame as well! You shag any bloke with a dick, right in front of your little sister. Don't think I don't know about all the sex toys in the drawer of your bedside table!"

The wife turns to me: "Shut the fuck up! You spend half your wages on whores, groping them just before you come in the front door even if our wee daughter is watching. Since we got a DVD player, all you watch is porn! Even when our daughter's in the room! And I won't even mention the fucking PC and internet. Then there's your secretary who calls up and speaks to our daughter right after sucking your dick in the office ..."

The wife turns to our 10-year-old: "How could that happen, darling? Did someone seduce you, some boy at school?"

"No, Mum," she says. "The teacher just changed the cast in our Easter play. I'm not a virgin any more, just someone who cries near Jesus on the cross."

A couple of members of the local Church knocked on my door today to invite me to an Easter prayer meeting. She handed me a leaflet saying "Jesus is Lord" but before she could start talking I cut her off saying, "look, if you can prove to me that God exists then I'll join your Church right now". Then took a step back feeling rather smug.

"Well", she said "you can't see Oxygen but you still believe in that, you prove to me that Oxygen exists!".

So I choked her.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Why did God have to create himself in order to sacrifice himself to himself to change a rule that he created himself and then raise himself from the dead to bring himself back to himself again to prove that he was himself to save humanity from himself?

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!! !

He is greeted by St. Peter and the angels, ushered to his luxurious townhouse, and given the keys to a new Lancia.

The next day, he's out driving around, checking out heaven, the GPS in the Lancia, and the Lancia itself, when he is stopped by a parade of several motorcycles and SUVs bracketing a limousine. Curious, he follows the motorcade to a luxurious mansion with almost the best view in heaven.

Curious, he asks a passing angel who the occupant of the limousine was. The angel said "That was Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr."

Astounded the pope wonders "Who was he and what did he do? I was the Pope, and I got a townhouse and a car, but nothing like this!"

The angel replied, "Well, Your Holiness, we have a lot of Popes here in heaven. But Mr. Justice Holmes was our first lawyer!

A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,

He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,

"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months"

Every once in a while, someone will start one, it just doesn't seem to happen as much as it used to; which is a shame. So feel free to start one, I'm sure everyone appreciates a good giggle.

People your age

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old.

Well . . . You’ll love this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school. “Yes, I did. I 'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “in 1967; why do you ask?” You were in my class, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced,
fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

I can never resist. :D

Turkey's not an Easter dinner tradition anywhere I know of. It's Ham, Ham, Ham!

Ham tends to bother our stomachs. My whole family has heart burn problems.

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma"?

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Happy Easter!

Didn't get a crop last year because we had a really bad summer. Naga Bhut Jolokia, Dorset variety, are what's in my propagator. The Ghost Chilli. aka the Death Chilli but I think that's going too far. They won't kill you, you'll just wish you were dead...

Stir away. I haven't had a good religious argument for ages. A couple came round on friday to invite me to a prayer meeting. I did explain that I was an evangelising atheist but they were so nice, we talked about the weather and all departed smiling. Never done THAT before! They usually end up backing away from me...

Buy shares in Tums and eat what pleases you. I just haven't heard of turkey as an Easter tradition but, in your case, I suppose there's a more than valid reason. Turkey gives me the farts and puts me to sleep though, not a great combo for family get togethers. :)

It's the best solution.