Friday Yuk -- New Element Discoverd

How do you give a rednect a vasectomy?
put an M80 in a can, light the fuse, give it to him and ask him to count to ten.

I remebered this after reading your coircumsize joke from last week. LOL

If I may, "morons" and "peons" sound more like particles than forces, but accuracy doesn't need to spoil the joke, because real particles are known to [u]mediate[/u] forces. Photons "tell" distant charged particles where other charged particles are, for example. So, when I re-tell this joke, the last sentence will go:

[i]The 312 particles are held together by a force called incompeticity, which is mediated by a filmy puddle of morons surrounded by vast quantities of peons.[/i]

I hope you don't mind! :^0

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so
we're just waiting.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your
breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the
empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves
you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson
flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a
woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys
spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs
around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials
wit babies are
"cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a
while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
instead of
"doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
lesbian folk music on
your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a
BEER, it won't think
you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between
shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share
your enthusiasm for
getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic
Games in
Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the
BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes'
Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery
store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read
Penthouse "just for
the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of
it.)

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and
with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.
[b]The moral of the story? :

[i]When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!![/i]

Dawg[/b] ]:)

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here
often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?"
asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumpers walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the
bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have
asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long
face?" A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign
substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the
same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father
been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look
like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a
beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're
out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them
and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet
is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Ren? Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him
if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he
disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a
packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says,
"That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in
here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to
understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we
don't serve food in here."

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a
Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin'
fer the man that shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the
bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a
celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The
bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The
man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man
reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man
says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies,
"He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The
guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you
staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell
the place."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender
says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or
driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the
quickest way," says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits
down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And
the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care
of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The
bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that
inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the
dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble
starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says,
"Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one
and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble
starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble
going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I
tell you that I don't have any money."

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing
poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the
bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a
good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of
brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and
boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff
arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive
30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the
other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The
guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender
asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas
time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says,
"That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are
all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says
right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped
the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw
that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips
later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls
the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him.
"I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a
soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender,
indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the
peanuts--they're complementary."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and
one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until
the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets
up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave
that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion,
it's a giraffe."

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender
says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!
Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the
sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is
embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day,
the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I
got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and
sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed!
You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign
because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender
replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye
dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and
swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what
are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just
looking around."

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him,
"What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and
she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month
is up today."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket
and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still
another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are
you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture
of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to
go home."

> Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
> violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
> "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
>
> Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
> across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
>
> After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
> "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
>
> Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
> able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
> "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
> the river"
>
> Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
> hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
>

> "If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

A woman goes to the doctors and says, "please can you help me, I?ve got three vaginas."

The doctor says, "OK, let's have a look then shall we?". He takes a look and sure enough, the woman has three vaginas.

So he takes a sticking-plaster and puts it on the left one. Then he takes another sticking-plaster and puts it on the right one.

The woman looks confused, "will this make them heal up and go away?", she asks.

"Oh, no", he replies, "but it will stop you getting fukt left right and centre".

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have t o spe a k German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop

A Really Ugly Woman

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look
alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply..."The word is 'celebrate.'"

---------------
Have a great weekend all :0
Rob

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn?t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband?s help.

When I got home I couldn?t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn?t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he?d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don?t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

man impress a woman:
take her out to dinner at an exclusive restaurant and have violinist serenade her. follow that with a show at the theatre and then a long walk while you discuss your thoughts an feelings as a couple making sure that she feels involved in the conversation. then go back to her home and give her a massage followed by sensitive lovemaking and cuddle with her for the rest of the night.

woman impress a man:
Show up naked, bring food.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just remind myself that it is only money.

All the things that count are going just great. :D
[b]
Another advantage of ugly over bitch, that is why lights can be turned off..... :^0

Just in case you missed the news over the last 48 hours, the world of comedy lost their No.1 Prankster. I?m sure he?ll be laughing at these funnies below, as well as the attachment above and below ? enjoy.....

What?s got one face, one big hand, one small hand, winds up and has stopped working ? Jeremy Beadle

NEWSFLASH!! It is now believed that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in his own death

Jeremy Beadle?s family have asked that rather than holding a minutes silence at his funeral, mourners should just give him a big hand

After Jeremy Beadle?s funeral, his family will be holding a wake, where food will be available ? nothing too lavish, just a small finger buffet

Jeremy Beadle R.I.P. Time of death 19.00 ? the big hand was on 12, and the little hand on 7

Jeremy Beadle?s last request was that his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back late Summer with ?Watch out, Beadle?s a sprout.?

trying to apply LOGIC and REASON to the thought processes of women. silly boy, you should know better by now.

At least we got the secret to getting mommy parts this week, so it hasn't been a total loss! B-)

You are making no sense whatsoever. Real Men, in Ca. dont listen to show tunes either!!!

AND
There are Plenty of real men in Ca. You got your facts wrong again JD.

Wishing and actualities are not the same thing.
You should get a handle on your delusions a bit...

Those handicapped signs at the entrances to buildings and such have braille at the bottom... [b]How are blind people supposed to know where the sign is?[/b]

And how do we know that the braille writing says the same thing the sign does.... maybe they all say the same thing...

[i]"I don't know how on earth you managed to find this sign!"[/i]
:)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I didn't particularly want to see the Beadle ones. I had a whole bunch in my email that I deleted unread. Poor guy had cancer - cured - then leukaemia - cured - then died of pneumonia at the age of 59. All this on top of the life-long illness that gave him a shrunken right side and hand.

Despite this lot, he always came over as a really nice guy who made crap TV programmes. I used to listen to him on his Talk Radio programme when I was out driving and thought he did a good show.

What surprises me is why anyone would post such mindless crap but what really is strange is why anyone would post it on a website where 95% of the readers wouldn't even understand it!

Sometimes, the wrong people die.

Neil :)

Ok, this one requires a YouTube login, so I will just tell you what to search for. But it is funny!

Go to youtube.com and search for

"Hooters is second best"

P.S. -- Just to mention -- not at work (I was not given this info, just an email attachment).

From Standing Up GG all that time ago. :D

It's nice to know not to upset GG as I don't like the continences that you are currently suffering. :^0

I just hope that GG doesn't take your above post as a comment about her being a Elephant or you'll be suffering even longer. :(

Col ]:)

One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
"contagious" in a phrase.

Sarah lifts up her hand and says, "Teacher, teacher I got one!!"
"A cold is contagious!"

The teacher is very happy.

Tommy lifts up his hand and says,
"Teacher... yawning is contagious"...

"That's pretty good Tom!!

Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

" Oh...Oh...I got one...The other day, as my mother was mowing the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take that contagious to finish!!"

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I ran across this, and thought to share. I know, it is bad, but deal with it!

The Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all! I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

[i]WARNING FOR ALL OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVES out there..- DON'T whatever you do, start this unless you want to write off the rest of your day[/i]

[b]THINK YOU CAN FLY A HELICOPTER ?[/b]

Read directions first before you start..
You must hold the left mouse button down to go up...release to go down...MOST DIFFICULT

Some people have worn their finger out on this. If you are working for a living, do not forward to your co-workers.. The rest of the day will be useless to the company..

Think you can fly a helicopter? Click on the link below and give it a whirl!

Click on this: > http://tinyurl.com/7pry

after all, the "riot" that started the "gay rights" movement was at the Transsexual bar "Stonewall pub" in NEW YORK.

So logically, it's everyone on the east coast thats male is becoming female. ]:)
[ go figger, Washington DC is on the east coast ] ]:)

put a bit of tin up against the wall.
stand back about 100 feet.
load the 20 gauge shotgun with bird pellets
fire at tin.

instant braille sign. ]:)

turn me on!!!

I wonder if it could be because you live in the "Show Me State".

to mess with them, and kill their characters while they are playing games. A few 'oops' mouse moves and/or a few 'oops' grenade tosses and viola, you feel better....
However, if they get like that German kid on youtube, smack them around a bit more...

I was building irony... yeah, that's what I was doing, yeah. I think you're giving me more credit than my meager 141 IQ can accept... either that, or you just think too much.

My favorite example of irony is still a very pregnant 16 year old black high school student named CleShay (all too true).

Just skip straight to the smacking them around a bit more... especially the teenagers... I'm sure they've done SOMETHING to deserve it... given that they're both boys.

Nah... my 16 year old pretends he's still intimidated by his momma but I'm pretty sure my little 6'4" 320 lb offensive lineman can kick my A$$. :S

[i]edited to fix the smiley[/i]