After Hours
by ontheropes
by boxfiddler Hot topic
that is the funniest bit I have read in a good long while.
:D
by w2ktechman
by ontheropes
by w2ktechman
Breaking News:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else getting screwed
the same time you do!!!
by nicknielsen
by hal 9000
They are charging admission for the Midday Show right? :0
OH that was a Semi that rolled in to be filled was it? :p
Col
by w2ktechman
by jamesrl
At Esso stations in Canada (Exxon) we have LCD screens that stay static until you start to pump gas, then they play commercials and provide basic news.
Since this happens after you put in your credit card, how long till someone taylors your viewing to your "preferences"?
JD would get commericials for Broadway musicals, for example.
James
Hmmm -- I wonder what ads would come my way??
I am certain NOT to get musicals....
Hmmm -- does it get the GG cam??
by nicknielsen
by boxfiddler Hot topic
The 84 Year Old Bride
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married ? for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband?s occupation.
?He?s a funeral director,? she answered.
?Interesting?, the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn?t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20?s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40?s, later on a preacher when in her 60?s, and now, in her 80?s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
?Easy, son?, she smiled.
?I married one for the money,? two for the show,? three to get ready,? and four to go!?
by the 'g-man.'
by ontheropes
"doomsday predictions led believers to buy emergency food and supplies from a company that Hawkins owns personally, Life Nutrition Products."
Aha!
Neil :^0
by w2ktechman
What bad news :0 -- wait a minute... Oh Yeah, this guy is a control freak and a nutjob!
The Nuclear War will start in 2 more years!!!
by gsg
Sheesh.. Everyone knows that the world will end on December 21, 2012! Just ask the Mayans! Oh wait, no, you can't ask them since they were decimated. Anyway, their calendar says the world is coming to an end on that date.
Hmm... maybe I should change my name to Hawkins as well.
by boxfiddler Hot topic
that is when the entire Herem is at their cycle and all hell will break loose :0
Oops -- did I just go there???
by nicknielsen
by nicknielsen
blowing up the bridge ahead
:^0
by mojodelirium
posted this video. Nonetheless, it's hilarious.
by mojodelirium
become a better Christian. This video shows why I won't follow her advice. (Make sure you wait until after the one minute mark...you may throw up a little in your mouth).
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/01/fat-man-sings-in-baby-voice-for-jesus/
by ontheropes
by pringles86
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
by jck
it was from Nostrodamus (did I spell it right?? Ahh who cares) predictions (2k), then the actual date (calendar was off by a few years)(science/religion), then Hawkins(oops #1), now Hawkins (Oops#2), then Scummys (in 2 years sometime) and finally the Mayans.
Hmmm -- lots of predictions -- but no end in sight (well, except for us Americans when another dumba$$ gets power).
by gsg
He can't be any worse than what we have. "w" is generally considered to be the worst president in history. He's a direct descendent of Franklin Pierce, who was also considered to be one of the worst presidents in history.
Heck, anything will be better
by shellbot
John and his boat
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobs out to here, Dave. boobs out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... boobs out to here, Dave. boobs out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Dave. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said "It's either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and..... She had a d1ck, Dave! She had this great BIG d1ck! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"
by shellbot
A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen.
?Careful,? he said, ?CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!?
The wife stared at him. ?What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs??
The husband calmly replied, ?I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
by boxfiddler Hot topic
personally, I think I would have screamed "More Pepper" and possibly "More Tobasco"
not much of a salt freak myself...
by shellbot
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in ?20, even though it's only for ?32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay ?2 for a ?1 item he needs.
A woman will pay ?1 for a ?2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
by jdclyde
What is the difference between a wife and work?
After 10 years the work will still suck...
by shellbot
This discussion is closed to new replies.
Sort by Trending