The Mambo Friday Yuk

Not impure, but still contains a lesson...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Best I could do. I'm actually having to WORK at the moment!

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ""Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her.
As she passed the 10th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ""Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I screw! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary and, as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t:ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first got a total make-over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her
hair done, new make-up and bought several new outfits, and dressed up very
nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of
golf clubs, some new tech gadgets, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much
Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the
$5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint
account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

And then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

just for Mambo the Pure..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHqv8YAA9w

Oh, and for any of you guys out there, it offers a perfect excuse if you happen to have, well, you know...a size issue.

A sailor gets shore leave for the first time in over 3 months. He goes from bar to bar, drinking and celebrating, telling his mates that he's going to the brothel to get laid.
When he finally arrives at the brothel, he discovers to his horror that he only has twenty bucks. He decides to press his luck and speaks to the madam.
"How much for a screw?" he asks.
"$100" replies the madam.
"How much for a bl@w job?" he asks.
"$60" is the answer.
"How much for a hand job?"
"$40" replies the madam.
"$40?!" cries the sailor. "C'mon lady, gimme a break! I've been at sea for three months and only have twenty dollars! Can you help a fellow out?"
"Well," says the madam. "I'll see if any of the girls are available and will hand it to you for twenty bucks."
The madam finally finds a willing girl and sends the sailor on his way.
"How did it go with that sailor last night?" asks the madam. "He didn't give you any trouble did he?"
"Well, no.... not exactly," says the girl.
"Whaddya mean 'not exactly'?" says the madam.
"Well remember I said I'd give him a handy for twenty bucks?"
"Yes yes, what happened?" demanded the madam.
"Well, he paid me the twenty bucks and took his pecker out."

"Yes, go on!"

"Well, I got one hand around it..."

"Yes?!"

"Then I got the other hand around it..."

"YES!?!?"

"Then I loaned him eighty bucks!"

edit:typo

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

5 Important Business Concepts

Corporate Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his
wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife
quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens
the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says
a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
&nb sp;was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2: A Reverend offered a lift to a Church lady.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a very
well turned leg
The Reverend nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
slowly laid his hand on her leg. The church lady said, "Reverend,
remember Psalm 129?" His hand quickly fell away.
As the ride continued, so did the temptation until once more he laid
his hand on her leg and once again the church lady said, "Reverend,
remember Psalm 129?"
The Reverend apologized "I am so sorry that my flesh is so weak."
Arriving at back at the church, the church lady went on her way.
As quickly as he could the reverend rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each
of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK,
you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the crow, and rested. Along came a fox, who jumped
on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up. ;

Corporate Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love
to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my
droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree From there he was
able reach a higher branch until finally he was perched on the top
branch of the tree. He could see for miles
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh?t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
Chardonnay."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

I'm with you people now, check it out:

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pu$$y willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

Quote of the Day:
?It?s been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the
name ?Rudolph Giuliani? so other candidates don?t use his name
in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton
has trademarked the words ?Ball-Buster,? ?Castrator? and
?Nut-Cruncher?.?

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)
~
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
~
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
~
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
~
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
~
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
~
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

T~ower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
~
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."
~
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."
~
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~

ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like -- night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So he said "I"m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You"ve been promoted." And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You"ve been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You"re managing director." And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I Said "I careered off the road.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Of a laugh

So I thought I'd breathe some life into the Yuk and hopefully people will follow suit and tell me funny things :D

_________________________________________

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

____________________________________________

Just in case you need proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

__________________________________________

An Irishman is really, really drunk,(nothing unusual there eh) so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

_____________________________________________

And Just so I don't get kicked out of the Impure Brigade....

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
_____________________________________

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

GG it looks like your years work is complete

http://tinyurl.com/yrvg5w

Now as you have made it your mission for the past 12 months your not allowed to be upset about it now!

i think i need to get new glasses, cause obviously i can't read anymore..

how did i miss this post??

but whatever, well..someone has to do something Steff!!!

and "I enjoy myself faaaaaaaar too often!"

]:)

If you don't stop that you'll go blind.....

James

this blindess thing, has anyone EVER gone blind from it?

Even though its obviously a myth..
Do guys secretly worry about this? Would a guy go to the Dr if his eyesight was getting worse and say "well doc..i been going at a lot and i think i'm going blind."

If GG went pure, I'd be imagining her dressed like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz and then the thoughts that swarmed around in my little brain would cause permanent biochemical changes and there'd be no hope of me EVER getting out of the Impure Brigade.

(Hmmmmmm......gingham skirt.......ruby slippers......ponytails......ahhhh, ahhh. That's better! Gotta go have a nap now.)

:D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0

Now that I've got that out of my system what do you think poor old DM would do and could he handle the fact that GG has turned all pure on him? :p

Personally I think that he likes complaining about your membership of the [b]Gutter Brigade[/b] so he has something to complain about. After all a [b]Good Girl[/b] would never stoop to that level would they. :D

But as my father used to say [b]There is no such thing as a Good Girl there are only Bad Girls and Better Girls [i]That's better at being Bad.[/b][/i] So GG it's hard wired into your brain to be bad and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change your ways. :)

Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't it knowing that it's not your fault that you are who you are. B-)

Col ]:)