The virtual shed

Take 2

I started my first blog entry a few days  ago. I wrote some brilliant topical prose concerning IT, networking and the meaning of life. I checked for typos and content and then, in a feat of absolute stupidity, promptly arrowed IE back a screen and lost the lot. Well it probably wasn't all that wonderful after all as I can't remember a single word.

This leads me to one of my favourite maxims of IT ...

'There are two kinds of people in this world

.....  Those who have lost data,    and those who are going to'.    

(must remember to save work this time) 

(Phew,  that's better)

Well that's it. I've said it,  and also I can conform that I am definitely in the first camp.

Speaking of kinds of people in the world, here are a couple more definitions.

• There are only 10 kinds of people in the world . . . . . . . . . . . . . those who understand binary and those who don't.
• There are only three kinds on people in the world . . . . . . . . . . . those who can count and those who can't.
• There are only two kinds of people in the world . . . . . . . . . . . . . Those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't

I'm a bit crook today - (Aussie-speak for "I am unwell") - and am penning this diatribe from the home office.

Once upon a time a day off meant recuperation without any concern for the cares of work. Today I lasted until 1:07 before I succumbed to checking my work e.mail, dispatching some overdue e.correspondence, tendered apologies for missed work appointments and assuaging my guilty conscience for not being at the office.

In fact I can do about 50% of my work without travelling more than 10 paces from my bed. Is this where my profession and our society is headed?  A bedroom-led economic boom! If so, early retirement and it's associated leisure may not turn out as expecteded. I can visualise a much older me with walking frame and hearing aids sitting in a dressing gown at my home office computer transacting a 4 or 5 hour work day and managing some far distant IT resources. There certainly will be no shortage of work. Imagine all those other old codgers forgetting their e.mail account passwords 3 times a day.

What is a virtual shed

Understanding of what is a virtual shed is only reached via a more general discussion on sheds

In past generations, the suburban husband's only castle and domain was his shed (at least this has been the case in Australia). The shed may have been cupboard or small office in an apartment, a garden or tool shed (if the home was larger) or may have been large and sprawling on a farm or at a holiday house. My father's shed on the farm was larger than the house.

In the shed, a man was king. It was as tidy or messy as he decreed. it usually contained half-completed projects, specialised (usually broken) tools and containers of stuff that were too valuable to throw out - like half tins of paint, bits for bicycles, assorted nails, nuts and bolts. A wife or partner was not welcome in the shed and any children were only tolerated as long as they kept their hands to themselves or were prepared to help out with a project (when older). The well appointed shed would be powered (wired up by one or one's mate without recourse to electricity authority rules, regs or inspection) and may even boast a kind of kitchen (beer fridge, electric kettle, toaster and barbeque). Superior sheds may even be plumbed (tap and/or toilet) and wired for sound (an old radiogram - circa 1962 or stereo  - early 70's with only one speaker working).

The defining points of the shed were :-

• a shed is a male domain
• everything in the shed is useful - nothing is wilfully thrown away
• the owner of the shed values it's contents far greater than would anyone else
• some of the stuff in the shed got there buy doubtful means (like the power and water services)
• the shed is not attractive or well maintained
• a shed reflects it's occupant's character
• there is never enough room in the shed

The evolution of sheds in the 21st century - the virtual shed

The coming of the information age has resulted in an ever increasing number of adult males employed in white collar professions. Many 2nd generation information workers possess few manual skills and even fewer opportunities to practice them. Mechanical auto repairs are now the domain of the expert, few if any savings can made by making things yourself versus buying them and tightened regulations mean that 'iffy' constructions and projects are at risk of detection and prosecution.  The rise in popularity of DIY and home make-over TV programs have resulted on a huge increase in the number of females swarming through hardware stores, recycling centres and decorating shops. Every one of these women knows what she wants, where to find the tools and materials and now has the skills to complete the job better than most men.

So what is the modern 'information' man to do to regain his space?

The answer of course is 'the home network' or as I prefer to term it 'the virtual shed'!

A virtual shed has the following properties :-

• a virtual shed is a male domain
• everything in the virtual shed is useful - nothing is wilfully thrown away
• the owner of the virtual shed values it's contents far greater than would anyone else
• some of the stuff in the virtual shed got there buy doubtful means (like the certain tools and applications)
• the virtual shed is not attractive or well maintained
• a virtual shed reflects it's occupant's character
• there is never enough room in the virtual shed

Virtual sheds have spontaneously popped up throughout global suburbia in the last 15 years. They are as varied as their backyard counterparts and they are defining today's masculinity.  (now there's a thought ....  A virtual shed in a shed!)

In part II I will explore the construction of virtual sheds

How to construct a virtual shed - planning and building

Constructing a virtual shed is the same as any other architectural structure. You need a plan, a place to put it, materials, tools, labour, services and a good deal of beer.

Most virtual shed architects don't have much choice over the location for their virtual shed. If you are already building a new house (like me) then the plans for the virtual shed can be more sophisticated. If you already have a house or a renting then your choices of design are necessarily more limited. This however should not stop you going ahead with the planning stage as it can be a lot of fun, is a great conversation starter and sustainer amongst you and your mates, is quite cheap and it is invariably accompanied by a lot of beer drinking.

The virtual shed design phase will include such things as selecting and amassing the computer and network hardware (preferably in a large cardboard box in the garage), choosing suitable locations in your home for the virtual shed and planning the network topology. Other items to consider include provision of mains power and ISP connection points as well as sundry comfort items such as airconditioning and/or heating, telephone services, the distance to refrigerator and pantry and access to radio or television. It is best to locate the majority of your virtual shed in a room of it's own with a closing door in the interest of continued domestic harmony.

When I built my house I installed a 16 port patch panel in the storeroom off the kitchen and reticulated Cat5 UTP cable to all bedrooms (one point for each), family and games room (again one point for each) and two data points into my study. I had the telephone installer connect phone services to three of the unused patch panel ports so that telephone extensions could be patched into different rooms. The ADSL router/modem/hub was installed in the storeroom and so ISP connection can be reticulated to most rooms. It soon became evident that eight data points is nowhere near enough for a virtual shed. My recommendation is that you install 2 data points per room plus at least 3 to the study. In addition have the builder install some spare conduit in the walls - about every 2 or 3 meters of wall should be enough - so that installing extra connections is not too difficult. These should be positioned near mains power outlets to reduce the risk of trip hazards in future (see beer drinking). My mistake was that I had not planned for the future and did not think to include connections for a couple of extra 'phones and PCs. I should have also factored in connections for X-Box/Nintendo/PlayStation, media centre and home security products.

I know that the casual reader might scoff and loudly riposte "What about wireless networking?"

Well the answer is, I'm a cable sort of guy and don't trust connections and security that I can't see. It's kinda' comforting to be able to pull the plug out of a device when you don't want it communicating.

Did I mention beer drinking?  There should be a fair bit of beer drunk during this stage of construction although much of it will be consumed by the builder (who installed the extra conduit complete with draw wires) - half a carton, the telephone installer (who terminated the telephone/ADSL connection in parallel to three patch panel ports and also terminated the labelled data points throughout the rest of the house) - half a carton, and the supplier of the 2nd-hand patch panel and UTP cable - 2 bottles of wine.  Of course you can install most of these things yourself if you are handy but you will probably then miss out in sharing a carton of beer and 2 bottles of wine with the builder, telephone installer and 2nd-hand network bits supplier.

Once the Cat5 cabling has been installed then it is very important that essential services be maintained for the rest of the household. Partners and offspring tend to lose their sense of humour when telephone services are unexpectedly lost through some cabling misadventure. My policy to avoid this is to stack unused tupperware bowls, old cookbooks and leftover building materials on and around the pantry shelf that houses the patch panel and associated patch leads. This measure seems to have kept meddlesome hands at bay so far. It is crucial that the impression be given that this physical arrangement is 'the way it is supposed be'. A display of flashing LED indicators on the hub/switch/router/modem/power point looks very high tech and so is a desirable feature. Another sound practice is to connect spare patch leads to all unused patch ports. It looks more impressive and reduces the chance that removal of a single cable will break anything. Different coloured patch cables are a good idea - select port colours according to some obtuse classification of your own design such as colour of paintwork or height of ceiling of the room at the cable's destination, age or sex of that room's occupant or the order in which you picked up the patch leads up when first constructing the virtual shed.

Now that the network and comms aspects of the virtual shed have been completed then it is time for a bit more beer with your mates. This is when they will identify the materials and services you have just installed that could have been had for half the price if only you had asked them. They will also describe for you the wonderful design features that they have planned for their virtual sheds that you now wish that you had considered for your network.  This is called the 'technological cringe' and is a normal situation.

In future chapters of this series will look at the design and construction of your virtual shed's mission control - the home office or study.

The virtual shed - an anthropological viewpoint

In an earlier rant I discussed the recent history of urban sheds in general and virtual sheds in particular. I will now explore the place of the virtual shed in the modern male psyche.

A shed is one physical manifestation of a male's desire to proclaim his individualism; to mark his boundaries and lay claim to a space all of his own. His tribal anscestors proclaimed and maintained sacred grounds for contemplation, worship, male companionship and rites of adulthood. Much ritual surrounded the use of these places and woebetide any male or female who transgressed. In more recent times these sacred places were established to meet more specialised puposes. For example, public male bonding places include the sports or fitness club, the pub or hotel front bar and social clubs. Observance of ritual continues in these latter-day sacred sites (think club membership, formal or specialised attire, special food and drink, rites of passage, formal and informal codes of practice and exclusivity). Private sacred places for males include the exercising and working outdoors, fishing, the den or home office, garage, workroom or garden shed.

(some days later)

I'm not sure where this blog is going so will leave off for now. Maybe I'll pick up the train of thought down the track sometime. Or maybe the virtual shed doesn't have a place in the male psyche. Or maybe the modern male's psyche is actually located somewhere in his virtual shed. I'll leave off before I suffocate in metaphysics.

(2 B contd)

Discovered in an old e.mail

Nothing to do with IT (or virtual sheds) but some of these axioms are pretty funny)

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are exams, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 > people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

More definititions and witicisms for the e.mail archive

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimisation Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby

Mythbusters are the bomb (this statement can be read at several levels I think)

In Oz, Mondays, 7:30pm SBS channel is devoted to 'Mythbusters' viewing

The most recent episode broadcast here (toast buttered side down, toy car racing and Is yawning contagious?) was the best yet.

'nuff said

I work in the computer support field. Some of these comments are a little too honest to be funny.

(Still it's easier to recycle e.jokes than write an original blog.)

NSSP code of ethics

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, football trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back error messages from here by magic.

3. When an I.T. support person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 passwords, whole decks of cards etc.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing, obviously.

7. When an I.T. support person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and rant. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. After all, there's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support.  We're collectors, and we thank you.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. support person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. support person tells you that computer screens don't have Postscript cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. support person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"  That really motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it.  Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the email upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of sandwich crumbs in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. If you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? Of course not.

22. When you find an I.T. support person on the phone to the bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare until the call ends.  We don't need any privacy, it's ok.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer shit". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as shit.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support.  Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the phone book, call I.T.Support.We double up as switchboard in our spare time.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.  Support.  We love to hack.

27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.  Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue; we understand.

30. When an I.T. support person gets into the lift pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice:

"Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?"

That's another one that cracks us up to no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in the remote offices like to keep abreast of what's going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. support person at the supermarket on a  Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't stop thinking about work just because it's the weekend.

33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.  Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful @#@#s. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing.