Thursday and Friday Yuk

Did you hear about the young woman standing in front of the small propeller airplane? Yeah, she wasn't paying enough attention and backed up too far. Disaster!

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There were a few cows in one field and a couple of bulls in the other field seperated by a barbed wire fence. It appears that one of the cows was in a very amorous mood and got to running and jumped the fence towards the bulls. Utter catastrophy.

Hey, rdeane did it! Yes, we knew it was possible.
Ok Steffi, you need to post something now!

http://www.iondesign.net/drinkometer/

http://tinyurl.com/ojylc

The Jumper [b]Don't Look!!!![/b]

http://tinyurl.com/2r9fp6

This one is Steffi when she's sick or run out of batteries. [i]Not sure what the battery bit is about but JD insisted.[/i]

http://tinyurl.com/qjgom

[i]Another from JD explaining why GG isn't around could someone please explain this to me?[/i]

http://tinyurl.com/2l5ypu

The [b]Very Fragile Thin Skinned Easily Upset[/b]

Col ]:)

[b][i][u]LBH[/b][/i][/u] :D :^0 :D :^0

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

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A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[i]These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: [/i]
(it didn't say which country)

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!? The girl replied, ?How did you know?"

?Just a lucky guess,? she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, ?Just a lucky guess.'?

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, ?No.? She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, ?A puppy!?

second floor, etc.
I mostly do not drink anymore. I might have an occasional drink, but that is it. Getting drunk is for the teens.

in 1999. And that that even includes a period of 3 years when I was totally on the wagon after I got out of the army.

My problem was I saw a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry"........and for a bunch of years, I tried just that

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ?ROAR,? step, step, ?ROAR,? all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."

============

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.

When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

=============

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die."

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."

Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all."

She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"

Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."

Happy Easter Everyone, hope you all enjoy your few days off I know I will, ahh the thought of all that sleep :D Anyways heres my contribution :)

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

--------------------------------------

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -- his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

--------------------------------------------

And finally some definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

World?s Most Annoying Man:

Yesterday I was flying across the country. My biggest fear when flying isn?t that the jet might crash; it?s that I might end up sitting next to the World?s Most Annoying Man for five hours. Theoretically, such a person exists. I mean, SOMEONE has to be the most annoying man in the world. And there?s a good chance that he flies. After yesterday, I?m reasonably sure that he looks like Mr. Clean on crack, and he was sitting next to me in seat 3D.

As you know, when people use headphones, they talk too loudly because they can?t hear themselves. I learned that this phenomenon extends to nasal sounds in the sniff-snort category. Mr. Clean on crack was rocking out to his iPod and sniff-snorting so loudly every few seconds that the flight crew kept looking out the window to see if a pterodactyl was attacking the fuselage.

Oh, I?m just getting started.

The World?s Most Annoying Man enjoyed whatever was on the little airplane TV after the feature film. He displayed his happiness by rocking back and forth and making a sound like a horse with his ?nads caught on a barbed wire fence. It went something like EEYOOOREE-SNORT-SNIFF-EEEEYOOOREEE! If you have ever tried to take a nap when Mr. Clean on crack is gelding himself next to you, then you know it isn?t easy.

The World?s Most Annoying Man ordered a beer before takeoff. And another every half hour. Add to this picture his bladder that was the size of a mosquito?s pancreas, and you can imagine how many times I had to unbuckle and rebuckle. Several times he had to go see his ?assistant? in the back of the plane, which turned out to be a failed mission twice because of a beverage cart and once because she was either asleep or pretending to be dead to avoid him.

I haven?t even gotten to the good part yet.

He was a tall, lanky guy with, with fingers like breadsticks. Every few minutes he would grab some note paper and a pen, assume the ?brilliant idea? pose, and then, I?m guessing, realizing he was more drunk than inspired, write a few words and?God help me?drum his fingers.

Now when I say ?drum his fingers,? I do not mean softly or just a few times. I mean every few seconds for an hour he would go into a drum solo on his tray table that was apparently intended to jumpstart his brain and squeeze out that nugget of brilliance that was drowning in Heineken somewhere in his cerebellum. I glanced over at his notes a few times just to see if he was writing a solution to string theory or the first chapter of a great novel. But I think it was a cross between gibberish and whatever aspires to be gibberish. The finger drumming, like his snort-sniffing, was extra loud because he still had on the headphones. Those breadstick-fingers were banging louder than Paris Hilton locked in a steel drum with a hot robot. It bothered me so much that I lost my ability to make good analogies.

He tried once to make conversation with me. ?Going home?? he asked. I avoided that trap like a hamster avoids a Richard Gere film festival. (See? I?m damaged.) ?Going to work,? I answered. Had he asked what kind of work, I was ready to explain my career as an actuary. No one can survive that for more than five minutes without slipping into a coma. It?s a drastic measure, but at that point it was either him or me. And my level of self-loathing didn?t even come close to my desire to kill him. So it would have been him. Luckily for him, he went back to his nonverbal methods of being annoying, and thus inadvertently saved his life.

Next time I need to cross the country, I?m walking.

Scott Adams

Actually what was the size of your [b]Bar Tab[/b] again? If I remember correctly and I'm never wrong you where anything but pure. :D

Col ]:)

"Actual Writings From Hospital Charts"

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

4. Note: Patient here recovering from forehead cut.
Patient became very angry when given an enema
by mistake.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and
on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she
began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia
for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated
and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal
size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated
for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under
our car for physical therapy.

20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover
function.

21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

22. Patient has two teenage children, but
no other abnormalities.

Sunday Dinner for Italians

Italians have a $40,000. kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook. There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard. The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the exception).
Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians; we! don't care about cholesterol. Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup.

If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.

If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.

No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down so you'll make up for it next week at confession.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this...
Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, What more do you want? All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonna &Papa's plate because they won't use napkins.
Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table.

First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Over-cooked Vegetables... change plates. THEN, and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL,) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL &VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit &Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonna, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with hard cookies (Biscottis) to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down.

They slept so soundly you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen. Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.

Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material. Prom hair-do from Cousin Angela...Free. Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym...
PRICELESS!

The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends

My wife, Chris, email to me, she is part Italian.

Shelly worked out Steffi's age and came up with a value of 12 years old so I think that Steffi is doing very well to get through that much booze. :D

Admittedly Shelly claims to have failed dismally at maths and that her answer may be incorrect but I think that's just an excuse for Steffi's bad behaviour. :^0

Col ]:)

He said......She said

10)He said... I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault, I ran out of money

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said... Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... Two inches more, and I would be king. She said... Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we exchange positions tonight?" She said... "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. She said... Who's gonna look?

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said... I would, but you're never here for it.
:^0

You must be young, foolish, have a job that almost encourages drinking, and a kidney the size of Long Island.

A full wallet, and no steady female companion to spend your money for you doesn't hurt either

Them pictures were not supposed to leave his computer!! I'll kill him when I get hold of him!! Any good suggestions Col, what has SWMBO done to you that caused the most pain, I'll do that to him ]:)

As for the broken monitors well it serves you right for looking at bad pics now doesnt it :p

You are right, it is a baby cow.

Chicken are the only eggs we eat here in the US... That I know of anyways.

I'm going to be really dirty on the entire system. :D

Col ]:)

She gone Feral as that black muck that she claims to love has totally destroyed her mind so instead of Grey Matter she now has Polluted Black Sludge like all the rest of the Irish. It's not that the Irish are thick from birth it's their National Drink that causes all the damage. :D

Col ]:)

stockings, sussies and high heels AGAIN??

:p :p :p

GG

:x

Edit: Mental Note - GG, don't give yourself "Timewarp" earwigs again......

;)

:x

GG my luv, you know I don't need an EXCUSE! :p

Thinking about JD in suspenders :0

Anyway GG I thought that was your job!!

That I'm in no way responsible for the way that things have gone here it's all JD's fault and I had Absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with his debauchery. :D

Between Half & JD they have destroyed the tone of this thread and I had nothing at all to do with them taking this part of the thread straight to the bottom of the gutter. I suppose you are going to let them both off as they where under the [b]Influence of Chocolate[/b] and are not responsible for their actions but that's no excuse in my books. :^0

Col [i]Where is that Angelic Emotion when it's needed[/i] :_|

Is Good but the bottom of the gutter is very very BAD! :p

After all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live in the sewer and don't even come close to the bottom of the gutter so you are clearly seeing this all wrong. :0

See you'll never win an argument with a 10 [i]or there abouts[/i] year old. :^0

Do you think that was a not so subtle hint that they want me to take them to see a movie? :D

Col ]:)

Once upon a time, there was a young university student, who had grown up in the country, going to church every Sunday.

He ended up at a university, and as part of the Frosh week festivities, attended a showing of "Rocky Horror" at the dorms. Needless to say it was a quite different entertainment from Potlucks, euchre tournaments and church picnics.

This young student's roommate ran a small security company, whose employees were mostly recruited from the university football and basketball teams. The company did security for Rock concerts, but also landed a job doing security at the local repetory theatres who showed midnight movies on Friday and Saturday (double bills usually).

The young student was offered work, but as he was only 6' and 150 lbs, he didn't get to work the rowdier shows, but was relegated to lighter stuff. He ended up work "Rocky Horror" 35 times in 2 years.

You couldn't pay me to watch it now. I've seen it all. The only saving grace is that in no way did the job include janitorial duties.

James