Friday Yuk

I actually spit some Coca-Cola out my nose on that one :D Damn that burns :_|

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY AN OHIO GIRL

The first man married a woman from Arkansas . He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ohio . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven." Says St.Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." Says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven." Says the MP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now, it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage...

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand." Stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning...

..today, you voted."

Very funny. Say hi to my brother and sister and their friends by the way Shllbot. They are somewhere in Ireland on vacation (lucky dogs).

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.. just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, "In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!?

"It's been a year," I told him. Helllooooo?

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

_______

thanx to Jim

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from a dissatisfied customer regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. "As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

A former customer

Concern - the first time you can't get it up for the second time.

Panic - the second time you can't get it up for the first time.

No cats were harmed in the making of these videos, I hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNmLuNdiL8&feature=related

< gigglefit >

Glad to see I'm not the only person who has "issues" like that :)
]:)

with cats anything is possible
:)

http://www.webmd.com/asthma/news/20070928/cat-allergy-linked-to-asthma

Don't know, just depends on what you look at.

It is May 1, that means that spring is in full swing and I have spring fever, so I will share it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg4YrOlAkds

Because if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't really laugh at others :p

Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A .. The back of her head.

Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A .. Artificial intelligence.

Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A .. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q .. What does a blonde owl say?
A .. What, what?

Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?
A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

remind me to get you a fresh one in Louisville.

My mother sneezed while chewing spaghetti once and had a noodle hanging out of her nose :O

I might reconsider the cat. I have asthma, and always had cats. Maybe we can get a test-cat for a weekend. I'm allergic to dogs, though. I have allergy shots so we can keep her.

I'm trying to find something cute, cuddly, and longer-lived.