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Friday Yuk

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by rob mekel

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

As I didn't start a yuk for some time and sofar no-one else did today ... or my memory isn't that good any more :D
------------------

Sometimes memory lapses are a good thing

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher.
---------------

Rob

162 replies

by shellbot

it rained so hard on my way to work that even my underwear is wet..if it don't stop soon, going to have to move.

Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

by rob mekel

Wat to think of this:

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single.

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There is absolutely no question why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so leaned her butt to rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - -This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

----

Rob

by shellbot

so have a good Yuk guys..and a good weekend

going to drown my sorrows in alcohol ..i recken if yer gonna drink..might as well have a reason to do so..

by hal 9000

I'll keep the conditions like this for a while till you stop complaining and then give you some great days, working conditions and just when you think that all is well I'll serve up several months of the [b]Days From Hell.[/b] :D

I should be able to keep you suitably depressed for a very long time to come and to make matters even worse I can hold out a bit of [b]False Hope[/b] to make you think that things are actually improving. :^0

Col ]:)

by gadgetgirl

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over
the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

- - - - - - - - -

You didn't really expect anything PURE from me, did you?

BTW Stef - what DID you do with Dave0??

Have a good weekend, all!

GG

by w2ktechman

Steffi did nothing to Daveo
I think DMambo did! :0

notice that DMambo is back now, and Daveo is gone. Either DMambo did something to Daveo, or, dare I add drama....
Ok, DMambo IS Daveo :0 :0 :0
There we go, I said it! You heard it here first. Since this recent spurt of finding out who is also who started, it got me thinking a bit....

Sure, DMambo will find this and decide to try to dismiss it, but i is true, 1 of the 2 at least!

by hal 9000

You know what they say reading is proof of the event. :p

As Dave isn't answering e-mails any more I tend to think that you may have something here. :D

Col ]:)

by rob mekel

I would have sworn that the picture was taken in Amsterdam :)
Does it give you much pleasure to see the "work" getting done :^0 ;)

These also know how the work gets done
----
A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
-----

Have a great weekend all :)
Rob

by shellbot

why didn't ya just pm me and i'd have told ya!!!!

look very carefully at the bollard thingy's..and where the van is parked...

i was just wondering where ya were...
pm'd ya..things just go from bad to worse

by older mycroft

I kept looking at the plastic bollards and thinking "...but they're not funny".

20 seconds later I spotted the van!

by rob mekel

by telling the 2 bollards on the short-side are removable? :^0 or did they lack of doing that.

Rob

by tig2

I had to blow the pic up to really see the detail. Now I will have to print it and hang it on my wall- WAY too funny!

Thanks for the laugh!

by hal 9000

The Yanks who where responsible for building the Empire State Building? Yes I now know that they had the help of [b]Illegal Aliens[/b] who oversaw the project and you don't get much more Alien that a Darlek. Well 4 of them actually. :D

Just loved the first episode broadcast last night. It's really nice to know that the Americans need so much outside help. Though I do question those who they accept help from. :^0

Col ]:)

by rob mekel

After I clicked the image once (or twice, I can get very impatient if things don't work as supposed)

Rob

by older mycroft

Any possibility of Peering the link to me?

Can't understand it - my avatar pic is sitting on Photobucket.

by maecuff

Two women are riding their bicycles at night in an unfamiliar neighborhood. "I've never come this way before", says the first woman, "It's kind of frightening."

The second woman replies, "Me either, it must be the cobblestones."

by Member 25348569

The Irish Bollards pic reminded me. It is work safe. No flesh, just sadism...

The City Council in Manchester installed retractable bollards to limit access to the city centre.

Watch the fun...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIqlkPhDfwM

Being perverse and, basically, downright vicious, I enjoyed White Van Man smacking his head on the windscreen Hey, pal - wear a seatbelt!

Neil :D

by daveo2000

How dare you suggest that the van was hard just seeing those thingies pointing up in the air like that! That is just too IMPURE of you!

You should be ashamed! Here I have just come back to see how things are coming along and who has been raising what while poking around and there is just no beating around the bush about it!

Harrumph!

:p

by steffi28

If I'm gonna make a fool of myself I might as well make a public fool of myself eh!

I've been working on bloody CSS files all day, took a well needed break cos it was stressing me, havent checked my mail yet but I'll mail you back in a min hope its not too bad :)

by hal 9000

Has Steffi being taking courses from Mae?

Hopefully she's using something other than a Shovel or an Ice Pick. :p

Col ]:)

by steffi28

I meant something along the lines of f&%*&ing sh&%&?$ CSS files. Does that clear that up?? :p

by older mycroft

Neil got me rooting through an old email account for this:

http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z14/OldMycroft/image011.jpg

...Bit of a joke really, if I can post a Photobucket link - and then not be able to 'see' it.

>>Interestingly, this one shows up!

by nicknielsen

Because this one was right next to the other one: http://i111.photobucket.com/albums/n152/nnielsen/redneck_roadsign1.jpg

by rob mekel

Never seen the Van locked up between those newly put construction so you can't park your car on the pedestrians paved way?

Rob

[i]can't type any more[/i]

by dadspad

How are they going to remove the van when they are finished installing those posts to keep vehicles out of that area. :D

by midniteone

first, one from the good lady at home:

allegedly a true story from World War 2.

as the air raid sirens go, and bombs started to fall, my great aunt rushed out of the house and into the air raid shelter. all of a sudden she clapped her hands over her mouth and cried "me teeth, I've forgotten me teeth!"

an air raid warden took pity on her and said "don't worry love, they're dropping bombs, not sandwiches!"

alternatively:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because, he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Good weekend, all.

by daveo2000

DAVEO2000 LIVES!!!

Some of you may remember I posted a question / discussion some months back about what to do if you had time to learn something new before changing jobs.

That was because my old company gave me a rather extended notice period. Well, I started a new gig and have been walking down the training trail (as well as taking my week of summer vacation).

I am still busy but promise to try to get in on weekends!

Thanks for thinking of me!

And, Col, I did answer but only just now...
Sorry :)

by w2ktechman

You just happen to show up after being accused of being DMambo! :^0

And funny, DMambo isnt here now either! :0

I still think you 2 are one and the same!!!

by daveo2000

I am not him!

There. I said it so it is on the Internet and Col will tell you that if it is on the Internet then it must be true!

Nyah! :p

(Edited to add) The part about us not being the same, not the bit where you said we are the same.

by w2ktechman

See, my statement is true cause I posted it on the Internet first!!!
That means that to rebut it you need to come up with some really good proof! :^0

So far all you did was to state (fasely) that I am incorrect. :(

See DMambo (I mean Daveo), it is all about suspicion these days. We are on to you! We are right until you prove otherwise :^0

Ok, by "We" I mean "Me" and anyone who believes my feeble attempt to add "drama" to the YUK

by hal 9000

But according to Dave here he has a good excuse for not coming to TR for a while seems that he's recovering from something naughty that he did and doesn't want anyone else to know. :D

I'll wait till he gets back to me with an offer to see if I make his actions public or if I shut-up depends on how much [b]Hush Money[/b] comes my way. :^0

Needless to say his explanation explains much more than just Dave's disappearance from TR for a short while though to be honest Dave took a lot longer to recover than the other member involved. [i]Darn where's that Innocent Motion again when it's needed![/i]

But I'll open a lift door and give Dave quick access to the Server room from the 40 th story. :p

Col ]:)

by techexec2

.
[Note: In the spirit of maecuff's post about TR being "entertainment", let's see if we can't make a very ugly steaming pile of rat dung smell a little better via some satire. Why rat dung? It's because I'm concerned about the well being of the little rat whose ass Maxwell keeps referring to. :^0 ]

LEXINGTON, July 22, 2007 (BUSINESS WIRE) -- A TechRepublic.com Press Release

As many of you know, TechRepublic was originally founded to be a membership website for IT professionals. The membership defines the site and over the years its constitution has changed. It's time for a new name and a new formalization of what TechRepublic has become.

Our new name is: [b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i] (TRA)[/b]

[b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i] (TRA)[/b] is very much like the Colosseum of ancient Rome. Our star gladiator Maxwell Edison will now be called Maximus Edisonus. Of course, the MaxAddicts(tm) are the bloodthirsty mob in the gallery.

Each week, one or more TRA members will be secretly chosen and condemned to face our heartless genius gladiator Maximus Edisonus in [i]THE ARENA[/i], a new forum on TRA. Maximus will prepare in advance the vicious MaxAttack(tm) slaughter that will take place. When the big day comes, the condemned TRA member will be abducted while sleeping and thrown unarmed in his night shirt into [i]THE ARENA[/i] to do battle.

Before the spectacular death, each condemned TRA member will be bloodied and beaten. After he is no longer able to fight, Maximus will call him the Biggest Idiot(tm) and extinguish his pathetic life at the demands of the mob.

If the condemned member has put up a good fight, consider allowing him or her to live. It's "thumbs up" for life and "thumbs down" for death (look for the links to click on...similar to the "helpful" link in "Ask a Question"). But, even if the condemned fought well, if you are in a bloodthirsty mood, don't hesitate to give him the "thumbs down" just for a good laugh!

MaxAddicts(tm) who want to get good seats should gather in [i]THE ARENA[/i] in advance of the slaughter. Of course, if you do a good job of regularly kissing Maximus' a**, you'll get a reserved front row seat. Certain TRA members (you know who you are) tell me it's not so bad really.

[b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i] (TRA) -- Beta Test[/b]

Some of you might have already figured it out. Last week's slaughter of TRA member OnTheRopes was our [b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i][/b] beta test. We cannot be more pleased with how well our beta test went. Maxwell Edison made up several huge lies about OnTheRopes. OnTheRopes was falsely accused of being TheTechMail (spuddy, the TR menace). Then he was humiliated and his reputation was ripped to shreds as being "deranged", "confused", "unstable", a "deranged imbecile", a "deranged stalker", a "lunatic", a "world-class loony-tune", and a "multiple personality". And, all this was done without any evidence whatsoever! It was hilariously funny and outstanding entertainment to watch him squirm, wasn't it? Well THAT is what [b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i][/b] is all about!

OnTheRopes and his friends demanded evidence. Evidence? Are you nuts? We don't need no stinkin' evidence. If we say you're guilty, you're damn guilty and you had better accept your justice. And, anyone who steps in and tries to help you will be condemned to die right along with you.

[b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA[/i] (TRA) -- Watch your E-mail![/b]

So, MaxAddicts(tm), keep a close watch on your e-mail for the announcement of the next slaughter. Maxwell Edison is dead, but Maximus Edisonus lives on. We have already secretly chosen the next condemned TRA member who will soon face Maximus in [i]THE ARENA[/i]. You won't want to miss the next battle. It promises to be gloriously bloody and wonderfully wicked.

Long live [b]TechRepublic [i]ARENA![/i][/b]

:^0 :^0 :^0

by deepsand

Night shirt? What night shirt?

Who in their right mind goes to bed dressed?

Inquiring minds want to know.

by hal 9000

I would have had to if you didn't beat me to the line with it. But more importantly what is [b]TRA's[/b] budget and will the kidnap International Members be common place or is this something just confined to the Americans and the rest of us can watch on in our [b]Blood Lust?[/b] :8}

This is something important that needs ironing out before the [b]Beta Testing[/b] is completed as many of us need to know how to behave if we are possible candidates for the [b]Arena![/b] Of course if we are not then [b]Who Cares?[/b] We can act as per normal and have no fears. :^0

Also does this mean that when Mae's turn comes about she will be separated from her Shovel? Where is the fun in that? But if we are only gathering about to see a one sided slaughter I suppose it kind of makes sense maybe. ?:|

Col ]:)

by w2ktechman

Dave should not have bee tortured like that! :0

It took a long time to recover... Now we can piece it all together
Shelli kidnapped Dave and had her impure ways with him. She said that she was 'visiting' her husband... But now we know the truth :0
She was hiding Dave in he basement and keeping him, I mean torturing him for days at a time!!! :0 :0 :0
Then he found a way out of the bondage and spent 'recovery time' in the hospital. That is when DMambo showed up again. Dave was too scared to use this profile or Steffi would find him. Then when the partial truth came out, he knew it was time for Dave to re-appear. :0

by hal 9000

I didn't make mention of any names so everything in the above post is unsupported. But as it's been printed on the Internet it must be right. :D

Though I'm a bit confused why Shelli & Steffi seem to be interchangeable are you also now telling us that they are one & the same person as well? :p

Lets see one by her own admission can not even manage to dye her hair properly and the other is hopeless with Figures, Navigating, openly admits to arguing with a GPS as to the correct way to go and has consistently worked out the others age as 12 years old. B-)

Cool I think that you're onto something here and it's now obvious that [b]Shelli & Steffi[/b] are the same person. Why didn't I see this previously it's so obvious when put like that? :^0

Col ]:)

by techexec2

.
Questions... Questions... All of these questions!

It's called "poetic license". :^0

P.S. It's [u]difficult[/u] to transform the steaming pile into something entertaining...

P.P.S. Mae can keep her shovel. I think it would be good if Maximus didn't always win.

P.P.P.S. Mae also said it best. TR is not the real world. TRA isn't real either. It's just a website and everything happens to your [u]virtual[/u] self. So, yes, Aussies are just as vulnerable as anyone else! :^0

by deepsand

Trying to decide what to wear is such a bitch at times. And, besides, if it's good enough for my dog it's good enough for TR. :D

by hal 9000

Provided that I don't have to find a matching pair of socks. The Sock eating monster that lives here has just disposed of another lot of socks again and I'm stuck with all [b]Odd Socks AGAIN![/b] :_|

But in a Virtual World those Odd socks would be noticed so it doesn't matter. :D

Actually while we are on the subject of Sock Eating Monsters who wants to get with me to find out just why so many socks are eaten in the wash? I plan on kidnapping and torturing several White Goods Designers till they cough up the secret of their ability to cause Socks to disappear without a trace while in the laundry. :^0

While it may not recover the lost socks I'll sure as hell fell much better about it. :D

Col ]:)

by techexec2

.
You need to watch your wash more closely. Your socks are watching carefully. As soon as you're not looking, they RUN AND ESCAPE (especially if they are athletic socks).

On the other hand, maybe you should be more charitable with your many socks (sounds like you have quite a few -- or did before some of them escaped). Perhaps you should donate them to the little assless rats.

Come on! Maxwell must have given away the ass of at least ONE of those rats! Probably MANY of them. Was the ass given away voluntarily, or was it TAKEN from the poor little rat (I vote for the latter). Can you imagine what it is like to be a rat with no ass? Can you still do #2 with no ass? Do you have to do #2 anymore if you have no ass? Is it cold on your back side if you have no ass?

Perhaps you should donate some of your socks to make little warmers to keep the back sides of those poor little assless rats warm!

:^0 :^0 :^0

P.S. Of course, with posts like this, *I* may be the next one called a "world class loony-tune". :^0

by w2ktechman

I could say it was a momentary lapse of reason, but I like your explanation better.
And since it was found on the Internet, it must be true!!!
And to continue on your line of reasoning, almost the whole time Steffi was gone, Shelli was gone too???
Hmmm.....

by hal 9000

No way am I buying in on that one Sandy it's way too open for a misunderstanding to occur and Beth to get upset with me again. :D

The possible ways of misunderstanding that top line alone are too numerous to even start to look at or even think about. :^0

I'm going to leave that alone [b]all[/b] of the time and not just [b]some[/b] of the time. :p

It's nice to be so pure. :8}

Col ]:)

by deepsand

BTW, you haven't answered my query re. your health. If it's none of my concern, just tell me to STFU.

by steffi28

I'm me, at least I think I am d@mn I'm confused now :(

And PondScum, when was I ever away??

by shellbot

just a wee bit of paranoia then??

wow..you guys are worse than women for seeing things that aren't really there!!

by shellbot

i had to wear one grey sock and one blue one yesterday as thats all the was left in the drawer..

i suspect someone is stealing my socks just to p1ss me off

by hal 9000

I know what Dave was really up to and I'm not telling. :p

However I am getting a good laugh out of this side thread. :D

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

Much more reasonable and not like the unreasonable posting above. :0

But haven't you learned to spell properly yet? :^0

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

Black and Blue and no it's not because I've beat them up but because I buy several Hundred pair of the same ones at a time so I know that I'll have socks till the end of the week hopefully. :(

Today I sunk into the laundry and ran a load through the machine which consisted of 1 pair of socks. When it finished there was an odd pair in there and it didn't matter that they where still nylon tied together. There is some massive conspiracy going on here and it needs to [b]STOP NOW![/b]

Or at least let me torture someone so I feel better. :D

Col ]:)

by hal 9000

According to the Quacks I'm OK now and while they can tell me what I didn't have wrong with me they are unable to tell me what actually happened. Personally I think that I had a Kidney Stone [i]which the Quacks are insistent that I couldn't have had.[/i] Then the medication that they applied IV had an adverse affect or at least I had a reaction to it and that caused the liver to shut down for a few hours/days. But according o the Blood Tests that came back the following Monday I was in perfect health and had absolutely nothing at all wrong with me. Hell even the Cholesterol was way down so I didn't need to read all that rubbish that I was given the previous week. :D

Only one slight problem now is that I fall asleep at the drop of a hat and will sleep for up to 18 hours at a time then get up and 3 hours latter I want to go back to bed. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not allowed to work at the moment and the DVD's that the wife gets out just drive me insane so to escape I sleep or if [b]SWMBO[/b] is still poisoning me in an attempt to kill me off. It just seems strange that within 12 hours of showing [b]SWMBO[/b] what my Cadaver was worth in the US I was in hospital very sick.

I see the local quack again this Thursday and the Specialist on the 3 of next month to again I suppose be told what isn't wrong with me. OH well I'm catching up on years of missed sleep I suppose but other than sleeping a lot and feeling like Crap there is nothing wrong with me. Well according to the Quacks at least. :D

Well other than the obvious as I work IT so that is already accepted that I'm insane. But other than not feeling like driving around and sleeping all of the time I'm OK. At least when [b]SWMBO[/b] goes out when I'm asleep she knows exactly where I'll be when she returns home. She really got upset last week when she went out at 8.00 AM and I was asleep and when she returned home at 2.00 PM I was still asleep. :^0

But on the up side I'm getting all of my paperwork up to date and I haven't missed a single F1 or Moto GP Race telecast since this happened.

Col ]:)

by rob mekel

Miss the spellchecker, Col

If not, what about the Angel-Emoticon our lovely GG has asked for more then once.

Speaking of her ... Are the still floating in or on good old England/Britain. They had some massive rainfall last week and in the weekend. Even the military had to come to action in saving ppl from their flooded houses.
Hope they're all doing ok.

Rob

by ontheropes

"I knew OnTheRopes before he was everybody."

"I survived a MaxAttack(tm) at TRA and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

"I liked OnTheRopes when liking OnTheRopes wasn't cool."

"I are a MaxAddict(tm). (On the back) Get the f*** outta' my way you Idiot." (On the front)

"If OnTheRopes survived a MaxAttack(tm) so can I."

"MaxAddicts(tm) can kiss MY ass."

No doubt there are other slogans. Best I can do on one cup of coffee. I'll throw on a second cuppa' and think about it.

by gadgetgirl

with your current avatar on the front, but I'd hate the flashing eyes to end up where I think they would.....! :p :D

GG
]:)

by ontheropes

Here's the avatar. The "eyes" are supposed to be a reflection of flames in aviator style sunglasses but it doesn't scale well.

As far as the rest of your post...

by hal 9000

Is a Spool Chrocker and a Crammer Repairar so that we can get things right. :p

Actually don't tell anyone but I currently have several teams of Welsh Miners digging away the foundations of the UK so what is currently passing as Flooding is nothing more than a slight amount of subsidence which will be cured the moment that my miners finish digging out the UK's foundations. Then I'll fix a pair of children's water wings to the entire country and tow it outside the 5 Mile Limit and setup my very own [b]Pirate Country.[/b] :D

Just don't tell anyone at the moment as no one is currently aware of what's happening and I like the idea off visiting the UK in the Tropics so it's not so cold in Winter. :^0

Col ]:)

by the scummy one

But we know the truth now. :^0

There is no hiding it any longer. Just look at the clues... You live on the same continent, both are part of the impure brigade, both are female, AND both were absent on some of the same days...

Hey Wait! Going by that GG is also you and shell!!! WTF is going on here??? Hey, you have multiple personalities that have their own accounts AND you chat with yourself for amusement... :0 :0 :0

Ok, the truth is told!!! :^0

by dadspad

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

by dadspad

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

by dadspad

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

by dadspad

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your p@nis?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your p@nis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my p@nis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!

by dadspad

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

by dadspad

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

by dadspad

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
:D

by deepsand

machine & mine.

Like him, I buy batches of 2 colors, Black & Brown in my case, so as to be relatively certain of always having at least 1 matching clean pair without having to devote time to sorting. Still, there are times when the supply of clean ones is low enough that it becomes obvious that something is amiss.

Perhaps some of my Brown ones are swapping place with his Black ones.

by w2ktechman

There is only 1 GG, 1 Shellbot, and 1 Steffi...

The world could not stand more than 1 of each! :0

So, that is why they were placed in the same body, and each personality 'time shares' said body!!! :0 :0 :0

Wait, I should be logged in as Pond Scum for this attack! Oops!

Now W2k AND PS are both hiding, as all 3 personalities are getting ready for revenge :0

by deepsand

Sounds familiar.

Beginning 41 yrs. ago, following a bout with mononucleosis, which was misdiagnosed as being merely a "severe cold," I began experiencing a chaotic occurrence of symptoms such as yours. While the Epstein-Barr virus has been identified as one cause, there is as yet no known single cause for what is collectively known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Given a not unreasonable amount of sleep deprivation, relative to the 9-10 hrs. that is now optimal for me, I'm usually symptom free. However, there are, for my liking, too many times when, for no apparent reason, I'll awake, pour myself a cup of coffee from the thermos kept beside my bed, smoke the 1st cigarette of the day and then look at the clock, only to discover that 3 hrs. have passed! :0 :_|

You have both my sympathy & empathy.