Friday Yuk

One dark night outside of Westlake, a small town in Louisiana, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before! Within a short time, the Cajun old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulae!

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

Whall," said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat old truck!!!"

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Southern Grandmother on the Witness Stand

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

Dad

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day...

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Dad

Both of these stories are absolutely true.

I go to conferences on occasion and the vendors, wanting your business, are always giving away little trinkets to lure you over to their booth. Pens, pencils, stress balls, yoyos, plushies, etc. Two years ago one vendor was giving away these balls made of clear plastic with red and blue LEDs inside that blinked when you bounced the ball. I immediately started gathering them and by the end of the conference had a half dozen of the balls. After I returned home my son came to visit and I gave a couple of the balls to my two year old grandson. A few days later my son related the folowing to me.

"we were going down the highway when I saw blue and red lights blinking in my mirror. I pulled over thinking I was getting a speeding ticket when the lights stopped. I turned around and just then, Alex banged a ball against his car seat and the lights went on again."

My daughter, 15, is terminally blonde, and I am not talking about her hari color either. Last fall we were flying to a volleyball tournament where she was playing. We had no sooner hit the ground at the end of our flight when out comes the cell phone and she starts making a call. My wife was in a panic. "You can't do that!" My daughter looked at her and said sarcatically, "What, will it make us crash?" At that, I looked at My daughter deadpan and said. "The vast majority of airline deaths occur on the ground." At that her eyes got big as she asked "Really?" A passenger in the next seat caught on and said "Absolutely" She put her phone down. She finally got it about a month ago.

Christmas Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal

1- Sample the Crown Royal to check quality.
2- Take a large bowl, check the Crown Royal again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3- Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
4- Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Crown Royal is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
5- Turn off the mixer thingy.
6- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
7- Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
8- Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.
Sample the Crown Royal to check for tonsisticity.
9- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet.
10- Check the Crown Royal.
11- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
12- Add one table.
13- Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find.
14- Greash the oven.
15- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
16- Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
17- Finish the bottle of Crown Royal.
18- Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

(spelling edited - somewhat)

According to a recent study, a joke told in an English Brummy (Birmingham accent) is funnier than the same joke any other accent. Given that few US peers, with the notable exception of the missing Jellimonsta, know what it sounds like, I present an actual Brummy joke that I first heard when I was six. In the interests of transatlantic communication, if you need explanation then peer-mail me. I probably won't answer but it'll give me a chuckle.

By the way, the test joke went:

Workmen are eating sandwiches, balancing on a girder way above the ground:

"You ever get that urge, Frank? It begins with looking down from 50 storeys up, thinking about the meaningless of life, listening to dark voices deep inside you, and you think, 'Should I?... should I?...should I push someone off?"'

-------------------------

Anyway, a Brummy joke...

This Brummy is fishing in the local canal.
Bloke comes up and says, "You caught owt?".
Brummy says, "Ow yeah, I caught a whale!".
Bloke says, "What? F**k off! You never caught a whale".
Brummy says,"I did, honestlay, I did".
Bloke says, "Where is it then?".
Brummy says, "Ow, I had to thraow eet back cos it had now spowks on it".

-------------------

While I was looking for a Brummy joke site, I came upon this really nice translator site. If you want to post like Tony Hopkinson or GadgetGirl then the Yorkshire and Geordie translators are just for you... There's a PaddyTranslator for Shellbot and a Cockney Rhyming Slang Translator just to get my attention!

http://www.whoohoo.co.uk/

Happy weekend. I'm off home!

Neil :D

That is EXACTLY what YOU say! :D

[i]Well, except for maybe the lifelike part.... [/i] :0

As for what you did, Do I really need to show you the score card? B-) Oh, I get it, you just don't REMEMBER? Poor dear.....

:x

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(scroll down)

[b][i]Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.[/i][/b]

(Thinks fast)

I carefully posted "might" in bold to stress that only in my wildest nightmares - in the grip of some strange demonic force - could I possibly contemplate setting such a vile calumny to print...

Neil :_|

Or something like that, anyway...

[i]What's the difference between government bonds and JD? Bonds Mature.[/i]
[b]maturity is for old people, right Mae?[/b]

[i]What is the difference between a Neil and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.[/i]
[b]and?[/b] :p

[i]What did God say after creating JD? I can do better.[/i]
[b]HE just hasn't gotten around to it yet...[/b]

[i]What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? Neil?s undivided attention.[/i]
[b]duh![/b]

[i]Why did JD name his penis? Because he wanted to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all his decisions.[/i]
[b]duh! You say that like it is a bad thing?[/b]

[i]Did you hear Neil won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.[/i]
[b]Sorry Neil, but I could see this one.... :p[/b]

[i]Why does JD put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.[/i]
[b]works too![/b]

[i]What is Neil?s idea of foreplay? One hour of begging...[/i]
[b]just as long as it is followed by a steady 3 minutes of intercourse, all is well...[/b]

[i]How do you save JD from drowning? Take your foot off his head...[/i]
:(

[i]How can you tell if Neil is happy? Who cares...[/i] :^0

[i]Why do Neil and JD always have a stupid look on their faces?? (I don?t REALLY have to answer this one, do I?)[/i]
[b]Duh! Looking at Steffi's new boob job! [/b] ]:)

[i]How is JD like a lawn mower?
He?s hard to get started, he emits noxious odors, and half the time he doesn?t work.[/i]
[b]HALF the time? Wow, getting better![/b]

[i]How does Neil exercise on the beach?
By sucking in his stomach every time he sees a bikini.[/i]
[b]of course since he is on the NUDIE beach, he hasn't been getting much exercise lately...[/b]

[i]How do you get JD to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.[/i]
[b]aw mannnnnnnn[/b]

[i]How does Neil show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.[/i]
[b]Now THAT is planning![/b]

[i]What do you call JD in handcuffs?
Trustworthy.[/i]
[b]well, almost....[/b]

[i]What does it mean when Neil is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.[/i]
[b]or you need bigger pillows?[/b]

[i]What would you call JD IF he had half a brain?
Gifted.[/i]
[b]Just so long as I wasn't expected to USE it! Don't hate me for my beauty! B-) [/b]

[i]How can you tell Neil is well hung?
You can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.[/i]
[b]your fingering Neil??? :0 [/b]

[i]Why does JD whistle when he?s sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps him remember which end he needs to wipe.[/i]
[b]wipe?[/b]

[i]What has four arms and an IQ of 40?
JD and Neil watching a football game.[/i]
[b]FOOTBALL or "soccer"? [/b]

[i]What's the best way to force Neil to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.[/i]
[b]Put his BEER at his feet. Any self respecting guy would suffer through just about ANY show if it means having to MOVE to change the channel![/b]

[i]What's the best way to kill JD?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.[/i]
[b]see?!?! TOLD you I like girls! :p [/b]

[i]What's the quickest way to Neil?s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.[/i]
[b]with an ice pick?[/b]

[i]Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So Neil and JD can understand them.[/i]
[b]I don't get it?[/b]

[i]Why do JD and Neil like smart women?
Opposites attract.[/i]
[b]because they have mommy parts! ]:) [/b]

Click this http://tinyurl.com/2fzmkf

you weren't a whinnyasstittybaby? :D

Oh, I LOVED the gift to Mae.... B-)

And next time you get me a gift...

Make it something sparkly.

I always appreciate shiny, sparkly things. I'm such a girl. :)

Have a good weekend!

Edited

Message was edited by: beth.blakely@...

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open your web browser.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Just finished reading this thread and I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. After this past week, I needed that.

Now for a beer and a whiskey and a long night in bed!

http://www.idkwtf.com/videos/latest-videos/hardcore-celebrity-truth-but-i-could-be-wrong

Speakers on.

[i]Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. [/i]

we park in driveways and drive on parkways.

Of the Impure Brigade at TR into Slavery I'm going to pass this along to anyone who wants the money. Frankly I can't afford the Tax Bill that comes with it. :0

[i]Dear Winner,
We happily announce to you the draw (#1187) of the UK LOTTERY,held on
Wednesday 9th May, 2007. Your e-mail which subsequently won you the
lottery in the 2nd category. You have therefore been approved to claim
a total sum of 850,000 GBP. Your e-mail address attached to ticket
no.: 56475600545 188 with Serial no. 5368/02 drew the lucky
no.:08.09.19.34.47.49. {04} Bonus Ball. Contact the following agent for transfer:
Mr Brian Adams Tell:+447023056638 Email: brian.adams02@yahoo.co.uk
www.nationallottery.co.uk/player/p/results/results.do
Warm Regards,
Mr. Lorraine Dodds[/i]

So anyone willing or needing the funds feel free to apply for this gift. OH It helps no end if you claim to be some mad Muslim Terrorist with a great big bomb who will track them down just to get the money and as they all say the More the Merrier. :^0

Col ]:)

us mericans cannot spell autum correctly, so we um wach de trees. when leafes's fall, we know its umm, fall.. So we nameit fall.. Much esier.....
:)

LSD is aka 'acid' and as such is a hallucinogin.
Speed comes in several forms, the most common being sugar and caffeine, then cocaine or crystal meth.

Mae is NICEdammit!

She has always been kind to me even when she could have easily tried to rip out my spleen or other organs.

I've never found it within me to ever have a single bad thing to say about her.

That's rare.

I like to rattle her cage every once in a great while for grins and I'd probably make fun of her footwear and laugh (after she did) when she accidentally clonked her head on a door frame,(I had a link somewhere here) but Mae is definitely "good people".

Oh yeah, you knew that din't ya'?

What was I talkin' about?

OMG look at the time! I have to go to work in the morning.

Oh shlt! Damnitall and othercusswordstobecensored out.

No I don't. It's all just a dream, just a dream, j u s t a d r e a m...

Why do you have to be asleep to believe in the American dream?

Too deep. I'm gone outta' here.

Edited for this wayward dot (.) Under Governmental scrutiny aren't you now dot? Speak up! Don't make me come over there!

All in my mind...

Let's not embarrass any of us. :D

I cant believe I used to love this programme as a kid!!!

Could it be the reason I am a member of the Impure?? Could this children's programme of mentally scarred me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0M56BNMilA

Gosh! It was just a kids program. I don't know what you all are talking about. It looked perfectly innocent to me.
O
:)

pictures really don't do my justice.

Although my husband DOES have a few polaroids that he really needs to get rid of.

of using the shovel on someone, did he... :0
yes, he must get rid of those! ;-)

Shame on you, trying to convince everyone that the kids show made you impure :0
Only someone with a perverted mind could try to twist a childrens show in such a way, as to suggest sexual content... :0
I am shocked at your behavior, and posting it here :0
Shame on you!!! Come over here so that I can give you a spanking!!! ;-)

Not really funny but that's never stopped me before.

Early this morning I was assembling a new gas grill in the yard when I noticed 4 of my neighbors lambs just standing on the road in front of my house watching me with a critical eye.

To keep from my having to see them being mowed down by one of the lunatics that speed past here my wife and I herded them back over to the neighbors where they walked into the barn where they're supposed to be.

It struck me as funny to be the center of attention for a barnyard full of sheep. They were all watching the entire "show" until I closed the barn door to trap the four lambs inside. After I did THAT the flock went into the rear of the barn as if to ask the four lambs what kind of grill I'd bought. :D

I have another mystery on my hands now. :0

How can it be possible to assemble a grill and have more packaging material than will go back into the box the grill came in when I picked everything up?

Maybe it's a Dr. Who brand grill or something.

Dr. Hu is more likely tho'.

he can send them to me. :p

Please feel free to take the above in any manner that suits your attitude at the moment.

I find out yesterday while talking to a friend that every episode was just as bad, and that was the reason it was took off air, because of parents complaining, I cant believe I used to watch it every week (or day not sure how often it was on) and I missed out on all the rudeness, I feel like I have to find every episode ever made so i can see all these things that have given me such damage.

Oh and W2k, im on my way ;)

Ok, now you need to come back for more spankings... Posting illegal video links is serious, so the punishment is up to you. Your choices are:
you come back every morning and evening for a spanking for the rest of the week.
or
You use the 'But I really am blonde' excuse by professing to everyone here that you truly are a blonde, and never deny it again AND to come back over tonight and tomorrow for a spanking(s).

Anyway, maybe it was electrocuting too many people!!! That must be why TR removed it, too many script kiddies were getting killed off.

Oh well, I will need to start working on a 'less' destructive response...