Friday Yuk

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations

----------------------------------------

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

-----------------------------------------
SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex show.

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is NOT a good place to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.

5. Semen IS electrically conductive.

SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. No matter how big the guys Dick, on the screen, is; remember it's all done with smoke, mirrors, and a dildo. Don't bother drooling. And if you find yourself drooling remember to swallow, or spit whatever, often. Drool, on keyboards can cause shorts and is nasty to clean.

2. Plugging a dildo into the USB port will void the manufacturers warrantee.

[b] ****** HAL, PLEASE NOTE NO. 2 ABOVE!!! :p ********* [/b]

3. To cool off your "heat of passion" take a shower and wash the sweat off your fat ass.

4. Keyboard cleaning kits do NOT work for sweaty, fat, chicks drool.

5. Vaginal juice is a very slippery substance; IF you spend a lot of time at XXX sites it is suggested you have a seat-belt installed on your computer chair and PLENTY of clean panties.

(spare nix!)

-------------------------------

Have a great weekend, folks!

GG

]:)

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have Been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have Been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex This is when you get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex. This is when you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more and she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
What is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the Desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for Today?"

"There's something wrong with my d!ck", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
Crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room Full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
Or something and discuss the problem further With the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full Strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her Advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

I can't p!ss out of it," he replied.

Ok that sounds worse than it should hahaha,

But whats ??

A woman named Jan stood up during her church's prayer request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jan. That word is: STERNUM!"

=====

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

But I wasn't going to tell you so quickly.

Dammit, Nick, you just had to tell her, didn't you?! :p

GG

]:)

A big, dumb, but fairly good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. You can follow me through my short cut down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

"Holy smokes, Lady!" the biker said. "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

"Well," the lady said, "set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

-------------------------
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did you manage that?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

---------------------------

A man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem ?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

GG

]:)

if you're not wearing the sussies, how are you keeping your stockings up?

Hold ups? (DE!!)

GG

Sorry.

REAL bad Fridayitis...... :p ;\

Attempt [b]1[/b]

[i]I am Mrs. Rabi Aliu, the wife of Mr. Idris Aliu, I am a citizens of Tunisian. My husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Russia for twenty years before he died in the year 2004.We were married for ten years. my late husband deposited the sum of (7.5 Million Pounds) with a Bank.the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I can not ACTIVATE the ACCOUNT,the funds will be CONFISCATED.(note that you need to activate this account) I'm in a hospital in Russia where I have treatment for cancer.Stand-in as the beneficiary and collect the Funds from the Bank. reach me: rabialiu300@yahoo.co.uk
Mrs. Rabi Aliu[/i]

Attempt [b]2[/b]

[i]Save $400 on your TechEd 2007 ticket!

Hi there,

I'm pleased to announce that TechEd 2007 will be on the Gold Coast this year! This year we will be focusing on the latest technologies including Windows Vista, Exchange Server 2007 and Windows Server code name "Longhorn". Book before 21st May and get $400 off the standard price. You will only pay $1599.

If your organisation is planning a Lotus migration, we have just released the Transporter Suite. This is used for interoperability and migration from Lotus Domino to Active Directory, Exchange Server 2007, and Windows SharePoint Services 3.0.

For those who are interested in Longhorn certification we have a discount on getting certified. If you currently hold a MCSA or MCSE on Windows Server 2003 you can get 40% saving voucher. You need to complete your registration for the voucher by June 30, 2007.

Did you know TechNet has some really useful RSS feeds? With IE 7 it's easier than ever to subscribe to RSS feeds. Here are some RSS feeds you may want to subscribe to:
TechNet Security Alerts
Mobility in Windows Vista
TechNet Exchange Server Podcasts
RSS Feed for Most Recent KBs for Windows Server 2003
Microsoft Executive Email
More RSS Feeds can be found at the Microsoft Feeds Directory.

On a side note, if you have a Xbox Live account the next major update to Xbox Live will allow you to use Windows Live Messenger on your Xbox 360. There will also be a new text input device which connects into the controller.[/i]

Now which one is the scam and which one is real? Or another way of looking at things which one is likely to cost you less? :^0

[b]See the Shining Light of Purity and Shine through whatever rubbish is floating in the Gutter.[/b] :p

Col ]:)

I had a look on wikipedia, now which one do you mean??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob%27s_ladder_%28toy%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob%27s_ladder_%28nautical%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob%27s_Ladder_%28Bible%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frenum_ladder

I think I prefer the last one, it sounds like it may inflict enough pain to men to make me happy :)

EDITED TO ADD: Well stop bloody well sending me then while I'm in work then and I'll stop peeking!! :p

[i]Power your pleasure straight from the USB port of your computer or laptop![/i]

This is only of any use if the NB is plugged into the mains as the NB Battery will go flat very fast. Under AU Law you could have this company up for [b]Misleading Advertising[/b] as they are not specifically saying what is required of this device. :D

The [b]Rechargeable Lithium Batteries[/b] are a lower voltage than the standard Batteries of the same size so they will cause the device that they are inserted into not to perform as well as it should offering less satisfaction and a shorter running time. If they actually fit as many of the new Rechargeable Batteries available are a bigger diameter than the conventional batteries that they replace in an attempt to make them carry more ampage to last slightly longer. Hence they don't fit in some devices. :(

Col ]:)

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,
however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with
laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I??~ve heard yet. Anyway,
here??~s how it all went down:

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.

Brian: Sarah.

DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at
8 o??~clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...

DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
a couple of weeks...

DJ: Uh huh...

Brian: ... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this
wife??~s work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?

(touch tones... ringing...)

Clerk: Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
MateMatch?

Sarah: No.

DJ: Good!

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest.

DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the
Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

Sarah: Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?

Sarah: In the a$$...

(long pause)

DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break.

Ode to a Penis

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.

As if I would ever accuse you of floating in the gutter! That is for the newly perverted and you could never be accused of being that now can you? :p

I have to shine such a bright light of Purity so you can see it down at the very bottom of the gutter where you prefer to reside where the jokes are funnier and the laughs are far superior than those reserved for those new to the depths of gutter living. ;)

Even you have to agree on that one and I never in any shape or form compared you to the ones newly arrived to the gutter. :8}

Col ]:)

Here is my contibution:

A littl girl goes int the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his har cut, eating an snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on you Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heavens's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

I t was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particular pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I p1ssed in its ear and it didn't move." answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Dad

but it DID amuse my employees.

I usually wear dark colored clothing, and the reason is that I've never mastered the ability to eat or drink anything without spilling on myself.

Anyway, I wore a light colored shirt today. My computer operator looked at me and said, well, aren't YOU optimistic? I told her that I wouldn't be spilling ANYTHING, and that I could wear white with the best of them.

So, a few minutes ago, I took a drink of coffee and it rebounded on itself and actually LEAPT from the cup, all over my face and down the front of my shirt.

My operator says that next time I wear light colors that they're all taking bets.

Mae you're not helping one little bit either as I'm trying to bring some Purity to this Discussion and you are just as bad as the rest of them participating and lowering the tone of TR. :_|

Will I ever manage to bring some Purity to this place? :0

Col ]:)

However on the other hand [b]SWMBO[/b] is a totally different story and because I'm so Pure I always do as I'm told. :0

She's the one attempting to lead me astray. :_|

:D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0

Col ]:)

If you don't count the ones concerning US States I got every one right I even managed to get a few of the ones asking about the states right as well but only a few and I don't have local knowledge. :(

Col

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

you left out the most important information.........

[i] what colour??? [/i]

:p

;\

GG

Monkey business:
A man walks into a bar with a monkey.
He orders a drink and while he?s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone?s amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, ?Did you see what your monkey just did??
The guy says, ?No what??
?He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, WHOLE!?
?Yeah, that doesn?t surprise me,? replied the guy, ?he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry, I?ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.?
He finishes his drink, pays the bill, then leaves.
Two weeks later he?s in the bar again, and his monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He garbs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. ?Did you see what your monkey did now??
?No, what?? replies the guy.
?Well, he stuck a maraschino cheery and a peanut up his
butt, pulled them out and ate them!? says the bartender.
?Yeah, that doesn?t surprise me,? replied the guy.
?He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.?

The buffalo theory:

It?s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That?s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.?

Before it starts:

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, ?Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.?

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, ?Quick, bring me another beer. It?s gonna start.?

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, ?Quick, another beer, it?s gonna start any second.?

?That?s it!? She blows her top, ?You bum! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don?t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don?t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??

The husband sighed. ?Oh crap, it?s started.?

Bad pickup lines:
(Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you."
Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!
Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Hey, I know you! You were Miss Maryland last year, weren't you?
I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Just where do those legs of yours end?
Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
So, what do you do for a living besides always making all the men excited and warm all over?
Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.
Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!
Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a goddess.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!
Wow! Are those real?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
You are the reason men fall in love.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? Twice.
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
You should be someone's wife.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?
Hey, You were great on Bay Watch last night!
If you have a chance to become anything on earth what would you want to become?" [the answer] you: " well to me, I want to be your tear drop: I was born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.
Babe! you look so fine I could drink your bath water!
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
Baby, you so flat you make the walls jealous.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
I bet you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I bet you could suck Lincoln's head off a penny.
Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
Excuse me.....Hi, i'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and i was wondering if i could interview you...
If god made any thing better than you he keep it for him self.
Guy: Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Girl: Why? Guy: I looked at you and dropped mine.
Girl, if I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!
There must be a lightswitch on my forehead because everytime I see you, you turn me on!
Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!
Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.
Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Presents the person with a single rose and say: "I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are."
I betting that you cannot wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful every day.
If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.
You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.
You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world.
Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.
Most people like to watch the (i.e. World Cup, Stanley Cup, Super Bowl, NBA playoffs, etc..) cuz it only happens once a year/every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone like you only happens once in a lifetime.
Where's your paper bag? (What?) Your paper bag to put over your head. (Excuse me?) It's dangerous for someone like you to be out in public with all of these horny people around. Don't worry, I'll protect you.
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn't it?
Excuse me miss... Is your face so messed up because you fell from heaven.
Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror) Do you bleach your teeth? 'Cause your smile lights up the entire room like a candle in the dark. Let's go prove it.
Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to sit on it.
Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Do you go the ocean much? 'Cause you smell like the CLAM!
Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.
I'm sorry, but, have we met before? (No.) Oh, I'm sorry, I guess that it must have been your mom.
Baby, you're so hot, you make the equator look like the north pole.
You're a babe, right? Haven't you seen the film?
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Even though the ugly lights are shining bright, you still look beautiful.
There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are.
This is incredible. This is the first time that this has ever happened to us. (What?) Each one of my 27 personalities found you cute!
If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.
Wow, you have some sweet birthin' hips. (Walk up to them and touch them)
Thank God, I thought that you were only an illusion(mirage).
If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.
Is that your date, or did your brother get a new dress?
You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.
Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.
That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that's a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.
Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them in your thighs?
Are those implants?
Are you a bird collector? 'Cause you've got a nice set of hooters.
Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?
How is your fever? [What fever?] Oh... you just look hot to me.
I just got dumped, and I think that you could make me feel better.
(Walk up to someone and bite them anywhere) Person: What are you doing?!?!? You: Sorry, taking a bite out of crime. Person: WHAT?!?!? You: Well it has to be illegal to look that good!
You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.
When God made you, he was showing off.
(Bump into someone) If I knew how hot you were I would have grabbed your ass instead of bumping into you.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them.
My ex-girlfriend used to call me Goldfinger.
If all the stars in the sky were summed, not even words that many times stronger than "beautiful" could ever be used to describe you.
You're so hot, I bet you could light a candel at 10 paces.
How much did it cost? (What?) The surgery that made you so hot!
Are you a bad load of laundry? You make my pants feel two sizes too small.
If you were a laser gun, you'd be set on stunning.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porshe.
The drink: $6. The room: $100. The night with you?: Priceless.
Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of their money?
You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!
If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
Have you seen my enormous jar of "Penis Reducing Cream"?
You know at this angle as the lights hit your eyes [start fixing hair] I can see myself and I look great." Then smile, and sheepishly say "just kidding."
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
You wet? I'd bet you are after looking at me.
I can't believe I've been hear the entire evening with all these beautiful people and the moment I find 'The One', all I have time to say is "good bye".
I had your sister last year, she sucked. Wanna defend your family honor?
Hey baby, you've got somthing on your butt: my eyes.
This isn't a beer belly, It'a a fuel tank for a love machine.
Are those your breasts or are they Siamese Watermelons?
I don't know you, but I think I love you already.
You look beautiful today, just like every other day.
Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?" "Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to make out with me because I'm the finest thing you have seen all night."
Are you an interior decorator? When i saw you the room became beautiful.
You know I'd like to invite you over, but I'm afraid you're so hot you'll skyrocket my air-conditioning bill.
Ok, quick, you go in the toilets and get me some condoms and meet me back here in five minutes... In the meantime I'll go and get you some breath mints...
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 30.
Scientists call me a medical miracle.
[You] Here are my keys [Other] Why? [You] Here's the key to my house, my car,...and my heart.
You had better direct that beauty and femininity somewhere else, you'll set the carpet on fire.
Pardon me, I don't mean to make a pass, but you must be leavin' the country if you're packin' that much ass.
Why is it that every time you are around, my pants feel tighter?
When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell.
Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.
Fat Penguin. WHAT? I just thought I'd say something to break the ice.
You know that I think about you only twice a day? Once when my eyes are open, and once when they are closed.
You're so flat, I don't know if you're walking forwareds or backwards.
Two words explain me when I'm not with you. Jergens Lotion.
Baby, you must be a slut because you give out more ass than a donkey dealership.
How much do you cost? I've got a dollar, how much change would I get back?
If I had to choose between one night with you or winning the lottery...I would choose winning the lottery...but it would be close...real close...
Is that a fox on your shoulder, or am I seeing double? Will you be my derivative? I'll be the area under your curves.
If I were a stop light, I'd turn red everytime you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.
Do you like pool, cause I've got the balls if you've got the rack. (or vice versa)
Damn, Sugar, settle down. I'm diabetic.
You need $20 and a friend. Give friend the $20. Walk up to target. Friend says, "You're right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." Hands you the $20 and walks away.
So last night I had the same dream over and over - always the same thing, but in a different location every time. I kept dreaming that I was asking you out, but every time before you answered, I woke up, and I'm dying to know what your answer was.
Tonight, you know you will be sitting on your bed and you will be holding your pillow close to your chest and wish it were me pressing against your chest.
From across the bar you looked a little on the heavy side, but as you got closer I noticed you were ugly too!
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
(If s/he is looking at you)You know, my mother always told me it was impolite to stare... so what do you say we dance?
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
See these keys? Ya like em? I wish I had the one to your heart.
Excuse me I have a problem and I wonder if you can help me? (O.K. I'll see what I can do. What is your problem?) I have every S.T.D. in the book except for one and I think you can give it to me!
Hey baby. I'm single. Do you believe that shit?
Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!
Is that shirt Camel Skin? 'Cause I'm checkin' out your humps!
You could make a glass eye cry...
I think that your attractive and simply amazing from what I've seen so far. Can I get your number and meet your personality.
All the other girls are just rough Drafts .... but i think you are the FINAL COPY!!
Are you a hands-on-learner? Because I am, and I'd like to learn about you...
Way to go God!!! If God had a refrigerator, a picture of you would be on it.
Your voice sounds like sandpaper grated over a cheese grater.
I bet your name is Jesus, because you look like you came from heaven!
You don't look too bad, I'm guessing you only got hit once in the face with that sack of nickels, right?
Bitch, give me some of that disease!
You look so hot that I could cook rice on you!
You're hotter than donut grease.
You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.
I spent over a grand on Viagra today, only to come here and see you and find out that I don?t need it after all.
A thousand painters working for a thousand years could not create a beauty that equals you.
Did you know its a felony in this state to look that good, but if you turn around I'll let you off with a warning.
If you were on hotornot.com, I would give you a ten.
There are only two beautiful girls in the world, and you are both of them.
Your good looks don't intimidate me. (Walk away)
If you could put a price tag on beauty you'd be worth more than Fort Knox.
Your eyes are as blue as the water in my toilet bowl. B
aby, you're so hot, you make the North Pole look like the equator.
You're so hot, I'd better smother you with my body before you burst into flame!

[i]Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.[/i]

Ever since that crazy female slapped a [b]Sexual Harassment[/b] Claim against me for opening doors they are now welcome to open their own. Except the wife of course as she hits way too hard for my liking and demands that I run around picking up after her as well as opening doors. :D

Col ]:)

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

Keep Reading

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

Keep Reading

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Keep Reading

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Keep Reading

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Keep Reading

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."

Dad

"They say money talks.....mine always says good-bye." Red Skelton

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered ....
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

I'm not going to share details of THAT intimate level here.

And I really don't run things. I just usually get my way. :)

I am too sexy

That would be funny. Especially if you had to wear sandals the next day.

Heehehe
CuteElf

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-
pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."

A man,s Gaze only rarely wanders below her
B(.)(.)bs :-)

maybe just go topless in the office ?

Just to save the clothes, ya know...

my job to mentally stimulate you.

I would, but I have to paint my toenails.

I used to play football in the street, and other places, well, more of catch with a football.
Anyway, I used to pay total attention to catching the ball, and not what else was around me. I have run full swing into things many times, but the last time (when I quit playing in the street) I caught the ball, turned around and ran into a Dodge Ram mirror, right in the neck. It took almost 2 minutes for my throat to open up enough to breathe. Everyone around me thought that I was a goner for sure.
Also, some years ago I was helping a friend clean out their garage, when done we wanted to have fun, so we decided to wash the garage floor, with Soap and Water.
Did I mention soap???
Anyway, we found it interesting to go out of the garage, run in, and slide to a wall. Until....
I ran in and slipped. I remember nothing except trying to keep my balance.
I came to about 13-15 minutes later on their porch in with his mother (a Nurse) watching over me and sirens in the background. She had told me later that she didnt think I was going to make it, and that if she hadnt been there, I probably would not have.
So there, spilling things often just cannot compare
& Yes, both are true stories.

:( :_| :( :_|

It bother me that I did not remember the rules to prime numbers more than anything else I missed

Dad

Or, I could just run for cover now!
:)

Though I got all the US centric questions correct :)

James