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Friday Yuk

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by rob mekel

Closed to new repliesThis discussion is closed. It stays readable, but it takes no new replies.

some one liners for starters :)
------

bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Assassins do it from behind.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don?t have film.
Experience is something you don?t get until [?]

Rob

165 replies

by steffi28

Jokes with the punch line taken away but sometimes the honesty makes you giggle. Im sorry I will find something better later on, im just too tired and cant be bothered looking. Give me a few hours, I promise to improve

A man walks into a bar.

His alcohol addiction is slowly destroying his family.

??????????

Why did the chicken cross the road.

Its a chicken, its not aware of the concept of a road, it just thinks its walking in its natural earth.

??????????

Why did the bald man have holes in his pockets?

Over time, friction between his keys and his pockets wore holes in his innards. The fact that he is bald is inconsequential.

??????????

What did the melon say to the apple?

Nothing. It?s physically impossible for fruits to form complex thought patterns, let alone carry on a functioning dialog.

??????????

There was a white guy, an asian guy, and a black guy on a plane.

They were engaging in some conversation and were 3 hours away from landing.

??????????

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Which ever has the lowest drag coefficient hits the ground first, which is independent of hair color.

??????????

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?

A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

??????????

What did the blonde woman do when she visited her grandfather?s grave?

Left flowers and quietly mourned.

by shellbot

steff..those are brutal..my mate used to call those german jokes (he was going out with girl from there and she thought they were hilarious)

having said that, i'v nothing better to offer at the minute..

i see our thread got pulled :( just when i could see it getting fun ]:)

by steffi28

Maybe the sense of humour is rubbing off on me then. Ok i'm scared now :(

I know I couldnt believe it when I saw they pulled our thread, I mean, it wasnt THAT bad ...was it??

Edited because I cant spell!!

by shellbot

talking like that steff..they'll pull this one as well :)

no, it wasn't that bad..no one was getting hurt, just a bit of fun with a troll..

ok, well Palmetto was getting hurt

by steffi28

Palmetto is used to it now, he's developed a sixth sense and knows when they're coming although I'm sure he is enjoying it, I read an ad in the paper yesterday that someone was paying people if they would troll on TR, I called up and I'm sure it was Palmetto!! :p

by shellbot

just like him to do somthing like that..

oh man, its friday and i'm still feeling unwell..gotta find some easy work to do..

by shellbot

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

by steffi28

RESEARCH!! My job for today is to find out about Windows Workflow Foundation and how I can make it work with SharePoint :( So i got to do lots of reading, but at least I can smile at the thought that I'm only 6 hours away from the weekend :D and one of them hours will be spent eating. Roll on 5 'o' clock!!

by shellbot

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and
kept the same tag line....

Sainsbury's condoms - Making life taste better.
Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

FCUK condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole

Egg Card Condoms - Tested and approved by Guinea Pigs

by shellbot

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR [yah know]

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

by rob mekel

work-out or more to burning the calories :)

----
[b]sex-exercise[/b]

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent???????.. 12 Calories
Without her consent??????.. 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands???????.. 8 Calories
With one hand????????.. 12 Calories
With your teeth???????? 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection???????.. 6 Calories
Without an erection??????.. 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris???? 8 Calories
Trying to find the! G-Spot????.. 92 Calories
'

POSITIONS:

Missionary?????????.. 52 Calories
69 lying down????????.. 78 Calories
69 standing up????????. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow?????????. 216 Calories
Her on top?????????? 524 Calories
Doggy Style?????????. 726 Calories
Donkey punch??????? 912 Calories

ORGASMIC:

Real???????????.. 112 Calories
False???????????. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging??????. 18 Calories
Getting up immediately?????.. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately??816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years old???????? 36 Calories
30-39 years?????????. 80 Calories
40-49 years????????.. . 1124 Calories
50-59 years?????????. 1972 Calories
60-69 years?????????. 2916 Calories
70 and over????????. Results pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:

Calmly??????????? 32 Calories
In a hurry?????????.. 98 Calories
With her father knocking on the door? 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking on the door?. 5521 Calories
With her husband knocking on the door?. 7201 Calories

Calorie expenditure has no relation to pleasure experienced.

-------

Just a thought :)

Rob

by rob mekel

Hope it's not to late ;)

----------
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children? ?You all have obsessions,? he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ?You are obsessed with eating. You?ve even named your daughter Candy.? He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ?Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child?s name, Penny.? He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: ?Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child?s name, Brandy.? At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. ?[b]Come on, Dick, we?re leaving.[/b]?
-----------

Rob

by exileblue

Just messin' around with MS WHS Beta and thought I'd have lunch - guys this is what I needed, keep it coming :)

by shellbot

fridays are good..especially with the TR Yuk :)

Lunch..wow..i only just finished brekkie

and now i'm puzzled by the donkey thing......

by rob mekel

lies my problem :(
At the moment I don't have any "easy" work what_so_ever.
But... Aha the weekend is coming up ... Well that won't bring me easy work either as we are going to clean up our tennisclub yard. Which will take all Saturday. But then on sunday we will go over to my niece in Breda (south of the Netherlands) for her 2nd birthday :) That will be fun but hard work as she is having her birthday party at a childerns_indoor_playground with all of her friends from the daycare (25 in total).

But do find some easy work so you will be alive for your next outburst :D :)
Will that be tonight :^0 ;) :x
[i]hope she will overlook this tiny little critique on her work_ethics and do take it to her heart[/i]

Rob

[i]edited for @#$%$#@ typos[/i]

by shellbot

and what if i do take it to heart ??
:)

nah..actually got loads of work done the past 2 days..and a lot of people are off today, i'm waiting on several people to get back to me, have a large export running..

kinda in that "zone" where i can't start anything major at the minute..
but come next week i am so buggered cause everyone is going to get back to me at the same time, the new application build will be ready for testing and i'll have uploads and stuff to do..so i'll be paying a high price for my easy day!

my big plan is to organise my desk and file away a years worth of paper :) :) :)

by rob mekel

never got out to see the donkey's doing there thing to prevent extinct of the donkey's ?:|

Oh btw, a question is never stupid. The answer is not allways what you expect :0

Rob

by jdclyde

"Don't ask if you don't really want to know the answer".

In this case, don't read if you don't REALLY want to know. :0

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donkey_punch

by shellbot

I though maybe it was some cutesy thing..you know like..oh i dunno..using pink fluffy handcuffs or silk scarves...

the only donky i am familar with is Eeyore..and he is all soft and cute and sad..with his wee little tail tacked on..poor little guy

so i'm thinking hey, maybe could try something new on the weekend right..i'm up for keeping it spiced up..

but i think after reading the first 4 lines of the wiki..i'll just try and erase it from my head and never think about it again..

i will keep this situation in mind however, then next time i am going to ask a question about somehting which is not pc related :)

There are about a million jokes i want to make about it, but i am just leaving it well enough alone :)

Any Yuk to contribute??
Have a great weekend JD!!

by maecuff

And enough people do this that there is actually a name for it?

I am more normal than I give myself credit.

by shellbot

that i have never watched donkeys doing it..
i kinda figure its a bit like dogs..?

Do correct me if I'm wrong though!

No problem Steff..glad i could save you form being the first :)

Now if i google for "donkeys doing it" i'm going to look like a real pervert aren't i??

dang it..

by Member 25348569

Information provided free of charge by NITS (tm). Please be aware that NITS (tm) is merely an information provider and does not endorse or condone the contents of the information passed and will CERTAINLY not be responsible if any of you end up with a headache or bruised knuckles.

by shellbot

oh my...

i didn't read the whole entry..i think i've got the idea..don't want the IT boys seeing me reading up on that!!

oh my..
well...here i though maybe i was missing out on something fun..but i think i'll give it a miss..

Steff..i wish it was you who asked first now

by steffi28

I havent read it yet just got back from dinner, is there any incriminating pics on the wiki site that will mean I cant read it while people are behind me??

by steffi28

I read it!! Trust the men to lower the tone By bringing things like that up, Shell I'm so glad you asked first :p

by daveo2000

[b]Project 1[/b]: keep morale up and keep things running nicely and efficiently until Project 2 finishes

[b]Project 2[/b]: try to find a job before my group is liquidated.

by hal 9000

What the Hell did you do with DMambo?

He's been invisible for ages I hope you didn't finally drive him to suicide in an attempt to escape your impurity. :(

Col
[i]Edited to Add[/i] Someone had better send me a PM with the answer to the above question as this is sure to get pulled with the way that the [b]2 Supposed Ladies[/b] are acting.

by rob mekel

it hasn't anything to do with the upbringing of that sheepsite the other day :)
It is one of his fav. thingies, isn't it.

Don't think so, his alter_ego Obmamd will prevent that to happen.

And ... Col welcome to the fun thread. :D

Rob

by hal 9000

Being told all about that URL from a Kiwi who was singing it's praises.

Perhaps I should have had more of a look rather than just double up laughing at the Front Page. :D

This is the same Kiwi who had to have all her toe nails removed because she shoved a Rams rear legs down her Wellington Boots so it couldn't escape. That in it's self wasn't too bad but the Ram had been covered by [b]Silver Fern Spores or as the Kiwi's say Sli-ver Fern[/b] and when they got to 4 feet high they had to be removed surgically. :D

Col

by tig2

Google is your friend.

When I run across something I don't get, I google.

Saves me a red face!

Edit- typo. Cheap keyboard...

by daveo2000

what is so awfully bad about making financial transactions in a less than ethical manner the way Enron did? Sure, you shouldn't do it but I never believed that you guys would find it sooooo shocking

O
:)

(Edited to try to get the halo straight)

by rob mekel

Must say Steffi, you're at it girli you sure hitting the right spots :D ;)

Now just some 2 meetings to do and it's weekend, hiha :)

Rob

by shellbot

that the Wiki entry counts as a double OMG

i'm still in a state of shock here..
in hindsight, there are just some things i should not be told..

i'm going to blame this on Rob..Rob, you are corrupting Steff and I.. as Impure as we are..we are still corruptable in certain ways...

the horror... :(

by maecuff

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your true friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance

by steffi28

It usually takes at least 24 hours for the yuk to turn into what it already has, and you may have saved it with something a bit lighter :D

by shellbot

it did turn rather quickly didn't it...

no ones posting much..

and Col, thanks for the vote of confidence there :p

ya..where is mambo..and everyone else??

by rob mekel

Not even close.
----------

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".
---------

Rob

by rob mekel

Some questions and answers
-----------

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What?s a mixed feeling?
? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What?s the height of conceit?
? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What?s the definition of macho?
? Jogging home from your vasectomy

Q. What?s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
? A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
? They spray paint X?s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
? Because it?s worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
? They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
? Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between ?ooooooh?and ?aaaaaaah??
? About three inches.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
? It?s not hard.

Q: What?s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
? 45 pounds.

Q: What?s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
? 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
? Breasts don?t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
? The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
? Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
? They don?t have balls to scratch!
---------

Rob

by rob mekel

saying:
There is no smoke without a fire :)

And ... Fire is hot ... so ...

There must be something hot in you as you do say: " ...we are still corruptable in certain ways" :D ;)

Rob

by jdclyde

Just as long as you don't ask about the cleveland steamer......

"I fight like sandpaper. I may be skinny, but I'll scratch the hell out of you."
- James P. Connolly

"Chicks dig guys with confidence. At least I think they do."
- James P. Connolly

"You'd better get her a Valentine's Day present if you ever want to hit that again."

"You know it's getting bad when you're with someone and you want to put your shirt on before your underwear."
- Dan Kaufman on getting older and out of shape

"I like Canada, because any country that has it's own bacon has to be a special place."
- Jim Gaffigan

"Love is like the strongest whiskey, with a hangover called marriage."
- Sean Morey

"I'm still married to my wife because neither one of us want custody of the kids"
- Marc Yaffee

"I found out that they can't sell you a gun while you're crying."
- Lord Carrett on divorce

"We've always had stupid people, it's just that when I was young we didn't let them outside."
- Tammy Pescatelli on the show she wants to do called '

"There's no 12-step program for stupid."
- Heywood Banks

"Leave it to you to look at the sad side of stripping."
- Chick McGee to Kristi Lee

[i]
--all contributions thanks to Bob and Tom, who start my day off, every day. Is that why I turned out like I did? :0
jd

Great weekend everyone

by jdclyde

that is still saying much......

"normal" has NEVER come to mind when thinking about you, my dear. :x

by dryflies

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

by Member 25348569

It did it without a "Page not found error". I edited the post because I misspelled the icon(!) and it gave me another post. Way to go, TR! More crap...

Sums up my bloody week! :(

by ontheropes

http://s152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/?action=view¤t=Hahn.flv
http://s152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/?action=view¤t=years_later.flv

by hal 9000

I love it even though I find it hard to believe that and rechargeable hand tool could develop that much torque or that the person using it could actually hold it without breaking both wrists. :^0

But I'm still laughing regardless. :D

Looks like I'm going to have to stop using those Rubbish Snap On Tools and switch brands. :p

Col

by maecuff

'normal' was overstating a bit.

How about this..I'm not nearly the freak I sometimes think I am?

Getting punched in the head isn't on my list of things to do. And the other? I don't think so. Combined? Someone would die.

by hal 9000

Steffi has insisted that when she finishes her course [b]I Can Tell Her Where To Go![/b] :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :D :^0 :0

Col ]:)

by steffi28

Your just twisting it!! And anyway I know you love me too much to tell me where to go :p

by hal 9000

I've already sent an e-mail to my cousin working in London to find out the absolute worst places that she's ever worked. :p

Then another to her Hubby to find out the best ones that control the women and where public floggings are administered. :D

Man are you in trouble now. :^0

Col ]:)

by dryflies

You scared off all the pure ones.
especially with the batmobile thread. Now that was a visual. Old guy like me had to rest for a while to get over it. ;-)

by shellbot

sorry about that..

i'd like to say we won't ever have a batmobile thread again..but face it..i'd be lying.

Shame they pulled it..i was only just getting started ]:)

I'm off folks..have a great weekend..

Steff mail me if ya need to ok, I'll be checking email over the weekend.

by rob mekel

you are right Mae, it ain't the things I would nor will enjoy.

There are much more nicer way's to enjoy myself and/or others for that matter :0

Rob

by shellbot

we think alike..
cause i though.."punched in the head"??
and the "other" thing..no way..mix the two together
..i'd rip his thing off..and then he'd die

by dawgit

Easy, just get the new (as in the ink isn't dry yet) book called: "Windows Communication Foundation" (Konzept-Programmierung-Migration) by Marco Kuhmann and Gerd Beneken; Elsevier, (Spektrum Akademischer Verlag) ?2007; ISBN 13 978 3 8274 1598 1 -or- 10 3 8274 1598 5 (on the web at: [ http://www.elsevier.de ] -or- [ http://www.elsevier.com ]) It will explain how it's all done through the .net3 platform. A good read too IMHO. Sooooo, curl up with a cozzy book this week-end. I see this weather is getting to you too. :( -d
edited because I was just all excited :0

by Member 25348569

I'm having a bad day today - considering that it's Friday - and warped, twisted comments like that can lessen the desire to punch out the next person to go home before me...

:^0

by Member 25348569

I know that you're the world expert on Kiwis and sheep - but


How does it work for the girlies with the back legs stuffed in gumboots scenario?

Just asking for a few details, you know...

Neil :D

by daveo2000

about somebody pursuing Col's pen1s? I don't think that belongs here. How Impure!

Eeeewwwww. :p

by hal 9000

They shove the rear legs down the back of the Wellies not the front while wearing nothing else and then drop down. :p

Not quite sure how they get out either but judging by this particular Kiwi that wasn't an issue. Apparently the More the Merrier. :D

Yes I did print that out and have it framed hanging on my wall. Generally it's the only one that I make any mention of as well. :^0

Not to mention it's the only one where I know where it is. The other 3 have just disappeared and I don't know where to find them. Maybe I should look sometime. No if they where important they would appear wouldn't they? :0

I should have mentioned this when it happened, a couple of weeks ago I had a surgeon come up here after a slight disagreement with his wife so he brought his NB and asked me to clean it up but before I started to do anything to the file system I updated everything and as he was about as interested in watching this happen as he was in fighting with his wife he had to read the framed Cert on the wall. I'm constantly telling him that because he's a Foreign Trained Doctor he shouldn't be allowed to practise in AU because those trained in That Place in Scotland are not really properly qualified. But I'm just giving him a hard time as we've had a foreign trained quack here killing people who has escaped with a Government funded airline ticket to the US and then God only know where. Anyway he had to ask What's This? I just asked what's it look like and he had to translate. :D

Then he stood over my shoulder telling me all about the pictures on the computer that I was looking at. Pleasant things of the people that he treated in Rwanda and the like with all the pleasant open wounds and associated X Rays showing the full damage done.

After 4 hours of looking at Medical Pictures I had had enough and all the junk that was supposed to be on the computer I didn't remove a single item. However I couldn't help but wonder how most of his patients would react if they saw him then in Shorts a T Shirt that read [b]FUCKIT I'm Going Fishing[/b] and thongs. Hardly the picture of a High Class Surgeon that he puts across when he's working. :D

Now do you see just why I get along with him so well? :^0

Col ]:)

by heml0ck

Woman: "Everytime I sneeze, I orgasm!"
Doc: "Are you taking anything for it?"
Woman: "Sniffing pepper!"

~~~

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

~~~

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

~~~~

Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just passed the esophogus!!!!"

~~~

Have a great weekend everybody!

by jdclyde

I leave the house at about 6:30am, and have only been home before 10pm once, and that one wasn't by much.

Now, after the boys trashing the house all week, I get a call for two showings this weekend on the house. great, just friggen great.

And yes, the thought of making that love piggy squeal made me laugh too. You know, the kind of laugh that makes mothers hurry their children along..... B-)

by w2ktechman

when someone pulls a watch or something from the sewer and then rinses it off and uses or sells it.

Hmmm, good thing those peanuts were not found down there!

by w2ktechman

like he would be in charge of networking NT4 in Hell or Unix in heaven
he chose hell and NT kept crashing...lol

I have also seen both of your versions before.

by inkling

Don?t know if I believe the true story part, but it?s funny.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who live in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a: parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

by shellbot

haven't seen that one in years..

i have this embarrassing problem, when i laugh real hard, i cry..

so i'm sitting here bawling like a baby

by steffi28

but in the end I had to send him a link because he couldnt understand what I was saying through the laughter.

That was a great one :)

by shellbot

i have read this one years ago and almost died laughing..
obviously still effects me the same.
my co workers now think i'm insane..they thought i was crying for real and were asking if i was ok, did i need to go home..
dang it, i should have taken them up on that :)

eyes all red..stuffy nose..god i'm such a loser

by daveo2000

That is priceless. :D

I always used to make fun of the guys with electric socket-drivers in their tool chests. I would get out my 3/4" drive pneumatic and hope the shop compressor could keep up with it. ;)

Hey, Col. Did you have any Mac tools in your drawers? Their truck would usually roll into the parking lot a day or two after the Snap-On truck had been there.

by hal 9000

It was only about 20 years ago that Snap On started selling here in a decent manner as well.

Many moons ago I was doing some work at an air force base I had my first encounter with Snap On when an apprentice left a giant Offset Ring at the air intake of a Mirage Engine. We where in the block hose about 3 miles away and that engine was bolted into the test stand, when for some unexplained reason I looked up at the monitor for the front of the engine and saw this spanner just sort of rattling at the front just as they hit the afterburner.

I yelled out Kill and that's about as far as I got before the spanner disappeared and then everything went dead. No Pictures no read out of what the engine was doing nothing. :(

Someone wanted to run over there straight away to see what had happened but I suggested quite forcefully that they stay put till everything returned to earth. After all it's not a great idea to have a bit of Turbine Blade kill someone as they walk toward the engine test stand enclosure. Even if it is an Air force Apprentice. :D

About an hour latter when I allowed people out we found bits of Mirage engine littering the entire place and it was inside a thick brick enclosure when it was being tested which was supposed to stop that type of thing from happening. When we got to the enclosure it was interesting & I just thought of the Words to a Beatles Song [b]Now We Know How Many Holes It Takes To Fill The Albert Hall[/b] as there was no light inside except for the sunlight streaming in from all the rectangular holes punched in the walls. :^0

I found this really beat up Offset Ring Spanner with huge gashes in it but the ends still fitted nuts so I was impressed. I just couldn't buy any of that stuff here so I had to order it in from the US. Then my job took me to the US for a couple of weeks and I found a reseller of the stuff and went crazy. :D

Actually it wasn't quite that bad I bought the stuff quite cheaply really but a 24 K AU Price tag didn't go down well with [b]SWMBO[/b] till my brother broke a shifter and was paralysed for 2 weeks from the neck down then she thought that all those shiny tools where a great investment in safety. :D

Actually I find the Snap On fairly rubbish as I keep loosing them at an alarming rate as so many people try to steal them that it's hard to kill everyone who picks up my tools without asking. Even both of my children ask where to find what I need and can they get them before venturing near my tool box as they know better and don't like being chased around with a running chain saw. :^0

I hate to think just how much I've personally spent on pneumatics over the years and I always remember to use the black sockets on the rattle guns Honest! :D

I've yet to wear out one of those nice bright chrome sockets so they could never have found their way onto the end of a Rattle Gun could they. :^0

Actually it's been quite a while since I've had [i]or been allowed[/i] to buy any new tools and since the Snap On Vans are over here now I'm not allowed near then as [b]SWMBO[/b] walked into one just after they started selling in a big way here and threw me out. But she did wait till I got her a pair of those folding scissors in a gold box. :(

Actually the last time I had to get one to come to me for a socket to remove a Mag Wheel set. I hate 3/8 drive Sockets when they are on a big socket but I needed a very thin wall socket to get in the hole and the 24 MM nut didn't help any. Even then I wasn't allowed near the van and just told [b]SWMBO[/b] what I needed as well as a few things that I wanted for her car of course. :^0

I actually paid $55.00 AU for a 12 inch number 2 PosiDrive Screwdriver so over here they really are quite expensive compared to what they cost in the US. But I have spanners from 4mm up to well a lot bigger than most people need lets just leave it at that in case I'm caught out again. :0

Col

by daveo2000

I ran across this image and wasn't sure if it was GG or Steffi. Anybody recognize who it is?

http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s169/sharewhat/devillady_wink.gif

by hal 9000

That is defiantly GG in her work cloths. Steffi wouldn't get a look in when GG's on the prowl. :0

Col ]:)

by jdclyde

EVERYONE know that devil lady isn't NEARLY well "endowed" to be the lovely GG.

The wickedly seductive look in the eyes, the blond hair, standing there with a can of guniess behind her back, that is definately Shell! :x

Isn't Steffi Stargazers older sister, which would make her, like 17? Much to young to be photographed in such a manner! :x

]:)

by hal 9000

Then open it in a proper Graphics program like Gimp. :p

Then you'll see the front slit down to just below the side skirts slit and what isn't overly apparent is a heap of High Stilettos hanging off the dress. These defiantly are not to replace broken Heals but are used to drive the heal into someones forehead and kill them immediately without leaving any trace. :^0

GG Trademark method of ridding herself of problems. :p

Then when you look at the scale the female is only about 4 foot high so it's just got to be GG as no one else could get away with wearing something like that and is still so short. :D

Now as Steffi is from [i]Pools of Liver[/i] and an admitted Football Hooligan that couldn't possibly be her as she would just be laughed out of the Police Station after being arrested and no one would believe that she managed to kick that Police Officer you know where as she's simply not tall enough. :0

As for Shelly if that was her she would be used as a Leprechaun every St Paddies Day and constantly be thrown in the Leprechaun Throwing Contest to see who can throw the nasty cunning little Leprechaun the furriest. So Shelly is immediately ruled out and the fact that the dress is the same colour as that nasty brew that they drink in Ireland wouldn't make it possible for it to be Shelly as people would be constantly trying to pick her up twist the top off her and drink her dry as she would constantly be being mistaken for a Bottle of Guin [i]No I just can not bring myself to type in the name of the dreadful concoction that destroys the Irish Peoples brains.[/i] :^0

So using that method of elimination it just has to be GG. :x

Col ]:)

by rob mekel

will be better Neil :) It's all in next week.
[i] or is that this week now ?:| [/i]

but hey what the heck, overhere we went over to day-light-saving time this sunday-morning :)

Rob

by steffi28

I know you love me much to much to do that to me, and if you did you would panic about me all the time, worrying what you had sent me into, and I know you'd feel that guilty that you would come over to rescue me :p

by steffi28

i'm not short Col!! but I will admit that photo's not me, its got better legs than I have :p

Edited to add, thanks for the tip Dawg I'll take a look into that, and yup we've been getting the weather too, snow, rain, wind anything else that wants to come our way :( ahh well it's lookin a bit better today a bit sunnier!!

by shellbot

for nominating the pic as me.. :)

(ppssttt..I'm not blonde though)

however, i can compeletly forgive you and anyone else for thinking so..the way i carry on..

by shellbot

and i agree with steff..i think we should leave this alone..cause it would get real nasty and TR would just pull it anyways..
]:)

by hal 9000

If you look at my above post I said that it couldn't be you because she's [b]Too Short[/b] and one of that size could never be believed as a Football Hooligan because she couldn't reach high enough to kick the police officer in the Gollies. :p

I then went on to say that as the main colour of the dress is black with fresh red blood stains it couldn't be Shelly either as she would get mistaken for that black brew that is drunk in Ireland so the only possible person it could be is GG who admits to being [b]Vertically Challenged.[/b] :0

But I could understand if you did dye your hair blond as there is scientific proof that when women do this their brains shrink and the mass gets moved to their chests to make up for the loss of [b]Grey Matter.[/b] :D

Now my dear do you still wish to claim that this is a picture of you? :^0

Col ]:)