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Friday Yuk ... (complaining to Edinburgh Police)

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by older mycroft 1 view

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Well it is definitely Friday now so let's have a go at the Bhoys in Blue!

--------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm typing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking products of a one night stand are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

[b]P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.[/b]

32 replies

by boxfiddler

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter

by deadly ernest

police yellow crime scene tape with some set across the doorway also helps to discourage some people.

by captbilly1eye

Las Vegas churches
accept gambling
chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you
not living in Las Vegas, but there are more
Catholic Churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday
services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different
casinos, the churches have devised a method
to collect the offerings.

The churches send all of their collected
chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for
sorting and then the chips are taken to the
casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the CHIP MONKS !

:-)

by older mycroft

I'm a member of the Public.

So unless I'm guilty of breaking the Law, then the Cops should show me a little goddamn respect. If the Cops don't do their jobs they should expect diatribes like that.

[b]Prolly be a waste of time sending an email like that to an American Cop tho' - unless he could scan the entire text with an online dickshunnarry.[/b] :^0

by seanferd

Of course, most all the police I've ever encountered would be more likely to respond to that type of call, and go overboard on the kids.

But if I spoke to an officer, or wrote the department a letter like that, I'd probably be cited or threatened with arrest for "disrespecting an officer". At the very least, I'd need to watch my back for the next several years, or I'd get a ticket for jaywalking or something.

by rob miners

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ?Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.?

?I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes? replies Watson.

?And what do you deduce from that??

Watson ponders for a minute. ?Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes??

Holmes is silent for a moment.

?Watson, you idiot!? he says. ?Someone has stolen our tent!?

by older mycroft

I did.

It should be taken with a heavily tainted Glaswegian accent because I have strong suspicions that is where it originated.

FIVE different Weegies sent it to me in the last three hours!! :D

by old mycroft's younger brother

Back at the Dawn of Mankind, life was exceptionally hard and time existed purely within the cycle of day and night. The day brought the light of the Sun and with it, warmth and safety. The night brought absence of the Sun's light and warmth - and with that came danger. Only when Mankind 'discovered' Fire did things alter to any recognisable extent.

All language stems from what it was originally created to mean. Along the way some of it is adapted, some of it is corrupted, sometimes accidentally, sometimes intentionally, and ultimately (being a combination of both accident and intent PLUS the passage of time) sometimes it ends up being used unwittingly.

THAT is what has happened to the word 'goodnight'.

[i][u]Taking it from its constituent parts:[/i][/u]

[u]GOOD[/u]

1. Having desirable or positive qualities especially those suitable for a thing specified
2. Having the normally expected amount
3. Agreeable or pleasing
4. Promoting or enhancing well-being

[u]NIGHT[/u]

1. The time after sunset and before sunrise while it is dark outside
2. A period of ignorance or backwardness or gloom
3. The dark part of the diurnal cycle considered a time unit
4. The period spent sleeping

Clearly there is a distinction between the two words; each being to a greater or lesser extent the opposite of each other - a diametric. Equally, at this juncture there is a critical conjunction - the forming of a greeting that has become misunderstood, mainly through misuse.

If it were used when a host bade 'Goodnight..' to his/her evening guest(s) it would be being used in it's proper sense because the [u]TRUE[/u] meaning of the truncated word is [b]FAREWELL[/b].

Thus to bid FAREWELL to someone when they are about to go to sleep, is rather to infer that it may be a long or infinite time before you assume to see them again, rather than the passing of the diurnal, perhaps just a few hours.

I trust this clears up any confusion. :)

[i]I do apologise for the delay in responding but my brother has been hogging all the available computer time. Perhaps things will change when he rebuilds his Gaming Rig![/i] ;)

by boxfiddler

with one exception, night is good. Sleep is good.
Being at the top of the food chain, we depend completely on that below us, much of which is nocturnal.
Sleep is good.

:D

by boxfiddler

(Or just about any large corporation these days)

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard
in the middle of a desert. Congress said "Someone may steal from it at
night." So they created a night watchman position
and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his
job without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,
and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality
Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies
and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going
to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper,
and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for
all of these people?" So they created an administrative
section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in
operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must
cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

by the scummy one

They decided to totally overhaul a building to be a 'showcase' for customers on the new products not only out, but in developement.

This took about a year, and big $$$ were spent. I took a tour of it when completed, it was very high tech.

Anyway, they decided after it was finished (not even 3 months later) that it cost too much to maintain (wasnt that in the projections?). So, they WFR'd a few of the service people, including the trained guy who does some oiling for some of the machines. Not sure what machines, but they are big. Anyway, they did not assign anyone to maintain these machines, and a short time later, they seized up (3 of them) before the problem was discovered.
So, to save the price of a few people that made less than $50,000/yr, they siezed up 3 machines that I was informed costed $100,000 ea..
Instead of repairs, they closed the building.
Now that is some Great Planning!

by sleepin'dawg

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said "Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be the boss"

The hand said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the
money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss"

The eyes said "Since I must look out for you all and tell you
where the danger lurks, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the Heart, the ears, the feet, the lungs,
etc. Finally the A$$hole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss.
All other parts laughed at the idea of the A$$hole being Boss.
The A$$hole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and
refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet
were too weak, the hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and
lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let
the A$$hole be the boss.
And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the
Asswhole just bossed around and passed out a lot of schit.

The Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be the
boss, You just have to be an Asswhole.

by older mycroft

Get's on my t|ts he does! :D

He tried to convince me the other day that I had a split-personality! :^0

by deadly ernest

Yesterday I had the wrong glasses on when I looked across the street at the newspaper headline outside the newsagent (I've three sets of glasses set for different focal points, one for the desk, one for medium distance, and one for driving). I asked my son what it read and he told me.

After hearing the headline and wondering what the hell it was about, not having listened to the news for two weeks, I went to see more about this miracle of a flying pig - but it turned out to be about a new influenza as the headline was Mexico Swine Flu and not what I misread as Mexico Swine Flew. A great pity I was wrong.

by sleepin'dawg

1. American Express calls and says; "leave home without it"

2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
restaurant.

3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.

5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.

6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

7. Sally Struthers sends you food.

8. You go back for seconds at communion.

9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond
with Abe Lincoln.

10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.

by rob miners

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells . . . "Holy Mary, Mother of God hand lotion too"

by captbilly1eye

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going? to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained ...

"The egg timer's broken."

:-)

by captbilly1eye

People said that America would elect a black President when pigs can fly.

And whaddya know...100 days into his presidency and swine flu."

.

by rob miners

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist'?

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