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Friday Yuk - Top 10 reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex

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[b]Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex[/b]

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more

Have a safe and Happy Haloween, be careful with fireworks, drive safely and watch out for kids on the streets.

39 replies

by oz_media

[b]Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men[/b]

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

by oz_media

Okay, keeping on theme:

[b]Things we've learned from horror films[/b]

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and leave NOW!!

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. Even then, don't do it.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.

If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station towns or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.

by jamesrl

Funny you mention that...

...I grew up in the country, and our house was at an intersection, but a mile off the highway. Before cell phones existed, we did have people knock on our door with car troubles. Sometimes they ran out of gas, sometimes they were drunk and ran their car into a ditch, but the most common was in the winter snow/ice, when they were driving all seasons and lost control.

There was a garage that had a tow truck a few miles away and we would dutifully invite them into our house, wake up the tow driver and wait with them inside till the truck arrived.

To be honest, I thought we were more indanger from them, especially the drunk ones. At lease we knew they wouldn't be driving any more, the tow truck guy got a lot of business from the police, so if he towed a drunk person's car out of the ditch, he wouldn't let them drive it away.

It all went away with cell phones, now people won't knock on the door.

by maecuff

15 Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14 Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13 Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12 Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11 Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10 After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9 After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8 No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7 With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6 No warm blood for miles around DC.

5 Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4 No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3 Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

by oz_media

These things usually track around every year,m same stuff different year, but one's new for me. Love it!

Have an awesome Hallows Eve, but stay away from CANDY !!! (are you handing out rice cakes this year?)

I guess next year, with all the hard work you guys are putting into your exercise and diet regime, your hubby can go as Richard Simmons and you can go as Jane Fonda. (or whatever young, fit people the kids are into these days. Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda, dating myself just a little bit there, carbon dating that is) ;)

by maecuff

gummy worms. I think I can resist gummy worms.

we're having a block party tomorrow night, so tomorrow afternoon i'm going to have a make a bunch of low carb snacks to get me through the night..and bourbon. bourbon helps.

by oz_media

Thanks for sharing but maybe you should just quietly have a seat, a few deeeep breaths and you'll be okay. ;)

Those were just horror-ble. (see, like that!)

by charliespencer

Remember to tip your were-waitress! Try the eel! Saturday afternoon is our 'No Croaking' matinee! Bring the boys and ghouls!

Ah, I gotta a million of 'em.

by maecuff

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first one says.. "Does this taste funny to you"?

by charliespencer

are eating a missionary.

The first one says, "This priest turned out tough when I grilled him. Should I have stewed him?"

"Nope, that's a friar."

by oz_media

How common is THAT joke on Halloween?

Nostalgia, love it! Even watched Charlie Brown's - The Great Pumpkin last night (have been waiting for it to come on for a week or so now).

by maecuff

More jokes.

I am bored to tears. I have a 3 day weekend and I want it to start NOW.

2 hours. 3 minutes.

by oz_media

But it's my short day of the week, I'm a sales manager so I leave around 2:30-3PM on Fridays. No point in trying to reach business contacts after that on a Friday, unless you want to discuss fitting a set of golf clubs or something.

by oz_media

Careful, HEAPS of sugar!!

But the alcohol makes it seem irrelevant.
Block party, had a few when I lived in NS but not these days. I don't even do candy for Halloween anymore (well for myself maybe) but I don't get ANY trick or treater's by my place. Gotta love apartments! :D

by maecuff

this ENTIRE time, I have not even cut down my weekend vice by a single drink.

there are some things that are sacred.

by oz_media

Nicely put. Now what about the bottle in the top drawer of your desk, labeled MOWTHWASH ? ;)

by maecuff

that you would have. :)

Yeah, I'd get fired..but my remaining time would be a little more entertaining.

by charliespencer

Neckbook.

Communications device for witches?
Evil EyePhone

Music device for zombies?
iPlod

For morticians?
iPlot

[tap, tap]
Hello? Is this thing on?

by jellimonsta

Q. Whats a ghosts favorite kind of street?
A. Dead ends

Q. Who was the most famous witch detective? A. Warlock Holmes

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A. He heard it had great circulation.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Phillip
Phillip who?
Fill up my bag with candy, b!tches!

OK, I can't take any more. :0

by oz_media

Funny how that works after the third round of drinks. Waiter, there's a bad comic in my soup!

by oz_media

And I'll tell how to play the flute and how to cure the world of all its known diseases.

by tonythetiger

A man who was walking home alone one dark and windy night. His path took him down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

Coffin

As he passed the gates, he heard a strange noise in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace, but the bumping noise continued behind him. He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

The man couldn?t believe his eyes. Terrified, he turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster ? BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. He turned and threw it at the coffin ? but it just splintered and the coffin continued chasing him faster and faster ? BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!

The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. The man dashed into his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The front of the coffin swung open and the man glimpsed the horrible sight of a dead skeleton inside.

He ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. Then he took aim and blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs ? BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!

The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door ? but he knew it would do no good. The coffin banged against the door and suddenly the door exploded and the coffin came through it.

In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed the first thing he could reach. It was a bottle of Robotussin. He turned and threw it with all of his might....

and the coffin stopped.

by oz_media

I had NO idea where that was going, VERY good! Definitely laughed out loud on that one. I'll have to remember to share it, very witty, squire!

by oz_media

A friend was saying wouldn't it have been hilarious if everyone on the surface had dressed up like Planet of The Apes for when they brought the miners to the surface. :D

The video footage would have been priceless!

by oz_media

Okay that was alright actually.

Waiting for some guys to cross the road at the Football stadium the other day, one fan was carrying a Chilean flag. Some other redneck with his two can beer hat on yelled at him, "Hey man, we're playing Saskatchewan, not Texas!"

I guess we've got some pretty dumb ones in Canada too. LOL

Go Hammers~!

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