Friday's Very Early Yuk!

Is this local or national?

Are there exceptions?

by jaqui Oct 19, 2007

on January 1, for the city.
no smoking within 6 meters [ 22 feet ] of a door or window. no smoking in a shelter at a transit stop.

the workers compensation board made it illegal to smoke in public places years ago here.. the health of employees by forcing them to be in a smoke filled environment.

6 meters from a door or window would be impossible in my apartment!

Funny thing is that it was part of a revitalization of downtown. Since the ban, 2 restaurants and 4 bars have closed because they lost too much business. Others are looking at moving outside the city limits.

It is against city ordinance to smoke on the sidewalks as well but none of the police enforce it. They have better things to do.

http://www.smokefreeengland.co.uk/

and

http://www.nosmokinglaw.co.uk/

The only LEGAL exception is where the area is classed as someones' place of residence, but even that isn't working properly.

There are *some* hotels who will actually have designated smoking rooms to book in advance. (Voluntary basis to have smoking rooms though......)

Even the Old Peoples' Homes here have voluntarily gone smoke free despite it being classed as a persons' residence.

We're having great fun. In a Mental Health Trust, the last thing you want is to demand that a patient doesn't smoke when he's being retained under Section 19 of the Mental Health Act.....

by hal 9000 Oct 19, 2007

Of existing laws, just like the new Anti Smoking Law being Incompatible with Human Rights when applied to a smoker held under Section 19 of the Mental Health Act. Or whatever it's called there. :D

Though to call something the Mental Health Act is one of the biggest Misnomers on the face of the planet surely it must rate as as silly as [i]Hi I'm from the Government & I'm here to help you.[/i] :^0

Now I'll just go and talk to myself for a long while. :p

Col ]:)

we've had a smoking ban in ireland for a couple years now.

Only outside, or in yer own home. A good few pubs have set up beer gardens, but its getting cold now..so not a lot of use.

It sucks, but you get used to it i guess.

e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

cutnpasted, printed, and now on my notice board....

thanks, Stangg, I needed that! :p

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

St Georges Hospital
Newcastle General Hospital
North Tyneside General Hospital

all wrong.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!

Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

you've obviously worked with them, too! :D

GG
]:)

"poultry in motion"

yyyeeeeuuuuccccchhhhh!

I should have known better than to open that post, really.......!

Why did the condom cross the road?
Because it was p!ssed off

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1 - Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2 - Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time -.
3 - Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4 - Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5 - To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
6 - When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7 - Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8 - Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9 - While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINTS DARES
1 - Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2 - Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3 - Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.
4 - Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight -.
5 - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1 - At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.
2 - Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3 - For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4 - Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5 - After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one
hour.
6 - While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7 - In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8 - At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9 - In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10 - Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11 - Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12 - Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it".
13 - Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14 - Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc - during a very important conference call.
15 - Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16 - Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17 - Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18 - During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19 - Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidently left out one letter in her email address, and, without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Huston, a widow had just returned home from her husband?s funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from family and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow?s son rushed into the room, and saw the computer screen. The message read:

?I know you?re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I?ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!?

QSNDDTAQ

by hal 9000 Oct 19, 2007

The real Steffi would never get home at 4.30 AM from any pub she would continue to drink till the Kegs where empty and all the bottles behind the bar where empty and thrown out. :p

Even if she was forcibly returned home at 4.30 AM she would never consider it acceptable to jump onto TR at that time because there is no one that she could BITCH to. :0

You have proven that you are not the real Steffi and I'm going to ask Beth to remove you from here as you are lowering the tone of the place. :D

Now let the Real Steffi RIP at the bottom of the ocean where she is currently. It's Poor Form to continue to try to make out that you are her. I'm betting that instead of a 14 year old girl you are actually a balding fat old man attempting to get your jollies by impersonating the Poor Steffi who couldn't be told anything. This is what lead directly to her early death. :p

She was a perfect example of another young girl who couldn't be told anything for her own good and she paid the price for acting that way. :^0

It's no good attempting to cover your A$$ after being caught out earlier today. You have shown your [b]True Self[/b] Fake Steffi and have been caught out. [/maniacal Laughter]

Col ]:)

Brave Soldiers
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir"

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."

****************

Wrong Expression
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Sh!t! THAT'S the word!?

by older mycroft Oct 19, 2007

An Australian guy is travelling round the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of the shift, he asks her if she wants to go back to his hotel. Although she is attracted to him, she declines. He then offers her $200 to sleep with him. As she is also travelling round the world and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. He orders his Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him, again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to oblige. This goes on for a total of five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes in again, orders a Fosters, but this time goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, then maybe she can shake some more money out of him. She goes over and sits down beside him. She asks what part of Australia he is from. "Melbourne," he tells her. "So am I - what suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris," he replies. "That is amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?". "Cameo Street," he replies. "This is unbelievable," she says, her voice quivering. "And what number?". "Number 20," he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know," he says, "your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

[b]HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN!!!![/b]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds
of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

*******************

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
**
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn side ways and look in the mirror!
**
On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . " I do not"
**
Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A.Both of them.
**
Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A.He buys two cases of beer.
**
Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A.The bonds mature.
**
Q..Why are blonde jokes so short?
A.So men can remember them.
**
Q.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.
**

Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
**

Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

**
Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.
**
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

get it right up them!

Ten reasons the Boks must win

Him win twice? Please, NO! South Africa and defending champions England go head-to-head in the World Cup Final in Paris on Saturday and rugby365.com's John Dobson tells us why the Springboks must and will triumph!

1. Lawrence Dallaglio. He cannot, must not, get two World Cup winning medals. It's amusing watching him strain every sinew for his belting out of the God Save The Queen and at the Annual Awards for Most Emotional Anthem he would certainly be a nominee with Vasco Uva of Portugal and the Argentinian front row. Thing is, Lawrence , it actually is more convincing if you actually made the starting team. No use in going through all that passion to go and take your seat in the stands next to the masseuse and the exercise bike.

2. These confounded English have lured the pride of Hilton, Michaelhouse, St Stithians and Bishops etc to glorious London and made them do things like queue, grocery shop and use public transport. Errggggh. Can you imagine? Making them do what most South Africans have to do every day. It's virtually a crime against humanity.

3. It's so funny - the England soccer team are not going to even make Euro 2008 - well, if you draw with Israel and don't put eight goals past Andorra and have a striker who, if he was 6kg heavier should be playing at lock for the Griffons and another striker who likes ageing hookers and looks like the Webb Ellis trophy - then what do you expect? So the Rugby World Cup is all they have, so make sure you take that away. Remember RWC 2003 took the crowing through to the Ashes which in turn took them through until the Aussies sorted that out last year. There is nothing we can do about Lewis Hamilton, but it doesn't really count if you copy other people's cars.

4. They put glass in our grandmother's sugar in the Boer war. Ask Bok van Blerk. He knows.

5. Kevin Pietersen. Mike Catt has been playing for England , with aplomb, for 15 years and he still sounds like he's the barman at Toby Joes on the PE Beachfront - KP, with his England tattoos tries so hard with his pommy accent, it's laughable. Deprive KP, a victim of such cruelty and deprivation in this cruel, evil, land, of another reason to gloat at SA.

6. Stuart Barnes, Brian Moore and every other insufferable English commentator. If we lose, having won 36-0 earlier, they and their papers will be crowing and filled with all the clich?'s about the greatest comeback since Lazarus. And we will have to see the bus trip down Oxford Street , the trip to the Queen for the OBE and Sir Rob Andrew. Don't forget, as they come down here for their holidays this summer with their sandals and pink shirts, to drink elegant Constantia whites and desperate search for Nivea After Sun, that they will be here as rugby world champions. Absolutely impossible.

7. The French! The Poor old French. Not only did they have to lose the semi-final to the old enemy against whom they have probably fought wars for 150 years, in their great stadium during their own party, imagine if they have to hand them the William Webb Ellis Trophy to take back across the channel on the Eurostar. It is like having Eugene Terreblanche or Jeremy Clarkson walk into your lounge and seduce your daughter in front of you. The French will be supporting us, desperately. Let's not let them down after laying on such a great World Cup.

8. Mark Regan. The thought of the most average, obnoxious hooker in world rugby being a world champion is too much to bear. To see him and Lawrence screaming and shouting Eng-er-land at the cameras at the final whistle will be life-altering. Love to see if this tubby little invertebrate would be so brave were he not hanging between Phil Vickery and Andrew Sheridan.

9. The Pride of the South. Listening to the English podcasts at the start of the World Cup, there was much angst and wailing about how woeful the northern hemisphere was. Now that has all changed. The Tri-Nations, Bledisloe Cup (7th and 8th place play off joke and all that) and the Super 14 lie disgraced as the very ugly also rans of rugby competitions. The North has risen, the Heineken Cup is a great tournament, French and English domestic leagues the best etc etc. As Jeremy Guscott said on one podcast after the quarters and the exit of our SANZAR partners "Goodbye and good riddance." As much as we like to beat them, and as much as Graham Henry and the up-itself All Black management gives us the needle, Australia and new Zealand will be supporting us over England . The South is where we live and play. Let's show them it is still the top of the rugby pile.

10. Those poor young gap year South Africans who go 'overseas' in their droves with romantic notions of freedom and life's experiences, and end up living in Southfields and working as security guards at Sainsbury's. Don't let them have to hide their accents on the tube on Monday and let them stand near the frozen chicken counter with some pride as they look for hooded shop lifters. Do it for them.

by older mycroft Oct 19, 2007

A little girl goes into her local pet shop and says, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts ...he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy black wabbit, or a widdle bwown one?" The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forwards and whispers, "I don't weally think that my pyfon gives a phuck!"

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
____________________________________________
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."
____________________________________________
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
__________________________________________________

Did you lose your way again?

Pleasures of the flesh, however, are to be avoided at all cost.

but thanks for asking!

Have a nice day now.

Ding, Doing

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further TR absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!

by maecuff Oct 19, 2007

are we?

My sister wears too much. People think she's

Some here cling to any thread for the sake of argument.

so I'm a little rusty ;)

Did i miss something?

Don't suppose you recall who that was?

as was pointed out by many people (and in the questions I asked at the time) if the tag says off-topic you can generally post what you like.

I know things may go too fast for you, but do try to learn to keep up with the current affairs!

by hal 9000 Oct 19, 2007

Stop boasting and claiming that you are getting it off with others unrelated to you be marriage. :D

Surely you jest.

?He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.?

?Winston Churchill

?I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.?

?Clarence Darrow

?He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.?

?William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

?Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

?I?ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn?t it.?

?Groucho Marx

?I didn?t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.?

?Mark Twain

?He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.?

?Oscar Wilde

?I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.?

?George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

?Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.?

?Winston Churchill?s response to George Bernard Shaw

?I feel so miserable without you; it?s almost like having you here.?

?Stephen Bishop

?He is a self-made man and worships his creator.?

?John Bright

?I?ve just learned about his illness. Let?s hope it?s nothing trivial.?

?Irvin S. Cobb

?He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.?

?Samuel Johnson

?He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.?

?Paul Keating

?He had delusions of adequacy.?

?Walter Kerr

?Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it??

?Mark Twain

?His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.?

?Mae West

?Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!?

?Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

?Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!?

?Winston Churchill?s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

?Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

?Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

?Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

?Thomas Brackett Reed

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ? for support rather than illumination."

?Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

?Billy Wilder

?Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.?

?Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."

?The Earl of Sandwich

"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

?John Wilkes's response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

?Winston Churchill

Some of these are well known to me; it's a delight to see others of a like nature.

Thanks.

I'll be on the turnpike shortly.

:-(

I'm afraid I cant make it tonight. Have to ferry some of my managers in the black chopper.

Same place / time next week however!

This time though, try to have the little lady sober & cleaned up before we get there.

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected...

Two sperms are swimming. One looks over at the other and says, "I'm exhausted! Are we almost there?"

The other sperm looks back at him and says, "Are you kidding? We just passed the esophagus!"

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get faced. After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.

"CRAP!" he said. "The old lady is going to throw my a$$ out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door," Bill said. "Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" she said.

George replied, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned." His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

"Is that so?" she said. "Then where did the other $20 bill come from?"

"Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants," George said.

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey?this one here looks like yours!'"

Little Sarah came home from school one day, ran straight to the bathroom, and started to cry. Her mother went in and asked what was wrong.

"Well," replied Sarah, "we just learned in health class that the baby comes out where the boy's member goes in. Is that true?"

"Sure, honey, but that's nothing to cry about," said her mother. Sarah replied, "But when I have Johnny's baby, I'm afraid it'll knock out my teeth!"

Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who?s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey?how come you?re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"

The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it?s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it?s defective. If it?s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."

"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren?t defective. They?re for the other side of the house."

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beertits," the man replied.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.

"Mary?Mary?" he called.

"Is that you, Fred?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?" Mary asked.

"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again," he said.

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!" Mary exclaimed.

"Not exactly," Fred said. "I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not?you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation?surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, ?I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ?one, two, three? and you?ll get the largest erection you?ve ever had. After your wife?s been satisfied, simply say ?one, two, three, four? and it will disappear for 12 months.?

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, ?Watch this! One, two, three!? His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, ?That?s great! But what did you say ?one, two, three? for??

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other?s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, ?I have a problem?It?s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.? Heidi replied, ?Okay,? to which he asked, ?Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil??

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, ?Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?? Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, ?Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.? Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, ?Do you mind if I call you Phil?? Heidi had now become very dejected, and said ?No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.?

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted ?Phil, you won?t believe who I have been sleeping with!?

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, ?Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.?

The man says, ?Well, give me some examples.?

The lady explains, ?Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can?t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn?t for me either.? Then she said, ?How do you unlock your door??

The man answered, ?Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock??

A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her. To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh?very high up. ?Right here,? she says, ?I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ?Thanksgiving? under it.?
Then she points to her right inner thigh?just as high up?and says, ?On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the word ?Christmas.??

The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, ?Lady, it?s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that??

?Well,? the lady said, ?I?m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.?

perhaps, perhaps not.

G-n

Were you jesting?

You've a lot of nerve, acting as if you don't know that your decrying the subject of another Discussion as being inappropriate, and then participating here, is nothing but hypocrisy.

You don't get to pick & chose what is and is not acceptable here; that's for the community to decide.

[b]Getting married saps your testosterone[/b]

18 October 2007
NewScientist.com news service

TESTOSTERONE gradually declines with age, right? Not for the Ariaal - subsistence pastoralists living in northern Kenya. They experience a decline in levels of the male hormone only when they get married. The finding provides a social and evolutionary explanation for the decrease in testosterone, rather than an age-related one.

Ariaal men remain single "warriors" until they are around 30, at which time they marry one or more women. Peter Gray of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and colleagues measured testosterone in 205 Ariaal men and found that those with one wife had lower levels of the hormone than unmarried men, and men with more than one wife had the lowest levels of all (Current Anthropology, DOI: 10.1086/522061). "Testosterone levels are lower among married men probably because they are investing less in mating effort," he says. Or to put it another way, they no longer have to compete for mates.

That link between mating effort and testosterone is made clearer by the fact that the Ariaal have an "aloof" marital system: apart from sex, husbands and wives have very little to do with each other, and men are minimally involved in childcare. In a separate study of 203 married Ariaal men, only three participants cited their wife or wives as a source of emotional support.

by tig2 Oct 19, 2007

I do think he gets it. And to his credit, has been good.

He clearly said that he had not run into a forum like this one before so was a bit surprised by us. A number of people told him that this is how we are. Including me.

He's trying. Let's give him a break.

you don't speak for the community. Who really cares what you think, please show me!

Following what I was told by many others over the last few days, nothing is incorrect about the above!

Think I will ignore your posts from now on. Not in the mood for the small minded today (or any day)!

Neuwwl, Buww, Buwwwww!

Ch-ch-ch-chikkka chi ka!

deepsand!

From my brief encounter anyway!

Juveniles are a dime a dozen.

Grow up.

Looks to me like he's just trying to be a smart-ass.

prawn cocktail crisps or salt 'n' vinegar?
I assume you checked...

Nice try. Don't think I can let it go.

Sorry for the interruption.

Seems to me like just another excuse to vent on a generic disliked forum troll. If its anything like other forums then I bet even if he were to drop to his knees and beg forgiveness nothing would change.

After all it is the internet.

(p.s I'm not popping at GN, just my observation)

I am.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

He's a juvenile loser.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on Several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to Compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

Ignoring me?

Liar.

get drunk and watch the greatest non-sci-fi movie ever.

by older mycroft Oct 19, 2007

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.
Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.
It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is
considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets
home.
When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at
him,
He says 'Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom'.
She can't believe it; at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. 'Now darling do a
hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall'.
'Hmmm,' she thinks 'KINKY... I like it.'
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his
chin on her privates.
'The boys down the pub were right,' he says,'a Goatee WOULD suit me!'

rotflmfao :^0 :^0 :^0

Okay, now I'm better :D

edit: ate spaces between laughs

have now regurgitated

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it. Pi$$ on it and walk away.

by jaqui Oct 19, 2007

because someone pissed you off like a condom? ]:)

:^0

edit: it sucks when you make a spelling mstake and only wrote 6 words.

Dammit, I had to correct anoher in my edit.

I give up. Ah phuck it

New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowlege Device Hits The Market

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.

These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Notation Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS) or the Permanent Entry Notation System (PENS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.