Pookin’ for a bat file in all da wong pa

Does any one have an OS checking batch file out there that I can borrow?

EXAMPLE:
Windows2000 will run these commands..
blah blah blah
WindowsNT will run these commands
ya ya ya ya
Windows98 or IF ELSE then run these commands
echo “WINDOWS 9x SUCKS!!!”

FIRST PERSON THAT SAYS USE KIXSART DIES!
(I didn’t ask for kixtart, I asked for a batch file, you understand the difference)