First, I want you to know that I found your words comforting and reassuring. Thank you for saying them.
Since my husband died, I have really struggled with knowing [i]who[/i] I am. So much of me was so very invested in him. When he died, I didn't have the first clue how to go on. Some days, I still don't. Many days I am very aware of trying on a persona as if it were a dress, trying to figure out what fits. In a way, part of me died with him and I am lost in the effort of trying to figure out how in the world I am going to compensate for that missing part.
That's part of what I mean by rebuilding my identity. The person I am today is not the person who used to be here in this body. The person at the keyboard today sees things differently, thinks differently, has different priorities. I didn't just lose my husband. I lost me too.
Rediscovery? Maybe. It's as good a way to identify it as any other. Even better than some- rediscovery conjures thoughts of excitedly finding something new. While I wouldn't use those words to describe how this feels, I can certainly fake it till it fits.
You said, [i]"Sometimes I think some people fear, that having to do with other people's pain will shake the butterfly dust off their own wings, and that the butterfly dust somehow protects them from pain.'[/i] I agree with this.
One of the things I have learned is that many people don't want to get too close to anything that doesn't sit prettily on the shelf. Tears and raw emotion aren't attractive and should certainly never be publicly seen. People I thought would be supportive through this haven't been. That said, a reasonable argument could be made that my expectations of those people were out of line. From my perspective, there is no shame on either side- except that I feel some and likely will for a long time.
I can't control the actions of others. I can only hope to control [b]my[/b] actions. Some of my actions over the past year and more are nothing I am proud of. While the "why" might make it somewhat excusable, the fact is still undeniable. My values tell me that I have to own my actions- even the ones I'm not proud of.
"You can't be something for everybody". Truer words have never been spoken. What I believe you [b]can[/b] be is something for yourself. When you do that, you will find that you can be more than you imagined for others. Even others that you never expected to have an influence on.
I'm afraid that this got longer and more deep than I intended. I wouldn't edit a word of it. You took the time and consideration to post thoughtfully to me. I hope I have repaid your kindness and care in this response. You deserve nothing less.