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Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a-holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and sh!t like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

48 replies

by hal 9000

Here are some [b]FACTS[/b] which are food for thought. ;)

[i]With the Speed of a Startled Statistician.............

A recent Survey in the United Kingdom has totally altered every belief that I have ever held on motorbicyles and speed. For many years, more that I care to remember, I have believed that speed was the biggest killer on the roads - despite some sharp wits saying that?s it?s only the sudden stop that kills not the speed itself.

The highly respected survey which changed my mind showed graphically that most accidents occur between 40 - 60 KPH. Something like 75% of all road accidents involving injury and fatalities occur when vehicles are travelling at the most common speeds used by most road travellers.

At the other end of the graph were two amazingly safe areas. Speeds below 15 km\h and speeds in excess of 185 km\h both show an amazingly small number of accidents. Less than 5% of accidents occurred at this speed with accidents over 185 km\h responsible for less than 1% of the total.

The lesson we can learn from these amazing figures is simple. It is extremely dangerous to ride around at speeds between 40 & 60 km\h. If you do, there is a 75% chance you?ll have an accident. Most of you who?ve been involved in traffic accidents will agree that they happened between these highly dangerous speeds.

As a person with considerable respect in the rarified air of government, I have been discussing these figures with our federal friends. The Transport Minister, the Rt Honourable Shyttin de Carbi, agreed that accidents figures in Australia showed the same tendency towards injury and fatalities in the 40-60 km\h range. The Minister for Health and Welfare Services, the Rt Honourable Justin Agony told me that Motorbicycle injuries suffered between these speeds were by far the greatest number. More people had been carried off to hospital after an accident at 60-65 km\h than any other speed. My very good friend Sir Mark Time Minister for Certain Things, also told me that the majority of speeding offences committed occurred between 60-80 km\h, whereas the number of tickets issued for offences under 15 km\h and above 185 km\h were negligible.

As soon as this information had time to sink in. I started lobbying on behalf of motorcycle riders throughout this wonderful country. As I saw it, the answer was staring me in the face and as a person with sway in the halls of power I have put duty before bigotry and, without thought of personal gain, started lobbying for a change in the speed laws in Australia.

Don?t be surprised if, in the next few months, you hear of a really brilliant plan, announced by a fledging under-secretary to Sir Mark Time, that will cut motorcycle rider?s road death tool by 75%. You?ll have read about it here, and I?m the man responsible. As I said, the answer was staring me in the face and it is so simple.

If the majority of accidents occur between 40 - 60 km\h, make these speeds illegal. If the safest speeds are for travelling are below 15 km\h and above 185 km\h, make these speeds mandatory. My plan is to reduce city speeds to 15 km\h or below and all areas which were posted at 80 km\h or more, should be restricted to a minimum of 185 km\h.

However brilliantly simple this plan may be, I have one serious misgiving. This was explained to me by the Statistician for the Ministry of Kerosene Fridges and Roads, Miss Lydia Casserole (a young new Australian.) She explained that at 15 km\h a motorcycle would take 4.8 seconds to cross a 20 metre intersection while at 185 km\h this reduces to a mere 0.4 seconds. As we all know, the most dangerous part of any road is an intersection - it is the place where most accidents happen - so the amount of time spent in an intersection is dangerous. The rider of a 15 km\h motorcycle would be exposing himself to danger for 4.4 seconds longer than a rider at 185 km\h. For this reason, there may be some real advantages in making the 185 km\h speed limit applicable everywhere. In the example quoted above, the slow rider is 12 times more likely to have an accident than the faster rider.

Should these laws come into force we will have other excellent benefits. Apart from riding at the safest speed of all possible speeds, some improved design features will have to be incorporated into motorbicyles. Brakes will have to improve and the performance factor of almost every machine will need to be better if the machine is to remain legal. It would no longer be to equip police with large and expensive (for the Tax Payer) pursuit vehicles because people would be booked for travelling to slowly, not too fast. Bicycles would be satisfactory for highway patrols. Skills needn?t be as great (it costs the tax payer a fortune to train a policeman) and men of lower intellect and physical stature could be employed to catch slow (dangerous) vehicles.

Finally the greatest saving would be in vehicle insurance and medical services. I?m not a fool, I do understand that the few accidents which will occur at above 185 km\h will be pretty horrifying. However, because the motorcycles will be written off, the high cost of repairs can be eliminated. Also expensive ambulances, with Life Support systems and drugs aboard will be hardly necessary (saving the tax payer even more money.)

Before you take pen to paper and write to thank me for interceding on your behalf in the corridors of power, please don?t. What I have done to improve your lot was done because I just want to help. The new laws will save money and lives.

This you can believe.

B. St-F. Whitworth-Socket[/i]

Makes perfect sense to me so why hasn't it happened yet?

Col

by Member 25348569

are where a car or lorry turns right across the path of an oncoming biker - "I didn't see him" - or, now that bikers can use bus-only lanes, the biker gets totalled by someone turning left across the bus lane - "I didn't see him". They tend to happen in towns and so at the lower speeds. Any slower and you've got time to stop, chase after the car driver and beat the snot out of him and that counts as a car driver injury statistic.

The accidents where bikers are at fault are where some 50 year old midlife crisis idiot starts to remember the 125 of his youth and gets himself a Suzuki GSX that does 0-60mph in a couple of seconds and wipes himself out at 90mph on a bendy road. Most of our roads are too bendy to do more than that so hence the statistical gap.

Neil

Hey, Col. Why do you Aussies use kilometres? We've got the EU pushing it for us but there was never anything wrong with miles for you.

by hal 9000

Because I have a Ducati and Merc's who's native Speedios come marked that way.

But actually a Silly Politician switched to the Metric System so they they could get away with charging tax on Fuel at $5.00 + per Gallon. When they originally switched to the Metric System they passed some stupid Laws. I vividly remember bringing in some Cosworth Motors and their supplied Measuring Equipment to rebuild the motors.

We had the Feds Raid the place because the measuring Equipment wasn't Dual Calibrated in Imperial and Metric. The Judge then asked why the Engine Supplier couldn't supply Measurements in Metric to which i twas pointed out that the tolerances where too fine and converting would introduce errors into the build.

I'm not sure who was more surprised me when we got hit by 20 Feds caring weapons or the Fed who broke into my office and was told to [b]Pi$$ OFF I'm working or are you blind?[/b]

Only took 16 months to get the [b]Illegal[/b] Measuring Equipment back and totally ignore the LAW. :D

You know what they say allow any Politician to make a decision and it's going to hurt everyone. ;)

Col

by seanferd

"Graduating to bowls". This. Now you have set up in my mind a whole fictional social construct and institution where people graduate to bowls. Then go for doctorates in bongs. And pass on to post-doc research in varying places where a department has an opening and one can get funding. (From the data, one can see the quality of righteous boo falls along two clines, one geographic, the other socio-economic; and plotting both dimensions on the same graph reveals these interesting patterns...)

Edit: I forgot to properly cite the quote in parentheses:
1988: Distributions of Perceived Quality and Cannabinoid Content in Geographic, Political, Cultural, and Economic Milieux in the U.S. Pacific Northwest. ASU: N.S. Sherlock.

by ansugisalas

mishearing I had of a reggae toasting: "One more minit, you be smoking di righteous bong... two more minit, you be meeting jah maker"

by nicknielsen

that over 90% of all motor vehicle accidents occurred on paved surfaces?

Best justification I've heard yet for driving on lawns... :D

by gsg

I had someone drive on my lawn, through my brick mailbox, through a tree, through my shrubs, and through my house.

Please keep all 4 tires on the pavement at all times.

by nicknielsen

185 centimeters/second or 185 inches/minute shouldn't be too difficult

I will concede that 185 kmh might be difficult and 185 mph darn near impossible.

by Member 25348569

Speed cameras are everywhere in this country but there has to be a justification to install one at any site - other than for the council to make money. A local council installed a camera at an "accident blackspot" where that justifying RTA fatality in the previous five years was a suicide jumper off the nearby footbridge. He died on the tarmac, so it counts...

:(

by nicknielsen

That sounds much like saying car wrecks in the parking lot at the supermart are "alcohol-related" because you can buy beer and wine inside the store.

by ansugisalas

when non-smokers can get them too. I remember.

That was one of my first head-on experiences with (some of) the TR community regulars. Not one I'll forget in a hurry ;)

by tobif

-I can't find any explanation to your problems. I think it's because of drinking.
-No problem! I can come back another day, when you're sober, answered the patient.

Edit: Corrected typograhpical eroor :)

by michael jay

When you see something bad happening that you could make better, just walk away.

No matter if lives are hanging in the balance, do not lift a finger to help anyone or anything.

Truly a great message given by the police in this story.

by hal 9000

If you ever see a Politic ion drowning instead of helping and if you are not allowed to walk away push their heads under water with the oars that where forced into your hands.

Most Politicians will insist that they can breathe through their feet so let them give a Piratical Demonstration of this. ;)

Col

by tobif

Maybe the policeman thought that if these guys are so happy to save a deer, then why not ask them to save the federal finances, as well.

by av .

But it makes total sense to watch out for those hopped up on coffee and soda, etc. Also, don't forget about the phone-addicts and the texters. They're worse than the drunks.

AV

by delbertpgh

The people who look four times before leaving a stop sign. While you wait and stew behind, before your life comes to its scheduled end. Makes you want to ram them. Except their 31 air bags would save their patient, diligent, cautious, pointless lives.

by hal 9000

My preferred choice is an Exocit Missile as they are far more commonly available than the newer types. But maybe a Fully Loaded Semi will be as effective and cheaper to actually use. :p

Now all I have to do is convince Julia that I need several of the recently decommissioned F1-11's here. I could save them the trouble of stripping and just carry them out of the base on a Low Loader. ;)

They would make excellent Conversation Pieces on the Coffee Table Honest. :0

Or you could always drag them up hills and roll them at each other to see who chickens out first. But ideally a couple of F1-11 and some Harriers would go quite nicely now though I do want a couple of Pegasus Motors for a different reason. :D

Col

by nicknielsen

on the cross street, I [b]want[/b] the people at the sign to be patient, diligent, and cautious.

The ones I hate are the ones that do the glance'n'go to pull out in front of you, then don't bother to accelerate once they're there.

by tobif

I thought you'd mainly find those drivers in Russia and the Arab countries.
(Referring to those, who will overtake an squeeze themselves in before you when you've started slowing down some hundred meters before a traffic light that is red anyway. But when the green comes, they're too busy talking on the phone to start moving...)

by gsg

Angry 14 year old with issues who had a 4.0 gpa, but kept acting out. He destroyed 2 schools in 2 separate incidents, stole a gun and his grandma's car, and was racing through the neighborhood at 100+ mph. His intent, after racing was finished, was to go kill someone to "see what it would feel like". Luckily he crashed first.

His sentence was probation and time in an inpatient adolescent psych facility until the doctors felt he was no longer a danger. He spent about a week at the psych facility.

by ansugisalas

for issues to get ironed out that quickly.

That or he couldn't take the waterboarding...

What? It's not like it's [b][i]torture[/i][/b] or anything. Surely it's allowable for psychiatric treatment too! I mean, electro-therapy is allowed for psych and not for interrogation, so necessarily something allowed for interrogation must also be allowed for psych... ]:)

by nicknielsen

were on the part of the evaluators. The kid is probably sharp enough to figure exactly what they wanted to hear and give it to them.

by ansugisalas

I mean, every professional is doing a difficult job that requires d4 m4d l33t 5k1LL2, right? And every true work of art takes time, even for a genius, right? (Like, how else does one keep the boss from increasing ones work load?)
So, how do they reconcile those two legends with letting the dumbfucks off the hook in a week?

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