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by ccthompson 3 views

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Guy 1: Hey! Why do you smoke cigarettes even though there is a warning on the pack that says it's bad for your health?
Guy 2: I am a software professional. I don't bother about warnings -- I am concerned only about the ''Alerts.''

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There was a guy driving down the road when he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for some gas. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, ''OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do don't touch it.''
So the man went up to the guestroom but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster came over he touched the man and said, ''You're it!''
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There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.
The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.''

''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked.

''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.''

''So,'' the tourist asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?''

''Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!''

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Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

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Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!

14 replies

by ccthompson

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.

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A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."

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One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river."
She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."

After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"

Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."

And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.

After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping."

Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"

by itgirli

so if I did, oh well. And if I didn't, enjoy!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

by maecuff

But they make me laugh, so what the hell..

Little Billy on Getting Older..
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh,?" replied the man, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time"? "No", replied little Billy, "he minded his own f*cking business."

Little Billy on Philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left"? Little Billy answers, "None, when they hear the gun shot, they'll all fly away." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think." Little Billy says, "Now, I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on bench eating ice cream. One is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone, one is delicately licking the sides of the cone and the third is biting the top off the cone. Which one is the married woman"? The teacher blushes and says, "Well, I guess it's the woman who is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone." Little Billy says, "No, it's the woman wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Little Billy on Math
Little Billy returns home from school with an 'F' in arithmatic. "Why"? asks his father. "Well, the teacher asked how much is 2X3 and I said 6", replied Billy. "But, that's right". Said his father. "Yeah, but then she asked me what 3X2 is." The father said, "What makes the f*cking difference"? "I know", said Little Billy, "that's what I said".

Little Billy on English
Little Billy's teacher says, "today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word"? Little Billy answers, "I do, mas-ter-bate." The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy, that's certainly a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, teacher, you're thinking of a blow job."

by anykey???

What is the difference between a dirty politician and a bucket full of sh!t?
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THE BUCKET!!!

by antuck

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I
have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your
boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last
straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my
hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case
is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

____________________________________________________________________________
______________________

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut
off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You
look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep
on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on
it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed
fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

by tonythetiger

A woman comes home from the store to find her husband holding a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked

"I just killed five flies; Three male and two female.", he said

How on earth did you know what gender a fly is?

"Easy", he said, "Three were on the beer can, and two were on the phone."

=================

My son's first condom.

I am remininded of when my son was about 12 or 13. I took him to the drug store to get his first condom. He refused to buy it, so I bought
it for him. We then went home and I showed him exactly how to use a condom. I gave him a father-to-son speech about the need for safety in
such matters, and made sure that he understood the responsible use of a condom. It went like this...

Roll up about a square foot of aluminum foil, and place it into a pop bottle with a tablespoon of Drano and an inch of water. Place the condom over the mouth of the bottle. Let the condom inflate, and tie up the end. Next, twist toilet paper around several match heads, and scotch tape it to the condom. Light the toilet paper, and blow it out
so that is smolders. Take the resulting HYDROGEN BOMB outside at night, and release it.

THAT is how to use a condom!!!

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There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside
and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients."

"What in the world did you tell him?" asks Robert

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any
money in either of them!"

by ozi eagle

Hi All,

I am elated at the moment, having just finished a puzzle that has taken me 9 months to complete. Don't laugh, that's pretty good, on the box it said 3 to 6 years.

Seriously though, there were these two dogs at the pound, one was moaning " Oh woe is me, Oh woe is me, I'm for the gas chamber".
When queried by his companion he replied, "I was in my yard when I saw next door's sassy poodle was giving me the eye and the come on. I couldn't resist, so I dug under the fence and had my way with her. Unfortunately I was caught and now I'm here for the gas chamber. What about you?"
"Well, I had a similar experience. I was lying around in the house when my mistress came out of the bathroom, with only a towel around her. The towel accidently fell off and my mistress bent over to pick it up. Well, I got an eyefull that aroused the lust in me and I couldn't resist and had my way with her."
"Oh! So you're for the gas chamber too."
"No, I'm here to get my toe nails cut."

Then there's the guy who was shipwrecked.
He wound up on this little island that was mostly sand, with a few coconut palms on it.
One day, after three or four weeks of living off coconuts and an occassional fish, he was just sitting there, staring at the horizon, when out of the water comes this gorgeous woman, a real goddess.
She drops her scuba tanks and starts to chat with him. After a while she asks him if he would like a cigarette. He's a bit taken aback, after all this woman has just come out of the water, where would she get some fags from?
Anyway he accepts and she reaches to her right shoulder and unzips a pocket in her wetsuit and pulls out a packet of Camels and gives him one. He's sitting there enjoying his first smoke in weeks, when she asks him if he would like a drink with his smoke. He again accepts and she reaches to her left shoulder and unzips another pocket in her wetsuit and pulls out a bottle of Johnny Walker.
This guy is now in heaven, despite being shipwrecked. After all, here he is on a desert island, with a smoke in one hand, a shot of scotch in the other and the company of a gorgeous woman, what more could a man want?
This goddess then stands up, reaches to the zip at her throat and starts pulling it down, whilst asking him if he would like to play around.
He's totally flabbergasted and says " Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too."

Have a good weekend.

by mjd420nova

A well to do woman in her fourties is looking in the mirror when she decides she needed a face lift. After about two weeks of looking all the fashion magazines to find the look she wanted,
decided that a tightening was all she really needed. Consulting many doctors about the procedure and the possible problems she learns of a new procedure where a knob can be attached to her skin on the back of her head that can
be adjusted by the wearer. She jumps for the
deal in a heartbeat and is delighted by the new look. After twenty years she realizes that
she has now taken the knob the the limit, no matter how much she turns it there's no change
in her face. When she visits her doctor he
asks what the problem is. She replies
"Only two real problems, the first is the bags under my eyes, the knob won't get rid of them anymore". The doctor tells her "I'm sorry maam
but those aren't bags....Those are your breasts".
The lady replies "In that case I won't ask about
the Goatee".

Have a good weekend

by sleepin'dawg

Things Women Don't Know

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

by andrew.moore

Two monkeys taking a bath; one says 'ooh ohh, ee, ee, ahh ahh' to which the other replies 'well put more cold in then'.

by jdclyde

Which book to buy? "Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

by jaqui

Top Ten Rides At The New Sex Theme Park

10. "The Humper Cars"

9. "The Cindy-and-Debbie-and-Mary-Go-Round"

8. "Pamela Anderson's Lace Mountains"

7. "Paris Hilton: The Ride"

6. "The Tilt-A-Whore"

5. "It's Not Such A Small World After Viagra"

4. "Wonderland In Alice"

3. "The Log Flume"

2. "Pasqual, The Mexican Pearl Diver"

1. "Mr. Clinton's Wild Ride"

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