Well it’s nearly Friday so why not???
[b]50 Things Cool about Being a Man[/b]
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work … more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, “So, notice anything
different?”
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be
friends.
27. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
29. Everything on your face stays its original color
30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
32. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking, ”He must be mad at me.”
34. No maxi-pads.
35. You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong friends.
38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
39. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
40. You almost never have strap problems in public.
41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
43. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
46. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
49. The world is your urinal.
50. Ten Things Men Know for Sure About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have t1ts.
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[b]9 Reasons Marriage Is NOT The Answer[/b]
1. ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? Caboose, Red vs Blue If
she is giving you sex for free, don?t get all crazy and put her in a position to
make you pay for it…she will make you pay. Instead act like a man and pay
attention to other things, like football or shiny new technology.
2. It feels better to fuck than get fucked I have a theory that there are two
types of guys in this world: guys whose wives and girlfriends cheat on them and
guys who help those very same women cheat. We all spend some time as each of
these guys during the course of our lives. Being the former means a lot of pain,
heartache, and sad drunken nights. Being the latter means you score some free
sex without relationship attachments and go about your business while some other
poor bastard gets to do all the working out of the relationship shit. Don?t be a
fool.
3. Keep your options open For some strange reason, after you get married,
spending your Saturday nights gleefully shoving oddly shaped fruit into the anal
cavities of drunken sorority sluts at keg parties tends to become out of the
question. God Dammit, that?s not cool. Men need that kind of shit to live. For
fucks sake. Unfair!
4. Forever is a long time I hate to play the religious advocate here, but let us
consider for a moment that there is indeed an afterlife. I wonder how many
marriages fail in the afterlife? I?m sure it would be a good percentage. That is
when you are faced with the numbers in real time. An actual conscience eternity
involved exclusively in a relationship with only one chick. That is a
frightening concept at the very least. Anyone who finds anything good in that is
either not thinking logically or has some evil chick staring at him intently as
he reads this and must play it cool.
5. You will have to say goodbye to your single friends The guys you go to keg
parties with, the random dudes that show up to blaze you out, the drunken group
of fools you work with? all gone. You have to go home because you have a wife.
Thinking of taking her with you? That violates man rule number fifteen, section
b, paragraph three, which clearly states in bold letters: ?You do not bring sand
to the beach, you asshole.?
6. It is a suckers bet. If you do your homework, you can actually gain a slight
advantage over the house when putting your money on some blackjack. 3 out of 5
marriages fail in the first five years. Logically, you have a better chance to
rape Vegas for a few million dollars than you do having a happy home life. Also,
broken kneecaps don?t hurt as bad as woman-venom.
7. Marriage is a communist institution All this equality regardless of
contribution stuff doesn?t sound anything like Reagan?s trickle down economics.
Even worse, in most relationships, one person controls all the finances. That
borders on dictatorship.
8. Your diet will improve Don?t even think for a second this is a good thing. A
man needs a tough stomach just in case. We need to drink a little bacon grease
every now and then. Bran and granola are for sissies and women-hybrids. Salads
are only good if they have been sitting out for three days. Single guys have the
strongest immune systems in the entire universe. Marriage is like Kryptonite to
your super immune powers. ?Does that make my fianc? Lex Luther, Zero?? Yes, it
does.
And now, one for the chicks?
9. You?re better off without us. Seriously. The majority of us are rotten
barstards, and you?re lucky if you get one of us and not a metro sexual emo who
cries during movies and has a strange thing for small furry animals. Stay
single. The world needs single women to make bars fun.
Alert: If reading this top nine list made you so mad that you have begun to
bleed anally, please seek medical attention before proceeding to comment. Also,
the author excludes himself from any responsibility due to incidental vaginal
blocking due to build up of sand or other such mineral composites therein.
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[b] 80 year old Italian man[/b]
An 80-year old Italian man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay
in such great physical condition?”
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,”and that’s why I’m
in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
“Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s
still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
walk, that’s why he’s still alive.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to
it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is
getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with
you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it “Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
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[b][i]One for Steffi and any other blonds[/i][/b]
[b]A Blonde Attempts Suicide[/b]
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your
finger?”
“No, Silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in
the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3,000.00 to get my
teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.