Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Claude Monet of prison.”
Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.”
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. “I brought these.”
The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . .”
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President’s ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.
The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.
The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, “Mr. President, I said it’s time to throw out the first pitch.”
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”
Two cowboy dudes were drinking in a bar & talking about sex.
The 1st cowboy says he likes to do it rodeo style.
The 2nd cowboy asks how do you do it rodeo style?
The 1st cowboy explains, “Get her in bed on all fours, doggie style & whisper in her ear, “Your sister likes it this way too.” Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.”
One day an elephant is lying on the jungle floor with a thorn stuck in his foot.
An ant comes along and offers to take the thorn out of the felled elephants foot.
The ant proceeds to remove the thorn and the elephant then turns to the ant and says “How can I ever repay you ?” To which the ant replies “Well I’ve never screwed an elephant, let me fuck you and we’ll call it quits “.
So the elephant turns round and the ant crawls up behind its tail and just as the ant enters the elephant a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
the elephant cries out and the ant shouts “That’s right bitch take it all”.
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was old and forgetful and decided to humor him, “It did? I’m sorry to hear that”, she replied. Two days later Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging outside of his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr. Smith! I thought you said your penis died!?” “It did”, he replied, “Today’s the viewing!”
Four nuns are waiting to get to heaven. The first nun approaches the gate
and God asks her if she has anything to declare, she says “Yes, I once saw a mans penis.” God says “Go wash your eyes in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates of Heaven. The second nun approaches, and God asks if she has anything to declare, and the nun says “Yes I once touched a mans penis.” God says “Go wash your hands in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates the heaven.” The third and fourth nun start arguing, and when God asks what’s wrong, the third nun says, “I want to gargle in the Holy Fountain first before she sticks her ass in it.”
Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them
jumps up screaming, “A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!”. The other friend said, “don’t worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!”. So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. “Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!” the friends says. “It’s ok”, the doctor says, “all you have to do is suck the poison out.” .The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, “WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?” ,the other friends replies, “doctor said you gonna die!”
A ventriloquist who retired from show business decided to try the rural life, so he went to inspect a farm that was for sale. The farmer was taking him around, and the ventriloquist, who loved practical jokes, couldn’t resist playing a little prank. As they walked through the barnyard, a cow standing by the fence suddenly spoke – or seemed to.
“Your hands are awfully cold when you milk me in the morning,” the cow said. The farmer gave the cow a startled look.
Then a passing chicken complained, “I wish you’d collect the eggs
sooner.”
The farmer seemed a bit stricken. The ventriloquist didn’t say a word, and they continued walking on. As they approached some sheep, the farmer said, “Don’t believe anything these sheep say. They’re terrible liars.
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread. One man says: “Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!” the other says: “Oh no, it isn’t hair, it is dark panties!”
Then they made a bet – $100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them. He did so, but takes all the money and walks away.
“What happened, why are you taking the money?!” Asked the waiter. He replies: “Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!”
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, “I really need to take a
crap…”
The second replied, “Well there’s a tree, go behind it and do your stuff.” The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, “But, I don’t have any toilet paper.”
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, “You have a dollar don’t you? Just use it to wipe yourself.” Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, “Damn, what happened? Didn’t you use the dollar?” “Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?”
There was a man driving down the street looking for a place to stop so he could go to the bathroom. He stopped at a bar and went inside. “Bartender! Where is the bathroom, I really need to go?!” he asked. The bartender pointed him to the bathroom. So the man went to the bathroom and looked over to the side. There was no toilet paper! “Oh no,” he thought. He looked over again and saw a sign that said: If out of toilet paper use your thumb and ask the bartender for a “thumb wipe”. He thought this was really gross but he had no choice. So he wiped himself with his thumb and went to the bartender. He was trying to hide his thumb with his other hand. “Bartender!” he said. “What can I do for you?” asked the bartender. “Um.. there was no toilet paper and I need a thumb wipe. “Oh,” said the bartender. “Put your thumb on the bar.” “On the bar?” The bartender replied, “Yes, on the bar.” So the man put his thumb on the bar and the bartender pulled out a hammer and slammed it hard on the guys thumb. The man’s instant reaction was to put his thumb in his mouth.
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” About 35 was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?” “Nope, I am actually 47.”
She’s starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the woman says, “That was brilliant! How the hell did you do that?” The old man replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie’s study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon.”
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”
And . . . 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”
“What! Are you crazy!”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.
“No! Someone might see us…”
“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you’ll like it.”
“No! I said no!”
“Baby… don’t be like that.”
Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her night-gown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, “Right, you’re done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can’t mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand.”
The man went home and lay down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn’t get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
“Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be,” his wife said.
“It’s not that,” he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, “What is it then?”
He replied, “When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders.”
A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. “Do you have any work for me?” he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded, “You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I’m looking for someone to mind this store for me.”
“When do I start?” the guy asked.
“Now. I’m leaving for the other store shortly.” The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. “How much for the white dildo?”
“Forty dollars,” he said.
“How much for the black dildo?”
“Forty dollars.”
“Give me the . . . uh, black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. “How much for the black dildo?” she asked.
“Forty dollars.”
“How much for the white dildo?”
“Forty dollars.”
After thinking a moment, the woman said, “Give me the . . . uh, white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She paid and left.
Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. “How much for the white dildo?” she asked.
“Forty dollars.”
“How much for the black dildo?”
“Forty dollars.”
“And how much for the chequered one on your counter there?”
“Two hundred dollars.”
“Give me . . . uh, the chequered one. I’ve never had a chequered one before.” She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned. “How was your first day?”
“Great!” the guy responded. “I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred.”