Least favorite support request?

I think a new codename for the next Windows version should be Bongsmoke and all naming rights go to Mrafrohead.

by cranss Jul 13, 2004

And don't you just love to hear at your performance review "you need to work on your people skills, etc., etc." Hello? I'm in the COMPUTER department! If I had people skills I'd be in the SALES department, or running for public office! When you go to get your car fixed, you don't expect Jeeves the butler to be working under the hood, do you?

by draves Jul 13, 2004

I had a call from the VP - music wasn't playing from his CD!!!

By the time I got to his desk, the secretary was there and had turned UP the volumne on the speakers.
She knew the problem right away, because he had called her in the day before to turn DOWN the volumne.

You're right the BIG BUCKS! Makes you wonder!!!

by jackofalltech Feb 4, 2003

I don't do direct support anymore but I remember what it was like and I couldn't agree more!

Ralph

by ctrl alt del Feb 4, 2003

For a user to be complete they would need a CTRL ALT DEL interface or at least a RESET button.

I've contemplated a manual version with two fingers up the user's nose and one in the eye but company policy prohibits physical abuse of users no matter how stupid they are.

I would pay for that hot-key combination!

by athelwolfe Jul 13, 2004

the ones that just call in because their staff is griping at them even though they know the problem can't be fixed without them throwing large amounts of money at it. They just make the call because they have to show their people that their doing something about it even though they know we can't fix it before they even pick up the phone.

by trogg Jul 13, 2004

Ohhhhh Yesss my Brother... I'm with you! Normally I just read here but I must post a reply! I manage a Help Desk for a hospital and must agree entirely... when they call and drone on and on about what a crappy machine they have and how slow and unresponsive the system is I turn on my standard recorded message that asks them "When was the last time you rebooted your machine?" As they sit there and try to remember what month of the year it was I SMS into their machine and restart it and magically (*poof*)it's OK again! And of course there are those special people that hink because they power off the monitor they have shut down the PC! (Oh God... the pain is coming back!)

by when in doubt Feb 4, 2003

When a customer says that all their systems in their department(of about 30) are down. Just so that you can come down and find out that only computer has a problem, and it was all at the user level. Or the one that tells you what pieces of junk your Dells are, and that his e-machine or purple colored mac at home is much better. How about the one who took an intro to computers class, and wants Admin rights to the system because he knows how to create an icon. There's more, but I would exceedthe maximum length.

by madroxxx Feb 4, 2003

I love the ones that won't fess to what they did.
"I was just sitting here and now my files are gone."
I try to explain that I am not going to brow beat them about it. It would just help me trouble shoot the problem if I actually knew what happened.

by reefurbb Jul 13, 2004

"I didn't reload imesh." "I didn't randomly delete unnecessary files." "I didn't open any attachments." "I always shut down properly." "I didn't get any blue screen." "I didn't let anyone mess with the PC." "I didn't get into bios." "I didn't click on any free stuff." "I updated stuff." "I didn't try installing anything." "I didn't try fixing it myself."

I deleted all of x's folders off of the server yesterday but I was to busy to tell you.....

.... when the day before's backup is now stored safely off site 23 miles away.

you got it madroxx....
like they weren't doing anything!
So you say "what were you doing?" and they say "nuthin'!" and you say "no I mean what programs were you using, what was it you were trying to do..." and they get defensive as if you were accusung them of tampering with their machines!
Then the boss asks "did you figure out what was wrong with their system?" answer: "PEBCAK."
(Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard)

by goodolepop Jul 13, 2004

I usually just tell them it's a "loose nut on the keyboard." They never know whether to laugh or be insulted.

by eddie.limoncelli Jul 13, 2004

When you ask them what were they doing, or what did they click on, when it happened, and they say "I don't know."

!!!!!

My response is always: "Weren't you there when you did it???" Unfortunately, my "humor" is usually lost on them. These are the users whose email icon on their desktop is renamed with their password because they double-click too slowly and don't even look to see that the email program hasn't started up.

by chadg Jul 13, 2004

Me: What were you working on when the error occurred?
User: Nothing.
Me: What happened right before the error occurred?
User: Nothing.
Me: What program were you using?
User: I WASN'T USING ANYTHING!!! IT JUST CRASHED!!!
User: What are you going to do about it?
Me: Nothing?

Chad

by guruofdos Feb 4, 2003

Er.....computers, peripherals, Operating Systems, Applications, Users.

Worst case scenario is getting any combination of one or more of the first four with the latter.

by armourbl Feb 4, 2003

"My mouse stopped working all of a sudden." Then you check the connection to find that 3 pins are now smashed inside the male end and 2 are jammed in the female end.

Open mouth, insert new motherboard.

ben

by romele Feb 23, 2003

Because I turned off 80 last night......my mistake. Or my keyboard doesn't work and I walk over, look at it and see water on it. When I ask about that the user says "oh, it doesn't like water? I may have spilled some in it, but I've done that beforeand it never stopped working."

by oldefar Feb 4, 2003

I'll take the calls from foolish users any time over the tech who finally decides he needs help. Of course, any attempt to determine the symptoms or suggest an action is met with the attitude that "I already tried that, its not related, how stupid do you think I am" and so on.

Of course, when the problem turns out to be that simple cable disconnected or option set wrong (that they insist they already checked) it makes my day.

True story - system on a military aircraft failed 4 flights ina row. Maintenance unable to duplicate on the ground. Requests the operator, an officer and a gentleman by act of Congress, to write down all settings next failure to prevent a tech riding the jump seat next mission.

System failed, operator livid. Debriefing went something like this - Blah switch set to blah, blah blah function is blah, freq set at such and such, oh en oh ef ef switch set to oh ef ef. Sound of snickering by fellow crew members, chief of maintenance, tech team. Wing commander "Perhaps if you set your ON/OFF switch to ON your system would work, you damn fool!"

by thechas Feb 4, 2003

How many keyboards have you replaced because they are full of food, coffee, hair, or other unsavory debris?

What PC maintenance task is worse than cleaning a cheap keyboard because the department head won't spend money to replace a perfectly good (but dirty) keyboard.

Chas

by guruofdos Feb 4, 2003

Er, hello Mike...I wonder if you can help me with a technical issue??

Yes, whassssuuuuuppppp????

Well...I keep getting an error message and it's telling me to 'Press Any Key' to continue.

Yes?

Well, I can find Del and Esc and so forth, but I can't seem to see an "Any" key on my keyboard....

Right...box up the whole system, monitor, mouse and all, and bring it into the workshop.

So you know what the problem is then?

Yes....you are too stupid to have a computer!

by maxwell edison Feb 5, 2003

I used to have a Win95 gag program some time ago (but I can't find it right now) that would run at random times. A pop up window would appear, and it said something like:

Windows was haulted.
Press Any Key to format your hard drive.
Press any other key to abort.

After the first heart attack I quit using it.

...phone rings/stopped in hall:
Me: Yes
Them: I got an error in xyz application.
Me: oh, ok what did it say?
Them: I dunno.. I just clicked ok and called you....
Me: Gee thanks.....

Chas - Use the dishwasher. Set it to Air Dry and wash the keyboards Friday if your business is closed on the weekends. Pull them out of the dishwasher and shake them out to make sure there's no "puddles" inside. Then let it dry throughout the weekend.

Verify it's dry completely before reconnecting to the machine and you're good to go!!!

Or at least that's what I keep reading;)

Mrafrohead

by thechas Feb 5, 2003

The dishwasher might work for some of the keyboards that I have cleaned.

I would want to verify the internal construction first though.

The 'good' old IBM's with the actual switches for each key could be permanently damaged from water immersion.

Also, any keyboard that uses a folded membrane for the switch circuitry can trap water between the layers of the membrane for days.

The dishwasher would likely work very well for the Gateway keyboard that I just cleaned, as it would drain and dry fully.

As someone with a lot of experience in electronics manufacturing, I cringe at the potential implications of Dishwasher cleaning.

First, this will only work if your tap water is very clean to begin with. The water used for cleaning circuit boards is often processed to a minimum purity of 10Meg Ohms. Whereas common tap water can be less than 1000 Ohms.
(Pure water is an insulator with infinite impedance.)

Then, there are the contaminates on the keyboard that you are trying to wash away. You are at risk for trapping particles at the least appropriate location inside the keyboard.

Some keys still have metal bails, and many of these will rust after being immersed in water.

All-in-all, I'll pass on using the dishwasher, and stick with full dis-assembly and cleaning.

Although, placing the keys in a mesh bag, and placing the top and bottom of the keyboard in the dishwasher may be a very good alternative to hand washing.

Chas

As someone leaves the company I replace the keyboard with a refurbed one. When I am waiting for a Microsoft download I clean the "spare". Removing those keys with a nail file is a cinch.

Result no user sticking keys problems interrupting a smooth runnning day..... Same goes for mice except they get cleaned everytime I use a User's PC!

As someone leaves the company I replace the keyboard with a refurbed one. When I am waiting for a Microsoft download I clean the "spare". Removing those keys with a nail file is a cinch.

Result no user sticking keys problems interrupting a smooth runnning day..... Same goes for mice except they get cleaned everytime I use a User's PC!

by jereg Feb 4, 2003

I have users (with the old PC's), that load all kinds of crappy programs on their PC. Games for the kids, that cute screen saver, that stupid cat that runs around, Webshots that loads a different background every 30 seconds, etc. Then, when the box slows down, and the BSOD appears, they call and say, "My PC doesn't work". I delete everything and explain that your 200mhz pent. will not run all the junk you've loaded. Stop it.
Next week, it's all back and it's locking up again. Now comes the worst job. Because there are so many random files out there, the PC won't work. I have to reformat and reinstall the OS. This takes hours. The first few hundred times I reinstalled the OS it was fun. Now......
The good news is, we're moving to W2K and every one is a restricted user. And, I have an image, so I can ghost a drive in 20 minutes.

DON'T let them load WebShots on a machine if it's in a business.

Webshots contains a program called Gator in it. Gator is spyware and it WILL collect random data about your computer, software, browsing habits, etc... and send all of that info to an offsite server for someone you don't know to see.

I would give them a very firm and very strict warning: This is your ONLY warning, you do it again and you will be fired on the spot, no questions asked.

It's a huge security breech in a company environment. No matter how nice the blasted backgrounds are!

Mrafrohead

Gator will get loaded from plenty of other sites too. Especially if the user is used to just saying yes to every pop up that appears on their screen.

Try running adaware to remove spyware programs. It is freeware and works pretty good in my opinion. The full version works like a virus detection software or software firewall, dynamically removing or blocking spyware from your system.

To get the adaware program just do a google search.

ben

by it support services manager Feb 4, 2003

we have incorporated Spybot S&D into our images... set to scan weekly in the background..
messes up webshots half the time other half it keeps working but no spyware ;)

by ctrl alt del Feb 4, 2003

My favourite is the machine riddled with porn diallers and pop-under engines.

Amazingly one of the following will always apply:
1) I have never been near a porn site.
2) It must have been someone else (cute when its a managers machine in their office!)
3) It must have been an-email sent to me but I never open anything from anyone I do not know.
4)I can't spell alt.xxx and what is a newsgroup?
5) I can't be me as healthy hetrosexual and I would never go to sites like bisexual.xxx or fistupthexxx.com

My normal response for such people is removal of the machine to "fix" it......I normally follow up by phoning call 10 minutes later saying that we found the fault but that the machine is unrecoverable as the backup for it is not valid.
More downtime to follow.....surely they are not going to complain when they know you know; besides they need to know how important their machine is to them by the end of a couple of days write everything out and fax it!!!!! ;-)

I just hate it when they start of with "Your computer is not working" It's like they feel that I am personally to blame for the problem. My second favorite is when I spend time trying to help someone fix a computer over the phone. Only when I get stumped and offer to come over do I find out that this is their home computer. Grrrrrr

This thread has gone completely south...

But, I have to agree. Computers are rarely a part of the interview process. They hire a plumber supervisor who will be responible for everything plumbing. Sure he is more than qualified, but can he run thecomputer software that is necessary to log work orders and track expenditures...NO.

There should be more emphasis on basic computer skills being a requirement for job positions that require the employee to use a computer in their day to day duties.

ben

Well said Ben. My mother brings her laptop home and dials in to her corporate bank network...my mind is straight.

An 'intro to computer' lesson and assessment would definitely help her seeing as she doesnt understand speed and performance issues. She really can never put words into the problem she is trying to describe. she's my mother and I love her so I dont see her as a 'user', just another blessed soul dependant on electric miracles.

by cactus pete Feb 5, 2003

"How do you _____________ ... again?"

That is true, but with WebShots, you're guarenteed to have it, as it's included in their fine installer.

And if you find Webshots the person should be put into a metal trashcan with a lid on it and rolled down a tall bumpy hill. The security holes are wide and deep and there should be no tolerance for that type of negligence.

by dbgirl Feb 5, 2003

Do you know anything about __________?
Or should I find one of the guys?

Yes, I get that all the time. The 'guys' they are referring to are trained by me. Being the only girl in a long-time 'boys club' has been an education. Of course, I loveto prove that I can handle anything thrown at me.

Well, my co-worker is a girl, well, woman, but anyways. I admitt all the time that she knows more than me, even though we are classed as equals...

ben

by thechas Feb 5, 2003

The web address for the AdAware home page is www.lavasoft.de

I always prefer to get software direct from the source, or their approved mirrors.

Chas

I should have just put the link to the website. Sorry. But the google search give you the Lavasoft website as the first return.

ben

by goodolepop Jul 13, 2004

I have used Spybot-Search & Destroy in conjuction with Adaware for several months. You have to keep up with the updates to the software as well as definitions (can be a bit of a pain) but they compliment each other very well.

by maxwell edison Feb 5, 2003

Do you have a minute?

by pesk, mbcs, mcse, mcitp, sts Feb 5, 2003

Should be more like, do you have half of your day...

seeing as your here, could you pretty please...
And those calls logged as 'HDD or PC inop.'...

by gawiman May 28, 2004

It was 8pm, and I was entering the church for the visitation of my dear friend who had died of a heart attack. Three feet inside the door, our nitwit minister buttonholed me for a computer question. I was so shocked I just stood there dumbly, and answered his question.

by admingirl Jul 13, 2004

I've learned there is no safe place. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting with 5 people outside on "break" (what is a break again?!) chatting or making the mad dash through the office's. There are 10 people that feel their request for just a minute requires immediate attention no matter what I'm doing.
Then on to the "my pc at home is broke, so what should I do?"....Then to find out they have never used a piece of virus software on that home pc that is strictly used for internet and e-mail?!?!

by cmb from omaha Jul 13, 2004

Ah, but have they ever cornered you in the "loo"? I nearly had to tell one user that she was flirting with getting her shoes wet.

One never wants to get between a middle-aged woman and "the necessary"; I don't care how much trouble Microsoft Word is giving you!

Two things here I'm thinking.

First is yes, I should have definately clarified here.. If you have metal springs, or metal period in your board, "not including solder for connections", I wouldn't use the dishwasher method.

Although, I was referring to the generic keyboards that are just all plastic mass produced cheap POS keyboards. The kind that come with most prefab machines.

The other thing though, if you are seriously taking them apart to that extent, it would probably be more cost effective to just buy a new keyboard than to have you spend that much time to clean it.

And if they're really worried about costs like that, propose to management that they start to charge individuals for destroying their keyboards with their cookie crumbs and coffee. You break it, you replace it. I think that's the best policy;)

Mrafrohead

If you contract out for your computer systems purchases, talk with the vendor about getting a break on the price for replacement keyboards. Or try to swap something like those cheesy speakers for extra keyboards...

Also, if your users are destroying keyboards, start buying them the cheap $3 models. Where I work we never clean the keyboards. In fact, if the keyboard is so filthy that it might have the cure for cancer, we actually refuse to help the user. People need to be held responsible fortheir total disregard for company equipment. Personally, I note in my weekly reports when I find a system is being neglected.

That reminds me of the person who said their keyboard just stopped working. When I went to replace about 8 ounces of Mountain Dew spilled from the keyboard. I responded in a very sarcastic tone of voice, "Ah, there is your problem...no wonder it just stopped working."

ben

by jrats_revenge Jul 13, 2004

I was actually impressed when one of my end users spilled a bucket sized glass of water into her keyboard. I thought it was going to be toast until I realized the ingenuity of the design. The base where the components and circuit board are located is sealed from the keys with "drain holes" located beneath the keypad sections. I opened up the base to see if there was any damage and to my suprise it was totally dry. AMAZING from the amount of water that landed on it.

by thamer Feb 7, 2003

In addition to the "User just hang up" and "Wrong number called by user" ... I find this probem as described in the log ... weird:

"User called and then said its ok, he's done!"

... The receiever of the call was a female.

by dinotech Feb 25, 2003

read publications, check mail, write a memo. Do other trivial work while the user gabs on. Sometimes there is a mixed blessing in support calls like that -- good practice for multitasking!

Dino

by mike May 27, 2004

My favorite is when the laptop users come in and say, ?I can?t get email, internet, or even print anything!? I ask them if they are plugged into the network, and suddenly you can feel the stupid look on their face.

by oz_media May 27, 2004

ME: "Are you SURE you are logged in?"
USER: "OH yes, I've been using it all morning"
ME: "On the Network or just files on your hadr drive?"
USER: "Yes, on the network"
ME: "Open My Computer and tell me what drive letters you see"
USR: "Uh, A, C, D"
ME: "You are not connected to the network, right click the Red N beside the little clock in the bottom right corner of your screen and select Netware Login"
USER: "Well, I WAS logged in, it must have kicked me out!"

ME: "Yes I know, these networks are silly things aren't they, at least you were on top of things enough to just call me instead of wasting your own time trying to figure it out. Anyway I have to go and send this invoice to your boss, you have a great day and thanks for letting me know before trying to play around yourself."

Acually dumb users make my day. If everyone was computer and network savvy, I'd be looking for something else to do with my time.

by wanda Jul 13, 2004

User tells the MD (not the helpdesk!) that the exchange server has gone down. The MD flaps because he is expecting an important email. I get called in eventually and plug the ethernet cable into the laptop and get an immediate connection.

by oz_media May 27, 2004

I get onsite to fix a hardware issue and while I'm there, these odd boxes just start mysteriously appearing at my feet with little notes on them.

USER: "My sister-inlaw's cousins', uncle's, daughter's computer is doing wied stuff and now I think it's just a blue screen.......when you have time of course!",

or

USER "This thing here is running really screwy, the other day I went to print, actually while on the web using Explorer and I am gettnig a problem with the error messages that keep popping up!"

Me: "what kind of error messages,?"

USER "Oh just that explorer something caused this thing that is crashing and I need to press Ctrl+Alt+Del. Do you know what that is ?"

Well as I am on site and USUALLY these boxes are from upper management I end up looking at them. Often they wil follow me home and taking up my valuable recreational time, which I get really pissed about.

THe kicker is when you go through EVERYTHING and still can't find a problem, everything is tweaked and running like a top. You take it back and ask again, what EXACTLY was wrong with it?

USER: "Well it only happened once but I thought i might have a virus or something"

'ka-ching', BILL THE BOSS for his anal users wasting your time.

I provide phone support for a software comany. A man called from a payphone in Manhattan, NY concerning our program and his PC, which conveniently was not at the payphone. I explained to him that he would need to be at the PC to help and amongst the traffic sounds and city noise in the background he replied:

'you dont know what its like in manhattan'

all the best legitimate full version network scanning/monitoring software...

the girl i love along with MY favorite pornstar having intellectually stimulating conversations beside me while I repair these machines...

and the latest rare doors live album i just downloaded from...

and the sticky greens...

and the VP's wife who thinks im sexy because i can fix her both her boxes while her man cant fix either one...

by bbbucko May 27, 2004

"What do you mean I can't have every installed application open at once?!"

"...I need to be more patient, isn't this a Pentium!"

"...you want me to write down what it says the next time it happens?"

"...I can't install my home dialup account on my laptop"

"...I got a virus, isn't that what NAV's for?"

"...I need to archive off some of my 3GB PST file. I need ALL those emails"

"...I should have been running the backup routine more frequently?"

"...It's F.U.B.A.R. - Fix it now!"

~sigh~ Keep Smiling!

by tomsal May 28, 2004

The support request I hate most is really for those that are ungrateful for your help. Now you, me and ANYONE who dubs thee self a professional in the IT feild we know its pretty much a thankless job.

But the case I'm pointing out is for folks outside of work, you know our supposed "friends" (or like said before for a "friend of a friend").

Early last month I finally got tired of hearing one of my friends whine, moan, complain eternally about how her CDRW doesn't work and she can't burn any of her MP3's.... yada yada...

So because this is a long time friend and we supported each other in the past in rough times...I not only offer to fix it during my vacation time, but I buy her a spanking new CDRW drive. I install it (oh her pc is dog slow -- celeron 1 gig, but she also loads it with tons of crap) works fine for me -- all the while I was being rushed to complete the job "Tommy you done yet...hurry up.." oook so anyway.

No thanks. No nothing. And now just this week in an email I got at home she's complaining that I ruined her pc, that the CDRW slowed it down. Its all BS..but I guess I have a chip on my shoulder (sorry for the seriously venting style of this one) since for so long we were great friends now all of a sudden she's like welll...a B*&ch!

by salamander May 28, 2004

I've experienced this at least twice and still can't quite believe it. Actually, it's one of my favorites because it's so easy to fix. :^)

User: "Awwwg! I can't log into this %$#* software!"
Me: "What's it doing when you try to log in?"
User: "Nothing! Absolutely nothing. It won't take my user id. Piece of crap."
Me: "Don't hurt it. I'll be right there."

Given the squirrely software we deal with, it could be anything, and I am hoping that it's something simple. After about five seconds in the user's chair, I am able to log in.

User: "How'd you do that?"
Me: "Numlocks weren't on. Don't worry; happens all the time..."

by jamesrl May 31, 2004

Picture this scenario:

New employee -MBA, thinks they walk on water.
New employee calls up and asks: "Can someone install XYZ software on my computer? I've used it at other companies and I am really expert in it."

Me: "I'm sorry but thats not one of our corporate standards. For the same purpose we use ABC software. We can install that."

User: "But I don't know how to use ABC - why can't you install XYZ?"

Me: " ABC is our corporate standard - we are licensed for it, we test it with our operating system and in our environment and we can fully support your use of it. We haven't done the same for XYZ, and we can't support it."

User: " Fine I will think about it."

Now user has figured out that we work on shifts. He doesn't know that we like to overlap shifts to make sure we have a good handoff and that we cover the status of any high priorty requests.

User calls 5 minutes after my shift ends. Asks Help Desk person number two exact same questions as me. I start to smile and begin writing stuff on the white board. Mr. MBA smartpants is rewarded with the response that it shows in the database that you asked that question earlier today, and you got your answer.

A couple of months later, I show up to see the user on an unrelated issue. I note that he has the software installed. I ask to see the company invoice for the software. He can't produce it. I delete the software(but save his working files. He pouts. I point out the corporate policy on software piracy. He pouts some more.

Gotta love that.

James

by leyther Jul 13, 2004

He touches a computer, it gives up the ghost. I've been asked to contact microsoft to complain about a change they've made to Word on occasions because he doesnt like it. No Internet connection...my fault, no emails...my fault; but if everythings working ok...nadda ;o) But what can u say to the boss?...u just have to listen, nod on occasion, hmm and ahh then ignore most of what he says.

by waidz176 Jul 13, 2004

This is a timeless classic in any Support Professional's book I would think. 99.99% of the time it's the most obvious problems (caps lock, forgot password, convinced it was the right password etc ad nauseum...).
The other irritating request for me personally was always the other classic "my computer is slow". As they say...Problem is mostly always BCAK.

by soulman918 Jul 13, 2004

User: The computer says I'm locked out.
ME: Were you prompted to change your password?
User: I was, but I just always skip past that.
ME: You need to change your password when you get the message that your password will expire.
User: Oh, really? I didn't know that.

User: My keyboard/mouse/monitor is not working.
ME: Please check that the cables are snug in the back of your pc.
User: Yes they are all snug, it's still not working. You'll have to come and see.
Me after coming to the user: Okay it's all fixed.
User: So, what was the problem?
ME: The monitor cable was unplugged ($#&^)

And my favorite!
User: Hi I just received an error in can you take a look at it?
ME: What is the error?
User: I don't know. It was on the screen and I hit escape and it went away.

by help desk guru Jul 13, 2004

We've all encountered them; the LUSER. If you dont know what a LUSER is, read here: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=luser

Commonly heard phrases from the LUSERS:
LUSER: "The computer forgot my password."

LUSER: "My printer stopped working."
ME: "What kind of printer do you have?"
LUSER: "A brown one."

LUSER: "Who is General Protection and why does he find faults with my computer?"

LUSER: "I cant see the little pictures on the TV-screen thingy."

LUSER: "I changed my password to my cat's name, but I have 14 cats. Can you tell me which one I used?"

LUSER: "If I spilled the water from my plant into the monitor and printer, is that bad?"

LUSER: "I don't like the screen savers on this computer. I need WebShots installed." (Note they used the word 'need.')

LUSER: "I have a lot of porn popups on the screen. Can you remove them before my boss sees them?"

by bheinco Jul 13, 2004

In addition to the classics I've seen here already, I guess the one that always gets me is the guy or gal, usually a Sales / Marketing type who wants you to spec out their home computing environment down to model numbers and best prices available, and THEN they want you to give them detailed instructions on how to setup AND you home phone for when they are trying to do this on the weekend. This person is usually the one in the office who takes up most of your time with those ?the sky is falling' problems.

by glgruver Jul 13, 2004

Believe it or not, many times the user is correct. We have found that many of these problems are caused by inadequate CPU cooling. Some times a fan goes bad, or dust clogs the cooling vents, or even a slow fan that does not move enough air to cool the processor. The most frustrating case I encountered early in my career turned out to be an intermittant cooling fan on a processor.

Of course, there is always the "technologically challenged" user too. But if the user seems to be competent otherwise, save yourself some grief and check the cooling system.

by voicendatanyc Jul 13, 2004

When the call contains nothing but three simple words, then the sound of a phone being slammed down:

"I can't print."

by moey242 Jul 13, 2004

Although, several people brought up good ones; the two things that annoy me the most is when I am on-site and someone makes a comment that we are "playing" with something.

or

"are you here to break something?"

or

"what do you do when no one calls the help desk?" ...my job. (i am the network admin who helps out the H.D. when necessary)

by llokken Jul 13, 2004

Since I am the only IT person here it get really overwhelming at times, one particular user pushed me over the edge. So I started his computer in DOS and changed the prompt to say something about a virus and error codes to look pretty scary and left it for him to see. This "super user" freaked as I asked him what did he do,or download and our whole network could be at risk, etc... I got him so rattled up that he had to take a walk which gave me plenty of time to do a restart and "fix" the problem. It helped for a little while at least, before he became a "super user" again. Funny he never recognized he was in DOS!

My colleague was the first to get a colour monitor and we were sure someone else was using it at night even though the office was locked - so we changed the text/background colours to show as black on black. The next morning the help desk technician was found sweating over the "problem". We found out who called the helpdesk and discovered our illicit overnight "user" had obtained access to the office via the cleaning staff! It was a senior manager from another department!

The Help Desk guy was really pleased that we knew what to do to put it right! We continued to reset the monitor morning and night. The Senior Manager got his own colour monitor eventually!

by jwalsh Jul 13, 2004

Every time that phone rings, I hear, "Job security calling"... 90% of it is simple- so we seem like Gods. The other 10% can be pretty challenging and that keeps it interesting.

by morrillotech Jul 13, 2004

I agree 100%. The "Dumb users" are not only job security, they are also quite amusing at times. They are credited for keeping this job fun. It just amazes me that they can come up with something new each and every day. As long as my paycheck shows up every 2 weeks, long live the "Dumb user".

by cranss Jul 13, 2004

Who knows, could be toner, could be loose cable, could be Windoze. All they know to say is "I can't print". "I can't print". For work orders like that I enter "PEBCAK" (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard). That way later I run a search based on that.

we've got one user who will call within 3 mins of our proxy going down... did a test with a stop watch to time him... exactly 2:52 after i stopped the proxy he called... who needs automated alerts with users like these?

by rgtx Jul 13, 2004

There are lots of things that drive me nuts that our users do, but probably one of the most irritating things is when some brainiac runs a document through the network scanner with wet liquid paper on it.

by strausy Jul 13, 2004

The most annoying thing I have is when people say "This is not work related, but my home computer has a virus or is slow or doesn't work or etc..." 99% of the time I say, if it isn't your work computer I get paid $x/hour to fix it, still interested in asking me that question?

The other 1%, the owner of the company calls and asks me to come to his house to fix his computer that his daughter has messed up. So far in a year that has been 12 times. Still haven't even gotten a "thank you" for taking my own time to fix his personal computer. I have to do it because in my job description, it says I have to be nice, especially to computer illiterate people. I wish I was making that one up.

And they wonder why we hate people.

I'm the head tech here... I always figured the easiest way to get people to stop with the :got a personal problem" was to make it a perq for working at a company with a full service IT department to fix users home PC's. that way the answer is the same to everyone;"Bring it in."
When they say"...but i don't want to" you can say with a straight face "Fine, but then I can't fix it."
The caveat is that some people will start to take the service for granted, but then you'd be amazed at how their tunes change when you hang onto the puters for a month ;)

by labbie Jul 13, 2004

I did this years ago. If you want me to work on your home PC, bring it in and I'll work on it when I have the time. Could be a day, could be two weeks. The only time I ever went to the user's house to work on a PC was the Big Boss's PC, and I went during the work day. That works for me.

If they don't want to bring it in, I tell them they can always pay me $xxx/hour and I'll work on it at night or weekends. How much $$$/hour depends on how much you like that person or how much work you think the task might entail.

It's amazing how many people will bring in their box for free, although possibly not-too-timely, service. And most of the time it takes about 15 minutes to debug & fix, but don't tell them that.

by consultant-1 Jul 13, 2004

Sure, I'll upgrade the IOS in your router...after making sure you have the new IOS, more memory, and then I get a grand total of one hour of billable for the sheer terror of possibly finding out that I'm in ROM mode on the reboot because the tftp image was corrupt, or that your dialup hardware doesn't work with the new IOS...and why did you even want to do the upgrade in the first place?

by swteach Jul 13, 2004

I support an office of about 275 users, all with identical P4's loaded from a proven, standard ghost image.
One of my users often calls to complain that her computer "never works". Having confirmed that she did NOT load Webshots, Hotbar, or any other shenanigans, I was left with no choice but to observe her in action, to try to reproduce the problem while I watched.
This user is amazing! She uses keyboard shortcuts wherever possible. And she knows the responses needed in dialog boxes so well that her hands just flash across the keyboard, hitting the keys in anticipation of the required responses. The problem that keeps locking up her computer? She's too fast for the system! She loads the keyboard buffer so quickly that her system cannot process the keystrokes fast enough to satisfy the boxes and menus. Result: her desire to be efficient consistantly crashes her PC!

hey why not try the dishwasher... I'm sure as hell not cleaning them by hand... and then if they don't work? damn, we'll just have to buy new ones :)