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Friday Yuk

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by oz_media

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LIMERICKS THIS WEEK!
_____________________

THE SIZE OF THE COW WAS AMAZING
WE REMEMBER THE DAY
OF THE COW EATING HAY
'CAUSE SOON AFTER CHICAGO WAS BLAZING

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE SURGEON HAD FINISHED UP SEWING

THE FEET ON A MAN WITHOUT KNOWING

HE SWITCHED THEM AROUND
NOW HE WALKS INTO TOWN

THEY CAN'T TELL IF HE'S COMING OR GOING

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HERE ONCE WAS A GUY WHO BUILT MODELS

SOMETIMES HE PUT THEM IN BOTTLES

SOMETHING IN THE GLUE

MADE HIS BRAIN GO ASKEW

AND NOW HE CAN'T WALK HE JUST WADDLES

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I ONCE PLAYED A PRACTICAL JOKE

AND PUT POWDER IN SOME OLD MANS SMOKE

HE GAGGED AND HE WHEEZED

BUT IT WERN'T TILL HE SNEEZED

THAT THE PIPE JUST BLEW UP THE OLD BLOKE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I JUST GOT A GALLON OF BEER

THE TENDER SAID CLOSING TIME'S NEAR

SO I DRANK AND I CHUGGED

I CHUGGED AND I GLUGGED

AND SAID "ISH AIRE A BAFROOM IN"... BLAAAAAAAAAH

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS

WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS

IT SOON CAME TO PASS

HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS

BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS

[i] Now how did a gastronomical post like THAT with a line ending in GRASS, not have a line about A*S? [/i]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET

WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET

BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN

RAN AWAY WITH A MAN

AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED

BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE

SAW A MAN COME ALONG

AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG

YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY FROM CLYDE

WHO ATE FORTY APPLES AND DIED

THE APPLES FERMENTED

INSIDE THE LAMENTED

AND MADE CIDER INSIDE HER INSIDES
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A FLEA AND A FLY IN A FLUE

WERE IMPRISONED SO WHAT COULD THEY DO<

SAID THE FLY LET US FLEE

LET US FLY SAID THE FLEA

SO THEY FLEW THROUGH A FLAW IN THE FLUE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(But if we have ONE Nantucket limerick)

THERE WAS AN OLD MAN FROM NANTUCKET

WHO'S **** WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT

HE SAID WITH A GRIN, AS HE WIPED OFF HIS CHIN

IF MY MOUTH WAS A **** I WOULD **** IT.

(Don't BOO, just fill in the blanks and grimace!)

Sorry, it IS Friday afterall!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM LYME

WHO COULDN'T GET HIS LIMERICKS TO SOUND RIGHT

WHEN THEY ASKED HIM WHY NOT

IT WAS SAID THAT HE THOUGHT

THEY WERE OVERLY LONG, AND FAR TOO COMPLEX, POSSIBLY EVEN DULL :p

[b]HAVE A GREEEEEEEEEAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!![/b] :) :D :)

9 replies

by mrafrohead

Gum chewing boy.

Cud chewing cow.

There is a difference, I'll allow.

What is the difference? I've got it now.

It's the distinctive look on the face of a cow.

-----------------------------------------------

Thank you to my fifth grade teacher who made it so I would never be able to forget this silly little line...

by guruofdos

Sign scrawled on a condom vending machine:

'This chewing gum tastes awful!'

to which someone latter added:

'Yeah but look at the size of the bubbles you can blow with it!'

by oz_media

My GOD Guru, you sit in silence and when you finally rear your ugly head you spew some of the most hilarious lines!

well done mate, have a good one!

by guruofdos

A drunk leaning at a bar starts hitting on a woman along the counter. She's not too impressed by his line in chat so says to him "Leave me alone...you're drunk!"

He replies "Yeah, and you're butt-ugly, but at least I'll be sober in the morning!"

by oz_media

Sorry man,

I think that phrase (reared it's ugly head) came from Monty Pythons or an old song or something I heard as a kid and it just stuck with me. :p

I like to be 'colorful', even if off colour. :)

by don_c

Three little boys were sitting on a park bench

one little boy said my daddy is so bad he can eat a whopper in one bite

the second little boy said that ain't nothing my daddy can eat two whopper's in one bite

the third little boy said your daddies are weak my daddy eats window blinds

the other two boys your daddy can't eat window blinds

the boy said that he heard his daddy tell his mommy in the bathroom that if she pull the blinds down he'd eat that

by hal 9000

Little Johny is standing on top of the stairs with a hand full of M & M's and the cat beside him.

He takes one step down the stairs throws some M & M's into his mouth and pats the cat. He does exactly the same thing on the next step down and so on. Eventually his mother who is hanging out washing in the back yard asks him what he thinks he is doing?

Johny replies I'm working just like you said Dad does popping pills patting pussy and moving on.

Enjoy people!

Col

by guruofdos

...if the powers that be impose censorship or someone makes a beef about these:

*************************

A woman goes shopping and returns home in tears. Her husband asks her what the matter is.

"I went to buy shoes and I have never been so insulted in my life!", she replies.

"Why? What happened?" asks hubby.

"Well", she begins, "I needed new shoes to go with my new dress for your works dinner next week and I decided to visit that new shoe shop in the mall."

"And?", he prompts.

"Well, I forgot to put on any panties. The assistant measuring my feet saw right up my skirt. He looked at me and said 'Wow! I could eat that full of ice cream!' and I ran out of the shop in tears"

"Oh well...." responds hubby.

"Is that all you can say?", she replies. "Aren't you going to go down there and tear him off a strip?"

"Nope!", says hubby. "I take my hat off to anyone who can eat THAT much ice cream!"

***********

A woman complains of severe chest pains, so her husband makes her an appointment to see a doctor. He takes her in the car and drops her off at the doctors surgery. While she is in being seen, he potters around a nearby store doing a little shopping. When he goes back to collect his wife, she is in tears and very flustered.

"What's the matter?", he asks.

"That doctor started making rude remarks to me."

"Like what?" he replies.

"Well he started examining me, listening to my heart and chest. He took my pulse and my blood pressure"

"Yes....and?"

"And then he started telling me I had a nice.....you know!"

"No. A nice what?", asks the husband.

"You know......my snatch. He told me I had a nice pussy."

"Hmmmm. I'm not putting up with this!" says the husband, and goes storming into the doctors office. Without waiting to see the receptionist, he barges straight into the consulting room and challenges the doctor:

"Look you pervert! My wife has chest pains and comes here for your help, and all you can do is start making smart sexual remarks. I shall sue you for malpractice. What gives YOU the right to make comments about MY wife's beaver, eh?!!! Call yourself a doctor...you are nothing but a voyeur and a quack"

"Mr Smith!", says the doctor calmly. "There must have been a misunderstanding. All I did was examine your wife fully, completely and most professionally. I ran several checks on her and based on my findings I simply told her she had acute angina!"

********************

A man is getting rather worried about his wife's state of health. She's quite out of sorts and nothing like the woman he married. In a state of some anxiety, he seeks medical advice and is told by a doctor to bring her in for a full physical examination.

A few days later, he runs her to the surgery and drops her off. He is told by the receptionist that the once-over will take some time and could he come back in three hours or thereabouts.

He decides to pop down to the local golf course and practice his putting for a while, so he drives home, picks up his clubs and sets off.

A couple of hours later, he returns to the doctors office to collect his wife, only to be told that she has been admitted to hospital for further tests.

"Well, how long will she be in?", he asks.

"Oh, only a day or two. Bloodwork doesn't take too long to do but it does take a while to get the results back and we'd like to keep her under observation. Come in and collect her the day after tomorrow and we should be able to let you know what the problem is.", replies the doctor.

Well, two days later, our man goes to the hospital to collect his wife and take her home. On the way up to the ward, he is met by the doctor who asks him into his private office for a chat.

"Mr Jones." begins the doctor. "We have completed several dozen tests on your wife, and ruled out most illnesses, but unfortunately a couple of the tests were rather inconclusive."

"So what are you telling me? What is she suffering from?"

"Well. It could be one of two things really."

"Go on."

"Mr Jones. As I mentioned, she is suffering from one of two conditions and we are at a loss to determine which. I am sorry to inform you that your wife has either AIDS, or Altzheimers disease."

"Holy cow! Well that's a hell of a shock, either way. What on earth is going to happen now?"

"Hmmmm.", says the doctor. "If I might ask, how far away do you live?"

"Oh, about 18 miles or so", replies Mr Jones, "but how is that relevant?"

"Well sir. I suggest you let her out of the car about half way home. If she can find her way home ok, don't sleep with her!!!"

by hal 9000

Little Johny is in class and the teacher is telling the entire class about whales. She goes on to tell the class that while whales are the biggest animal on earth they are unable to swallow a human being because their throat are to small.

Well Little Johny who has just returned from "Bible Class" was having none of this and promptly demands why the teacher is Blaspheming and then goes on to insist that he has been taught from the Bible how Johna was swallowed buy a whale. The teacher replies that despite what is in the Bible it is a fact that a whale can not swallow a human being because the whales through is just to small to allow the head and shoulders to pass any further.

Well by this time Little Johny is in a real huff now says when I die and go to Heaven I'll ask Johna. The teacher replies well that's fine Johny but what if Johna isn't Heaven? Little Johny thinks about this for a moment and then replies well when you die I suppose you can ask him!

Col

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