Tell me a joke

Thought I give it a try, here goes:

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.

Honestly I believe you are misusing your points. We should discuss technical matters. However, sometimes a good joke may be the start of the solution to other problems.

Old Zeke of 71 married Mary of 21. After a year they got a baby. Old Zeke wasdelighted. After some thoughts he scratched his beard and decided to see the vicar.

Well, the vicar said, God?s roads are sometimes miraculous. However, I will tell you a story.

There was a man walking lonely in the dessert.
Suddenly a hungrylion was approaching. Running away was useless as lions run faster than men. Climbing in a tree was impossible as you know there are no trees in the middle of the dessert.
What else to do? The lion looked really hungry. So old Zeke directed his walking stick towards the lion and shouted: Bang!
Suddenly the lion dropped dead.

That is indeed miraculous, said old Zeke.

No, said the vicar, because behind him stood someone with a real gun.

Good luck.

It's important that a man has a woman who cooks and cleans.
It' important that a man has a woman who has money.
It's important that a man has a woman who likes wild sex.
It's even more important that these three women never meet each other.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up hereor I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A Farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper for
speeding, and the Trooper started to lecture the
Farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw
his weight around to try to make the Farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the Trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some Flies that were buzzing around his head.

The Farmer said, "Having some problems with Circle
Flies there, are ya?"

The Trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -
"Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of
Circle Flies".

So the Farmer says- "Well, Circle Flies are common
on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."

The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"

The Farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much
respectfor law enforcement and Police Officers to
even think about calling you a horse's ***."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the Farmer says, "Hard to fool them Flies though."

A Buddhist walks up to a curb-side hotdog vendor and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

There was a man in a hot air balloon, totally lost. He spots a person on the ground and shouts "Can you tell me where I am? I don't know where I am or where I am going, I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, and I have no way that I know of getting there!"
The reply - "You are 48 degrees lattitude and 41 degrees longitude". The person in the baloon replied, "you must be an engineer". The person on the ground says "How did you know?" Everything you told me is technically correct,but I frankly am no better off than I was before. The person on the ground shouts "You must be a manager" - The man in the balloon says "How did you know?" - The person on the ground shouts "Well, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've made a promise that you have no idea how you will keep it, but now somehow it's my fault"

There was a man in a hot air balloon, totally lost. He spots a person on the ground and shouts "Can you tell me where I am? I don't know where I am or where I am going, I promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, and I have no way that I know of getting there!"
The reply - "You are 48 degrees lattitude and 41 degrees longitude". The person in the baloon replied, "you must be an engineer". The person on the ground says "How did you know?" Everything you told me is technically correct,but I frankly am no better off than I was before. The person on the ground shouts "You must be a manager" - The man in the balloon says "How did you know?" - The person on the ground shouts "Well, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've made a promise that you have no idea how you will keep it, but now somehow it's my fault"

A termite strolls into a saloon and says, "Excuse me, is the bartender here?"

There was a terrible plane crash and people were lined up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked the first couple to come forward. The man says "Hello, St. Peter...I've tried to be a good man all my life. Please let my wife and I into heaven".

St. Peter opens the book of life and begins shaking his head. "All you ever cared about in life was material wealth. You even married a woman named Ruby and called your daughter Pearl. I'm sorry...there's no place for you here."

The couple sadly turned and shambled away.

The next couple steps up. The man says "I did my best while on earth, St. Peter...please let us into heaven"

St. Peter looks at the book of life and scowls at the man. "All your life you were a drunk...you even married a woman named Brandy. I'm sorry, but there's no place for you here in Heaven".

The couple sadly begin to walk away, when the third couple turns and follows them.

St. Peter calls behind them, "Hey....where are you going"

The man replies "Fanny and I figured we didn't have a chance".

I ran into this link yesterday, and it made me sit and chuckle for 10 minutes:

http://www.cs.umd.edu/users/meou/Flashes/WINRG/WINRG.html

Check out this page and run through the Flash program. You can interact with it.
So, this means I am notexactly posting a joke, but it was still funny anyway, and I can't take credit for it!

Years ago a small fishing boat sank in the Pacific. A single survivor swam to a nearby deserted island where he spent the next 7 years. One day while he was sitting on the beach a beautiful woman came swimming up to the beach and walk out of the water towards him. T ohis amazement he realized she was a real person not a halucination. She walks up to him and unzips the front of her wet suit, revealing a little of herself. As the man was staring she asked him if there was anything he wanted. He replied, "Yeah, I would really like a cigarette.". She unzipped a pocket on her right arm and pulled out apack of Camels and a lighter and handed them to him. He takes a puff and says, "WOW! I haven't had a smoke in 10 years!" . She asked him if there was anything else, and he replied, "Sure, I would love a sip of brandy!". She unzips a pocket on her other arm and pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He takes a drink and and exclaims, "Awesome! This is great brandy!". He then laysback on the sand enjoying himself very much. Suddenly he remebers the woman and sits up and looks at her. She looks at him very seductively and ask, "Want to play around?" He jumps up all excited and says, "Are you telling me you have a set golf clubs on you?!".

Comic relief:

http://www.knplogic.co.uk/are_u_mad.html

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, I?ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke. She turns to the ostrich. What?s yours? I?ll have the same, says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be $12.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, I?ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke, and the ostrich says, I?ll have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

The usual? asks the waitress. No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad, says the man. Same for me, says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, That will be $31.62. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can?t hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?

Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.

That?s brilliant! says the waitress. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you?ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

That?s right! Whether it?s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,says the man.

The waitress asks, One other thing, sir, what?s with the ostrich?

The man replies, My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

A Mexican, a Polish guy, and a Swede walk into a bar, followed by a priest and a rabbi. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in the tree in his yard. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van with a ladder, a baseball bat, handcuffs, a shotgun and a chihuahua.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the tree, then I'm going to climb up there and knock the gorilla out of the tree with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls, my specially trained chihuahua will bite his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will be stunned, giving me time to leap down and slap the handcuffs on him. Hewill then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

The guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, you shoot that damn dog !!!"

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in a garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Ok here's the answer runs great never a problem, never have to do any thing after you install it!
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Microsoft of any kind:)
If thats not a joke I do not know what is.

Why did the elephant wear diapers to the party?

Because he was a party pooper! ;)

A man and his blonde wife were watching the evening weather report on TV one winder night, when the weatherman said "There's going to be about 4" of snow tonight, so please park your car on the even side of the street so the plows can get through." The wife immediately got up and went outside and parked her car on the even side. The next night, the wife and her hubby were watching the evening newscast and the weatherman said "There's going to be 8" of snow tonight, so will everyone please park their cars on the odd numbered side of the street so the plows can get through." Again, immediately, the wife got up and went outside to park her car on the odd side of the street as asked. The very next night, during a terrible snow storm, the man and his wife were watching the newscast again and the weatherman came on and said "There's going to be 16" of snow tonight. The street department is asking that everyone please park on ..." And at that moment the power went out! "Oh, no!" the woman cried, "Now what do we do, I don't know what side of the street to park on!" Calmly her husband looked at her and said "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage?"

;)

Topic: Something to offend almost everyone
Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricanson Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage.... along with arecipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s@#t."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .

A man met Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked the man, “Tell me about a good deed that you have done in your life”?

“Well”, said the man, “there was the time when a motorcycle gang was threatening the safety of a young lady and I went to her aid.

"I went to the leader of the gang and proceeded to hit him up along side the head, I punched him in his fat gut, and told him to leave that young lady alone or else he and his gang would have to deal with me.”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive, replied Saint Peter. Tell me, when did that happen”?

“Oh, just a few minutes ago.”

I had a dog, he was a really rebellious little dog. He had all kinds of vices
- he smoked (yes, really-he licked up the smoke until his mouth foamed), he
drank(Yes people would get the dog drunk to see what he would do), He had VD, I
didn't knowthat dogs could get VD, but this one did. Man was he ugly - with
his face smushed in and his teeth sticking out. All the ladies loved him. But
other folks didn't like him much and they set out to kill him. Somebody came
out and ran him over, but he was a tough little dog and he made it just fine.
We tried everything to reform him, nothing worked - We took him to church and
they couldn't help him - We took him to the police, and they couldn't help him.
We tried the dog trainers, no help. We tried ourselves, but he was so stubborn
we couldn't get him to move. He went on these flings, you know - and then
finally he died of a heart attack at the age of only 9 years. Nothing more
funny than a true story.. All this is true..

A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here..."

:)

Charles Dickens is sitting in a bar. He orders a martini, and the bartender asks, olive or twist?

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a retail shop one day. The blind man swings his seeing eye dog around and around in great big loops over his head like a lasso at a rodeo. The sales clerk seeing this poor dog being swung around by the lead comes over to the blind man and says, "Can I help you, sir?" The blind man replies, "No thanks, I'm just having a look around!"

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?

Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

A man goes to answer the 'call of nature' during the interval at a circus performance. As he's stood 'straining the greens' at the middle urinal, he notices a dwarf at the one to his left, twitching and shaking his head. On enquiring if he's ok, thedwarf replies "Actually, I'm the Human Cannonball, and working here for six months being fired from a cannon twice a day has caused the muscles in my neck to go into permanent spasm. I can't stop twitching, but otherwise I'm fine thanks!"

"Wow! Isn't that painful?", our man asks.

"Not any more", says the dwarf, "I'm sort of used to it."

Returning to the matter in hand, the man notices another dwarf to his right, also twitching and shaking his head. "Are you also a Human Cannonball?", he asks.

"Nope!", replies the second dwarf, "I sell candy bars, nuts, hot dogs and drinks."

"So why are you twitching then?" enquires the man.

"Well.....everytime you turn to talk to him over there, you're aim goes off and hits me in the ear!!"

Did you hear that Bill Gates died in a plane crash?

When he met St. Peter at the pearly gates, Peter said to him, "Well, Bill, it?s good to see you, but frankly, we?re not quite sure what to do with you.?

?What do you mean?? Bill asked.

?Well?, replied St Peter, ?you were a wonderful entrepreneur, you gave millions to charity, and you helped put an affordable PC on every desktop in the United States. But that whole Justice Department thing?well, we?re not sure if you?re eligible to spend eternity in heaven. So we?ve decided to let you decide.?

?Wow!? said Bill, ?that?s great. What do I get to see first??

St Peter said, ?Let?s go visit hell first.?

So St Peter took Bill Gates to hell.

There was a beautiful, tropical beach, with a warm breeze blowing in from the ocean. Dozens of gorgeous women were running around topless, and there were free drinks from the bar next to a 5 star hotel.

?This is great!? said Bill. ?I bet heaven is even better?.

So Peter took Bill Gates to see heaven.

Heaven was nice and peaceful. Angles floated around strumming softly on their harps, the clouds were soft, and the weather was nice.

?So, what?ll it be, Bill?? asked St Peter.

Thinking carefully, Bill Gates replied, ?Heaven looks nice, but I think I?ll choose hell.?

So Bill Gates went to hell.

A few weeks later, St Pete went to visit Bill in hell. He found Mr. Gates chained to the wall of a cave, demons were torturing him, and his feet were burning inhot lava.

?How?s it going, Bill?? asked Peter.

?I?m miserable?, Bill replied. ?What happened to that beach and the beautiful women I saw before??

?That?, St Peter replied, ?was a demo.?

Three men are standing in line to get into heaven.Peter tells the first one "Heaven's getting close to full today, and I've been asked to admit people who have had particularly horrible deaths.What's your story?"

The man replies "I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to catch her.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this guy could be hiding.I went out to the balcony and there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!So I started beating him, but he wouldn't fall off.I went back into my apartment, got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. He couldn't stand that and fell -- but, he fell into thebushes, stunned and okay.I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him.The stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died."

So St. Peter let the man in.

The second man comes up, Peter explains to him about heaven being full and asks for his story.

"It's been a strange day.I lived on the 26th floor of my building, and I do exercises on my balcony.This morning I slipped and fell over the edge.But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below.Suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved but he started beating on me.I held on until he ran into the apartment, grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky, crushing me and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter let theman in.

The third man came to the front and Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says, "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and evenif a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot...somebody stole our tent!"

Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Lingo......

BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's adwances
LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot
COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy
FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right
RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork
DRIVE: how you get homeven da snow's not too deep
HARD DRIVE: dats vhen you're going to Dalute vhen da snow's deep
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: vhen ya come on in!
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out
SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone
MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly
DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils
HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof
SERIAL PORT: vhere da vheaties come from by boat to Dalute
RANDOM ACCESS
MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da missus asks about it

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of thesix cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, withan option on one more.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather..."are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made forlunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes...So he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before,those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for hisfriend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!!
For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

I have modified this one, which I first heard a couple years ago. I hope you enjoy it!
_____________________

Four engineers are riding in a new car when it starts running roughly. The driver says - "I'm sorry, I don’t understand, it's not supposed to do this – it worked fine on the demo ride." The first passenger, an electrical engineer pipes up - "I know what's wrong, it's the ignition - You'll have to take it in and have it replaced." At that the second passenger, a mechanicalengineer, says "You're nuts, it's the engine - you'll have to put in a new one." The third passenger, a civil engineer, butts in to say, "There's nothing wrong with the car, it's the road, just take another route.”

The driver was by this time exasperated, and said "You're all crazy, the solution is simple - just turn it off and back on again."

The moral of the story is ......

That’s what you get when you let Bill Gates drive!

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't fish," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money on a bird lease, would you? "asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt."

(Inspired by number 38.)

Bum: Excuse me, lady, will you give me two dollars for a sandwich"?

Lady: "Well, I don't know. I'd have to see the sandwich first."

1)Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up
a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

2) Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my
wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that
enough?"

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson:
"Certainlysir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"

Ok, heres a joke. I hope its not too crude for anyone. If it is, my apologies!

Osama bin laden was walking along in the desert and came across an old bottle. He picked it up and rubbed it off and a genie popped out. She told Osama that she would grant him a wish. Osama replied "I dont need anything that a stupid woman could give me.!" The genie begged Osama to let her give him a wish. If not she would be stuck in the bottle forever. Osama finally gave in. He said "I want to wake uptommorrow morning with 3 white women in bed with me."
The next day, Osama woke up, and when he looked to his right, Tanya Harding was there and she broke his knee. Osama let out a scream and looked to his left. Lorena Bobbitt was there and she cut off his penis. As Osama jumped out of bed, Hilary Clinton walked in and said "You dont have any medical insurance.

Whats long, brown and sticky?

A stick.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Different types of Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed".
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed".
That's Brand Recognition.

Whatever tickles your fancy!....

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on dat plane." "Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked. The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey can find me first." The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties. "Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked. The second lady answered: "Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first." The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties...... "What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief. "Dat's right; you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

A salesman drives out to a farm in the country. He sees a young boy and girl playing with a pig. He notices that the pig has a wooden leg.

After meeting the farmer and talking for several minutes, the salesman askes, "How'd that pig get a wooden leg"?

The farmer says,"Mister, let me tell you about that pig. That's the finest pig in the whole dang world. My boy ran into the road in front of a truck. The pig pulled him outta the way an' saved his life. Then one night, our barn catches fire.Well sir, the pig comes a runnin' in and wakes us all up. We wuz able to save the barn an' all the animals".

"Well that truly amazing", replied the salesman, "but that dosen't explain why the pig has a wooden leg".

The farmer looks at him and says, "Mister, a pig that good, you don't eat all at once".

> 15 things to do at Wal-Mart:
>
> > > > >1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
> people's cart when they aren't looking.
>
> > > > >2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 2-minute
> intervals.
>
> > > > >3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the
> rest rooms.
>
> > > > >4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in a
> official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares" and see what
> happens.
>
> > > > >5. Put M&M's on layaway.
>
> > > > >6. Move "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" signs to carpet
> areas.
>
> > > > >7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell
> others that you'll only invite them if they bring
> pillows from the bedding dept.
>
> > > > >8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to
> cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
>
> > > > >9. Look right into the security camera and use it
> as a mirror while you pick your nose.
>
> > > > >10. While handling guns in the hunting department,
> ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
>
> > > > >11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the
> theme from "Mission Impossible."
>
> > > > >12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna"
> look using different size funnels.
>
> > > > >13. Hide in the clothing rack, and when people
> browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
>
> > > > >14. When an announcement comes over the loud
> speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO!
> NO! It's those voices again!"
>
> > >> >15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud,
> "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Three old guys are sitting in the park. "You know, when I die, I'd like it to be quick" says the first. "I reckon I'd like to die in a speeding car crash."
"Well, I want it to be quick, too" says the second, "but I reckon a plane crash would be quicker."
"Quick is good", says the third, "I'd rather be shot by a jealous husband".

Did you hear the one about the person who was too lazy to type in their own material for Q&A so they just copied and pasted a joke someone else sent them? Oh, that's not funny is it?

Actually, it was a funny joke, I just think that time could have been spent removing the little 'forwarded email' tracks.

I'm also glad I am not the committee that's going to pick who gets the points. Some---ok---many of these were new to me so I laughed a lot. Here is one of my favorites:

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with piercing and jewelry. Hanging from his ear-lobes are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man. "What are you looking at you old fart.....didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Oh yeah! Back when I was young and in the navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. Ithought maybe you were my son."

Some years in the future brain transplants are finally perfected. A man talks to his doctor about what kind of brain he can get for his transplant. The doctor says: "I can give you a lawyer's brain for $5,000, a doctor's brain for $10,000 or a support tech's brain for $100,000." The man says "Why so much for a tech's brain?" The doctor's answer, "Well, the tech's brain has never been used!"

Most baseball fans remember the Alous, Felipe, Manny and Jesus, but few know there was a fourth Alou brother...

Wait for it....

Boog!

THE BLIND PILOTS

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Dogs and Prozac

WARNING: This joke may be considered offensive to some people. It contains adult content, and may not be suitable for all audiences.

Three Labrador retrievers - chocolate, yellow, and black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?". The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.".

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?". "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab, "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.".
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

BeerMonster

Okay peeps - as always work has proved a distraction from my techrepublic time so i'm a little late in awarding points on this one. I'm aiming to sign this off either today (09 sept) or tomorrow, once my colleagues come to some agreement between themselves....

Okay peeps - as always work has proved a distraction from my techrepublic time so i'm a little late in awarding points on this one. I'm aiming to sign this off either today (09 sept) or tomorrow, once my colleagues come to some agreement between themselves....